How to Tell if It's a Rebound or True Love

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Make sense of your post-breakup feelings and relationships

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• Signs of a Rebound Relationship
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• Signs It’s For Real
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• Figuring Out Your Feelings
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• What to Do Next
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• Expert Q&A

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Rebounds, or getting with someone new shortly after a breakup, aren’t bad things in and of themselves, but navigating them is different than navigating a serious relationship, and it’s important to be honest with yourself about your intentions. That’s why we talked to dating coach Erika Kaplan to bring you the top signs you’re rebounding, as well as signs it’s the real deal. We’ll also help you sort through your feelings and figure out what comes next in your romantic life.

Things You Should Know

• You’re probably rebounding if you entered the relationship soon after you broke up, or if you’re distracting yourself from the breakup with the rebound.
• You might be rebounding if you can’t stop thinking about or mentioning your ex, which is a sure sign you have some healing to do.
• It could be a rebound if things get physical faster than usual, but also if you find that you’re more hesitant than usual to be emotionally vulnerable.

Steps

Section 1 of 4:

Signs of a Rebound Relationship

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1. 
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   You entered the relationship pretty soon after your breakup. It’s a textbook rebound: you broke up, felt bad, and so jumped right into a new relationship without a second thought. We don’t blame you, and it doesn’t mean your rebound is necessarily a mistake, but it does make it a rebound.

   • Ask yourself if you seriously think about your new partner as a real opportunity for a relationship, or if they’re just for fun, or to distract yourself.
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   You keep thinking or talking about your ex. A relationship should be all about you and your partner. So if your ex keeps shoving their way into your thoughts—or even into your conversations—it could be that you haven’t quite let them go, or that it could be a little too soon to start dating again.

   • Of course, you won’t just totally forget your ex. But these memories cause trouble when they distract you from enjoying time with other people.
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   You compare your new partner to your ex. Dating coach Erika Kaplan says that, “comparing, contrasting the way you treat [your new partner] or the way you guys interact” relative to your ex is a warning sign. It could be that you’re overly concerned with whether or not you “upgraded,” or that your new partner is simply a status symbol, not a genuine love interest.

   • Similarly, Kaplan says that if your new partner is the polar opposite of your ex, you may have just been trying to “overcorrect” your past relationship, but went too far, too soon.
   • On the flipside, if your new partner is a lot like your ex, you might be trying to “replace” them with someone new.
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   You keep checking on your ex’s social media. In our modern age, an expired romance may still have loose ends with regards to social media. You might find yourself checking your ex’s page, or interacting with them online even while you still harbor feelings for them, good or bad. That’s a sign that you’re still tethered to an old flame.

   • If seeing your ex online still stirs feelings, consider unfollowing or blocking them, or even taking a break from social media until those feelings pass.
   • Also assess the types of photos you're posting. Are you posting pictures to possibly get the attention of your ex? Or are you posting pictures because you're genuinely happy with the new guy?
5. 
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   You’re chasing a feeling, not a person. Often, rebound relationships are about something other than true love. You might miss the attention your ex gave you, or the “status” that comes with being in a relationship. If you feel more attracted to just being with someone—anyone—than being with your new partner, specifically, it could be a rebound.

   • Ask yourself: Do I feel the need to “show off” my new partner? Do I like them as a person, or do I like them just because they like me?
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   You don’t want to be vulnerable with your new partner. Dating Coach Erika Kaplan says, “if you don't feel the need to open up at all, if you feel very reluctant to even bother to do the work to do so, you might be in a rebound relationship.” You might still be licking your wounds and healing from the last relationship, meaning you won’t give this new partner a chance to really know you.

   • It’s natural to be hesitant after a breakup, but the problems start when you hold your new partner at arm’s length for fear of being hurt again, which prevents a real bond from forming.
7. 
   7
   Things get physical faster than usual. Dating Coach Erika Kaplan says that “rebounds become physical fast.” It’s probably because with a rebound, you’re looking for gratification more than genuine connection. Think about how long it usually take you to get to the touchy stage. If it hasn’t been long, you might be looking for intimacy, but not be totally ready for a relationship.
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs It’s For Real

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1. 
   1
   You’re genuinely interested in your new partner as an individual. You're bound to still have lingering thoughts of your ex, but that doesn’t mean your new romance isn’t healthy. If you find yourself invested in your new person and eager to learn more about their individuality, that’s a great sign! It means you like them for them, not just because they’re a date.

   • Ask yourself: What do I like about my new partner? Why do I like that about them? Is it connected at all to my last relationship?
2. 
   2
   You enjoy spending time with them, not just the idea of it. Sometimes we get into a new relationship just to have someone to bring to the next party, but that’s not super healthy or fair. But if you look forward to spending time with your new partner because you enjoy their personality—not just their presence—you’re on the right track.

   • Ask yourself: Would I be just as satisfied hanging out with a friend as I would hanging with my new partner? Do I feel satisfied around my new partner because of things they say or do, or because it’s better than the alternative?
   • Another positive sign is if you find yourself calling up your new partner regularly, not just when you’re lonely or unhappy.
3. 
   3
   You can naturally open up to them. Dating coach Erika Kaplan explains that people who aren’t ready for a new relationship tend to avoid vulnerability. So if you’re finding that you can open up to your new partner without it feeling overly awkward or difficult, it’s a great sign that you’re ready for this big next step.

