How to Cure a Heartache

Sometimes you will be deeply in love with someone, only to have them to stomp on your heart. Being rejected, whether through a break up or because they were not interested in you in the first place, can hurt as much as a physical injury. The healing process can take a little time, but it is a journey that you need to take.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Giving Yourself Space

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1
Allow yourself to grieve. Having your heart broken is painful. You cannot get around the fact that it is going to hurt. You have to give yourself time to feel the emotions associated with heartache. Your brain is telling you that you have been injured, so do not try to suppress those feelings.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- You will tend to cycle through many emotions; anger, pain, grief, anxiety, fear, acceptance. ^{[2]XResearch source} It can feel a bit like you are drowning at times, but you will find as you go through each cycle, that you deal with them more easily and more quickly.
- Avoid wallowing in despair. Let yourself cry. Crying is a good thing. There is, however, a fine line between giving yourself time to deal with your emotions and being completely overwhelmed by them. If you find you have not left your house in weeks, have not showered, and are not interested in anything, you should consider seeking professional help. Counseling or participating in some group therapy may be the answer.
2
Take it one day at a time. If you try to deal with all of your emotions and the fall-out from your heartache all at once, you are bound to overwhelm yourself. Instead, go from moment to moment and stay focused in the present.
- A good way to stay focused in the moment is to practice staying present. When you find your thoughts leaping ahead or straying into the past, stop yourself; physically stop yourself. Look around you; what do you see? What can you smell? What does the sky look like? What can you feel with your hands? Is there wind against your face?
- Get little things done. Sweep, clean, organize, sort. Menial chores like this help your mind focus on positive things rather than negative things. Television, books and movies are good therapy in small amounts, but they will not affect your sense of accomplishment like marking things off your To-Do List. As the small things get done, you can shift to bigger things like redecorating, rearranging, remodeling. When the bigger things get done, you will actually feel a boost your attitude and have a brighter outlook on life.
- Do not start in on a large project to distract yourself. Instead, just focus on dealing with your grief over the end of your relationship.
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3
Detach. When a relationship ends or you get rejected, you will probably feel like there is this great big hole inside of you. You may feel like a black hole wants to suck all happiness out of your life. A lot of people make the mistake of immediately trying to fill that hole, because they cannot stand the feeling. Yes, it is going to hurt and you are going to feel empty for a while. ^{[3]XResearch source}
- Give yourself space. Cut off contact with the other person. Delete them from your phone so you are not tempted to drunk text them. Hide or block them on social media so you do not end up cyber-stalking them at two in the morning. Do not ask mutual friends how they are and what they are up to. The cleaner the break, the easier it will be for you to heal.
- Do not try to immediately fill the hole left by them. This is one of the big mistakes that people make when it comes to curing heartache. Jumping into a new relationship, trying to avoid the pain and empty feeling left by the previous one, does not actually work. There is a term for that kind of relationship; a rebound. Work through your feelings, or they will come back later on.^{[4]XExpert SourceRebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct ProfessorExpert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
