A Complete Guide to Falling In Love & Building Your Connection Over Time

Falling in love is beautiful, earth-shattering, magical, and sometimes really hard. Whether you're struggling to get over negative patterns, meet new people, or create a deep connection, your feelings are completely normal. So many people all over the world are asking themselves the same question: how can I finally find a deep, meaningful love? And luckily, there are tons of changes you can make today to raise your chances of romance—and, enjoy yourself more along the way, too. Let's get started.

Things You Should Know

Being kind to and comfortable with yourself is a great way to increase your shot at finding love. Take care of you first!
The more people you meet, the better chance you have at finding romance. Try online dating and joining clubs, for example.
Long-term love is all about communication, kindness, and conflict management. Stay respectful with your partner, and love is sure to last.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Opening Yourself Up to Love

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1
Think about your patterns in love—and avoid repeating mistakes. People naturally put up walls to avoid getting hurt, and that makes total sense. If you know you reject crushes, avoid intimacy, or let insecurity run your romances, then know that acknowledging the issue is a big first step. Now, you’re empowered to change. Look for new approaches in love, for example:^{[1]XResearch source}
- If you distance yourself to avoid getting hurt, communicate that to your crush: “I tend to pull away when I catch feelings, but I don’t want to do that with you.”
- If you reject people that you have feelings for, try to take things slow: “I like you, and I’m nervous about that. Can we take things slow at the beginning?”
- If you tend to feel desperate and insecure in love, recenter yourself: “I know that this isn’t about them, it’s about me. Today, I'm going to focus on things I can control.”
2
Accept yourself for who you are, because you’re amazing. No one is perfect, so why are you holding yourself to such a high standard? The truth is, when we actively love and celebrate ourselves, we make it easier for others to as well. Focus on healing old wounds and becoming the best you you can be; then, do your best to come to terms with your insecurities (after all, we all have them!). ^{[2]XResearch source}
- Try therapy and journaling to heal. If you’ve been cheated on, for instance, processing with a pro can help you keep that from affecting new romances.
- Things like exercise, creative expression, or even socializing make us feel more like ourselves. Wish you were someone who read more? Go be that person!
- Negative self talk feeds insecurity. So instead, challenge them: “No, brain, I’m not the dumbest person in my class. I’m still learning, and that’s great!”
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3
Keep critical thoughts about your own love life in check. When faced with disappointments, sometimes people convince themselves of things that are untrue. This can create hopeless and defeated feelings, and it might even keep you from taking big opportunities in love. Stay positive and correct bad thoughts—positivity takes more effort than negativity, but in the end, you’ll be closer to finding love if you’re willing to do the work.^{[3]XResearch source}
- You’ll never find love: Actually people find love all of the time, and if I put myself out there, there’s no reason that I won’t too.
- You’re unlovable: This isn’t true. Everyone deserves love, and my future partner will be so glad that I’m such an affectionate, loyal person.
- I’m too broken for love: I’m working to heal myself every day, and that’s huge. Plus, people don’t need to be totally healed in order to be ready for love.
4
Resist the urge to play games. In today’s dating world, playing hard-to-get and withholding feelings are sometimes the norm. However, honesty and open dialogue create a clearer path to love. It might make you feel a little more vulnerable than playing coy, but in the end, it’s more likely to help you find what you’re looking for. You don’t have to share every detail on date #1, but do try to be authentic.^{[4]XResearch source}
- For instance, if you went on a date with someone and had a good time, don't make them chase. Instead, tell them you'd like to hang again: “I had a great time...”
- Opening up is an important part of building a relationship. You don’t have to confess your deepest feelings right away, but honesty, not mind games, is the key to love.
5
Take rejection in stride and remember, it’s totally normal. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back hurts, but it’s something everyone experiences. Don’t convince yourself that someone else’s feelings are a reflection of your value, and don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. Think of it this way: to find love, facing rejection is basically a given. Feel your feelings, but don’t let it get you down for long. Try out these tips for overcoming rejection:^{[5]XResearch source}
- Hang out with people you love. You know that friend who always makes you smile? Call them up for a quick coffee to get your mind off of things.
- Enjoy something you’re passionate about. No matter your relationship status, your love of reading, painting, or running doesn’t change. Go enjoy it!
- Take a self-care day. A little relaxation and pampering can go a long way, leaving you rejuvenated. Buy a treat, get a facial, or take a long nap.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Making New Connections

