How to Be More Careful About What You Say

Have you ever had a moment where you heard yourself say something and immediately wished you could take it back? It happens to nearly everyone sooner or later, and it usually happens because we didn't take the time to think about what we were about to say. Learning to reflect before you speak can take a lot of practice, but don't get discouraged—with time, you can learn to be more thoughtful and deliberate when you're talking to people.

1

Take a pause.

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Make it a habit to wait before you say something. This is hard and it can take a lot of practice, but when you're having a conversation with someone, try to wait a beat or two before you say something. That will give you time to think about what you're going to say, rather than just blurting something out.^{[1]XExpert SourceSandra Possing
Life CoachExpert Interview. 15 July 2020.} When you do that, you'll often find that you're able to come up with more thoughtful responses to others, and you'll put your foot in your mouth less often.^{[2]XResearch source}^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Try taking a few deep breaths while you consider what you're going to say next, for instance.

2

Keep your message simple.

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Have a specific point in mind and stick to it. That way, you'll be more likely to say exactly what you want to, and people will clearly understand what you mean. If you tend to veer off-topic, there's a good chance your message won't get lost in a lot of insignificant details.^{[4]XResearch source}

3

Listen more.

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Give other people plenty of time to talk. If you're only focused on what you're going to say next, it's impossible to really hear what the other person is saying.^{[5]XExpert SourceSandra Possing
Life CoachExpert Interview. 15 July 2020.} Instead, when someone else is talking, look them in the eyes and give them your full attention. Once they've shared what they have to say, take a moment to think before you respond.^{[6]XResearch source}
- This will make you seem a lot more thoughtful, and it will also make it easier for you to understand the other person's point of view. When you can put yourself in their shoes, you may be less likely to say something that you'll wish you hadn't.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Also, avoid interrupting people. Not only can it be frustrating for them, but it's impossible to understand their perspective if you keep talking over them.^{[8]XResearch source}

4

Ask open-ended questions.

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Encourage others to build on what they're saying. If there's anything you don't understand in a conversation, or if there's something you'd like to hear a little more about, ask the other person follow-up questions to learn more. Avoid questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no"—give the person space to elaborate on what they're saying. Not only will that show them that you're interested in what they're saying, but it will help clear up any misunderstandings.^{[9]XResearch source}
- When you have a better understanding of what someone else is saying, it will help you craft a more thoughtful response.

5

Don't see disagreements as win-or-lose.

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Try not to take an argumentative stance. If you go into a conversation thinking that you have to "win" every time you disagree with someone, you'll tend to come across as combative.^{[10]XExpert SourceSandra Possing
Life CoachExpert Interview. 15 July 2020.} That can actually lead you to get into more arguments, and you'll be more likely to blurt out something that's hurtful or insensitive. Instead, try to see disagreements as an opportunity to share different points of view and learn from each other.^{[11]XResearch source}
- For instance, if you and a coworker have differing ideas about how to handle an issue at work, don't go into a meeting expecting to butt heads with them. Instead, have an open mind about how the two of you can collaborate and work together to solve the problem.^{[12]XResearch source}

6

THINK before you criticize someone.

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Use this acronym to check what you're about to say. If you're about to say something that could possibly hurt someone's feelings, stop and ask yourself: Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind? If the answer to any of those questions is no, take a few minutes to figure out if you need to say it at all. If you still think it's important, try to rephrase it in your mind so it does fit all of those categories.^{[13]XResearch source}
- For instance, if you notice that a coworker is struggling to find something in a stack of papers, you might be tempted to say something like, "You wouldn't have that trouble if you were more organized." That might be true, and you might think it's helpful. However, it's questionable whether it's really necessary to point out, and it's unlikely it would come across as inspiring or kind.
- Instead, you might say something like, "You know, I read a trick online recently for keeping papers sorted, and I tried it and it's been really working for me. If you want, you can stop by my desk later and I'll show you."

7

Speak in a way that's consistent with your goals.

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Think long-term instead of getting wrapped up in the moment. Sometimes it's tempting to just say whatever pops into our minds, especially when we're in a heated conversation. However, that can cause you to lose sight of the things that are really important to you. Even if a perfectly clever insult pops into your mind, take a second to check it against those goals—if it doesn't fit, be the bigger person and let it go.^{[14]XResearch source}
- For example, if you're married, chances are that one of your long-term goals is to be happy with your spouse. In that case, putting them down or pointing out their flaws probably doesn't align with that goal. On the other hand, you might need to have a cool, reasoned conversation about something that bothers you.

