How to Deal with Jealousy in an Open Relationship

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IN THIS ARTICLE

1Respect how you feel and cope in a healthy way.

2Distract yourself if you’re obsessing a bit.

3Change your environment for a fresh perspective.

4Interrogate yourself a bit to avoid spinning out of control.

5Do something to boost your self esteem.

6Stop comparing yourself to the other partner.

7Accept a tiny dose of healthy jealousy.

8Talk to your partner about the way you feel.

9Address obvious boundary violations directly.

10Revise the ground rules if they aren’t working.

11Investigate why you’re feeling jealous if this is new.

12Make sure your needs are being met.

13Request some occasional reassurance from your partner.

14Give it time and see if things improve.

15See a couple’s counselor together.

16Close your relationship if this was an experiment.

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If you’re in an open relationship (or polyamorous arrangement), feelings of jealousy can develop every now and then. While society makes it tempting to blame the non-monogamy here, it’s important to note that a dash of jealousy is normal (and healthy) in any relationship. Still, jealousy can be a deeply unpleasant feeling, and it makes sense that you’d want to get past this as fast as possible. As a result, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know about getting over jealous feelings in an open relationship—from quick tips in the heat of the moment, to long term strategies.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Chloe Carmichael, PhD. Check out the full interview here.

Steps

1

Respect how you feel and cope in a healthy way.

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1. 
   Acknowledge your emotions and do something soothing to relax. Say something like, “I am feeling jealous right now, and that’s okay” out loud. Then, take a deep breath and do something you find therapeutic. You could do some freewriting and just see where your mind takes you, go for a run, or jam some crayons into a piece of paper to illustrate how you feel inside.

   • It is absolutely 100% normal to be jealous every now and then. Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do.
   • It’s important not to ignore the fact that you’re jealous. Jealousy in any relationship is a totally normal feeling, but pretending that you aren’t jealous will just make the feeling that much harder to shake.
   • This is ideal if you’re jealous and you sort of understand that this is a temporary feeling that you’re experiencing. This isn’t a great long-term solution if you’re naturally prone to jealousy, though.
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2

Distract yourself if you’re obsessing a bit.

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1. 
   If you just can’t shake the feeling, work your way through it. Go out on a date of your own with one of your other partners, or call your best friend up and go out for a drink. If you want to be alone, make a super fancy meal, or watch a really engaging movie you’ve been waiting to see. If you can occupy your mind for a while, the feelings of jealousy should pass.

   • If you don’t have another partner and you’re kind of feeling a little jealous because your significant other does have someone else, this might be a good time to setup that online dating profile, or do some swiping on Tinder!

3

Change your environment for a fresh perspective.

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1. 
   Taking a step outside can dramatically change your headspace. Get off of your computer or phone, stand up, and get moving to shake yourself out of this funk. Get dressed and go on a walk somewhere. Being outside and moving a little bit will lower your stress levels, increase your sense of wellbeing, and give you some space to process whatever jealousy you’re feeling.

   • If you don’t want to go on a walk, at least do something around your home to get moving. You could cook an elaborate dinner, walk around in your yard, or clean up your home.
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4

Interrogate yourself a bit to avoid spinning out of control.

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1. 
   It often helps to poke holes in irrational feelings like jealousy. If you agreed to an open relationship, you might feel silly that you’re feeling jealous at all. The reality is that jealousy is totally normal—even if it isn’t particularly rational and you intuitively know you shouldn’t feel this way. It helps to remind yourself that your partner is with you, and throwing investigative questions at yourself can help you see that. You might ask questions like:

   • “Does Jason like Sarah way more than they like me? What evidence is there that this is true?”
   • “Is there any sign that Jason is unhappy in our relationship, or are things actually going well?”
   • “Do I have an overreactive imagination? Have I been jealous in the past without having a good reason?”
   • “Am I angry, scared, or anxious? Is it possible that my jealousy is coming from somewhere else?”

Quiz

How.com.vn Quiz: Do I Have Relationship Anxiety?

Do you ever feel worried or insecure about your relationship? Do you wonder if your partner actually doesn't care for you, even though they say do? Relationship anxiety has many underlying causes, including an anxious attachment style or a lack of self-esteem. This quiz can help you determine if you have relationship anxiety and address any anxious patterns.

1 of 12

Do you have trouble communicating your wants and needs to your partner?

No, I don’t. My partner and I are able to do that comfortably.

Rarely. Communication is important, but sometimes I feel like I’m asking too much.