4
Talk about it. You need to make sure that you have a support system for dealing with your pain. A strong support system of friends and family, and even a therapist, can help get you on your feet faster than anything else. They are not filling that hole that the person you loved did. They are helping make it easier to deal with that emptiness. ^{[5]XExpert SourceRebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct ProfessorExpert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
- Have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to, especially at odd times of night. Try to find a couple of people who can help be the emotional support that the other person used to be. Ask your friend(s) if you can reach out to them when you get the urge to talk to your ex.
- Journaling can be incredibly helpful. Not only is it a good way to get your feelings out, especially if you don't want to over-burden your friends, but it is also a good way to check your progress. Whether you create an online journal, or put pen to paper and keep a notebook. You will be able to see when you started thinking about the heartache less, or when you start to become interested in dating again (really interested, not just "filling in the hole" interested).
- Sometimes you also might need to talk to a licensed therapist. There is nothing wrong with needing some professional help! Taking the steps to freeing yourself from this past relationship is what is important. A therapist can give you a completely unbiased opinion of your feelings and how to move on.
5
Get rid of any mementos. Hanging on to mementos is only going to slow down your recovery process.
- You do not need to ritually burn everything, especially if some items are still usable and could be given to someone who needed it. You do need to make sure it is out of your life. Depending on how the relationship ended, a ritual burning can release a lot of pent-up feelings.
- With each item, think of the memory you associate with it. Imagine putting that memory in a balloon full of helium. When you get rid of that item, imagine that balloon drifting away, never to trouble you again.
- Donating the physical items that are in good shape can be a great way to give closure and make you feel good. This way you can imagine the new memories that the items will make for someone else.
6
Help someone in need. Helping someone who is struggling with pain, especially a pain similar to yours, can help you forget yourself for a moment. It also means that you are taking time away from in grief and self-pity.
- Make time to listen and help with the troubles of your friends. Let them know the friendship is a two-way street. Let them know that they can always talk to you and get help from you if they need it.
- Do some volunteering. Work at a homeless shelter or a food bank. Offer your time to the Big Brother/Big Sisters program or something similar.
7
Allow yourself to fantasize. You are going to fantasize about that person coming back to you and telling you what a fool they were for letting you go. You are probably going to fantasize about being intimate with that person, about kissing them, and being close to them. That is totally normal.
- The more you try to shove away those fantasies, the more stuck they are going to be in your mind. When you are trying not to think about something, especially a self-imposed something, that is all you're going to think about.
- Focus your fantasies on things that do not inflame grief. Instead of dreaming about what the relationship could have been, imagine your ex doing good things for the community, or recommending you for a job. These constructive fantasies are much more possible, and far more helpful than imagining what could have been.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Starting the Healing Process