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1
Put yourself out there regularly—don’t rely on “fate.” Whenever you have the opportunity, strike up conversations with new people. Chat with someone in line at the grocery store, say hello to strangers at coffee shops, or have lunch with a new peer or coworker. It’s tempting to think that the stars will align, throwing you in your lover’s path. And that’s not to say it won’t, but still, focus on meeting new people, and it can only help your odds.^{[6]XResearch source}
- The more people you meet, the more likely you meet someone you really connect with. Every new conversation is another opportunity to start a romantic connection.
- 39% of people meet their spouse through friends. So even if your new friend isn’t a love match, they might introduce you to someone who is.
- Over time, you’ll become an even better conversationalist, and your social confidence will probably skyrocket, too. This’ll give you an even greater shot at love.
2
Take up a new hobby or join a club. With every new activity you join, you’re exposed to even more new connections. Plus, sign up for something you’re really interested in (like a writer’s circle, a dance group, or a celebrity’s fan club), and you’ll already have tons in common. Search for clubs online, try Facebook groups, take your county’s Parks and Recreation sports classes, or join groups your friends love. ^{[7]XResearch sourcehhttps://www.self.com/story/how-to-make-friends-as-adult}
- If you meet someone that you like, invite them to an event related to your group. Maybe a great author is coming to town, another big reader might love to join.
- Or, get your friends to sign up for an adult’s sports league. You’ll meet new people at every game, and you can always ask the winners to buy drinks for the losers.
3
Meet new people through online dating. 20% of committed relationships start from online dating these days. Make a profile that feels like you, and try to let your personality shine through. Then, don’t be afraid to reach out to people; come up with clever or sweet openers to hook yourself a date. Then, remember to be safe; always text a friend with your date’s info, and choose a public place for your first meeting.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Consider making a Tinder profile, a Bumble profile, a Hinge profile, an eHarmony profile, or take a quiz that matches you to your perfect app.
- Reach out to matches that spark your interest. Do your best to send a message that will show how fun, funny, and kind you can be.
4
Brainstorm the specific qualities you’re looking for in a partner.^{[9]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Intuition plays a part in finding love, but don’t expect things to click automatically when you meet someone great. Think critically about what traits make for the kind of relationship you want, and when you meet new people, look for signals that they have those qualities. Not that you should stick strictly to your checklist—think of your list as a helpful jumping off point.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Maybe a sense of humor and honesty top your list. In conversation, do you see them exhibiting these characteristics?
- Overlapping goals and interests can help, too. If you love the outdoors and want kids, does this person share the same feelings?
- While physical attraction plays a part in finding a spark, to a lot of people this isn’t the key to loving relationships. Don’t prioritize this over the most important things.
EXPERT TIP
Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
People fall in love faster when their goals align. When individuals have clear personal timelines, such as starting a family within a certain timeframe, they tend to quickly fall in love with partners who fit into these plans. Their focus on fulfilling specific goals makes them view potential relationships as boxes to check, so they become very receptive to love and commitment if the match seems compatible.
5
Avoid rushing to judgment when you meet new people. Knowing and searching for ideal qualities in a partner is helpful, but snap judgments could keep you from something great. The truth is, you won’t know everything about a person at first meeting, and sometimes, people will surprise you. Keep yourself open to new possibilities with your connections and try to give them time before you cut the cord or consider them a friend.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Sometimes, the ideas we have about who we want can change over time, or be less important than we think.
- If you start to experience feelings for someone you hadn’t considered a good match, why not lean into them?
- Staying open and flexible about your romantic life is one of the keys to finding someone great.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Creating a Lasting Love

