Download ArticleKeep a conversation going and fill dead air with these tips
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This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS and by How.com.vn staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
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We all know what it's like when a conversation dies off and you're left to sit in silence together. There's only one word to describe it: awkward! Thankfully, filling these silences isn't as difficult as it may seem. Keeping a conversation going can be as easy as asking a few open-ended questions, sharing something interesting about yourself, and doing something fun together. Read on to learn how to initiate small talk and deal with awkward silences.
Things You Should Know
- Ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation going and bring up interesting topics. Try asking, "What do you like to do for fun?"
- Make a general statement to help fill the dead air. Maybe you mention how good your food is or how bright the sun is.
- Tell a story to share more about yourself and fill the silence. You could talk about your hobbies, goals, or something you know you're both interested in.
Steps
Try using basic icebreakers to initiate a conversation. Start with "small talk" if you're not sure what to say.[1] Keep a few simple questions that you can ask in almost any situation in the back of your mind like:[2]- Asking a new acquaintance, "So, where are you from?" "How do you know (your mutual friend)?", or "What do you do for fun?"
- Catching up with a friend with "How is your job going?", "How's your family?", or "Did you do anything fun last weekend?"
Think of topics ahead of time. Before attending a social event, think of a few "go-to" topics to jumpstart a dead conversation. This will help you to fill the silences so that you aren't scrambling for words in the moment.- People who share your interest in a sport or hobby can be the easiest to talk to. Just talk about what you find interesting, whether it's last night's game or a new crochet pattern you found.
- If you're talking to coworkers, think of a topic you all recognize from work. Go for something light-hearted like "What do you think of the new lunch place?"
- Recent news, local events, and popular books and television shows are all good fallback options. Avoid politics in situations where people aren't looking for debates.
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Ask open-ended questions to get the other person talking. Open-ended questions have more than 1 possible answer, so they are likely to get the person talking more than asking a question that will result in a short response. Try asking the person some open-ended questions to get the conversation going.[3]- For example, instead of asking, "Where did you meet your girlfriend?" you might ask, "How did you meet your girlfriend?" The second question could result in a story about the circumstances, location, and people involved in meeting their girlfriend, while the first question only requests a single answer.
- Another way to ask an open-ended question is to convert a "yes" or "no" question into a question that asks for more detail. For example, instead of asking, "Did you like your high school?" you could ask, "What did you like about your high school?"
Make a general statement to fill the silence. Find something casual to comment on if things start getting awkward. A good way to do this is to make a statement of observation about where you are. For example, during a lull, you might say, "Wow, look at that painting over there! I would love to be able to paint like that. Are you artistic at all?”[4]- If you are having a meal together, you could say something about the food: "Is it me, or is this the best salad place in town?" Not only does that break the silence, but posing a question gives the other person a chance to respond.
- Make a funny or intriguing comment about an inanimate object: "I heard these floorboards were originally part of the Winchester House. The owner of that building was quite eccentric, you know."
Tell a story. Share new information about yourself in the form of an entertaining story. You could say, "The funniest thing happened to me the other night." Then share a memorable experience you had. A good story engages other people and helps take the conversation further.[5]
Talk about your passions. Fuel a conversation with your enthusiasm or pride for a specific topic. Talk about personal achievements or goals that make you unique and give insight into your personality. For example, you might say, "I was rock climbing this last weekend and on-sighted a 5.9 with no beta!" They'll either be intrigued or ask what a 5.9 with no beta is.- Avoid bragging about competitive topics or comparing yourself to others. Focus on your personal goals and how achieving them made you feel.
- Be tactful about topics the other person may be sensitive to. For instance, avoid talking about your great vacation to someone who can't afford one or bragging about your successful diet to someone struggling to lose weight.
Give a compliment. This is always a safe bet, as long as it's appropriate. For example, you could say, "I've been meaning to tell you I really like your shirt. Where did you get it?" This could move the conversation in another direction while making the other person feel good.[6]- Stick to complimenting someone's personality or achievements if you're trying to make small talk. Save the physical compliments when you're flirting with a crush or significant other.