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1
Avoid things that trigger memories. Getting rid of mementos, as mentioned above, will help you avoid triggering memories. There are, however, other triggers that you should be mindful of. You are not going to always be able to avoid them, but doing your best not to seek out mental triggers will help you heal in the long run.
- Triggers can be anything from a song that was playing when you two started your relationship. Perhaps it will be the coffee shop where you spent so much time studying Latin together, or to even a smell that brings forth a memory.
- You may often encounter triggers. When you do, acknowledge the trigger and the memories it brings up, and then move on. Do not linger over the feelings and memories. For example, if you see a picture of the two of you when you are on Facebook, acknowledge the sadness and regret that you feel, turn your attention to something positive or neutral (like what you are wearing tomorrow, or the new kitty you are getting).
- Do not to try to avoid all triggers all the time. You cannot do that. What you need to try to do is minimize the things that will hurt you and be a reminder of the past. This way, you can get on with the healing process.
2
Use music to help the healing. It turns out that music can have a therapeutic effect on any mood, and it can most certainly help your healing process. Put on some feel-good, up-beat songs and dance, sing, and dust the blues away. Science has shown that listening to them can trigger the release of endorphins, lifting your spirits and combating stress.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Avoid sappy sad romantic songs. These will not trigger good chemicals in your brain. Instead, they will feed into your feelings of sadness and heartache.
- When you find yourself falling into a pit of sadness and anger, that's a good time to put on good tunes to help lift your spirits. Putting on dance music can couple the endorphins from listening to the music with endorphins from dancing.
3
Distract yourself. After you have gotten over the initial grieving process and dealt with your emotions, you should spend some time distracting yourself. Maybe you have some hobbies you have been ignoring. Perhaps you feel like doing some baking or working on crossword puzzles. When your memories of the your ex start to bubble up, distract yourself with another thought or activity.
- Call your friend. Reach out to the friend who said to call whenever you needed to. Read a book you have been meaning to get to for a while. Put on a funny movie (an added bonus, because laughter can help with the healing).
- The less you think about your ex and your heartache, the easier the healing process will be. It takes work! It takes a conscious and deliberate effort into actually redirecting your thinking and avoiding thinking about your heartache.
- Do not take too many "painkillers". This will only mask the pain. Sometimes you really just need to take a break from the physical pain. Be careful, however, that you do not abuse these numbing routines. In the beginning, you really do need to deal with your feelings. "Painkillers" can be things like alcohol or drugs, but it can also be things like watching obsessive amounts of t.v. or never getting off the internet, or binging on comfort food.
4
Change up your routine. Part of dealing with heartbreak is coping with a break in certain habits you have formed. By doing new things or changing how you do things, you will be paving the way for new habits. There will not be any room in this new life for the person who broke your heart.^{[7]XResearch source}
- You do not have to do make huge changes to help shake yourself out of your old routines. Simply do things like go to the farmer's market on Saturdays instead of lying in bed. Try out some new music, or learn a new hobby like quilting or karate.
- It is best not to do something really drastic, unless you have weighed all the pros and cons. Especially avoid doing something drastic in the beginning of the healing process. Once you are further along and you want to show that you are changing, then it is a better time to do something like get a tattoo or chop all your hair off.
- If you can, try to get a little time off, so you can go on vacation. Even taking a weekend and heading somewhere new can give you a new perspective on life.
5
Do not sabotage your healing. You are probably going to backslide, while on the road to healing. That is okay, it can be part of the process! There are some things that you can watch out for, to help keep that backsliding from setting you too far back.
- Be careful about the language that you use. When you use words like "terrible" or "awful" or "nightmare" you are going to be stuck viewing things through the negative. This will color your thoughts. If you cannot find the positive, then stick to neutral thoughts as much as possible. For example: instead of saying "This whole breakup is so horrible" say "This breakup has been really hard on me, but I am dealing my best to work through it."
- Do not put yourself in an embarrassing situation. Do not drive past your ex's house each night to see if they are dating someone new, do not drunk call or drunk text them. These things will make it harder to let go of the past.
- Remember that things change. People change, situations change. What you are feeling now is not what you are going to be feeling in a week, in a month, in a year. Eventually you will be able to look back on this time of your life without feeling physically ill.
Thinking about them will only lead you into a spiral of loneliness. Instead, occupy yourself with work or hobbies, even if you don't feel like it.
7
Try to meditate. Meditation brings a sense of clarity, and practicing mindfulness will only help you heal.
- If you're religious, talk to the divine. Vent your feelings out and talk to them.
You can use this as an opportunity to learn something new, do things that make you happier, spend time with your family and friends, and really focus on healing and growing.
The mere act of smiling can increase levels of hormones like dopamine and serotonin in the body. ^{[8]XResearch source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reaching Acceptance