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1
Keep a positive, curious mindset about the person you’re dating.^{[12]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} When you’re having fun and looking for the best in your partner, you’re way more likely to keep building a healthy, deep connection. Enjoy your time with them, get to know them, and share more about yourself, too. Instead of looking for all of their faults, appreciate and celebrate those quirks and qualities that you really like.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Stay curious in love. Ask them about what makes them tick—their childhood, their fears, their passions, and their memories.
- Try to see the best in them. Isn’t their laugh so cute? Doesn’t their career fascinate you? Make sure to express your positive feelings, too.
- When you’re together, focus on having a ball. Try a new sport together, go to a comedy show, buy each other wacky outfits from the thrift store, anything.
2
Communicate with your partner openly.^{[14]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Communication is essential, no matter how long you’ve been together. Try to have quality conversations as often as possible, discussing your goals, desires, and relationship’s health. Communication is how you two can handle big changes, continue growing together, and make sure you’re both continuing to feel good in your relationship.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Set aside distraction-free time to chat. Ask each other open-ended questions, like, “What was the most interesting part of your day?” to stay connected.
- Be open about your goals and plans.^{[16]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Continue talking about where you see the relationship going and what you hope for the future.^{[17]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- If one of you is feeling unfulfilled, create a safe space to talk it through. Brainstorm solutions, all while being as transparent and judgment-free as you can be.
3
Share new experiences to keep things fresh. Getting comfortable with your partner is amazing, but you don’t want “cozy” to turn into “boring.” To keep your relationship exciting, try new things and visit new places together. Your relationship is just as beautiful and worth celebrating as it was when you got together, and you’d be surprised how much shaking up your routine can put that in perspective.^{[18]XResearch source}
- Schedule regular date nights and mix it up when you do.^{[19]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Try a new restaurant or explore a new part of your city.
- Take on an exciting challenge or learn a new skill together. You could go skydiving, hike or go rock climbing, or take a cooking class.
- Plan a thrilling getaway. Has your partner always wanted to see Portugal? Book a trip. Or, do a simple staycation—this can work wonders, too.
4
Show interest in your partner’s individual passions and identity. Be their best cheerleader—show up for major occasions, like showcases. This can allow you two to avoid a co-dependent relationship, all while staying connected to your partner's life. Even though you love each other and love being around each other, for a relationship to last a long time, make sure that you're both staying true to yourselves, too.^{[20]XResearch source}
- If your partner loves long-distance running, let them enjoy that alone. But still, show up when they have a big race, homemade sign and all.
- As relationships mature, people sometimes feel like they’re losing themselves. Independent goals can help you avoid this, all while staying close to your partner.
5
Do small acts of kindness for each other every day. Little favors and gestures are a great way to show your partner that you love them. Leave an “I love you, have a great day!” note on the bathroom mirror to make them feel special. Or, wash the dishes after they made dinner, because this will show that you care. Kind actions like this will actually deepen your feelings of love.^{[21]XResearch source}
- Look for ways you can improve their life without being asked. Did they stain their favorite sweater? Buy them a replacement.
- Pick them up when they’re feeling down. If you’re partner had a stressful day, surprise them with dinner and a bubble bath at home.
- Share responsibilities. If one partner takes on more work, resentment might follow. Ask them to let you know how they're feeling about household workloads.
6
Find healthy ways to deal with conflict. Instead of resorting to personal attacks, make calm, respectful discussions the norm in your relationship. The truth is, disagreements are inevitable. Dealing with them appropriately plays a key role in falling and staying in love.^{[22]XResearch source}
- For example, “I feel like I do more around the house. Could we discuss?” is healthy, but “You’re lazy. You never do anything,” is not.
- When resolving an argument, avoid holding grudges, bringing up the past, or threatening to break up as a knee-jerk response—this creates an unhealthy dynamic.
- If you or your partner need to cool off, that’s okay. Take a break: “I think we could both use some space to chill out. Let’s discuss this when we’re calm.”
Do your best to let go of the need to control the outcome of the relationship (this is hard, we know!). When it comes to love, you’re not always in control—that’s what makes it tricky, but it’s also what makes it exciting. So, do your best to be patient. You can’t force yourself (or someone else) to get hit by cupid’s bow, so take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.^{[23]XResearch source}

Expert Q&A

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Question
What can I do to fall in love with someone deeply?
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Keep experiencing new things together to help keep your romance going. Surprise them with small gifts, plan regular nights out, or come up with traditions you can do together.
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Can I fall in love with anyone?
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
It's possible, but you'll usually fall in love with someone who has similar interests and values as you.
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Tips

If you find yourself unable to let your guard down or fall in love, consider talking to a therapist. They can help you understand and overcome your defenses.
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If you’ve been hurt in the past, try to remember that it wasn’t this new person isn’t the same one who hurt you. Do your best to let go of the past and live in the moment with your partner.
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Love is scary! Opening yourself and being vulnerable with someone takes time, so be patient with one another.
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