What to Expect During the 5 Stages of Divorce Grief

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The psychology behind divorce grief and how to move on

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• The 5 Stages of Divorce Grief
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• How long does divorce grief last?
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• Coping with Divorce Grief
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• Expert Interview
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• Tips

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In movies and TV shows, depictions of divorce are almost always angry or sad affairs. But what about true grief? Grieving a marriage may sound bizarre, but it’s an important part of acknowledging the loss of a huge part of your life and preparing yourself to pick up the pieces and move forward. In this article, we’ll explain what to expect during the post-divorce grieving process and how long it’ll last, plus offer expert ways to cope and take care of yourself during this difficult time. Above all, remember that grief doesn’t have to be a solitary activity and that these low feelings are only temporary—brighter days are coming.

Things You Should Know

• The 5 stages of divorce grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There’s no particular order in which you might experience these stages.
• It may take 1-2 years to feel like you’re ready to move on after a divorce. Remember that everyone processes their grief differently and at their own pace.
• Cut yourself slack and let yourself feel your feelings while you cope. Acknowledging your emotions helps you reach acceptance faster and more healthily.

Steps

Section 1 of 3:

The 5 Stages of Divorce Grief

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1. 
   • Denial. Often occurring during the initial weeks of a divorce, denial gives you some time to adjust to your new reality and absorb the shock of the change. During this phase, you may let yourself think your spouse is coming back to you or that things will blow over with enough time.
     
     
   • Anger. As you process that the divorce is real and happening, it’s common to feel angry. Any hurt or pain you experienced during your marriage can bubble up to the surface, and you may find yourself displacing this anger onto your former spouse.
     
     
   • Bargaining. In the context of divorce grief, bargaining can be a useful tool to see if the marriage is truly over. During this phase, the spouse being left may make promises to behave differently in the future to convince the leaver to consider staying. As a couple, you might explore marriage counseling, a couple’s retreat, or faith-based interventions to look for possible reconciliation.
     
     
   • Depression. Depression often follows denial, anger, and bargaining. It’s part of accepting that the marriage is over and acknowledging it’s OK to mourn the happier, successful aspects of your previous life.
     
     
   • Acceptance. Acceptance begins once you’ve processed that the divorce really happened and are starting to feel ready to make a new life for yourself. You’re also able to evaluate your past marriage more objectively.
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Section 2 of 3:

How long does divorce grief last?

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1. 
   It may take 1-2 years to feel settled in your new life and start to move on. This doesn’t mean you’ll be 100% done grieving, and you’ll likely experience several cycles of ups and downs around this time. However, many people are feeling somewhat adjusted by this point and are able to take steps towards building their own life, separate from the previous marriage. This timeline is different for everybody, but may flow like this:

   • 3 weeks in: After the initial shock, the leaver may feel relieved about their decision and begin to navigate a new life. The spouse who was left is likely shell-shocked, but slowly beginning to process their feelings and calm down.
   • 3 months in: The leaver may enter rebound relationships or work extra to avoid feelings of loneliness. The spouse who was left is likely still depressed or lonely but is functioning better in daily life and is starting to have some happy days.
   • 6 to 12 months in: There are ups and downs for both partners. Legal proceedings and custody battles take up time and energy, and both sides can feel awkward introducing new partners. Mutual friends may “take sides,” leading to disagreements or feelings of isolation.
   • 1 year in: The “new normal” has set in, with both former spouses and the children adjusting to new homes, jobs, or travel arrangements. Legal and personal battles may persist, and the partner who was left may still feel depressed or isolated.
   • 2 years in: Both partners may feel like they’ve at last turned a corner, either entering new relationships or feeling like they have a new direction in life. Some hard feelings may remain, but the marriage feels like it’s in the past.

Section 3 of 3:

Coping with Divorce Grief

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1. 
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   Cut yourself some slack while you navigate post-divorce life. Remember that you’re experiencing some major life changes—it’s OK not to have it 100% together all the time. You might react to the divorce in unexpected ways or have surprising feelings throughout the process. Be kind to yourself and recognize it’ll take time to feel like your usual self again.

