How to Build Confidence (for Teen Girls)

Being a teenager is tough. Your body is changing as you are trying to figure out who you are. At the same time, you are being bombarded with different messages about how you should look and how you should be. All of these changes make it difficult to be confident in yourself. Luckily, there are many things you can do to improve your confidence.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Focusing on Your Strengths

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1
Write down your talents, skills, and good qualities. It is easy to focus on the things that you do not like about yourself or the areas that need improvement.^{[1]XExpert SourceAmy Wong
Leadership & Transformational CoachExpert Interview. 30 April 2020.} When you focus on the negative, you forget about all the other wonderful attributes you have. It is important that you acknowledge the things that you are good at and make time to do those things.
- Examples of good qualities you may have include being smart, funny, kind, generous, creative, loving, caring, etc.
- Talents and skills you may have include being an athlete, dancer, musician, writer, artist, poet, singer, volunteer, etc.
- How much time do you spend doing these any of these activities? How will you make these activities part of your everyday life?
2
Challenge yourself to do more. A lack of confidence can stop you from trying something new or doing something that you enjoy. What would you do if you had more confidence? What is stopping you from doing it?^{[2]XResearch source}
- Write down the following sentence, "If I had more confidence, I would..."
- What type of support or encouragement would you need to try this? How would you feel if you actually tried this?
- For example, maybe you are a good writer and would like to work on your skills. However, you are not confident enough to write for your school newspaper. You may write, "If I had more confidence, I would join my my school newspaper. I know that I am a solid writer, but I am afraid of other people reading my work. If I joined the newspaper, I would become a better writer and make new friends."
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3
Stop comparing yourself to other people. Every person has strengths and weaknesses. These are different for each and every girl. When you compare yourself, you are often comparing a weakness you have to someone else's strength. If you continue to do this, you will never feel good about yourself.^{[3]XResearch source}
- When you find yourself comparing yourself to another person, direct your attention back to yourself. Remind yourself that you are unique and have your own strengths and talents.
- Go back and read the list of positive attributes, talents, and skills that you made. It may help to post the list by your bed or on your bathroom mirror.
4
Set goals for yourself. There may be areas that you would like to improve upon or things you would like to accomplish. When you achieve things, you prove to yourself that you can meet expectations. Setting a goal and achieving it can help build your confidence.
- Write down your goal and then write down steps you can actually take to achieve it. Your goals and the steps you take should be realistic. Setting a goal that you are unable to reach may backfire and make you feel worse.
- For example, if you want to start running, running a 5k is a better goal than running a half-marathon. Trying to go from not running very often to running a half marathon is a huge jump, and you are setting yourself up for failure. A 5k is very realistic, and you can find a couch to 5k running program to help you set your daily and weekly goals.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Practicing Positive Self-Talk

