How to Make Compromises in a Healthy Relationship (And Why It’s Important)

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Work together on a solution that makes you & your partner happy

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• What is a compromise?
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• Making Healthy Compromises
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• Examples
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• Benefits
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• Tips

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Are you and your partner not quite seeing eye to eye when you have a disagreement? Rather than thinking it's your way or the highway, a compromise can help you both get something you want while you're building a life together. Even if you have different perspectives on the situation, we can help you work toward a compromise and maintain your strong connection as a couple. Keep reading, and we'll cover what a healthy compromise looks like and where you can make them in your relationship.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, founder of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

• Take turns explaining what you need from the solution and what boundaries you have that are non-negotiable.
• Come to a solution where you meet in the middle, like one person cooking and the other cleaning, or alternating who chooses an activity each night.
• Be flexible by both giving up a few things that you want without sacrificing your overall needs and values.

Steps

Section 1 of 4:

What is compromise in a relationship?

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1. 
   Compromising is finding ways to meet in the middle on a disagreement. You and your partner each have different points of view and needs, so it’s okay if you don’t agree on an issue. Coming to a compromise means you and your partner acknowledge those differences and find a solution without giving up your individual values. While you both may have to sacrifice some smaller things you wanted, you’re still working together toward solving the problem.

   • Compromises show that your relationship is more important than being right or getting your own way, and it makes you feel more like a team rather than individuals.
   • Disagreements and compromises are a normal part of every relationship. It’s rare that you’ll both agree on all the same things, so compromises help you feel like both your needs are met.
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Section 2 of 4:

Making Healthy Compromises

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   Voice your own needs and priorities. When a disagreement or issue comes up, take a second to pause and think about what you want from the outcome. As soon as you’ve collected your thoughts, tell your partner your needs clearly so they know what will make you satisfied with the solution you eventually decide on.

   • Use “I” statements when you’re talking about your feelings to avoid making your partner feel like they’re at fault. For example, rather than saying, “You always make me clean up after dinner,” reframe it as, “I feel upset when I have to clean up after dinner every night.”
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   Tell your partner your non-negotiable boundaries. If there’s something you absolutely don’t feel comfortable with, put your needs first and set the boundaries with your partner near the start of your discussion. Be open and honest with your partner, and use a firm tone of voice to let them know what actions you’re not okay with to ensure you don’t compromise any of your core values.

   • Example: If you’re not comfortable with public displays of affection with your partner, tell them directly, like, “I don’t feel comfortable with kissing in public, and would like a little more personal space.”
   • Try framing your boundary as a change you want to see rather than saying what you don’t want. Rather than saying, “I don’t want to eat alone every night,” you might try, “I want to have a family dinner once a week.”
   • Your partner may ask for an explanation of your boundaries, but don’t feel like you owe them a reason. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, they should respect any boundary you set.
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   Listen to your partner’s needs without interruption. After you finish explaining your perspective, give your partner a chance to share their wants, needs, and boundaries with you. Actively listen to them by getting rid of any distractions and giving them your full attention. Step into their shoes and try to focus on how they’re feeling so you understand where they’re coming from.

   • If your partner is uncomfortable opening up, encourage them and let them know this is a safe space to vent about how they’re feeling. Hold their hand or give them a warm smile so you look really receptive to what they have to say.
   • Avoid cutting in while they’re talking or getting defensive if they say something that upsets you. It’s okay if you still disagree, but your partner’s needs are valid and they deserve your respect.
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   Discuss a solution that works for both of you. Now that you know each other’s needs and boundaries, brainstorm out loud to come up with potential ways to fix the issue. Look for ways to meet in the middle so you both get something that you want while sacrificing some of the less important aspects. Be open to what your partner suggests, but don’t be afraid to speak up if they offer a solution that you’re not comfortable with.

