25 Signs Your Friend Doesn’t Care About You (Plus, What to Do About It)

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Common behaviors of toxic friends and how to confront them

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IN THIS ARTICLE

1They cancel plans often.

2They break their promises.

3They don’t try to spend time with you.

4They criticize you.

5They dominate the conversation.

6They get jealous of your successes.

7They seem reluctant to compliment you.

8They expect you to be available all the time.

9They only call you when they need something.

10They prioritize their needs over yours.

11They don’t support your dreams.

12They exclude you from plans.

13They act differently around other people.

14They share your secrets with others.

15They don’t take responsibility for their actions.

16They don’t apologize.

17They get you in trouble.

18They don’t bother to learn about you.

19They forget significant details about your life.

20They try to change you.

21They don’t talk about their personal life with you.

22They’re not there for you during hard times.

23They don’t show empathy toward you.

24They get jealous of your other friends.

25They manipulate you to get what they want.

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Maintaining friendships with people who don’t genuinely value you or respect you as an individual can have a negative impact on your confidence and emotional health. Friends who criticize you, don’t make an effort to spend time with you, or only talk about themselves are the type of people who don’t value your friendship, and it’s perfectly reasonable to ask yourself if they’re really worth having as a friend. Keep reading for a list of behaviors to look out for in these types of toxic friends. We’ll also be sure to give you advice about how to confront them and deal with these behaviors.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Check out the full interview here.

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1

They cancel plans often.

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1. 
   They usually bail on you last minute without an apology. Someone who cancels on you without any warning is someone who doesn’t truly value your friendship or time. It might seem like they’re always ready to jump at a better opportunity instead of spending time with you, and they likely give you barely any heads up before ditching your plans.

   • For example, a friend who doesn’t value you might cancel your plans to go hang out with someone else.
   • Or, they might just give vague excuses like, “I can’t today,” even though you’ve had those plans set for a while.
   • If this happens repeatedly, have a direct conversation with them. Say something like, “I noticed you’ve been really busy lately, Is there something going on?” as a way to better understand their situation.
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2

They break their promises.

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1. 
   They’re not someone you can rely on. A friend who doesn’t value you likely doesn’t feel too guilty breaking promises and might have even made a habit out of it. At some point, it might feel like you can’t depend on them when it comes to important matters. For example, they might have a history of not showing up to help you when they said they would, such as when you were moving or starting a new project.

   • They might have also broken promises around some of the boundaries you set. For example, even if they promised at first not to talk about a topic that’s sensitive to you, they might’ve still brought it up at some point.
   • To deal with this kind of situation, ask them first what might’ve caused them to break their promise to get their side of the story.
   • If they continue this behavior, establish some sort of consequence to show them that their actions are really hurting you. For example, you might decide to take a break from them for a while after they broke a promise.

3

They don’t try to spend time with you.

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1. 
   You’re likely the one always reaching out to them. If it feels like you’re the only one putting effort into your relationship, it’s likely that your friend doesn’t truly value your friendship. It might be that they also don’t text you or reach out that often, and you might only see and hear from them once in a while despite being their “friend.”

   • If you notice some of these patterns, take a moment to evaluate your friendship and ask yourself if your needs are being met.
   • For example, you might desire a friendship with someone whom you can talk to often. If this friendship isn’t giving you that, it might be a sign that the connection between you and your friend isn’t the best or healthiest for you.
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4

They criticize you.

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1. 
   They make insensitive comments and belittle you in front of others. A friend who doesn’t value you might act condescending toward you through the things they say, such as by saying “You’re so dumb” or “You’re so bad at that.” They also might use sarcasm with you a lot. Because of this, you might feel less confident around them or like you can’t be your true self with them.

   • To deal with a condescending friend, call them out on their behavior and have a discussion with them.
   • Say something like, “You seem really critical of me lately” or “I’ve felt really hurt by some of the things you’ve said to me recently.”

5

They dominate the conversation.

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1. 
   They may interrupt you or even talk over you. A friend who doesn’t value you might not let you get a word in edgewise when talking to you. Instead, they might only talk about themselves and what’s going on in their life, and they rarely ask for your opinion. It might feel like they don’t value what you have to say or have any interest in what’s going on with your life.

