How to Give Emotional Support: 13 Proven Techniques

Learn how to be there for someone when they need you the most

If you have a friend, family member, or romantic partner who's going through a difficult or traumatic time, provide them with emotional support so they feel more connected and less alone. The type of emotional support you give them will likely depend on your relationship and the particular situation they're going through. But the important part is that you show them that you're there for them and they can count on you. This support alone can help ease their stress during a troubling time.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source} Read on to find out exactly what you should do to give someone the emotional support they need.

1

Move to a private area.

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Go to an empty room or other place for privacy. If possible, let them choose the location so you can be in a spot where they feel comfortable. Seek out an area where the two of you can be alone and aren't likely to be interrupted or overheard. That will help the person feel like they can be more open.^{[2]XResearch source}
- For someone who's feeling antsy and can't sit calmly and talk, suggest going for a walk together. It might help them channel their nervous energy so they can clear their mind.
- If the person needs emotional support during a crisis situation, make sure you're in a place that's safe and relatively calm.

2

Give the person your undivided attention.

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Remove distractions so you can focus on what the person is saying. Silence your phone and put it out of sight so you won't be distracted by notifications. If there's a TV or other electronic device in the room you're in, turn it off. In a room, you might close the door or close the curtains on the window so you're not distracted by anything going on outside.^{[3]XResearch source}
- If there are other people around, you might let them know that the two of you need privacy for a little while so no one barges in or interrupts.

3

Listen actively.

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Make a conscious effort to pay attention to everything they say. When you practice active listening, you're not only listening to the words the person is saying. You're also watching their body language and the way they're speaking, including their tone and how fast they're talking. All of these things give you additional clues as to how they're feeling so you can provide them the emotional support they need.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Use what you learn about their feelings and their situation to adapt your response so it's appropriate and you don't go overboard.

4

Ask the person open-ended questions.

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Encourage the person to talk through their issue. When you ask open-ended questions, it shows the person that you're curious about their situation and want to hear more about it. They'll feel more comfortable and supported if they believe that you're interested in what they have to say. Give them plenty of time to answer—they might need a minute to gather their thoughts before they respond. Here are some questions you might ask:^{[5]XResearch source}
- "What happened next?"
- "How did that make you feel?"
- "What did you say to that?"
- "How are you going to respond?"

5

Use open body language.

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Make eye contact and touch them to communicate your support. Turn toward the person and open yourself to them so they can tell that you're supportive. If you're close to the person and they're open to physical touch, resting your hand on their arm or leg can show them that you care.^{[6]XExpert SourceMichelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 26 June 2020.}
- Making eye contact also lets the person know that you're focused on them. Just be sure to glance away occasionally—if you're staring, they'll likely feel uncomfortable.
- Nod occasionally and smile when appropriate to show that you're listening and supportive.
- Avoid crossing your arms, which can look defensive and closed off.

6

Summarize or reflect on what they say.

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Restate what the person said to make sure you understand. When you repeat back what the person has said to you it shows them that you were listening. If you've misunderstood, they can correct you and they'll feel more supported than they would if you made assumptions.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Paraphrase what they said rather than repeating it back word for word. This helps them see that you actually understand the feelings behind their words.
- For example, you might start with a phrase such as "It sounds like you're saying" or "What I'm hearing is." Then continue with your paraphrase of what you understand.
- Be careful not to interrupt or talk over the person. Give them all the time and space they need to talk, then reflect back when there's a natural pause in the conversation and it feels appropriate for you to say something.

7

Empathize with the person's feelings.

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Acknowledge the person's feelings and show understanding. Being empathetic is one of the most important parts of providing emotional support. Naming those feelings can help the person feel less alone and more connected. Here are some things you might say:^{[8]XResearch source}
- "It sounds like you're pretty disappointed."
- "You seem really upset."
- "That must be so hard to deal with."
- "I can see why you'd feel hurt by that."

8

Validate the person's feelings.

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Tell the person that how they feel is normal and makes sense. Validation goes a step further than empathy to let the person know that their feelings are legitimate. You can even say that you would feel the same way if you were in their shoes. It helps the person feel as though they're not overreacting or handling things in a weird or unusual way. Here are some things you could say:^{[9]XExpert SourceMichelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 26 June 2020.}
- "It's normal to feel a mixture of emotions right now."
- "It makes sense that you would be upset about that."
- "Anybody would've gotten angry at them for saying that."
- "Hey, if I were you I'd feel hurt too."

