Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
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One of the most difficult things in relationships is a loss of trust. If you did something to hurt your friend, they may find it difficult to trust you again. While it will take a lot of hard work, it is possible to regain trust.[1] You will have to start by giving your friend space — they may need extra time to heal after trust is broken. Offer a sincere apology, and ask for forgiveness. If your friend accepts your apology, give it time. You will have to back up your words with actions and allow trust to slowly be reestablished over time.
Steps
Respect any requests for space. If you've hurt your friend, they may not want to immediately spend time with you. They may want some space initially. It's important to respect this if you want to eventually win your friend back over.[2]- Be understanding. If you hurt your friend, they may not be able to forgive immediately. Do not take it personally if your friend asks you to limit contact with them temporarily.
- The space can be valuable for both of you. Your friend can have a chance to cool down, and you can take the opportunity to reflect on what you did.
Reflect on your friend's needs. You will eventually want to apologize to your friend.[3] The most effective apologies focus on acknowledging the needs and feelings of those you've hurt. Spend the time to yourself reflecting on what your friend might need from you.[4]- Be completely open and honest about what happened.[5]
- Did you violate your friend's emotional needs? This may be how you lost their trust. For example, maybe you made a comment about your friend's weight. This is a sensitive topic for them, and he reacted poorly.
- What does your friend need from you to move forward? They probably need you to be more respectful and understanding in the future. They may also need you to understand which subjects are off limits for jokes.
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Gain an understanding of your behavior. It may help to understand why you behaved the way you did. If you did something to hurt your friend, there may be a reason for this. Spend some time reflecting on any factors that contributed to your behavior.- Ask yourself honestly why you lashed out. Were you feeling insecure or bad about yourself? Many people hurt others due to their own feelings on inadequacy.
- Once you understand your behavior better, think about how to change in the future. Maybe you lashed out at your friend because you have issues with your own weight. You could talk to a therapist about your body issues and try to treat your body better through healthy eating and exercise.
Write a letter. You can send this letter, if you want. You can also simply write it as a means to get your feelings out. When you apologize to your friend, having written out your thoughts may be helpful.[6]- Write a sincere letter expressing your remorse. Begin with something like, "I'm really sorry that I hurt you."
- You can try to offer an explanation; however, make it clear it's an explanation and not an excuse. You do not want to sound like you're justifying your behavior.
- You can send the letter out to your friend. You can also type the letter and email it. You can request to meet in person to apologize formally.
Acknowledge your mistake and apologize. The first step of a solid apology are the words, "I'm sorry." People need to hear this first. From there, acknowledge your mistakes. You want to make it clear you understand what you did wrong.[7]- For example, begin with something like, "I'm sorry. I completely take responsibility for messing up and hurting you."
- From there, explain what you did and why it was wrong. For example, "I never should have made that comment about your weight. It wasn't funny. It was insensitive and hurtful."
Express regret. Your friend will be more inclined to listen to your apology if you seem genuinely remorseful. Be direct about how bad you feel about your actions.[8]- This can be short and simple. For example, "I really regret being cruel and breaking your trust."
Empathize with your friend. You want to make it clear you understand. Your friend is more likely to trust you in the future if she feels you understand the consequences of your actions. Your friend will want to know you've learned your lesson and will not screw up again.[9]- You can say something like, "I can't imagine how hurt you must have been when you heard what I said."
- From there, once again take responsibility. For example, "I am so sorry I hurt you in this way, and put you all in a position where you felt betrayed. There's no excuse for my behavior."
- Be willing to allow your friend to to express how you hurt them. After an apology, your friend who was hurt may restate how it affected them as a way of making sure you truly understand how they feel. Be prepared for this: listen, try to understand, and, even if you have already said "I'm sorry," you may have to say it again.[10]
Request forgiveness. You want to end things on a good note, so ask your friend to give you a second chance. Things may not be normal again right away, and your friend may initially reject your apology; however, leave the door open for reestablishing trust in the future.[11]- Your request for forgiveness doesn't have to be long. You can simply say something like, "I'm sorry for having hurt you. I know it may take time, but I hope in the future we can be friends again."