   • To deal with someone who talks too much, listen to them for a bit, but then politely interrupt them to make them aware that you have something to say.
   • For example, say something like, “Are you finished? I’d like to say something.”
   • If they try to interrupt you, assert yourself by saying, “I listened to you, so please give me a chance to say what I want to say.”
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6

They get jealous of your successes.

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1. 
   They always try to one-up your achievements. A true friend would be happy when you achieve something great and be there to celebrate with you. However, a friend who doesn’t truly value you might easily get jealous when you share good news with them. Instead of celebrating, they might try to make themselves the center of attention by bringing up their own achievements.

   • Even though it might feel like they’re trying to make everything a competition, avoid giving in to the urge to compete with them.
   • Instead, focus on your achievements and encourage yourself by telling yourself things like, “I did well” and “I’m proud of myself.”

7

They seem reluctant to compliment you.

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1. 
   They don’t make an effort to make you feel confident in yourself. A true friend is someone who hypes you up and is always there to encourage you. However, a friend who doesn’t value you may be slow to give you praise or show support for the things you do. Or, they might just give very lukewarm compliments, such as “That outfit doesn’t look too bad” or “You did alright, I guess.”

   • Use positive affirmations to build up your confidence if your friend isn’t there to help you. Tell yourself things like, “I like how I look” or “I’m doing really well.”
   • Be honest with your friend and tell them how you feel when they make such comments. Say something like, “I feel like you’re not really excited for me and your words feel more like backhanded compliments to me.”
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8

They expect you to be available all the time.

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1. 
   They want you to prioritize them, but they may not prioritize you. If they expect you to be at their beck and call 24/7, it shows that they don’t really value you as a person with their own life and responsibilities. They might expect you to drop your plans whenever they want to go out, but they won’t make themselves available when you want to hang out. If they constantly expect you to be there for them, your friendship might feel more exhausting than fulfilling.

   • If you’re feeling exhausted by their constant requests for you to be there for them, set boundaries about how you want to spend your time.
   • For example, tell them firmly that you need alone time to recharge. If they can’t respect that, tell them that you might need to take a break from them for a bit.

9

They only call you when they need something.

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1. 
   They take advantage of your generosity but may not reciprocate it. A friend who doesn’t value you may not contact you often, but when they do, it’s usually only because they need you to do a favor for them. They might say something like, “I know it’s been a while, but I need your help with something.” They might simply expect you to drop everything to help them but likely won’t return the favor or really show you any gratitude for your help.

   • Set clear boundaries and say no when their requests infringe on your own life or create inconveniences for you. Say something like, “I can’t help you this time” or make them promise to return the favor by saying, “I’ll help you so long as you help me with something else.”
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10

They prioritize their needs over yours.

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1. 
   You always end up doing what they want to do. Whenever it comes time to decide on an activity, they may always be very insistent that you do the thing they want to do. A friend who doesn’t value you can end up dominating your plans and likely doesn’t ask for your input.

   • The way to deal with a friend like this is to be assertive. State your opinion even if they don’t directly ask you so that they’re forced to take your input into account.

11

They don’t support your dreams.

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1. 
   They might judge your aspirations or belittle your goals. Whereas a true friend will be there to encourage you to pursue your passions, a friend who doesn’t value you might make condescending comments about your future plans or dreams. Instead of lifting you up, they might criticize your choices or make you doubt yourself.

   • For example, they might say something like, “I don’t think you’ll be any good at that. Why don’t you try something more your speed?”
   • Remind yourself that just because your friend doesn’t support your dreams doesn’t mean that your goals are any less valuable or important.
   • If your friend’s criticism is having a negative impact on your confidence, take a break from them for a while or consider ending the friendship. You want to be surrounded by positive people who will make you feel good about yourself.
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12

They exclude you from plans.

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1. 
   They don’t invite you to events or ignore you for other people. This is a huge red flag of a friend who doesn’t respect or value you. It might be that they don’t want you to hang out with their other friends, so they purposefully exclude you from plans. A true friend is someone who works to make you feel included and like you’re an important part of their life.

