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This article was co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA. Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.
There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 177,470 times.
Most people do not like the idea of being controlled by someone else. However, when you are in a romantic relationship, you might feel the need to offer your male partner some guidance. "Controlling" him can mean helping him learn ways to better communicate and to make your relationship more healthy and positive.
Steps
Communicate effectively. Honest and open communication is one of the foundations of a healthy relationship. If you and your partner can effectively bond, you will find that it is easier to work together to solve problems. It will lessen your need to control him.[1]- Choose your timing. If you want to have an important conversation, choose a time that is good for both of you. Don't try to have a deep conversation right as he is walking in the door from work, for example, or if you know you have to leave for the gym in five minutes.
- Watch your body language. During important talks, try sitting side by side with your man. This makes you both feel equal, and is more effective than if one of you is standing over the other. You should also try to maintain eye contact, as that conveys trust and respect.
Spend quality time together. In the early stages of dating, the two of you probably had plenty of romantic dates. But as a relationship progresses, it can become easy to fall into a rut. Perhaps you're spending all of your time together watching tv rather than actually enjoying each other's company. Make sure to get some quality time together each week.[2]- Having alone time with your man is very important for your relationship. It helps you connect to each other as adults. Set aside some time each week that is just for the two of you--no kids, no friends, no one but you.
- Do activities that require you to interact. For example, try a fun activity such as bowling. This will help you relax and feel more comfortable with one another. If your man enjoys your company, you will need to worry about controlling him.
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Learn about each other. Of course your know your boyfriend or husband, but that doesn't mean that you know all of the important things about each other. The healthiest relationships are those where the couple makes a real effort to understand one another on a deeper level. During your quality time, make an effort to learn new things about each other.- The best way to get to know each other better is to ask questions. These questions can be as simple as saying, "How was your day?" The important part is that you both give detailed honest answers, and that you both actively listen to the other.
- You could also try asking more creative questions, such as "If you could be any character in a book ,who would you be?" These types of conversations will allow you to learn more about each other. The more you know, the more you will trust each other. You will be able to communicate instead of controlling.
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Describe your needs. If you can guide your man to behave in a way that is positive, it will become less and less necessary for you to feel the need to control him. All of us want a romantic partner who fulfills our needs. What we need to remember is that our needs are not always readily apparent. Try telling your partner exactly what you need from him.[3][4]- Try saying something like, "I am having a frustrating day. I really just need to vent right now. Can you please just listen quietly for a few minutes?"
- Maybe you feel like your man is not making enough time for you. Instead of yelling, maybe you could try saying, "I know you're really busy lately. Could we schedule a time for us to go to a movie together?" By explaining what you need, you are more likely to get it.
Make relationship rules. Even though you are both adults, your relationship could likely benefit from some ground rules. Work on these together, and make sure that you both agree to stick to the guidelines you are creating. For example, if it is important to you that you two never go to bed angry, make that one of your relationship rules.[5]- If you feel like you need to control your man's actions, try setting some guidelines in advance. For example, ask that he only spends one or two nights away from home with his buddies. He'll appreciate that you are flexible, and you'll know when you can count on him to be home.
- You can also set some rules about how to communicate with one another. For example, if you aren't morning people, you can agree never to discuss a serious subject before you've had your coffee.
Set boundaries. Setting boundaries is a very effective way to guide your man towards the behavior you'd like him to show. The first step in setting boundaries is to acknowledge your own feelings. This will help you figure out what is important to you in the relationship. You'll be better able to articulate your needs.[6]- For example, maybe your boyfriend is constantly borrowing money from you. This might make you uncomfortable, especially if he doesn't pay it back in a timely manner. Set boundaries that dictate exactly when and how much he can borrow. Also indicate that it should be paid back.
- Make it clear that crossing boundaries will impact your relationship. Articulate that these boundaries are important to you, and you will be unhappy if they are not observed.
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Be more socially connected. There are many proven benefits to being part of a healthy, loving relationship. When you have a partner, you will automatically feel more socially connected to the world. You will have a built-in person to talk to about movies, work, current events, or anything else that is on your mind. This helps you feel more in tune with the world around you.[7]- Being socially connected can help you feel more confident and happy. The connection deepens if you live with your long-term romantic partner.
Feel more secure. Being in a healthy relationships means that you have a deeper sense of security. For instance, you know that you have someone to celebrate with when you get a big promotion. You also know that you have someone to comfort you when your long-tme pet passes away. Feeling secure is crucial to your emotional well-being.[8]- Research shows that being in a long-term relationship has great benefits on a woman's mental health. The sense of security you get is a large part of that.
Improve your health. You will also get physical benefits from being in a loving relationship. People in happy relationships tend to have less stress. Low stress rates mean that you are less likely to have high blood pressure, heart problems, or symptoms of depression.[9]- People in long-term relationships also benefit from having regular sex. Sex can help improve your mood, and also decreases your stress levels.
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Community Q&A
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- QuestionHow can I know if he really cares about me?
Community AnswerIf he cares about you, he will treat you well. He will trust, honor, and respect you, keep no secrets, and tell no lies. - QuestionHow will I know if a man is obssessed with me?
Community AnswerIf he's obsessed he will try to get in contact with you as soon as possible early in the day, and will wish to remain in communication every single hour of it, wanting to know where you are and what are you doing, and insisting on seeing each other in person, so that he can have some control over you. - QuestionHow do I feel secure when he goes out?
SocialmasterCommunity AnswerMake sure you know what he's doing. If he says he's just going out with friends, just let him go out with friends. He's innocent until proven guilty.
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Tips
- Avoid trying to physically control someone. Violence is never a good idea.Thanks
- If your partner is not fulfilling your needs, consider moving on from the relationship.Thanks
- Do not pressure him. Avoid making him feel like he can't breathe.Thanks
Tips from our Readers 
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of How.com.vn readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on How.com.vn, please submit it in the field below.
- Remember, people can be all kinds of ways. What makes a difference is that you try every day to stay connected bring out his best feelings and reactions.
- Try not to be shy. Instead, put effort into the relationship to get his attention.
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References
- ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
- ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
- ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
- ↑ http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/how-to-respectfully-effectively-communicate-with-men/
- ↑ http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/communication-advice
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-steps-to-setting-boundaries-in-relationships_b_6142248.html
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/relationships-marriage-and-health
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201504/5-hidden-benefits-being-in-long-term-relationship
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/14/relationship-health-benefits-significant-other_n_2602397.html
About This Article
Relationship Coach
This article was co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA. Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009. This article has been viewed 177,470 times.
Co-authors: 20
Updated: March 6, 2023
Views: 177,470
Categories: Maintaining Relationships | Married Life
Article SummaryX
Although trying to fully control your man isn’t healthy, there are a few ways you can nudge him in the right direction. Keep him updated with how you feel and encourage him to share his feelings too. That way, you’ll be able to anticipate each other’s needs and support each other better. If you need something that your boyfriend hasn’t caught onto, it’s OK to let him know. For example, say something like, “I’ve had a really tough day and I just need a little emotional support right now.” You can also agree to boundaries to make sure you’re both on the same page. For instance, if your boyfriend often goes out with his friends, ask that he doesn't go out more than twice a week so you have time for each other. For more advice, including how to stay connected with your boyfriend, read on!
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Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 177,470 times.
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