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Let yourself feel how you want to feel. Regardless of how strong you are as a person, we're all human. It's okay to cry. Remember that your tears are not weaknesses in any sort of way.
2
Vent your feelings to a friend or someone you're close to. If you'd rather not, you can always talk to a plant, pet, or stuffed animal.
- You could try writing your feelings down to find clarity in your thoughts.TEARS are the ones proving that you ARE Strong and have a kind heart.
Regardless of whether they did anything to you, or vice versa, forgive. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean you forget, or accept being mistreated. Instead, forgive to free yourself from the thoughts that occupy your mind and keep you from achieving peace.
4
Avoid placing blame. Part of curing your heartache, of finding acceptance for how things happened, is to realize that blaming yourself or the other person simply is not useful. What happened happened and there is nothing you can do or say now to change that, so let the blame go.
- Try to feel some kindness towards them. Whatever they did or did not do, try to find some compassion for their issues, for what they are going through. It does not even mean you have to forgive them, but it does mean that you do not keep holding on to your anger at them.
- Likewise, do not place blame on yourself. Feel free to accept and deal with the things you did in the relationship that may have caused problems. Pledge to yourself to do better in the future. Just do not spend a lot of time agonizing over what went wrong.
5
Know when you are ready to move on. Everyone heals at a different pace. There is no set time period for healing from heartache, but there are some signs that you are getting to a healthier place.
- Stop wondering if it is them calling every time a number pops up on your phone that you do not recognize.
- You have stopped fantasizing about them coming to their senses and begging your forgiveness on bended knee.
- You do not identify so much with songs and movies about heartbreak. You are finding that you enjoy reading and listening to things that do not deal with relationships at all.
6
Find out who you are. One thing that tends to get left at the wayside in a relationship, and in the initial grieving stages, is who you are! For a long time it has been about you as part of a partnership or couple. Then it is you as someone grieving the end of that partnership.
- Work on personal growth, internal and external. Get into shape, or change your look. These things can truly help to boost your confidence, which has probably taken a hit. Figure out what areas of your inner self need work. For example: you might have a bad temper, that causes you to act passive aggressively. Therefore, you would need to work on finding healthier ways to express that anger.
- Develop what makes you unique. When you spend so much time with another person and dealing with the breakup fall-out, you tend to focus less on important aspects of yourself. Reconnect with people and activities you did not have time for when you were in this relationship and dealing with the breakup.
- Try out new things. This can help introduce you to different people, people who have never met the person who caused you such heartache. People outside your regular circle of friends. Learning new things will help to keep your mind off the heartbreak and on the present.
7
Avoid relapsing. Just as you do not want to sabotage your healing, you do not want to do things that make you relapse into the heartache. Sometimes you cannot avoid this, but you can minimize the risk.
- Do not let that person back into your life too soon, if at all. If you do, it can cause a resurgence of unhappiness and heartache. Sometimes being friends with an ex just is not possible.
- If you do relapse, do not panic. The work you have already done in getting over the heartache has not gone to waste. It will payoff. Do not give up. Everyone has to deal with setbacks, especially with this sort of thing.
8
Do things you enjoy. Doing things that make you happy or that you enjoy help to ramp up the dopamine levels in your brain. This is a chemical that helps with happiness and lowering stress (which heartache can ramp up to eleven).
- Do things that you do not associate with your ex. Try out new things, or do things that you stopped doing when the two of you were together.
- Learn to be happy. People are attracted to happy people, because happy people make them feel happy. While you will not feel happy all the time, work on doing things you do enjoy and living a life that makes you happy.
9
Give love. After a breakup and the long process of healing from heartache, you may find it difficult to open up to other people again. Do not allow what happened in the past to negatively affect what is in your present or in your future.
- Recognize that you might be hurt again if you open up, but that you should do it anyway. Closing yourself off is a surefire way to encourage issues with your health, both mental and physical. As well, it can sabotage future relationships and friendships if you stop trusting people. Learn to trust yourself.
10
Don’t be discouraged! It is important to remember that healing from heartache is a process. It will not happen right away. You will have setbacks, you will encounter problems, and you will feel a wide range of less than enjoyable emotions. After all, you did give a piece of your heart away. The pain is proof you are human, made with compassion and imperfections like the rest of us.
- Encourage yourself by celebrating the small victories. If you realize you have gone an entire day without thinking about your ex, celebrate that with a celebratory drink or a cookie.

Expert Q&A

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How do I stop emotional pain?
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Answer
Create a healing space for yourself. You need time and space to process your emotions and to grieve. When the heartache starts, try to find a quiet place to deal with the immediate tidal wave of emotions. This can mean going for a walk, going to your room, making yourself a cup of tea.
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Does the pain of heartbreak ever go away?
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Answer
Absolutely. As you process and work through your feelings, you'll eventually come to accept the heartbreak. You'll come out the other side feeling much better, so try not to get down about it.
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Is it better to distract yourself or face the pain?
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Answer
It's okay to do a little self-distraction, but you're going to be much better off if you face your feelings eventually. You don't have to do it right away, but it is healthy to work through it.
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A joke a day will keep you laughing and during times like these, even if it feels wrong, laughing will make you happy!
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Keep loving yourself even if it seems an impossible goal. In the long run, you will be a stronger person
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Helping other people often helps yourself. Give good advice and do not be negative.
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Warnings

Never hurt or try to hurt yourself due to lost love.
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Do not depend just on these tips. If things are worsening, you may want to consider getting professional help.
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