   • Example: If you want to stay in for the night but your partner wants to go out, a compromise might be going out for a couple of hours but making sure you’re back home by 10 PM.
   • Example: If you like the thermostat set a little warmer but your partner likes it set cooler, find a temperature in between as your compromise.
   • Compromising is all about give and take. You may not get everything you want from the situation, but remember your partner is making sacrifices for you too.
   • Make sure that the sacrifices you make feel balanced so it doesn’t feel like you’re giving up more than your partner. If you tend to sacrifice more of your wants, the compromise may feel one-sided rather than you both coming to a solution together.
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   Check in with your partner regularly to adjust compromises as needed. Set aside a little time each day to openly talk about how you’re feeling with your partner. Let them know about any changes you have to your needs, wants, or expectations from the relationship to ensure the compromise still aligns with them. If there have been changes, then work together to make adjustments for a new solution.

   • Example: If you made a compromise to have a family dinner 1 night a week but you received a promotion that requires you to work more, the new solution may be having an hour of family time before doing individual hobbies.
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Section 3 of 4:

Common Areas for Compromise

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   Chores It’s unfair to expect one person to clean up at home, so determine a way to split up the housework. One person may cook dinner while the other person does the dishes after, or you may vacuum your bedroom while the other person tidies up the living room. Alternatively, you could compromise and do all the chores one week and have your partner do them the following week.
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   Intimacy Whether it’s how much public display of affection you prefer or how often you sleep together, there are lots of areas to compromise in your sex life. You may compromise on certain days or times when you’re intimate with each other to meet both of your needs, or you may agree on trying different things in the bedroom to help satisfy your partner even if it doesn’t turn you on.
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   Finances If you and your partner have different habits with money, come to a compromise on how much you spend and what expenses you share. You may agree to split the cost of bills and groceries, or you may compromise to cover one utility bill if your partner pays for another.

   • This is especially important if you share a bank account or only have a single income since you’re sharing each other’s money.
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   Hobbies Don’t feel like you have to give up the things you love to do just to spend time with your partner. If you have a hobby you’re really passionate about, make a compromise for times when you can fully dive into your hobby without interruption. If you and your partner like to do different things for fun, you may even compromise to alternate doing activities with each other.

   • Sticking with your hobbies and interests lets you pursue your passions, grow as an individual, and develop self-love, so avoid ever stopping them completely as part of your compromises.
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   Time with friends and family You absolutely should stay in touch with your friends and family, but make sure you’re also making time to spend with your partner and grow your relationship. You may compromise to going out on a date night together once a month, or being home to eat dinner together once or twice a week.

   • If you’re in a serious relationship, you may compromise about alternating between seeing your family and your partner’s family during holidays.
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   Travel If you like more laid-back vacations by the beach but your partner likes filling their trips with activities, you may need to compromise whenever you travel. You may decide to alternate vacation destinations so each person experiences what they want, or you may compromise to do 1–2 activities during the day and have a relaxing evening.
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   Caretaking If you’re the one taking care of your children, it may not feel like you’re getting the support you need from your partner. You may compromise childcare duties by taking over for your partner once you get home from work, or by offering to help them with homework while your partner cooks a family dinner.
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Section 4 of 4:

Why is compromise important?

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   Compromises make you and your partner feel more fulfilled. Since you’re working together to meet both of your needs, your relationship will feel a lot stronger. Rather than just doing what one person wants, you’ll stay true to your sense of self and grow as an individual all while you’re building an open and communicative relationship.
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   Compromises prevent resentment from building up. If you only do the things your partner wants and sacrifice what you love to do, you might feel like your partner is taking advantage of you rather than coming to a decision together. When you talk through a compromise and find a solution that works well, you acknowledge the issues that arise and you both feel heard.
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Tips

• Approach your conversations with a positive attitude that’s focused on finding a solution. If you come in with a negative mindset, it may be tougher to work through whatever issue you’re having.
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• It’s normal if you and your partner aren’t always on the same page when it comes to compromises. As long as you’re trying to engage and find a solution together, you’ll grow even closer with your partner.
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Warnings

• Avoid sacrificing your own happiness just to make your partner happy since it can lower your self-esteem and make you neglect your personal needs. Before you agree to a compromise, ask yourself if it goes against your values and find a new solution if it does.
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