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Being scapegoated by your family can lead to feelings of worthlessness and isolation—but if you feel like you’re the family scapegoat, you’re not alone. Many people grow up in dysfunctional families where blame and manipulation are used by the people they’re meant to trust most. But what does it mean to be a family scapegoat? We’ll tell you that and more in this article as we cover the causes and impacts of scapegoating (hint: it’s never, ever, your fault) and how to heal from this unhealthy family dynamic.
Scapegoat of the Family
The family scapegoat is the person who gets blamed for the rest of the family’s mistakes. Scapegoating usually begins when a dysfunctional or abusive parent blames a child for everything bad that happens—as a result, this child grows up believing that they’re inherently “bad” or “wrong.”
Steps
Signs You May Be the Family Scapegoat
- You’re punished for telling the truth. You may feel like anytime you talk about what’s actually going on, you get in trouble. Your family may scold, punish, or abandon you when you don’t go along with their version of events. Rather than acknowledging the truth in what you’re saying, they redirect the blame back toward you.[8]
- 2You’re the person who shines a light on family issues. You might call a family member out for their bad behavior or threaten to mention a family secret. Even though this may be the healthy thing to do, your family will label you as the “bad guy” or “whistleblower.” In reality, your family is just scared that you’ll reveal their level of dysfunction and abuse.[9]
- 3Your family blames you for their mistakes. You may ask your parents to acknowledge their poor behavior and shortcomings. Rather than reflecting on that in a mature and healthy way, your family will point to your reaction as the issue. They won’t acknowledge your valid emotional response and instead will brand you as “crazy” or as a “troublemaker.”[10]
- 4You’re held to a different standard than other family members. You may express the same opinion as your golden child sibling or cousin, but you get insulted for it while they get celebrated. This dynamic is also known as the black sheep effect, which is when a family unit judges an “unlikeable” family member more harshly than a “likable” family member.[11]
- 5You feel left out of your family. You may find yourself on the outskirts of conversations or even fail to be invited to family events. Family members would rather exclude and isolate you than hear your side of the story.[12]
- Simultaneously, you may get criticized for seeming disengaged from or not showing up to family events—even when you’re not invited.
- This criticism is an attempt to make you feel guilty or ashamed for no good reason.
- 6Your family bad-mouths you. Family members may talk badly about you behind your back. By sullying your reputation, they’re trying to make it less likely that others will believe you when you speak out about the family’s dysfunction.[13]
- 7Your family makes you feel shameful or guilty. After being a family scapegoat for years and years, your family has groomed you to believe that you are always bad or wrong. Whenever something bad happens, your family will guilt you into feeling like they are your fault and your job to fix.[14]
- 8Your family never praises or acknowledges you. They may downplay or even ignore your accomplishments. You may never hear compliments or praise from your family regarding your positive traits and attributes. This experience may cause you to give up on your potential altogether or to work doubly hard to prove yourself to them.[15]
- 9You have a difficult relationship with your siblings. In dysfunctional families, siblings are often pitted against each other by parents and adult family members. As a result, your siblings may disrespect you, discredit you, and fail to give you the support that you’d see in a healthy sibling relationship.[16]
- Especially if your siblings are treated as golden children or “favorites” compared to you, they may buy into the story they’ve been told about your rebelliousness or unworthiness.
Expert Q&A
Video
Tips
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202401/how-to-rise-above-the-role-of-family-scapegoat
- ↑ https://sydneyjewishmuseum.com.au/jewish-culture/the-origins-of-the-scapegoat/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202104/how-toxic-families-choose-a-child-to-scapegoat
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/scapegoat-child
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/scapegoat-child#scapegoat-defined
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/scapegoat-child#scapegoat-defined
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202104/how-toxic-families-choose-a-child-to-scapegoat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202104/how-toxic-families-choose-a-child-to-scapegoat
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/family-scapegoat/#5_worrying_signs_of_a_family_scapegoat
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://the-life-helper.com/growing-up-in-an-abusive-home-the-scapegoat-the-lost-and-the-golden-child/
- ↑ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/07/06/scapegoated/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/scapegoat-child#effects-of-childhood-scapegoating
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/what-is-scapegoating-and-why-should-you-avoid-it/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201101/the-scapegoat-identity
- ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/what-is-scapegoating-and-why-should-you-avoid-it/
- ↑ https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/03/18/why-cutting-ties-with-scapegoating-family-is-trauma-informed/
- ↑ https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/03/18/why-cutting-ties-with-scapegoating-family-is-trauma-informed/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202401/how-to-rise-above-the-role-of-family-scapegoat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202401/how-to-rise-above-the-role-of-family-scapegoat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202401/how-to-rise-above-the-role-of-family-scapegoat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202401/how-to-rise-above-the-role-of-family-scapegoat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202306/a-possible-upside-of-being-scapegoated-in-a-toxic-family
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