Change the subject. It may not be that you have run out of things to say, only that the topic of conversation has been played out. Take the conversation in a different direction by talking about the news, the weather, or your favorite book—anything to break away from the previous conversation.[7] If there's no obvious transition, try making your own:- "I know this isn't related, but I just remembered. Someone said you knew Joel. How did that happen?"
- "Going back to what you said earlier, you have a dog, right? What breed is he?"
Do an activity to fill the silence. If you decide you enjoy the person you're talking with but the conversation has stalled, suggest something you can do together. Not only can this give you more to talk about, but it also allows you to spend more time together. Check out these scenarios and examples:- If you're at a party, see who can make up the silliest move on the dance floor.
- If you're on a date, suggest taking a walk around the block.
- If you're out with a friend, head to a store you've never been to before.
End the conversation if things get too awkward. Conversations don't last forever, and there's no need to be ashamed of ending one. If a conversation remains awkward and doesn't seem to be going anywhere, it's okay to call it quits. Try smiling and saying, "Please excuse me," before walking away.[8] In other instances, you might:- Bumping into an acquaintance in public: "Hi Jenny! You look great. I'm in a rush but I'll see you later, yeah?"
- Short conversation via phone or text: "Okay, I'm glad we worked out (the purpose of the conversation). Talk to you again soon!"
- Long conversation at a social event: "I've really enjoyed getting to know you. I'm going to go mingle for a bit."
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Find the general tone. Sometimes awkward silences are the result of an inappropriate comment. For instance, if you're unsure whether the person will appreciate your sense of humor, hold off on making a joke until you're confident it'll be well received.- Try pushing the conversation with a probing comment to find the tone and see how people respond. For example, if you want to discuss politics, you could say, "This has surely been an interesting election." Maybe they'll disclose some of their views and you can get an idea about where they stand.
Listen carefully and respond to their reactions. As with any good conversation, the biggest key is to listen. If they respond to your question with a short statement such as "Yep" or "Nope," that might indicate that they aren't comfortable talking about a particular subject. Instead, talk about something that you know they're interested in. For example, "I heard you won your hockey game the other night. I’d love to hear about it.”[9]- Pay attention to their body language.[10] If they cross their arms, fidget nervously, or look down, they might be uncomfortable.
Build on previous statements. This is a natural way to fill a silence. Say you mentioned the pouring rain and they expressed concern about their dog getting sick. This is a great way to move the conversation along. Take this as an opportunity to ask about their dog or discuss your own pet(s). By finding common ground with the current subject and sharing more, the conversation can continue.[11]- Think back to something you've discussed before. For example, you can fill a silence with, "Last time we talked, you mentioned a new project you were working on. I've been meaning to ask you about it."
Share information gradually throughout the conversation. The conversation probably won't last very long if you blurt out everything at once. Instead, gradually insert information about yourself and allow time for the other person to contribute as well. This prolongs the conversation and keeps awkward silences to a minimum.[12]- If you've been talking about your job for a while, take a break and ask the other person, "What's new at your job these days?" This will allow both of you to have an equal contribution to the conversation.
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Accept the silence. Just because there's a pause in the conversation doesn't mean it's automatically awkward. Perhaps the person is thinking about their response or maybe there's simply a natural pause.[13] Take silence in a conversation as an opportunity to connect by making eye contact or being present with the person.[14]- For example, if someone has shared something difficult with you, instead of trying to find the right words, ask if you can hug them.
Identify the source. There's generally something that causes awkward silence. If you recognize the cause, you can more easily fill the silence. Maybe someone said something that made the other party uncomfortable or you're trying to avoid conflict. Depending on the situation, you can respond accordingly and move forward.- If you said something that made the other person uncomfortable, you can apologize by saying something like, "I'm sorry, that was out of place." Then, move the conversation in a new direction.
