How to Stop Feeling Desperate when You're Single

Being single can be difficult. You may see everyone around you in relationships and be desperate to experience the same thing. You can stop being desperate when you are single by keeping your standards and figuring out what you are looking for, learning to appreciate yourself, and meeting people in laid back settings.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Changing Your Attitude

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1
Maintain standards in who you date. When you are single, you may want to date around to meet a lot of different people. However, you should date people who you find interesting and attractive. You should have characteristics that you like in someone that causes you to date them instead of dating just anyone you meet.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For example, you may want to date people who are attractive, career-oriented, and interested in certain hobbies. Though you may find it difficult to meet people with these qualities, don’t lower your standards just so you can have a date.
2
Determine what you are looking for in another person. Figuring out what you want in another person can help you choose potential partners with some forethought. If you don’t know what you are looking for, you may just date anyone. Having no standards may lead to you to act desperate because you aren’t putting any thought into your dates at all.^{[2]XResearch source}
- You may need to make a list to help you determine what you are looking for. This list should go beyond physical traits. Think about shared interests, values, characteristics, qualities, and other things you are looking for in another person. It might be that you want a dog person or someone who has a higher degree.
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3
Avoid being impatient. You may want an instant connection when you go out somewhere to meet people. Often, it takes awhile for you to become comfortable and known in a place. If you have tried a new dating site, started a new class or hobby, or started going to a new place, give it enough time for people to notice you or get to know you.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Don’t get discouraged on the first day if nothing happens. Don’t get discouraged after the first week. Keep going back.
4
Refrain from pretending to be something you are not. One thing desperate singles sometimes do is act like they are something they are not. You may pretend to like something you don’t or go to an event or meetup you’re not interested in to meet people. This only causes more stress for you since you aren’t interested in the topic and may meet someone who you do not share interests with.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Instead, be honest about your likes, dislikes, and preferences. This includes when you meet someone and on an online dating profile.
- This doesn’t mean you can’t date someone who is different than you or with different interests, but don’t pretend to like something just to impress someone.
5
Try not to fish for compliments. If you are single, you may not always feel the best about yourself. This means you may seek validation from others. You might try to get others to compliment your looks, outfits, or personality to help boost your self-confidence. This may make you seem desperate.
- Many people may directly ask things like, “How do you like my dress?” or “What do you think of my new hair style?”
- Some people manipulate people into compliments or use self-deprecation to get compliments. This may include saying something like, “I feel ugly today.”
6
Avoid telling everyone you are single. You may mention that you are single in a casual conversation, but you shouldn’t tell everyone that you meet that you are single. It’s one thing to mention it to a friend in case they know someone who is single, but telling everyone may make you seem desperate.^{[5]XResearch source}
- While you shouldn’t hide the fact that you are single, you may want to share your interest in actively looking for someone with a few chosen friends.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Focusing on Yourself

