How to Deal With a Fading Friendship

While you may think a friendship will last forever, it's common for some friends to fade. Sometimes, a disagreement or falling out creates a gap between friends. Other times, commitments like work, distance, or family result in a friendship slowly fading away without animosity. Either way, it can be tough to realize someone you were once close to is fading from your life. To deal with a friendship fading, take time to process. Once you've moved through your emotions, develop perspective as you consider why the friendship is fading. There may also be ways to salvage the friendship if you accept the dynamic is changing, and settle for less contact in the future.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Processing the Loss of a Friend

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1
Engage in self-care. If you're reeling from the loss of a friend, you need to take some time to make yourself the priority. Difficult emotions are hard enough to deal with on their own, but processing a loss can be harder if you're not caring for yourself.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Make sure you get enough sleep. Make time to eat right and get some exercise in.
- Do something nice for yourself, even if it's something small. Take yourself out to see a movie. Read a book in the bath.
2
Write a goodbye letter. If you've realized a friendship is fading, the act of writing a goodbye letter can be therapeutic. This is not a letter you are going to send. It's merely a way for you to process your own emotions and gain a sense of closure. Simply getting your thoughts out on the page can help you cope.
- You don't have to make a perfectly polished letter, as the letter is your tool for coping. You can simply express your feelings. How do you feel about the friendship fading? Why do you feel this way?
- Share your favorite memories of you and your friend. Talk about what you'll miss. If there was a falling out of some kind, offer an apology.
- Not all faded friendships disappear forever. Sometimes, friends get busy and contact may lessen. You can write a goodbye letter that mourns the loss of a certain closeness. You can talk about missing be able to talk to your friend every day, but mention how you look forward to maintaining the relationship in different ways in the future.
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3
Allow yourself to experience your feelings. Friends are important to your emotional well-being, so a good friend fading away can be difficult. It's important that you let yourself feel what you are feeling, even feelings that are unpleasant. Do not push down your emotions, but take awhile to let yourself process them.^{[2]XExpert SourceLena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
- Take some time to cry, if you need to. Many feel embarrassed getting upset over a faded friendship. Remember that, if a relationship ends, it's important to feel the loss.
- Sometimes, it can be difficult to get in touch with your emotions, especially if you're focused on moving forward. Grieving is important. If you're having trouble processing, do something to spur memories. Look over old social media posts. Go to a bar or coffee shop where the two of you used to hang out.
4
Take a break from social media. If you're not as big a part of your friend's life anymore, social media can create feelings of distress. If you and the faded friend are still in contact online, seeing updates about his or her life can sting. It may be a good idea to take a social media vacation while you grieve. Log out of Facebook and Twitter for a few days, giving yourself time to process.^{[3]XResearch source}
- In the future, it may be a good idea to block updates from your friend on various social media outlets until you've adjusted to the somewhat faded relationship.

Part 2

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Developing Perspective on a Fading Relationship

