Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. Dr. Elisha Goldstein is a Clinical Psychologist, Co-Founder of The Center for Mindful Living and Psychotherapy based in Los Angeles, California, and creator of the global therapeutic coaching program, Uncover the Power Within. With over 20 years of professional experience, Dr. Goldstein has been at the forefront of integrating curriculum and training for therapists, educators, parents, and business professionals in the art and science of mindful living. He is the author of five best-selling books including Uncovering Happiness, The Now Effect, A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook, and MBSR Everyday. Dr. Goldstein received his Ph.D. from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and his Bachelor's degree in Psychology from the University of California, San Diego.
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It can be tough when a friend cuts you cold and won't talk to you. While you can't make them stop this behavior, you can do your best to show them that you want to make amends for anything you've done or to clear up any misunderstandings.
Steps
Consider the possibility that you haven't done anything to provoke this silence. In some cases, people use silence as a means for breaking off a relationship because they lack the ability to explain their actions or preferences. If your friend has reached a decision, for whatever reason, that they don't want to carry on with the friendship, this might be an explanation as to why your friend has stopped talking to you. It's a harsh thing to realize but it might be the cause in some cases, a silent way of breaking a friendship.- Consider whether there is a new relationship in your friend's life. Sometimes a new boyfriend/girlfriend or a change in family members can cause a person to change their friendship priorities. It's not an excuse to go silent but it may be a reason behind the silence.
Ask your friend to talk with you about what's happened.[1] He or she may agree to discuss the matter with you openly and honestly. However, if your friend refuses to talk and continues to ignore you, realize that your friend has chosen to take this passive and immature approach to cutting you off rather than being truthful with you.Advertisement
Realize when it's healthier for you to let go.[2] After you've tried several times to talk to your friend to no avail, it's not likely that your friend is going to change this approach. A friend who continues to ignore is no friend and ceases to be worth your time. As much as this hurts, for your own sake, you'll need to start looking after yourself by realizing that the friendship is probably over.
Seek solace with other friends and family members whom you can trust. Perhaps some of them can shed light on why this person has treated you like this. But most of all, they'll be able to reassure and support you through what will be a sad time. Eventually there will be a new friend who is happy to talk to you.[3]- Put this down to experience. Sometimes people do things in life that you just can't fathom but it's down to their internal issues, not about who you are as a problem. Ultimately, it's their loss as much as it is yours.
Consider what you might have done to cause your friend to stop talking to you. If you had an argument, accused your friend of something or failed to support your friend when needed, then you are at least partially involved in whatever influenced your friend to go silent.- Consider whether you might have said something unkind, hurtful or thoughtless that encouraged your friend to feel a need to distance themselves from you.
- Listen to your gut. In some cases, it's not one thing but a series of little things that lead to a "last straw", when someone has finally had enough of excuses, bad attitude or broken promises. Is that possibly the case?
- Have you been a bit of a self-absorbed nuisance lately? In some cases, if you've been going through an "it's-all-about-me" phase, such as planning a wedding or going through something major in your life, your friend may have reached the endpoint of coping with your drama or neediness.
Apologize to your friend. Be honest about your actions and accept responsibility for hurting your friend and offer to make amends. Explain that you understand how they are hurt by what you did and that you're sorry.[4]- Reader Poll: We asked 298 How.com.vn readers who’ve argued with a loved one, and 61% of them agreed that the best way to show your commitment to rebuilding the relationship is by apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions. [Take Poll]
Allow your friend time to consider your apology. Don't push things, just let time heal your friend's feelings.[5] With luck, your friend will accept your apology and things will smooth over between the two of you. When things are back to normal, take care not to do the same thing again that caused the rift in the first place. If your friend doesn't want to talk to you still, see the solution offered at the end of the following part.- Tell your friend that you're happy to resume being friends whenever it feels like the right time for them. No pressure, no judgment.
- More help can be found in How to confront someone who is giving you the silent treatment.
Examples and Letter to Reach Out to a Friend
Community Q&A
- QuestionMy BFF and I had a small disagreement. I sent her an email proposing a solution, and she hasn't replied since she said, "Maybe we just need a break." I am really upset. What do I do?
Community AnswerAs hard as it is, the best thing to do in cases like this is to give that friend the break she suggested. It's scary to do that because you fear that time not talking or hanging out will lead to an irreversible disconnect, but that's not necessarily the case. Wait a few days, then reach out and ask again if you can talk and try to work things out. - QuestionMy best friend is ignoring me. He never texts me first and doesn't seem interested in talking to me. How can I make him appreciate me?
Community AnswerTry going up to him in person and and telling him how you feel. Maybe something's happened, or maybe he doesn't even realize he's doing it. Tell him how you're feeling and see if you can figure out how to move forward. He may just not be interested in remaining friends anymore, so be prepared for this possibility. - QuestionFor some reason my friend is completely not talking to me. Another friend told me that their mum doesn't want them to see me anymore. What should I do?
Community AnswerIf you can't get in touch with your friend directly, you should try contacting their mom, or if you'd be too nervous to do that, ask one of your parents to get in touch with their mom to ask what's going on.
Tips
- Don't confuse a friend stopping texts with a friend who stops talking to you. Stopping talking is a lot more serious than stopping texting. There may be a good reason why a friend can't be bothered to text you.Thanks
- Find out whether your friend has stopped talking to other mutual friends. In that case, they may be undergoing a major change and are making an attempt to distance themselves from your whole friendship group.Thanks
- Don't make a big deal of the silent treatment through social media. That will only make things ugly and your friend may simply keep ignoring you, causing you to look like the difficult one.Thanks
Tips from our Readers 
- Concentrate on the bigger picture: your career, aspirations, family and more. Don't let the toxic-ness consume you and stay strong. It can also help to take a break from social media; try locking your phone in a cabinet for a few days. Trust me, it will help you.
- If you think your friend isn't talking to you, it may not always be because something is wrong. If they look way more distant, tired, sad, or unfocused in classes, consider telling a teacher or a trusted adult.
Warnings
- Do not make your friend feel bad. You can't change what has happened between you and you definitely can't make them change their mind unless they want to.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201103/talk-about-your-problems-please
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-to-let-go-of-a-friendship/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_venting_your_feelings_actually_help
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201906/how-apologize-8-tips-keep-in-mind
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-past-and-hurt
About This Article
It can be really tough when a friend stops talking to you. If you think it’s because you did something to hurt your friend’s feelings, apologize to them and take responsibility for your part in what happened. Let them know that you won’t repeat your mistake and that the friendship is important to you. Give your friend time to consider your apology before they respond, and be respectful of their decision. It’s possible that they’ll forgive you, but there’s also a chance they won’t be ready to move on. If you don’t think you’ve done anything to cause a problem between you, reach out to your friend and ask them what happened. With a little honest communication, you might discover that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, or that their silence has nothing to do with you. If your friend continues to ignore you or won’t tell you what the problem is, you might need to take a break from the friendship or even move on. If this happens, take time to care for yourself and spend time with other supportive people in your life.
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