How to Deal with the Death of a Grandmother

For many, losing a grandparent means losing a very special family member who has played a major role in their life. If you have recently lost your grandmother you might feel a number of different emotions. It can be very confusing and frightening to lose a loved one. Your grandmother may even be the first person in your life to ever die, which can further complicate your feelings. Death is a natural part of life, and we all have to deal with it at some point. Learn how to get closure, support, and move on after losing your grandmother.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting Closure

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1
Feel your emotions. You will go through the process much more easily if you do not try to fight or hold in what you're feeling. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time-frame in which grief ends. Try to open yourself up to the anger, sadness, confusion, or abandonment feelings that come over you. As time passes, you should begin to heal and feel better.
- Some grandchildren may take a grandmother's death harder due to the duration and closeness of the relationship, the cause of death, or how other family members are reacting. Adults should be sure to demonstrate authentic grief and let any children or adolescents know that it's okay to cry or be sad.
Take some time for yourself to understand your thoughts about your grandmother's death. Write them down in a journal if you feel like that helps. Remember the good memories you had and the impact she had on your life. Ask others to share stories about the long, full life she had. This should bring you comfort knowing that her time on earth was filled with family, love, and interesting experiences.
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3
Attend the memorial. Attending the memorial service is a terrific way to get closure from your grandmother's death, and offer support to other family members.
- If you are a minor, it will be up to your parents and your age as to whether you are allowed to attend the funeral or memorial service. If you have a desire to attend, express your opinion to your parents.
- Then, they can explain to you what will happen at the service and determine if you will feel comfortable attending. They should know that attending the memorial can help you get closure and celebrate your grandma's life.
4
Create a memory box or book. It can be helpful to process your feelings about your grandmother's death while making a memory box or book. Choose some of your favorite memories in the form of photos and mementos that you shared with your grandmother. Ideas for what to include in your box are endless--try using recipes, favorite song lyrics, or collecting short stories about her life to put inside. Decorate your box/book to your liking.
- If you are younger person who was not allowed to attend the memorial service, this can be a creative activity that brings you closure. However, even if you did attend the memorial service, it could still be helpful to connect with your memories and talk it over with someone while doing this creative activity.
5
Understand the death. Ask questions to come to an understanding of your grandmother's death. You might get closure by learning that, after a long illness, your grandmother is no longer in pain. Depending on your age, your ability to understand death will vary.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Really young kids, around age 5 or 6, often think in literal terms, so saying "Grandma went to sleep" might make them worry that the same will happen to them when they sleep. Parents should reassure kids that they were not responsible for the death because some kids fear a death happened because of something they did.^{[2]XResearch source} For example, the child might think Grandma died because he didn't visit her often enough.
- Older children and adolescents above the age of 9 can often understand the finality of death and that everyone eventually dies.

Part 2

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Getting Support

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The grieving process is only intensified when you pull away and isolate yourself from others. Remind yourself of the people still here and that they, too, lost an important family member. Fight the desire to pull away or appear strong and seek comfort from loved ones who are also mourning.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
2
Turn to your faith. If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, now is the time to search out those verses or quotes that remind you that things will get better soon. Participating in religious/spiritual functions can further help you find closure, connect with others, and provide you with hope for the future.
- Research has shown that people with strong spiritual beliefs--because of the principles described about human life and existence beyond--tend to resolve their grief sooner than those who do not.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- If you are a non-believer, secular rituals, such as packing up grandma's things or regularly visiting her grave, could help you resolve your grief and find comfort.^{[5]XResearch source}
3
Join a support group. A bereavement support group can help you and other family members come to terms with the loss. In the groups, you will be able to listen to and share your own feelings and stories with others who are also grieving. These support groups will provide coping resources for overcoming grief over the next several weeks and months after the death.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}^{[7]XResearch source}
- Many communities have free support groups for people who are grieving. These may be held in a local church, hospital, or hospice.^{[8]XExpert SourceKen Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga TherapistExpert Interview. 24 April 2020.}
4
Go see a grief counselor. If you find that you continue to heavily mourn the death and cannot function in your daily life, you may need to seek professional help. A grief or bereavement counselor can be effective with helping you process the loss of your grandmother and learn how to properly cope.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Grief counseling is especially useful if you're experiencing prolonged grief or if your grandmother's death was especially traumatic in some way.^{[10]XExpert SourceKen Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga TherapistExpert Interview. 24 April 2020.}

Part 3

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Moving Forward After Loss

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The best way to feel better after losing a loved one is to remember the good times that you shared. The times you laughed, did silly things together, whatever fond memories you have of the person who has passed away. It also may be helpful to revisit your memory box or book as time passes, so that you don't forget all the great times you had with your grandmother.
When we're mourning a loved one, it becomes easy to neglect ourselves in favor of lying in bed all day with a box of tissues. Try to get up and get outside to get some fresh air. Eat regular, balanced meals and aim for some physical activity a few times each week. Self-care activities also mean nurturing your body and spirit. Get a massage, take a relaxing bath with scented oils, meditate, write in your journal, or steal a few hours away to read a good book.^{[11]XResearch source}
^{[12]XResearch source} Concentrating on helping out others can help you process and move through your own grief. Try to be there for your parents and siblings when you are all going through this. One of your parents lost their mom, which is a terrible loss to bear. Remind them that you love them and offer to do small things that bring them comfort like making tea or lighting a fire.
4
Channel some part of her into your life. It can be gratifying to know that your grandmother lives on in your memories. You can continue to celebrate her life by picking up some activity or hobby of hers and making it your own. Consider learning to sew if she was really good at it, or take the time to make some of her traditional family recipes when you cook or bake.
- Try introducing someone special in your life to an activity you used to enjoy with your grandmother, like baking or doing a craft. That can be a way to celebrate her life while still moving forward.^{[13]XExpert SourceKen Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga TherapistExpert Interview. 24 April 2020.}
- You might also keep fresh flowers in the house or light a candle each day as a way to remember her.^{[14]XExpert SourceKen Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga TherapistExpert Interview. 24 April 2020.}
You may feel guilty for having fun or laughing after your grandmother's death. You might think it's disrespectful to her memory to be happy. That's not true. Hopefully, your grandmother lived a nice, full life and she would surely want the same for you. The grief process can feel very dark and bleak; don't be afraid to let a little light seep in by way of fun nights out with friends or board games with your family.^{[15]XResearch source}

Expert Q&A

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Question
How do you honor a deceased grandparent?
Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.
Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Answer
Consider keeping flowers or a candle in your home to honor your grandparent. Only burn the candle when you're able to watch it, however.
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Question
What are some sources of support for dealing with the loss of a grandparent?
Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.
Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Answer
Seek out a local support group, especially if your grandmother's death was fairly normal or natural. You can often find free resources through the group. However, you may want to work individually with a therapist if you're experiencing prolonged grief or acute distress, especially if there was an underlying trauma component to the death.
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Tips

If you don't feel like you can handle work and/or school right away, stay home. You may need time to mourn and recover, and it's normal and even expected.
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Being sad and angry or disappointed are an important part of the process of healing. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship.
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If you feel extreme sadness, anger or anxiety, talk to a trusted adult about your feelings. Just talking about your feelings can make you feel so much better, and the trusted adult can help comfort you and help you.
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Warnings

Be careful about saying to a child that someone died because he or she was old. The child may become fearful about losing other “old” people and may have distorted ideas of age.
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