9

Offer reassurance and support.

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Let the person know they were right to talk to you. After they've unburdened themselves about the situation, they're likely feeling really vulnerable. When you reassure them, they'll feel safer and see that they can rely on you to listen without judging them.^{[10]XResearch source} To that end, avoid making minimizing or critical comments, such as "I told you so," or "It's not that big of a deal," or "You're blowing it out of proportion." Focus on showing support, even if you don't entirely understand the situation. You might say:^{[11]XExpert SourceLauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- "I'm sorry this is happening to you but I'm glad you told me about it."
- "Thank you for trusting me with this."
- "I hope you know I support you in whatever you decide."
- "I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this."

10

Help the person find solutions.

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Ask the person what would be the most helpful for them. Use "what if" statements to help the person find the best solution to the problem on their own. By framing an imaginary scenario, you give the person space to evaluate all the options on their own and figure out the best way to deal with the situation.^{[12]XExpert SourceMichelle Joy, MA, MFT
Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 26 June 2020.}
- For example, if the person is going through financial difficulties, you might say, "What if you talked to your supervisor about a pay raise?"
- Avoid giving the person advice or telling them how to fix the problem—even if you think you know how to do that! Instead, let them find the best solution on their own.^{[13]XResearch source}
- If you want to provide some sort of concrete assistance, you can frame this as a "what if" statement as well so that it doesn't sound like you're trying to fix things. For example, you might say, "What if I bought you groceries this week?"

11

Show the person love and affection.

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Appropriate physical affection helps the person feel more supported. If you're close to the person and they're open to physical affection, give them a hug to help them feel a little better. You might also put your arm around their shoulders, hold their hand, or rub their back.^{[14]XResearch source}
- If you're not super close to the person and haven't been physically affectionate with them before, ask before you do something like this. You don't want to inadvertently overwhelm them or trigger them.

12

Perform a kind gesture for the person.

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Do something nice for the person to show that you care. This could mean running an errand for them, doing chores, cooking them dinner, or anything else that will help lighten their load while they're dealing with their issues. Things like this help the person feel supported and show that you understand it takes time to heal from an emotional situation.^{[15]XExpert SourceRan D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical CounselorExpert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
- If the person is dealing with an ongoing situation, you might plan a distracting activity with them that can help them take their mind off of things for a little while.

13

Check back in with the person.

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Follow up to find out how they're doing a few days later. When you check back in with someone after you've given them emotional support, it shows them that you really care about their situation. You didn't just drop the issue—you're interested in what happened after they talked to you.^{[16]XResearch source}
- Keep in mind that the person might not want to talk about the situation anymore—especially if things didn't turn out the way they hoped. Just let them know that you're there if they do need someone to talk to again.

Expert Q&A

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Question
How do I ask for emotional support?
Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Answer
Just be open and honest about what you're feeling and what kind of support you need. If you choose to open up to someone who is understanding and loving, they'll be empathetic.
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How do I validate someone when I disagree?
Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Answer
You don't have to agree with what someone is saying to be empathetic toward them. Just listen to what they have to say and tell them you're there to support them. Acknowledge how they feel and keep your opinions to yourself for the time being.
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Tips

It's okay to go with your gut feeling about a situation. But if the person corrects you, accept that correction and move on. They'll feel supported if they believe that you accept their perspective on the matter unconditionally.^{[17]XResearch source}
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Don't forget to take time for yourself while you're emotionally supporting someone else—especially if they're dealing with a long-term ordeal. It's easy to get drained while you're caring for someone, but self-care will help.^{[18]XExpert SourceRan D. Anbar, MD, FAAP
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical CounselorExpert Interview. 7 July 2020.}
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Unless the situation is dangerous, avoid giving the person advice unless they ask for it specifically.
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Warnings

Avoid minimizing the person's experience even if it doesn't seem like such a big deal to you, such as by saying something like "it could always be worse."
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If you're providing emotional support during a crisis situation, move to a safe place and make medical assistance a priority if necessary.
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