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1
Enjoy your alone time. For people who are in a relationship, alone time is a luxury. Acknowledging that alone time is a luxury for many people may help you to accept being alone and to enjoy your alone time as much as possible.
- Try making a list of all the things that you enjoy doing and use your alone time to do some of these things. For example, you might include on your list things like, baking, knitting, painting, playing the guitar, or reading.
- Sometimes, having trouble being alone has its roots in childhood—you may not have had the connection and care you needed as a child. Getting in touch with your inner child and caring for that part of yourself can help quiet that feeling.^{[6]XExpert SourceSamantha Fox, MS, LMFT
  Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 19 January 2021.}
2
Do something for yourself. Being single means that you are more than likely the sole responsibility in your life. You don’t have to think of anyone else when making decisions. Take advantage of this and treat yourself. Do something for yourself that you’ve always wanted to do.^{[7]XResearch source}
- For example, buy yourself a nice car or save for a house. Take a trip to a place you’ve always dreamed of going. Learn a new hobby, get another degree, or take a class. Make this time about doing things you want to do.
3
Pursue your interests. Instead of hitting the bars every night or sitting at home feeling depressed, go out and pursue your interests. This can help you find ways to be happy and keep from being desperate. Pursuing your interests can also give you opportunities to meet new people and socialize.^{[8]XResearch source}
- For example, go to sports games or concerts. Find a book club or a group who likes to play board games. Get back into knitting or hiking. Figure out what your interests are and focus on them instead of your relationship status.
4
Love yourself. It is natural to want to date and be in a fulfilling relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting to love someone. But you should put your focus on yourself and learning how to love yourself. If you accept yourself and love yourself, you will find that you are less desperate to be in a relationship.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Many desperate people need to be with someone. Often, this is because they don’t feel like they are enough. Stop thinking that you are not enough. You are not going to be able to truly love someone else until you love yourself.
- You might even try dating yourself. Things like getting dressed up, going out to exotic restaurants, and receiving compliments and presents are all things that you can do for yourself. Try taking yourself out on a date at least once per week. When you do, get dressed up, go someplace special or prepare yourself a special meal, and give yourself compliments and presents.
EXPERT TIP
John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Focus on your own personal growth before entering a relationship. Being personally fulfilled and having a strong sense of self sets you up for a healthier partnership. Remember, you shouldn't need a partner to complete your life. Instead, they should complement it, and support you as you grow together.
5
Realize that your life is full as it is. Many single people think that they are missing something from their life if they are not in a relationship. They also think that their life can’t start until they are with someone. Try to stop thinking this way. Your life can be full and fulfilling even if you are single.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Think about the things that are good in your life. Make a list of things you enjoy, things that are positive in your life, and things you are proud of. This can help you see how important your life already is.
6
Resist dropping your friends. You may really want a relationship, but you shouldn’t drop and ignore your friends. You may stop hanging out with your friends in order to go places where you can find a partner, or the moment you get a date, you forget you have friends. Balance your life and keep spending time with your friends.
- Your friends aren’t going to give you romantic satisfaction, but your friends can provide you with support, understanding, and companionship even if you are single.
- Don’t ignore the pleasure of the relationships with your friends just because you don’t want to be single.
- Maintain good relationships with your old friends and family members. You can even work on making some new friends. Work on cultivating a full, enjoyable social life without dating someone.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Meeting People

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1
Volunteer. Volunteering can be a good way to meet people who are like minded. If you have a passion for helping people, animals, or your community, volunteering can make you feel good about yourself because you are doing something good for a cause you care about. It also helps you meet friends and potential partners who believe the same way you do.
- Volunteer for a community organization, help with a blood drive, offer to pick up trash along rivers and trails, or help out at an animal shelter. If you support a political cause or candidate, get involved in promoting that.
2
Attend events. Another way to meet people who may be similar to you is to go to events. This may be anything you are interested. Look around your community for different events where people get together. Events gets you out so you can meet people, make friends, and maybe find people who are interested in the same things.
- For example, you may go to community festivals, concerts, museum events, plays, or sports events.
3
Try a new hobby. Doing something new accomplishes two things. First, you enrich your life by trying something new and learning a new skill. Even if you don’t like it, you have experienced something new. Trying a new hobby also helps you meet new people in a fun, low-risk situation.
- Getting involved with new hobbies helps you interact with new people and get to know them. This may lead to you finding people you are interested in and who are interested in you.
4
Socialize with others. When you attend events, try not to stand to the side looking at people and not interacting. You should also try not to make it your goal to talk to and hit on only the people you find attractive. Instead, socialize with everyone. Talk to all genders of all ages, be friendly, and mingle.^{[11]XResearch source}
- This helps you meet all sorts of people, some of whom may be potential partners.
- You may even consider using an online dating site to meet people if your social circle is too small. Or, if you are too busy for this, then you could hire a matchmaker.

Expert Q&A

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Question
Why is it so hard to be alone?
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy.
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Feeling desperate when you're alone is a sign of traumatic aloneness, which comes from childhood. When we're little, being alone is not a healthy state of being. In order to be okay with being on our own as adults, we need to have had adequate connection and care as little ones. Work on connecting to your inner child—become the good-enough parent to that part of yourself now. That can help quiet the pain of being alone, so it will become more tolerable.
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