Yes, there are times when I definitely hesitate. I just don’t like doing it.

All the time. I’m constantly worried about how my partner will react.

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5

Do something to boost your self esteem.

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1. 
   Engaging in something you’re good at can help you shake this feeling. Jealousy often stems from a feeling like we aren’t good enough. By doing something you are good at, you can often reaffirm yourself and improve the way you feel. If you’re imagining your partner has it in their head that you aren’t as good of a partner as this other person, this can be a phenomenal way to remind yourself that you actually are an impressive person who is valid and worthy of love.

   • If you’re a talented artist, write a new song, break out your art supplies, or just sing to yourself while you take a long shower.
   • If you’re athletic, you might go out with some friends and play some basketball, or hit the weight room and push yourself to break a personal record.
   • If you’re a great conversationalist, invite an old friend out to dinner and just talk their ear off! Reignite a friendship and spread the love.
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6

Stop comparing yourself to the other partner.

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1. 
   Remind yourself what makes you special and unique. Listing all of the things that make you you can reinvigorate the way you feel. Feelings of jealousy often develop when you imagine someone else has something we don’t, so if you’re worried you aren’t good enough, this is a great way to remind yourself that you are in no way replaceable. Your partner is actively choosing to be with you, so don’t worry about what some other guy or girl has going for them.

   • Think back on all of the compliments you’ve ever gotten. Remember positive comments on your physique, compliments you’ve received about your intellect, etc.
   • Look back at all of the photos you and your partner have taken together. Think back on your dates and late-night conversations. All of that was totally specific to you and your partner.
   • List all of the things you do that this other person doesn’t. You might include how much money you have, how much schooling you have, or how many friends you have.

7

Accept a tiny dose of healthy jealousy.

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1. 
   It’s actually very normal and productive to be a little jealous. If you’re jealous that your partner is hanging out with someone else, it’s a signal that you care about them. There’s nothing wrong with that. Couples in healthy, committed, and productive relationships are capable of getting jealous every now and then. If this is isn’t a regular problem, and you’re just a little uncomfortable right now because the jealous feeling is so strange, take a deep breath. This will pass and it’s not a sign that anything is wrong.

   • Do something in the moment to distract yourself, acknowledge the way you feel, and move on. Jealous feelings only matter if you think they matter, and it’s okay if you wake up tomorrow and feel perfectly fine.
   • Jealousy can be about ambition—a desire to be such a good partner that the other person has no need to go anywhere else. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be someone’s number one.
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8

Talk to your partner about the way you feel.

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1. 
   Regardless of why you feel jealous, it’s important to discuss it as a couple. Communication is important in a relationship, and it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong by feeling the way you feel. If jealousy is becoming an issue, talk to your partner about it! They may have no idea you feel this way, and discussing what you’re experiencing may give them the knowledge they need to change their behavior and help alleviate your fears.

   • You might ask them, “Hey, I know you’re not doing anything wrong, but I’ve been getting really jealous recently. Can we talk about it?”
   • From there, just explore what’s going on together. Discuss how each of you feel, and see if you can’t come to an understanding. These feelings can be complex, so don’t write anything off.
   • So long as you approach the conversation from a place of understanding and mutual respect, this shouldn’t be a combative conversation. All you’re doing is discussing a valid feeling.
   • Reader Poll: We asked 170 How.com.vn readers, and 85% of them agreed that the best way to build love and trust in your relationship is to be open and honest about your feelings. [Take Poll]

9

Address obvious boundary violations directly.

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1. 
   If your partner crossed an agreed-upon line, call it out. It’s tempting to let boundary violations go if you think there’s a risk your partner might be doing this on purpose, but open relationships need ground rules to work. If there’s an agreed-upon line that your partner has crossed, talk to them about it. You might say:

   • “Hey, I’d like to talk about how much time you’ve been spending dating around lately. I know we agreed to spend at least 5 nights a week together, and last week you went out 4 nights. Can we chat about it?”
   • “I know you’ve really enjoyed hanging out with Alex lately, but you missed our last 2 date nights. It’s been kind of hitting me hard. Can we stick with our normal schedule?”
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10

Revise the ground rules if they aren’t working.