   • If your friend is ignoring you, deal with them by directly addressing the issue. Say, “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me these past few weeks. Did something happen?”

13

They act differently around other people.

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1. 
   They might seem fake when they hang out with other friends. When you and your friend are hanging out with a larger group, it might seem like they take on a whole new personality around their other friends. This might be a sign that they don’t feel as at ease around you when others are around. They might prioritize maintaining a certain reputation over being genuine with you, which can signal that they don’t truly value your friendship.

   • Talk to them about any changes you notice. Say something like, “I notice you act a bit differently around our friends. Is there something I might be doing to make you feel uncomfortable?”
   • Make an effort to understand where they may be coming from. It’s possible that these changes in their behavior are completely unconscious on their part.
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14

They share your secrets with others.

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1. 
   You feel like they can’t be trusted with your personal secrets. When your friend goes behind your back and talks about you or spills the secrets that you entrusted them with, it’s a clear sign that they don’t respect your privacy. It can feel like they’ve seriously betrayed your trust. A true friend is someone who shows you respect and maintains any boundaries you might have set.

   • A friend who doesn't respect you may also gossip about you or even spread rumors about you that aren’t true.
   • To deal with a friend’s betrayal, call them out on their actions and be honest about your feelings. Say something like, “I felt really angry and betrayed after finding out that you told them my secret.”
   • Decide whether you can forgive them or if you think you need to step away from the friendship if they’ve severely hurt you.

15

They don’t take responsibility for their actions.

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   They make excuses or try to blame other people. A friend who doesn’t value you is someone who doesn’t respect you by owning up to their actions. Instead, they’ll try to come up with excuses or put the blame on their situation or other people. For example, if they broke a promise, they might say something like, “I only acted like that because my job has been so stressful recently.”

   • They might also just lie about what happened or deny that they did anything wrong. Rather than taking responsibility, they might say something like, “I didn’t do that” or “That was totally someone else’s fault, not mine.”
   • Someone who takes responsibility for their actions would say something like, “I messed up and there’s no excuse for my actions. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
   • Use “I” language to express to them how their actions made you feel without making it sound like you’re accusing them. For example, instead of saying, “It was really terrible of you to forget your promise,” say, “I felt let down when you didn’t show up.”
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16

They don’t apologize.

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1. 
   Their apologies are insincere or they don’t apologize at all. If they don’t apologize when they make a mistake, it’s a sign that they don’t value your friendship or respect you. Instead of apologizing, they might just promise to buy you food or make a vague promise not to do whatever it is they did again. This can undoubtedly be frustrating, especially if you know that they were in the wrong.

   • While it may be hard, sometimes it’s best to forgive them in order to move on with your relationship. This doesn't mean forgetting what they did. Instead, it’s about letting go of your anger and not allowing it to hold you back.
   • If they consistently fail to apologize for their mistakes, it might be best to put some distance between you and them for a while and give them the opportunity to self-reflect on their actions.

17

They get you in trouble.

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   They pressure you to break the rules even if you’re uncomfortable. It’s a red flag if your friend pressures you to do things you’re uncomfortable with or partake in risky activities. It shows that they don’t truly respect you or your boundaries. For example, they might try to convince you to drink or do drugs even though you’ve said no.

   • Be firm in maintaining your boundaries if your friend tries to get you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. Say no and establish some consequences if they don’t listen to you.
   • For example, tell them that you won’t hang out with them for a few weeks if they continue their behavior.
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18

They don’t bother to learn about you.

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   They don’t ask about your opinions or thoughts on things. A true friend is someone who takes the time to get to really know you, but a friend who doesn’t value your friendship may not bother to get to know about your life and interests. They might instead choose to just talk about themselves, or they may just gossip about other people instead of asking about you.

   • Unfortunately, if it seems like they’re actively avoiding getting to know you, it might be that they don’t want to be friends with you.
   • In this situation, you might try opening up to them, but if they aren’t receptive of your attempts, it might be in your best interest to let them go and find a friend who shows a genuine interest in you.

19

They forget significant details about your life.