   • Consider what you would say to a good friend or family member if they were in your shoes. Be just as kind and warm to yourself as you would be to them.
   • Acknowledge to yourself out loud or through journaling that you’re going through a trying time. Try not to judge yourself for hard feelings or actions you normally wouldn’t exhibit.
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   Allow yourself to feel your feelings without judgment. Don’t fight your emotions—it’s normal to have ups and downs, conflicting feelings, or mood swings during and after a divorce. When you get emotional, identify and acknowledge these feelings. They may hurt, but let yourself be in that pain. Ignoring or suppressing them will only prolong the grieving process and cause you more pain in the long run.

   • Acknowledge your emotions like you would the weather. For example, say “I am sad” the same way you’d say “It’s raining.” When you recognize the emotion, you can put your energy into processing it rather than shoving it down to deal with later.
   • Remember that negative emotions aren’t fun, but they aren’t the end of the world either. Embracing bad feelings lets you take away their power over you.
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   Utilize your support system or seek professional counseling. Remember that you’re not alone, even when you feel isolated. Lean on your loved ones while you grieve—they may not understand how you feel, but they will still show you compassion and love. Try making a short list of people who promise to be available if you need them, whether they be friends, family, or professionals. Knowing you have people in your corner can help whether you call or not.

   • Consider individual or group therapy regardless of the size of your personal support system. Professionals can give you healthy coping strategies, and group work lets you meet people going through a similar experience.
   • Try an online self-help program if you’re hesitant about therapy. Studies show that divorced people feel less grief, depression, stress, and loneliness after just 3 months of a program.
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   Remember to take care of yourself, even when it feels difficult to. Make time to exercise, prepare healthy meals, leave the house, and pamper yourself on occasion. It's easy to fall into bad habits, like binge eating or excessive alcohol use, when you’re adjusting to a major change, so try to stick to a routine to stay grounded and keep your mental and physical health in check.

   • Do your best to stay positive and look forward to a fresh start. You’re bound to feel down at times, but remember that these negative feelings are only temporary.
   • Explore new hobbies or interests that make you excited to leave the house or learn something new. Connecting with people who share these interests can also help you feel less lonely.
   • Avoid using alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, or other harmful habits to cope with your feelings. If you’re worried you’re over-using or abusing a substance, visit a counselor or therapist for support.
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   Consider doing a mourning ritual for your marriage to help you move on. Studies have shown that simple rituals can help you let go of traumatic experiences and visualize yourself starting a new phase of life or reinvent yourself. There’s no right or wrong way to do this—as long as you acknowledge your loss and transition in a meaningful way, you’re doing it right. Some easy rituals include:

   • Writing a goodbye letter to your spouse or marriage, then keeping or destroying it.
   • Throwing yourself a divorce party.
   • Making a memory box for your marriage to compartmentalize and revisit that time of your life when you wish to.
   • Burning your wedding dress or other significant reminders of your marriage.
   • Creating lists of what you’re losing and gaining from the divorce.
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   Seek professional help if your feelings of depression aren’t improving. It’s normal to feel depressed or paralyzed after a divorce, but these feelings should begin to lift slowly but surely after you’ve had time to process them. If you feel no positive progress, it’s possible you’re suffering from depression. Symptoms of clinical depression include:

   • Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness
   • Angry outbursts or irritability, even over minor issues
   • A loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities
   • Sleep issues like insomnia, oversleeping, or poor sleep in general
   • Tiredness or a lack of energy that makes small tasks feel impossible
   • Slowed thinking or trouble concentrating, making decisions, or remembering things
   • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixations on past failures, and anxiety
   • Appetite changes resulting in weight loss or weight gain, or unexplained physical problems like headaches
   • Thoughts of death and suicide, or attempts at suicide
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Tips

• Many experts consider the 5 stages of grief to be outdated, but many people do experience some or all of these stages (in no particular or linear order).
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