How to Ask Someone out if They've Already Rejected You

If you really like someone but were rejected by them, it can be discouraging to continue pursuing the relationship. Sometimes, though, it just takes time and familiarity and your crush may start to be interested in you too. Don't just give up right away–give it some time and then work up the courage to ask out that special someone for a second time.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Learning Where You Stand

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1
Figure out why they rejected you. This can be difficult because you don't want to seem desperate or overly hurt, but if your crush didn't give you a good answer as to why they didn't want to go out with you, it could be good to meet up with them and ask a few questions to gain some insight as to what they are thinking.^{[1]XResearch source}
- If they very bluntly stated why they didn't want to go out with you, like "I'm not interested in you for this reason" or "I'm going through something difficult and don't need the stress of dating," then you don't want to irritate them by asking for more explanation.
- People are often caught off-guard when asked out, so a lot of times they come up with an answer on the spot that may not be the complete truth. Calmly approach your crush and ask them if they wouldn't mind grabbing coffee (not as a date) because you wanted to talk through some things with them. Then, when you are together, ask if there was a specific reason they didn't want to go out with you or if your approach was what turned them off. Do not then proceed to ask them out again, but thank them for giving you some insight and be understanding and be patient.
2
Think over your current relationship. Sometimes it's the essence of the relationship that is what caused the rejection. Are you asking out your best friend and they are worried that it will ruin the relationship? Have there been conflicts recently that have left your crush confused or irritated with you? Thinking through your relationship can be helpful to know if it was part of the reason you were rejected. ^{[2]XResearch source}
- If you asked out someone you met once at a party or on a night out, this doesn't necessarily apply to you, but if you asked out a good friend it's possible that they don't want to ruin your relationship or there's something else going on in their life that's keeping them from jumping into something new. It's also possible that at this point they just aren't attracted to you, which in that case it just takes time and patience before you can ask them out again.
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Did you just ask someone out that you didn't know in a very demeaning manner, were you confident or really nervous in your approach, or did you catch your friend off guard and they didn't know how to respond? If you have asked other people out, think about the approaches that were successful and those that weren't and think about how you came across to your crush.
If you asked someone out and were rejected, don't insist on taking them on a date. It can seem desperate and be incredibly annoying to your crush if you persist when they've already told you no. Once you have figured out why they rejected you, respect their answer and don't ask them out again right away.
As previously stated, you want to respect the person you asked out by giving them time. Sometimes people need to process and think over things, and over time they may realize that they are interested in you. Giving your crush space to think over their feelings towards you could lead to a much more positive answer later on.^{[3]XResearch source}

Part 2

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Pursuing Your Crush Again

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1
Act like you were not fazed. One of the biggest ways to show you were hurt by rejection is by acting weird or awkward around your crush or stepping completely out of their life.^{[4]XExpert SourceSuzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 18 August 2021.} Now, you don't want to over-assert yourself into their life, but it's helpful to act casual around them and not show any pain. If you step out of their life completely and become distant, you'll lose an opportunity to ask them out later on.^{[5]XResearch source}
- In some cases, people do need space, and after they learn that you are interested in them, they feel awkward and don't want to be around you all the time. Feel out the situation to see if it's best if you step back for a while or if you should be as present as you were before. It is important, though, that you don't show your crush you were incredibly hurt or that the rejection made you insecure. Most people don't find insecurity attractive, so continue to act confident.
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Become friendly with your crush again.^{[6]XExpert SourceSuzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 18 August 2021.} After you have given your crush some time to think over things, it's time to get back into their life. You may have decided to act like things are normal or maybe you gave them some space, but before you plan to ask them out again, you want to develop a relationship with them.^{[7]XResearch source}
- If you weren't friends before, then becoming friends may be the key to gaining a date with your crush. It's possible that they didn't feel comfortable going out with someone they didn't know, so helping them get to know you could better your chances when you ask them out again.
- If you were friends before, you don't want to just go right back to where you were before in the friend zone. That may lead your crush to think that you have accepted there is no future between the two of you, and your crush may stop considering the possibility that you still like them. It's best to develop a friendship again but to show that you are interested in other things too, then they won't feel awkward around you.
This isn't a shoo-in, but it always helps someone say yes to a date if they find you attractive. Consider going to a gym or trying out a different hairstyle to pique your crush's interest. It's also important that you have proper hygiene -- people don't usually want to go out with someone who doesn't take care of their body!
4
Flirt with them and with others. It could be helpful to occasionally flirt with your crush, to show them that you are playfully considering them. You don't want to only flirt with them or flirt with them frequently, though. Make it clear that your options are open and that you are considering other people. Sometimes all it takes is jealousy to make your crush realize they are interested in you.
- Don't turn all your attention on someone else if you want your crush to know you are still interested in them. This may lead them to feel confused or believe that you have moved on completely.
Before you ask them out again, you'll want to see if anything has changed in the way they are interacting with you. If they are acting somewhat playful or are suddenly interested in your other romantic interests, it could be a sign that they are beginning to see you as more than a friend.
6
Use a different approach. Now that you've had time to better your relationship and pique your crush's interest, you're probably ready to ask them out. However, it could be good to change up your approach from the last time to better your chances. Be confident and ask them in the way you think would receive the best answer.
- Be cool when you ask your crush out again -- don't seem desperate or like all you have been thinking about is asking them out again. Play it up like you'd love to treat them to lunch or coffee (or whatever it is you want to do) and make it seem somewhat casual. Or maybe do something fun like going to a concert, something that could also be done with a friend.Your crush may be more willing to go on a date like this if they feel you aren't trying to jump into something serious.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Consider texting your crush to take some of the pressure off an in-person ask and give them time to think.^{[9]XExpert SourceSuzanna Mathews
  Dating & Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 18 August 2021.}
- If you did all this and were turned down again, it unfortunately may be a sign that you need to move on. Someone may reject you once without really thinking about it, but if they reject you a second time it means they had some time to think about it and still aren't interested. Respect their decision and understand that it obviously wasn't meant to be.^{[10]XResearch source}

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What do you say when you're rejected?
Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Suzanna Mathews is a Dating and Relationship Coach and the Founder of The Date Maven. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in creating mindset tools, social strategies, and digital strategies that help her clients elevate dating and deepen connections. Suzanna holds a BA in Communications from Bethel College, North Newton, and an MA in Theater and Dramatic Arts from Wichita State University.
Suzanna Mathews
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Answer
Well, that depends on a few factors. If you'll never see the person again, you can simply excuse yourself and be on your way. If it is a coworker or a classmate, on the other hand, try to show you're mature! Respect the answer and move on with your life.
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