Offer restitution. If you broke trust, your friend may expect you to make up for it in some way. You can offer a concrete means of repairing the damage when you apologize.[12]- Let your friend know if you have already done anything to make up for it. For example, "I made you this mix CD of apology songs, and I've been seeing a counselor about my own body image issues."
- You can also tell your friend what you may do in the future to repair things. Make sure your friend knows this will never happen again. For example, "I'm really making my own mental health a priority right now. I'm not going to stop seeing a counselor until I feel stable enough not to lash out at others."
Ask your friend what you can do. Your friend may set some boundaries with you and let you know what they will and will not accept in a friendship. They may also have some ideas about how you can begin retraining their trust. You can say something like, "I know it's hard for you to trust me right now. Is there anything I can do to show you I really mean it? Is there something I can do to begin earning your trust back?" They may have some specific steps you need to take in order to feel you can be trusted again, depending on what happened.- For instance, if you friend found out you were talking about them behind their back, they may want you to go speak with those people and tell them what you said was untrue, and that you were wrong to say those things to them.
Be there for your friend. Show your friend you're capable of loyalty. If they let you back into their life, work on being a good friend. You want to make sure you do not break their trust again.[13]- Be sensitive to your friend's worries and fears. Ask your friend how they're doing if they are going through a rough time. Offer to listen if they need to vent.
- Never judge your friend. If they express something, react with respect and interest. People are likely to trust those who do not tell them what to do.
Allow your friend to be angry at times. It's going to take time to reestablish trust. In the aftermath of an apology, do not be surprised if your friend is still mad. They may still be stung by what you did, and it make take some time for them to work through that.- Continually put yourself in your friend's shoes. If you feel frustrated by their inability to forgive you, think about how hurt you would be in their position.
Demonstrate you've changed through your actions. Actions often speak louder than words. After apologizing, try to show your friend how you have changed.[14]- Work on being a more trustworthy person. Keep your promises, do not talk behind people's backs, and be there for your friend emotionally.
Have patience. You can rebuild broken trust over time.[15] Be consistent and kind with your actions. Eventually, your friend should forgive you; however, do not expect this to happen overnight. It is difficult to trust people, and when trust is broken it can be tough to get it back. It may take many months before your friend completely forgives you.
Expert Q&A
- QuestionHow do you convince someone to trust you?
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPRebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
Clinical TherapistYou'll need to be patient. Rebuilding trust takes time. If you haven't already, apologize to the person and listen to anything they might need to say to you.
Tips
- Take it slow with your friend. It hurts after a fight or big misunderstanding when you want to go back to the happy place where you left off but you feel too awkward.Thanks
References
- ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424053111903999904576468143132143026
- ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201311/the-five-ingredients-effective-apology
- ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
- ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424053111903999904576468143132143026
- ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/10/trick-that-will-make-your-next-apology-better.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201311/the-five-ingredients-effective-apology
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201311/the-five-ingredients-effective-apology
- ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201311/the-five-ingredients-effective-apology
- ↑ http://www.writeexpress.com/How-to-apologize-to-a-friend.html
- ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/trust/
- ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/hennainam/2014/01/27/how-to-rebuild-trust/#3e15370c45b0
- ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.
About This Article
To convince your friend to trust you again, first you should apologize and acknowledge that you did something wrong since your friend will have a hard time forgiving you if you don't. You could say something like, "I'm sorry. I completely take responsibility for messing up and hurting you. I really regret breaking your trust." After you apologize, offer a concrete way of making it up to them to show you're committed to regaining their trust. For example, if you got angry and lashed out at them, you could tell them that you're taking steps to work on your anger issues. You can also ask your friend if there's anything specific they'd like you to do to make it up to them. As you're working on rebuilding trust with your friend, try to remember that it might take some time before they fully forgive you, and it's important that you give them space and let them be upset if that's what they need. For advice from our co-author, like how to write a sincere apology letter, keep reading.
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