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1. 
   It’s okay for the rules to change if that will help alleviate your feelings. The guidelines you and your partner create in an open relationship should only be fixed in stone if they’re working. If you’re experiencing jealousy regularly and it’s causing friction, change the rules of your relationship. Changing the boundaries themselves to be more flexible (or more concrete) may alleviate the feelings of jealousy you’re experiencing. You might ask:

   • “I know we have a rule set to spend every Saturday together, and I keep clearing my schedule for you. You cancelled twice last month to hang out with Melissa, which is totally fine, but it made me feel awful. Should we pick a different day for one another?”
   • “You know how we always check in with one another when we’re spending the night somewhere else? Is it okay if we amend that rule so we let each other know before 8 pm? I get really jealous and scared when you fire that text off after midnight.”

11

Investigate why you’re feeling jealous if this is new.

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1. 
   If you’ve never been in an open relationship, explore your feelings here. The experience of an open relationship is different from a monogamous relationship. Society has been telling you for that monogamy is “normal” for your entire life, and that you should be jealous if your partner is with someone else. Challenge this feeling of jealousy, ask yourself why you feel this way. Aim to combat whatever norms you’re feeling pressured by.

   • It’s very possible that you’re only jealous because you feel like you’re supposed to be jealous. Don’t let other people set the expectations for your personal relationships.
   • For many people in non-monogamous relationships, this uncomfortable feeling like you’re supposed to be jealous will totally go away after a while.
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12

Make sure your needs are being met.

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1. 
   Feelings of jealousy might indicate you aren’t getting what you need. If your partner isn’t paying attention to you, showing you enough love, or checking in often enough, you may get jealous because you feel them slipping away. If that’s a component of this, check in with your partner and talk to them about what you feel like you’re missing.

   • You might say, “Hey, I really want to talk about how much time you’re spending away from me. I really miss you, and I feel like I need a little more attention. I’m not mad or anything, but it is important to me. Can we talk about it?”
   • If you feel like you can’t trust your partner to begin with, that might be the key problem here. If it is, addressing the reason you feel like you can’t trust them is essential here. Whether they’re not being forward with you or you’re being a little paranoid, solving the underlying problem is key.

13

Request some occasional reassurance from your partner.

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1. 
   More affection can be a helpful reminder that you’re truly loved. If you’re the kind of person who has historically gotten a little jealous, you may just need more reminders that your partner cares about you—which is totally okay. Ask your partner to be a little more affectionate or attentive, and explain that you simply need a little more love. They shouldn’t take it the wrong way, and this may be all you need to get past the jealousy.

   • You might say, “I know I’ve been getting a little jealous lately, and it’s really silly, but I want to let you know that a big hug and ‘I love you’ every now and then really means a lot to me.”
   • If you know you trend towards jealousy because of past experiences or relationships, try to remind yourself that your current partner(s) are not your past partners. Every relationship is different.
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14

Give it time and see if things improve.

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1. 
   If this is a new relationship, the jealousy might go away on its own. It’s totally normal to experience feelings of jealousy when you’ve just started dating someone. These feelings often subside on their own as you slowly realize that your partner really does love you and isn’t going anywhere. If the relationship is fresh, just wait a few weeks. Your jealousy may dissipate entirely.

   • If you’ve ever been jealous when you started monogamous relationships in the past, the “open” component of this relationship probably isn’t a key factor in the way you’re feeling here.
   • Studies do seem to indicate that there probably isn’t a major difference between monogamous and consensual non-monogamous couples when it comes to feelings of jealousy. Don’t blame the openness here if it could just be “normal” jealousy.

15

See a couple’s counselor together.

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1. 
   If you’ve hit a rough patch, there’s nothing wrong with getting help. If you and your partner(s) have tried addressing this alone and it just isn’t hasn’t helped, there’s no shame in reaching out to a psychologist or counselor and getting some guidance. A professional will provide a neutral environment for you and your partner(s) to explore your feelings while giving you the tools you need to resolve your jealousy.

   • There are counselors out there who have experience with non-monogamy, so try to find someone who has worked with someone in open relationships before.
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16

Close your relationship if this was an experiment.

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1. 
   If you tried opening a relationship and the jealousy is a problem, it’s okay to close it. You are under no obligation as a couple to keep your relationship open if it isn’t working out. If you and your partner are struggling with some messy feelings, consider moving back to a monogamous arrangement. There’s no shame in it, and there’s no reason you and your partner can’t come out the other side of this stronger than ever.

   • Broaching this topic can be tough, and it can take a lot of time to process and work through what happened. You might start by asking, “Hey, I know we opened our relationship, and I’m not mad or anything, but I know we’ve both been having messy emotions. Can we explore changing our relationship together?”
   • It’s okay if you close a relationship. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t a slight against your relationship if it didn’t work out.

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