8

Only say important things.

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Don't just talk for the sake of talking. If you want to be seen as someone who speaks carefully, don't join a conversation unless you have something really worthwhile to say. When a thought occurs to you, take a few moments to evaluate whether it adds something of value to the conversation.^{[15]XExpert SourceSandra Possing
Life CoachExpert Interview. 15 July 2020.} If it doesn't, let it go and wait until you think of something more substantial to contribute.^{[16]XResearch source}
- For example, if someone mentions a news story, don't just chime in because you read the same article. Instead, reflect on the story for a moment—you'll seem a lot more thoughtful if you can think of something that relates to the bigger picture, like the fact that crime rates have been rising since the new mayor took office.

9

Don't rush to fill the silence.

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Allow other people to fill gaps in the conversation. If you're uncomfortable with silence, it's tempting to blurt out the first thing you think of when the conversation stalls. However, this can lead you to accidentally say something thoughtless or silly. Instead, just relax and think about what you were just talking about. If you have something valuable to add, jump back in, but if not, see if the other person has something to say, instead.
- If you come up with a new conversation topic, it's fine to restart the conversation—it doesn't always have to be the other person who talks first. Just keep in mind that it's fine to have a quiet moment of reflection when you're talking to someone.^{[17]XResearch source}
- Silence is also a good option when you're just not sure what to say—it's often better not to say anything than to say the wrong thing.^{[18]XResearch source}

10

Avoid gossip and negative remarks.

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Focus on the good things about others, instead. Avoid speaking about people in a way that puts them down. Even if you hear something bad about someone else, don't share it with others. Gossiping is an easy way to hurt people's feelings, but it actually can hurt your reputation, too. People will be less likely to trust you if they think you're going to talk bad about them, too.^{[19]XResearch source}
- On the other hand, speaking positively about others can go a long way toward creating a healthy, uplifting environment.^{[20]XResearch source}

11

Beware of microaggressions.

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Be thoughtful of underlying insults and assumptions. Microaggressions are seemingly insignificant comments that, over time, create a hostile environment for people who are typically marginalized, like people of color, women, and the LGBTQ+ community. They include things like backhanded compliments, subtle assumptions, or phrases that are rooted in bias.^{[21]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Microaggressions include pointing out that a person of color is articulate (which implies there's something unique about that), telling a transgender person that you can't tell they're trans (which sends the message that their worth is based on how well they pass), or asking the only female member of your team to get coffee for everyone.
- If someone points out that you've done something offensive, listen to them with an open mind and apologize with humility. Also, if you don't understand why it was offensive, don't make that person feel like they're responsible for educating you—read up on it on your own time or ask someone else you trust to explain it to you.

12

Keep trying.

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Speaking carefully and thoughtfully can take a lot of practice, especially if you're naturally the type of person who just says whatever pops into your mind. However, even if you accidentally blurt something out that you didn't mean to, it doesn't mean you'll never be able to do better. Just stay committed to doing better—it will come easier with time.^{[22]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}

Become a Diplomatic Communicator with this Expert Series

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Effective and diplomatic communication is one of the most effective life skills you can develop. Learn how to be clear, kind, and straightforward in your communication with this expert series.

1

Not Be Rude

2

Be More Careful About What You Say

3

Respond to Rude Comments

4

Be Less Annoying Towards Friends

5

Say What You Mean Without Being Mean

6

Speak Clearly

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Expert Q&A

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Question
How can I be a better listener?
Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Sandra Possing is a life coach, speaker, and entrepreneur based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sandra specializes in one-on-one coaching with a focus on mindset and leadership transformation. Sandra received her coaching training from The Coaches Training Institute and has seven years of life coaching experience. She holds a BA in Anthropology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
Sandra Possing
Life Coach
Expert Answer
Oftentimes, we listen to people only to be able to respond with whatever we think is right. In order to practice true listening, try remaining quiet to really hear what the other person is saying. Listen with curiosity and a desire to understand their perspective. That can open us up to so many new things.
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Question
A girl told me something personal about her private life, and I shared it. I apologized to both her and her parents for what I did. What should I do?
Community Answer
Those apologies were a good first step. Why not ask her what else you can do to make it right?
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I can't apologize, I find it really hard. Is there anything that you recommend?
Community Answer
Try to avoid doing things that require an apology. You will have to take more time before speaking to achieve this. However, it's human nature to make mistakes, so eventually you're going to have to apologize for something you've said or done. There are some good tips on how to do so in Say You're Sorry.
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