This article was co-authored by Ira Israel and by How.com.vn staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Ira Israel is a Licensed Counselor and Psychotherapist who has been in private practice for over 14 years. He specializes in teaching others about happiness and authenticity. Ira teaches sold-out Happiness and Authenticity workshops at Esalen Institute and Kripalu Center and has written over 400 articles on psychology, philosophy, Buddhism, yoga, film, art, music & literature for The Huffington Post, Good Men Project, Mind Body Green, Thrive Global, and Medium. Ira is also the author of How to Survive Your Childhood Now That You’re an Adult: A Path to Authenticity and Awakening. He attended The University of Pennsylvania and has graduate degrees in Psychology, Philosophy, and Religious Studies.
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You’re in a relationship, but things are starting to go south. You confess what’s going on to a close friend, and they give you the side eye and say, “You’re self-sabotaging.” Self-sabotaging? What does that even mean? You couldn’t possibly be doing this to your relationship yourself, right? In this article, we’ll teach you everything there is to know about self-sabotaging in relationships, from what it is to the causes and signs. With our help, you can learn to understand your behaviors, correct them, and stop self-sabotaging in its tracks.
Things You Should Know
- Self-sabotaging relationships occur when one partner sets out to destroy the relationship consciously or subconsciously.
- Self-sabotaging behavior is often an after-effect of childhood trauma, past experiences, or relationship fears.
- If someone’s self-sabotaging their relationship, they may be overly critical of their partner, have low self-esteem, and/or avoid controversial discussion.
Steps
7 Signs of Self-Sabotaging in Relationships
- Gaslighting Do you often question your partner’s feelings? If so, you may be unintentionally gaslighting them and self-sabotaging. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that makes someone question their reality.[7] Let’s say your partner says, “I’m upset you can’t come to the banquet tonight,” you respond with, “You’re not really upset. It’s your fault you told me last minute, so now you’re blaming me.” With this response, you’re invalidating your partner’s feelings, which could result in an argument.
- Stop gaslighting behavior by actively listening to your partner and doing your best to understand their position.
- Excessive criticism Do you always make a point to tell your partner when you disapprove of their outfit, behavior, or attitude? If so, you could be self-sabotaging the relationship. Criticism isn’t abnormal in relationships, but excessive criticism is. No matter what your partner does, it just doesn’t seem good enough for you.[8]
- Rather than noting everything wrong with your partner, note what’s right. Don’t forget to compliment them every once and a while!
- Topic avoidance Are you constantly dodging difficult conversations with your partner? Poor communication and avoiding decisive discussions could be a sign that you’re self-sabotaging. You don’t want to talk about anything that could divide you as a couple. You’d rather pretend you’re in sync to live out your perfect relationship fantasies.[9]
- Communicate better in your relationship by practicing active listening and not being afraid to share your opinion. Everyone has different opinions, and your ideal partner should be able to recognize that.[10]
- Infidelity Cheating or serial dating is often a sign of self-sabotage in relationships. Do you find yourself hooking up with others while you’re steady with someone else? Are you known as the “player” of your friend circle? If so, you may be self-sabotaging your relationships. You don’t necessarily want to be a player, but you struggle to find someone to commit to.[11]
- Take some time to evaluate what you want and need in a relationship. What’s holding you back? What does the ideal candidate need to do for you to be happy?[12]
- Low self-esteem Do you often question your worth around your partner? Are negative thoughts constantly invading your mind? If so, you may be inadvertently sabotaging your relationship. Low self-esteem can cause you to question the strength of your relationship and yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you believe in the relationship?
- Replace self-deprecating thoughts with positive ones to boost your self-esteem. For instance, instead of thinking, “I’m an idiot. What are they with me?” think, “I may not be as smart as others, but I am strong in other ways. My partner is lucky to have me.”[13]
- Trust issues If you have a hard time trusting your partner, you may be more likely to self-sabotage the relationship. Perhaps you’ve experienced infidelity or other toxic relationship behavior in the past. Either way, past relationships have made it difficult to trust. While this isn’t entirely your fault, a lack of trust can hinder communication and instigate self-sabotaging and anxiety-ridden behaviors.[14]
- Work on being honest with your partner and trusting their word. Trust doesn’t come easily, but the more open-minded you are, the more likely your relationship will last.
- Jealousy Are you constantly worried about what your partner is doing when you’re not around? Jealousy is normal in relationships—it happens—but being excessively jealous and controlling isn’t. Chances are that if you fret over every person your partner texts, hangs out with, or looks at, you’re self-sabotaging.[15]
- Set boundaries with your partner to establish trust. Express to them what you both can and can’t do in the relationship.
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References
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8449894/
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-sabotage-romantic-relationships-and-what-we-can-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/career/how-to-stop-self-sabotage
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8449894/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/201710/why-do-we-self-sabotage
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting
- ↑ https://greatist.com/grow/relationship-self-sabotage
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8449894/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://greatist.com/grow/relationship-self-sabotage
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
- ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
- ↑ https://greatist.com/grow/relationship-self-sabotage
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2022/02/09/1079587715/whats-your-attachment-style-quiz
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202303/4-subtle-signs-of-self-sabotage-in-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/201810/how-spot-your-emotional-triggers
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