How to Talk About Sex

Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex. It can be hard to ask for what you want, and it can be hard to clarify the basic concepts—especially when you're explaining them to a child. Start by initiating a dialogue, even if you aren't sure exactly what you want to say. You may find that it gets easier to talk about sex once you're past the initial awkwardness!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking with a New Partner

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1
Be frank. Lay out your thoughts as plainly as possible. Avoid euphemisms, and try to work past your initial discomfort. If you aren't comfortable referring to "sex," try using a similar but "softer" phrase. Instead of saying that you are "having sex," say that you are "making love," or "being intimate," or "getting down." Each of these phrases has its own set of connotations.
- Remember that sex is perfectly natural. One might argue that, indeed, nothing is more natural. It is how you came into being.
2
Set a clear precedent. If you aren't comfortable doing something, then don't do it. If you let something slide even once, then it will be harder to stop it from happening in the future. Be firm about your expectations, and don't let anyone take advantage of you.^{[1]XExpert SourceJT Tran
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- Remember: Consent is crucial when it comes to sex. If you or your partner say no, their answer must be fully understood
3
Ask about STI (sexually-transmitted infection) testing. Before you become intimate with a person, initiate a casual conversation about their sexual health and their testing history. Don't make a big deal about it—just ask if they've been tested recently. Remember that you have the right to look after your own sexual health. You deserve to know if you're about to have sex with someone who might be carrying an infection.
- Use protection. It never hurts to use protection, even if a partner has assured you that they are STI-free.
- If you have an STI, be upfront about it. It can plague your partner for years, and it can have serious health implications.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking with an Established Partner

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1
Be communicative. Ask for what you want. Be vocal about what you like, and don't be afraid to speak up when something doesn't work for you. If you aren't clear about your needs, then your partner won't know how to meet those needs.^{[2]XExpert SourceJT Tran
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- Be as frank and open as possible. Cultivate a relationship that is build around clear communication. The more you talk about this, the easier it will be!
- If you want more sex, don't be afraid to say so, but don't demand it. Explain why you don't feel that you're getting enough, and find a solution that the two of you can agree upon.^{[3]XResearch source}
2
Stay on the same page. Make sure that you and your partner have a mutual understanding about the rules and expectations of the relationship. A relationship is a mutual understanding, and it is your responsibility to maintain that understanding. Define the sort of relationship that you want, and make the relationship itself an act of discussing that balance.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Talk about when and where it's okay to have sex.
- Preferences to change over time, which is fine, but you need to keep your partner up-to-date.
- Decide whether you are exclusive. If not, make sure that you agree about who each of you can and cannot have sex with. Be clear and be truthful. If you leave this part murky, then you could damage your relationship and seriously hurt someone.^{[5]XExpert SourceJT Tran
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
3
Make it a dialogue. Each of you should feel equally empowered to negotiate the terms of the conversation. Someone will probably need to initiate the conversation, and that person may well be you—but you can still create space for your partner to speak their mind. Listen. Be patient.
- Avoid accusatory "you" statements like, "You never want to have sex anymore!"
- Instead, focus on the way that things make you feel, or try to remain objective. Say, "I feel that our sex drives have been unbalanced lately," or "I want to open up a dialogue about the way that our sex life has been lately."
- Again: a relationship is a mutual understanding. A healthy sex life is built upon communication. Don't let one person make all of the moves! Consent is an important factor in order for both you and your partner to have a good time in bed. Talk about what you both want and not want during sex. And to then understand that persons boundaries.^{[6]XExpert SourceJT Tran
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
This can be a great way to get comfortable discussing intimacy with your partner. Bring it up when you both have free time to talk. Check in to see that you're on the same page, and that the current arrangement is working for both of you. Be unabashed and matter-of-fact about this sort of communication. If you don't act like it's weird, then it won't be weird.^{[7]XResearch source}

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Talking to Your Kids

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1
Know when it's time to talk to your child about sex. The "right time" means something different for every kid and every parent. As a general rule of thumb, consider that your child should probably know how to practice safe, consensual sex by the time that they wind up in a sexual situation. If your child is approaching their teen years, then hormones are coming, and the time is right.
- In this digital age, more children are learning about sex from the Internet. If your child gets curious, then they may do a lot of exploratory searching. Use your knowledge to act as a guiding figure. Your child may know more than you think.
- Many schools incorporate some form of sexual education into their curriculum. Try using this as a reason to engage with your kids about the realities of sex. Set yourself up as a resource, and offer to answer any questions that your children might have.
2
Bring it up gently. Sex can be an embarrassing topic for adults to discuss—let alone children or teenagers! If the topic comes up naturally, then take the opportunity to discuss it. Otherwise: plan out what you are going to say, and try to build upon what your child already knows. Keep an open mind.
- Be respectful of boundaries. If your child doesn't want to talk about the "birds and the bees," then don't force the conversation.
3
Use outside resources. There are various books, websites, and other resources available that make it easier for kids and teenagers to learn about healthy sex. If your child is younger than 10-12, consider going through these resources one-on-one. If you are dealing with a teenager, then you can likely just pass along the information and let your teen explore on their own time.^{[8]XResearch source}
- What Makes A Baby by Cory Silverberg is a children's book for parents looking to explain to young children how babies are conceived and born.
- The website BishUK provides a range of topics for parents and teens. The site covers not only the physical aspects of sex, but its emotional impact.
- AMAZE.org is a website takes the awkwardness out of sex education with real information in entertaining, animated videos that provide medically accurate, age-appropriate, affirming, and honest sex and relationship education to young adolescents of all genders and orientations.
- MTV, as an offshoot of their Teen Mom series, runs the website [mysexlife.org mysexlife.org]. The site helps teenagers understand sex and sexuality, and it can help teach young adults how to make safe decisions regarding their bodies.
- Speakeasy, a Family Planning Association, features online guides to help parents talk to kids about sex and reproduction. There are guides available for a variety of ages.

Resist The Pressure to Have Sex with this Expert Series

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Are you uncomfortable with sex or feeling like you're being pressured? Learn how to hold your boundaries with these expert articles.

1

Avoid Being Pressured Into Sex

2

Talk About Sex

3

Know when Someone Is Not Ready to Have Sex

4

Say No to Teenage Sex

5

Abstain from Sex With Your Long Term Boyfriend

6

Report Online Sex Crimes

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Should I talk about the relationship before having sex?
JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.
JT Tran
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
It's probably a good idea, yes. You can't just assume you're dating, monogamous, or exclusive. If you care about the value or status of the relationship, it helps to be clear and direct about what you want.
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Consider talking to your friends about sex. If you have any questions, concerns, or considerations, find a friend who is more experienced in sexual matters.
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