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1
Avoid assigning blame for the relationship fading. If a friendship simply faded, most of the time no one is to blame. Even if the two of you did have a falling out, ruminating over blame only makes it more difficult to let go. Blame can also damage to future friendships, as it fails to resolve conflicts and only creates animosity. If you let yourself blame now, you may get into a bad cycle of blame in the future.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Often, friendships fade just because people change as they grow older. If you and your friend are growing in different directions and you want different things, it's natural to drift apart.^{[5]XExpert SourceLena Dicken, Psy.D
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
2
Consider your contribution, if any, to the friendship's end. You may not have done anything. A lot of time, a faded friendship is due to external constraints like time and distance. You may simply not be as close to this person as you once were. However, a friend may be distancing his or herself for a reason. The loss of a friendship is an opportunity to consider the kind of friend you are and the kind of friendships you form.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Has this happened to you before? Have you had other friends simply fade away over time? If this happens to you frequently, you may be doing something to drive friends away. It's also possible you're choosing companions who are difficult to get along with or incompatible with you as a person.
- If the friend in question has had many failed friendships before, you may not be the problem. You may be choosing emotionally unavailable people as friends. Spend some time considering the quality of your past friendships, and whether your friends have always treated you in a way that makes you feel safe and comfortable.
- If the friend in question has many longterm friendships besides you, you may be part of the problem. Consider your interactions with this person. Can you think of anything you did wrong? Try to talk to other friends. Ask them for honest feedback on whether you're a good friend. Press them for ways you could improve.
3
Do not take a friendship's fading personally. A faded friendship is usually not personal. Constraints, like distance and other obligations, can make maintaining friendships difficult. While humans have a tendency to internalize the events that occur in their lives, the faded friendship likely has nothing to do with you.
- Consider where your friend is in life. Did he or she just have a new baby, get married, start a job? Did this friend move away?
- While certain friendships may feel like they'll last a lifetime, circumstances can strain relationships. A friend may simply not have time to reach out. In the future, when your friend becomes less busy, you may rekindle the friendship. Chances are, if an external factor ended the relationship, your friend does not hold any animosity towards you.
4
See how new forms of communication impact the relationship. Relationships fade for a variety of reasons. If you moved away from your college town, for example, you and your best friend may have talked on the phone every day for the first few weeks. After a year or two, you may not talk or visit as often. You may think your friend no longer needs you, or that the relationship has ceased to matter. However, it may just be that you're both busy. Finding new ways to communicate can help you both see how the relationship still matters.
- Text your friend. Engage with him or her on social media. You may be able to maintain the friendship, in a slightly different form, by switching up communication modes.
- Your friend may have an easier time getting back to you via social media and texting, allowing you to see that the friendship, while faded, still matters to both of you.
5
Talk to others without engaging in gossip. Talking out your feelings with another person is a great way to process any kind of loss. Another person may offer some perspective. Many people lose friends throughout the course of a lifetime, and may be able to offer you their unique insight.
- However, keep in mind you should not gossip. You do not want to create further animosity or distance. Even while you may have frustrations about the friendship ending, gossiping or bad mouthing your friend will only make things worse.^{[7]XResearch source}
6
Accept the relationship has changed. A faded friendship does not mean a friendship is ending. Friendships, especially long term friendships, change over time. Rather than abandoning the friendship, work on looking at the big picture. Do not think of the friendship as having faded so much as having evolved.^{[8]XResearch source}
- People change with time, and change can affect friendships. A friendship's former level of closeness may no longer be practical for a variety of reasons. If you're in your 30s, for example, you may still not be intensely close to your high school friends group. If you're approaching your 40s, certain college friendships may have faded.
- Even while a relationship has faded slightly, that does not make it less important. Try to accept that a dip in intimacy is common over time. You may not talk to certain close friends every day after a certain point. That's okay. You do not need to let go of faded friends. Instead, accept that the relationship has changed while continuing to think of the friendship as important.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward After A Faded Friendship

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1
Work on being a better friend. If you feel you did something to cause the friendship to fade, work on doing better moving forward.^{[9]XExpert SourceTracey Rogers, MA
Certified Life CoachExpert Interview. 6 January 2020.} You can be a better friend to your existing friends. You can also work on forging other relationships with those around you.^{[10]XResearch source}
- You may have noticed a pattern of behavior when examining the loss of your friendship. If you feel like you're habitually drawn to bad relationships, or that you engage in behavior that pushes others away, you may want to seek out the help of a therapist. A solid therapist can help you sort through your emotions and learn to be a more loving, caring friend.
2
Stay busy to fill the gap. Sometimes, many friendships fade at once, especially as you get older. You may suddenly realize you and your college friends are not as close as you used to be, which can cause feelings of loneliness. In the wake of loss, you should strive to stay busy. The loss of a friend leaves a major gap in your life. You'll need to find something to do with yourself that helps replace the absent friend.
- Find a new hobby. Take up something like knitting or crossword puzzles. Join a cooking class.
- You can also look for ways to make new friends. Join a website like MeetUp where you can find various clubs in your area filled with likeminded people.
- Instead of spending your time being sad about a friend you drifted away from, be open to new friendships that fit your current interests and where you are now in your life.^{[11]XExpert SourceLena Dicken, Psy.D
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
3
Reach out to your friend in the future. Remember, friendships often fade due to external circumstances. When things calm down for both and your friend, consider reaching out. Even if you have feelings of frustration about the lack of communication, let them go. You may be able to rekindle the relationship, to an extent, once things calm down.
- Many people do not want to reach out to a faded friend if they felt they were jilted or ignored. You may feel it's your friend's "turn" to make the first move. However, this feeling will not help the situation. You'll end up isolating yourself from someone unnecessarily.
- Try to forgive your friend for the lack of contact. Sometimes, a simple phone call or text message can rekindle a forgotten friendship. Friendships go through changes, like any relationship. There will be times when you and your friend share everything, and times when you are distant. A faded friendship may not stay faded forever. If this person is important to you, it may be worth your time to reach out. You could end up bringing someone special back into your life.

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How do you let go of a friendship?
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
It's always a good idea to acknowledge the feelings you have around the loss of that friendship. Then, remind yourself that people change and grow, which just inherently leads to some relationships ending, and that it's okay to let go of relationships that aren't really working anymore. Then, focus on being open to new friendships that do fit where you are in life.
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Cut your friend some slack. If you feel a friendship is fading away, you may experience feelings of anger and frustration. Keep in mind people get busy and that you've probably faded from some people's lives as well.
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