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1
Recognize negative thought patterns. The way that you think about yourself affects your confidence levels. If you constantly say negative things about yourself, you will begin to believe them. These thoughts are often more damaging than the things that other people may say to you.
- When you begin to feel anxious, sad, depressed, angry, or upset, stop and reflect on the thoughts you are currently having.^{[4]XExpert SourceAmy Wong
  Leadership & Transformational CoachExpert Interview. 30 April 2020.}^{[5]XResearch source}
- You can also wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap the rubber band each time you have a negative thought.
2
Question your negative thoughts. Instead of accepting the negative thoughts you have about yourself, challenge them. For example, If you ever tell yourself, "I can't do anything right," or "Nobody likes me," challenge those thoughts instead of believing that those things are true.^{[6]XExpert SourceAmy Wong
Leadership & Transformational CoachExpert Interview. 30 April 2020.} Ask yourself some of the following questions to determine if your thoughts are true.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Why do I feel the way I do?
- What do I think about myself in this very moment?
- What is the evidence for and against my thinking?
- Can I find out if my thoughts are really true?
- How else can I look at this situation?
- Will this matter in 5 years?
- Does this way of thinking help me achieve my goals?
- Can I learn anything from this situation?
3
Counteract your negative thoughts. Once you recognize a negative thought, you must replace it with a more positive, realistic thought. This may be difficult at first. However, the more you do it, the more positive your thoughts will become.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Instead of saying, "I flunked my test. I am a complete failure," say, "I didn't do great on this test, but I can prepare better next time. I will ask my teacher for some extra help. I know I can do this."
- Instead of saying, "That guy doesn't like me. I must be ugly or a loser, " say, "That hurts my feelings that he doesn't like me, but that doesn't mean that no one else likes me. I'm a great girl. I will be able to find someone else who is interested in me."
4
Be kind to yourself. You are probably harder on yourself than you are to your friends and family. Accept that you will not always get things right, and you will make mistakes. That is part of being human.^{[9]XResearch source}
- If you make a mistake or go through a hard time, ask yourself what you would tell your friend. Now apply that same kindness and compassion to yourself.
- For example, if you friend did poorly on a test or lost something important, would you tell your friend how stupid or forgetful they were? If your friend did not make the volleyball team, would you tell your friend that they were a loser and should have never tried out in the first place?
- You would probably try to encourage your friend and do something fun to take their mind of off things. You might also give your friend some study tips or help them find the item that is lost.
5
Use self-affirmations. Positive self-affirmations are a proactive way you can fill your mind with positive thoughts. You can say them in your head, write them down, or say them out loud. Choose 3 to 5 affirmations and say them when you wake up in the morning and before you go to bed. Here are some affirmations you may want to try:^{[10]XResearch source}
- "I love myself completely"
- "I will embrace my flaws because nobody is perfect."
- "I am confident, and I can achieve my goals."
- "Beauty comes in many different shapes, sizes, and colors."
- I am good enough."

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Improving Your Body Image

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1
Avoid looking at the media. Have you ever seen a beautiful woman in a magazine or on television and wished you looked like her? Do you compare what you see in the media to what you see in the mirror? The more you view these images, the more critical you will be of yourself. Try to ban or at least limit the media that you are consuming. ^{[11]XResearch source}
- When you do look at these images, remind yourself that those women have been photo-shopped and manipulated to look a certain way. You may not even recognize those women if you saw them in real life.
- Try to find positive images in the media that do not focus on how women look. You may find profiles of women who are being praised for their talents, skills, and abilities.
2
Focus on the things you like about your body. Your body is going through a lot of changes, and you may not like all of them. However, try to point out the things you like about your body (e.g. your hair, your teeth, your hands, etc.) instead of everything that is wrong with it. Be proud of the things that your body can do as well..^{[12]XResearch source}
- For example, if you are an athlete, focus on how strong your body is and how it allows you to play your sport.
- If you are a musician, focus on how your hands allow you to play an instrument well.
- You may not be able to change your body, but you you can change the way you feel about your body.
3
Do not say negative things about your body. Negative self-talk about your body can really hurt your confidence. Try to counter any negative thoughts you have about your body with something more objective. Would you criticize your friend's body the same way you criticize your own body?^{[13]XResearch source}
- Instead of saying "my arms are huge and ugly," say, "my arms could use a little work."
- Also avoid talking negatively about other girls' bodies.
4
Take pride in your appearance. Treating your body well from the inside out can help you feel more confident about your looks. Exercising regularly, eating a healthy, well-balanced diet, and wearing clothes that you feel good in can improve your body image. Your appearance is one of the many things that makes you who you are.
- Exercising is also a good way to boost your feel good hormones and improve your mood.
- Accept the things you cannot change about your body such as your eye color, height, shape, or skin color.

Expert Q&A

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Question
How can I gain more confidence?
Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.
Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Expert Answer
Whenever you have a negative thought, challenge why you're feeling bad about it.
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Question
What can I do to help increase my daughter's confidence?
Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.
Amy Wong
Leadership & Transformational Coach
Expert Answer
Help them come up with a list of accomplishments or things they're proud of so you can show them the positive things they've done.
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Tips

Your confidence can change day by day. You will feel better some days than other days. It is completely normal.
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Instead of shutting out negative thoughts and what you dislike about yourself that cannot be changed e.g your height, accept yourself for who you are.
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A confident girl exudes charm and beauty, no matter how she looks. Show your personality, be who you are.
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