- If you don't have much in common with the other person and have exhausted your shared interests, the silence might tell you it's time to leave. Excuse yourself by saying, "I have to go now. I have a lot of work to do. Take care!"
Acknowledge the awkward moment. This works best when the conversation has been halted by somebody saying something embarrassing, rude, or untimely. If the silence is thick enough to cut with a knife, try smiling or laughing the awkwardness away by saying, "Well, this is awkward." [15]- For example, if you're talking about how much you hate chess, and the other person says, "Oh, it's my favorite game. I'm actually a grandmaster." You could say, "Well, I guess we won't be chess partners anytime soon!" Then, change the subject to an area of common ground.
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionI have been dating someone for a while, and we have lots of awkward silences, but it also seems like we have a strong connection. What can I do to make things less awkward?
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MSTrudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
Professional CounselorPerhaps you are both introverts. Conversations can be awkward for introverts because they are better thinkers than talkers. Look into it and have a conversation about it. Then, learn to not feel awkward with silence and enjoy being together. - QuestionIs it bad if you just walk away when there's an awkward silence?Trudi Griffin, LPC, MSTrudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
Professional CounselorIt is not bad at all. However, it is respectful to communicate that you are leaving either by telling them you have to go or just saying, "Goodbye. Have a nice day.”
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Tips
- Be open to allowing the conversation to go in whichever path it takes—don't think too hard![16]Thanks
- Always be friendly and respectful. This helps put the other person at ease and facilitates a conversation.[17]Thanks
- Focus on being present in the conversation. If you put a lot of pressure on yourself to keep the conversation going, you'll likely divert your focus from the actual discussion.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/how-have-better-conversations-friends-family-or-anyone
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201510/8-ways-survive-awkward-conversations
- ↑ https://www.edutopia.org/blog/teaching-your-students-conversation-allen-mendler
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/abigail-tracy/awkward-silences-why-we-hate-them-and-how-to-deal-with-them.html
- ↑ http://blog.sonicbids.com/4-ways-to-fill-awkward-silences-during-your-performances
- ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-have-better-conversations-people-you-ve-just-met-according-ncna1005941
- ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/awkwardsilences
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201510/8-ways-survive-awkward-conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201510/8-ways-survive-awkward-conversations
- ↑ https://www.thecut.com/article/how-to-start-a-conversation-9-conversation-starters-and-tips.html
- ↑ https://www.thecut.com/article/how-to-start-a-conversation-9-conversation-starters-and-tips.html
- ↑ https://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/how-have-better-conversations-friends-family-or-anyone
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170718-the-subtle-power-of-uncomfortable-silences
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/10/15/923962314/good-conversations-take-time-and-attention-heres-how-to-have-better-ones
- ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/awkwardsilences
- ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-have-better-conversations-people-you-ve-just-met-according-ncna1005941
- ↑ https://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/how-have-better-conversations-friends-family-or-anyone
About This Article
Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS and by How.com.vn staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 1,051,516 times.
Co-authors: 60
Updated: January 31, 2024
Views: 1,051,516
Categories: Conversation Skills
Article SummaryX
Awkward silences are bound to come up in conversation from time to time. To liven things up again and break the ice, try asking an open-ended question that requires more than a yes or no answer. For example, if you’re talking to a new acquaintance, say something like “Where are you from?” or “What do you like to do for fun?” If it’s someone you already know, try something like “How’s your family doing?” or “What are your plans for the weekend?” Look for topics that you both relate to or find interesting, such as a shared hobby or a TV show you both watch. Focus on what the other person is saying and ask follow-up questions to show you’re paying attention and encourage them to keep talking. If they ask you any questions, share information gradually instead of giving them a lengthy or over-complicated answer. Keep the tone of the conversation positive, friendly, and sympathetic. If you feel like it’s time to wrap things up, look for a way to exit the conversation gracefully. For example, say something like, “I need to get going, but it’s been great catching up. Let’s talk again soon!” For advice on how to make a graceful exit when a conversation gets too awkward, keep reading!
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