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1. 
   They might forget your birthday or what job you do. When your friend doesn’t make an effort to remember the most basic details about you, it’s a sign that they don’t truly value your friendship. Of course, people are bound to be forgetful at times, but if your friend can’t remember important details about your life, like your birthday or things you enjoy doing, it’s a sign that they may not value you as much as they should.
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20

They try to change you.

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1. 
   They don’t appreciate what makes you unique. A true friend is someone who accepts you for who you are. On the other hand, a friend who tries to change your personality or physical appearance doesn’t truly value your individuality. They might constantly compare you to other people and make suggestions about how you can change yourself to be more “appealing.”

   • Stay true to yourself and take pride in who you are. It’s your life and you don’t need to change just so that other people are happy.
   • If your friend can’t accept that, it might be time to let them go. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who accept you unconditionally and encourage you to be your authentic self.

21

They don’t talk about their personal life with you.

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1. 
   They may intentionally try to keep conversations surface-level. An important part of friendship is sharing details about your life to the other person. However, a person who doesn’t truly value your friendship may not open up despite your own attempts to form a deeper connection with them. They might deflect when you ask them questions or simply talk about trivial topics or other people.

   • Allow yourself to open up to encourage your friend to share more about themselves. Talk about things like your dreams, worries, or opinions on certain matters to start the conversation.
   • Show them that you’re actively listening when they talk to encourage them to share more. Get rid of distractions, don’t interrupt them, and ask them questions to show them that you’re engaged.
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22

They’re not there for you during hard times.

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1. 
   They might say they’re busy when you say you need them. Despite the fact that you might always be there to support them when they’re having trouble, they might not be there to reciprocate the favor. If it seems like they’re always too busy to help or comfort you, it might mean that they don’t value your friendship and are taking your generosity for granted.

   • For example, they might just send a “Sorry that happened” text rather than taking the time to listen to you and try to offer you more heartfelt support and comfort.
   • Communicate your needs directly to your friend to help them see where they may be lacking in giving you support. For example, tell them, “I’d appreciate it if I was able to call you when I want to talk about something.”
   • Focus on finding ways to take care of yourself instead of solely relying on your friend for comfort. Do relaxing activities to comfort yourself and reach out to other friends and family who you know will be there to help you.

23

They don’t show empathy toward you.

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   They might tell you to just “get over it” during hard times. Even when you’re dealing with something difficult, a friend who doesn’t value you might not try to understand where you’re coming from. Instead, they might simply brush your problems off or give you advice that doesn’t really address whatever it is you’re going through.

   • They might also be a bit harsh in their delivery and tell you things like, “It’s not that bad. I don’t know why you’re getting so upset.”
   • The most important thing is that you receive the support you need, and this might mean that you need to put some distance between yourself and your friend for a while. During this time, reach out to other friends and family who can give you comfort.
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24

They get jealous of your other friends.

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   They make you feel guilty for hanging out with other people. If a friend gets jealous of the other relationships in your life or makes you feel like you’re “abandoning them” for other people, it might be a sign that they don’t truly value your friendship for what it is. Even if you make an effort to spend time with them, they might always feel like it’s not enough.

   • A true friend doesn’t try to guilt you into spending time with them and respects your other relationships.
   • Confront them about their feelings and make an effort to understand where their feelings may be coming from. Ask them, “Is there something I did to make you feel this way?”

25

They manipulate you to get what they want.

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1. 
   They use guilt or even blackmail to get you to do what they want. Friends who don’t value you or respect your boundaries may have no problem with using manipulation to get you to do things the way they want. For example, they might gaslight you to make you feel guilty and take the blame for something.

   • Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt yourself and your memories in order to manipulate you psychologically.
   • For example, a friend who gaslights you might say something like, “You’re not remembering that. You know I’d never tell anyone your secrets, so why are you accusing me of that?”
   • Or, they might use guilt to get you to spend more time with them, such as by saying, “Am I even your friend? You never make time for me.”
   • Gaslighting is a sign of a toxic friendship. If you notice this happening, put some distance between you and them or stop contacting them altogether to end the friendship.
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