   • That said, ask yourself if you’re forcing yourself to be vulnerable to prove to yourself that you’re ready, or to take a “shortcut” to a serious relationship.
   • Another good sign is feeling comfortable introducing them in-person to your friends or family, which shows that you’re invested beyond the rebound itself.
4. 
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   You can casually do things that used to remind you of your ex. When you’re still not over your ex, everything reminds you of them—certain songs, foods, locations, etc. But if you find that you can enjoy these things without hurting, it usually means you’ve healed enough to enjoy a new life and a new relationship, without being haunted by your ex.

   • You’ll still probably think about your ex when you encounter these things, but ask yourself whether or not it causes distress.
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Section 3 of 4:

Figuring Out Your Feelings

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1. 
   1
   Give yourself plenty of time to explore your feelings. You may be harboring feelings of resentment, guilt, or frustration about your recent break-up. We all handle breakups differently, but it's important to face those feelings rather than mask them with a new relationship.

   • There’s no set timeline for moving on from a breakup, but give yourself 1-3 months to feel your feelings, if you think you need it.
   • If you want intimacy shortly after a breakup, make your feelings and intentions clear to any new romantic partners.
2. 
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   Write down or discuss your feelings with someone close. A third party can often help us make sense of our feelings when they’re too murky for us to understand. That third party can even be a journal or diary. Find someone or something to express your emotions to, and you may find that it brings a lot of clarity of and comfort.

   • Ask them questions about how they’ve handled their own breakups or rebounds in the past. Their experiences can be a huge learning opportunity for you!
3. 
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   Ask yourself some tough questions about your dating life. If you're starting to date again, but still hung up on the previous ex, then it's important to ask yourself what you're feeling to find out more about what your intentions are and why you're acting this way. This is helpful to understand whether you're really into a guy, or just trying to forget your ex for a little while. Ask yourself:

   • Are you afraid of being single?
   • When you allow yourself to think about the break up, what do you feel? (Sad, mad, heartbroken, sick, etc.).
   • Do you fantasize often about running into your ex with your new date?
   • Are you dating to seemingly show off that you've moved on? Are you more focused on what others think rather than who you're actually dating?
   • When you think about your ex, are you able to wish them well despite what you've been through?
   • Do you still feel lonely or sad even when you are with your new partner?
   • How do you feel when you see other people in happy relationships, and why?
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Section 4 of 4:

What to Do Next

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1. 
   1
   Figure out what you want from your next (or current) relationship. A little direction can go a long way to finding the perfect partner for you. Think about why you date and what you’re hoping to find—love, sure, but also emotional support, life stability, and companionship. Jot these down, then ask yourself if each new romantic possibility could provide these.

   • Think about what makes a good relationship for you. Does the person you're interested in seem to be a good fit for you? Or are they just a friendly person who seems nice?
   • Also think about what your deal breakers are. Is this new partner already in a relationship or dating multiple people? Are they trustworthy? Are they often angry or abusive? Are they inattentive or uncaring?
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   Let your new partner know how you feel. There’s not much point hiding your feelings from your new partner. It’s unfair to both of you when they’re only working with half the story. Tell them about your situation. If they’re meant for you, they’ll understand, and together you’ll find a way forward, even if it is a rebound.

   • You might say, “I really enjoy spending time with you, but I’m working through some feelings right now. Can I tell you about them?”
   • Or, if you think you still need more time, you might consider ending the rebound. You might try again with them once you’ve sorted through things.
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   Take it slow with your new partner. We all have different timelines for breakups and new relationships. That said, it can help to go slow in a new romance and let things develop naturally. That way, you really learn more about your new partner and if they’re a good fit for you.

   • Don’t feel pressured to get intimate, or even emotional, right off the bat. Focus on having fun and learning about your new partner, and enjoy the ride. There’ll be time for all that later, if this really is a good relationship.
   • If you do feel like things are moving too fast, explain your feelings and ask for fewer or more casual dates. A worthy partner will accommodate your comfort.
4. 
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   Let your new partner be themselves, not a version of your ex. Make an effort to really explore your partner for who they are. Ask them about their life, their interests, what they want from a relationship and from their future. This helps give them their own identity and personhood in your head, and mentally separates them from your ex.

   • Avoid the temptation to compare them to your ex. If you find yourself doing this, remind yourself that they’re their own person, and your standards for your ex shouldn’t apply to them.
5. 
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   Focus on discovering and nurturing yourself. When you learn more about yourself and build your self-esteem, you also learn about how you handle relationships and why. Make yourself a priority by finding plenty of alone time, participating in your hobbies, and chasing your goals outside of romance.

   • When you’re confident even without a partner, you’ll be unstoppable when the right person does come along, rebound or not.
   • Find out what makes you happy outside of a relationship by trying new things—hobbies, careers, friends, anything! Don’t be afraid to do things alone, or to grab a friend to do them with you.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How can I tell if I really like someone or he's just a rebound?

  

  Erika Kaplan
  Matchmaker

  Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

  

  Erika Kaplan

  Matchmaker

  Expert Answer

  If the relationship feels strictly physical or if you don't feel ready to open up and be vulnerable, it may be a rebound relationship. Also, if you're dating someone who has all the opposite traits of your ex, it's often a rebound relationship.

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