How to End a Relationship with Someone Who Loves You

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End a relationship respectfully with our expert-approved advice

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• Deciding to Break Up
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• Doing the Deed
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• Moving On
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• Video
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• Expert Q&A

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Ending even a casual relationship can be stressful. However, approaching a breakup of a more serious relationship, particularly one involving the “L-word,” can leave you wanting to hide behind a couch for a week. If someone loves you, breaking up with them may cause you to feel guilty and ashamed. You may worry about whether you are making a mistake or wonder how you could be so selfish. Though ending a relationship is never fun, you can survive breaking up with someone who loves and cares for you by taking the time to seriously consider your decision, handling the discussion in a mature way, and caring for yourself after the breakup.

Things You Should Know

• Write a list of all the points you want to cover in your breakup. Then, ask a trusted friend to role-play the breakup to rehearse what you want to say.
• Studies have found that breakups are least painful when the person ending the relationship is kind, honest, and positive about their time with the other person.
• Respect your partner’s feelings and their need for answers by being straightforward about your reasons for ending the relationship.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Deciding to Break Up

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1. 
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   Use decision-making strategies. When you are faced with a serious problem, such as whether or not to break up with someone, it can be helpful to use a decision-making process. This will help you to take stock of all of your options and analyze each one before deciding. To make your decision in a structured way, you may want to:

   • Write a detailed definition the problem. Why do you want to break up with the person? Is it because of something that happened between the two of you? Or is it because of how you feel?
   • Make a list of your options. Is breaking up the only option? Or do you think there is potential for you and your significant other to work things out? If you are determined to break up with the person, then what are your options for breaking up?
   • Consider your options. Which option is most likely to bring about the best result? Think about what the risks and benefits of each of the options you have listed might be.
   • Choose and follow through. After you have analyzed each option, you can choose the one that you think will provide the best results. Then, put your plan into action. Make sure to reflect on the outcome of your decision and consider how you might improve your approach in the future.
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   Avoid making a rash decision. Take enough time to think your decision through, and carefully weigh your reasons for wanting to break up. Make sure your decision is based on logic, not stress or anger. Once you pin down the exact reasons you’re leaving the relationship, you’ll have an easier time following through and defending your choice to your boyfriend or girlfriend.

   • If your relationship is physically or emotionally abusive, you never need to feel guilty about breaking it off. You deserve safety and respect in your relationships.
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   Address feelings of guilt. It’s only natural to feel guilty when you’re breaking up with someone who cares about you, but don’t let your guilt keep you in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

   • Delaying a breakup might be easier in the short term. But, in the long term, dragging a relationship out wastes everyone’s time and will hurt your partner more in the end.
4. 
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   Get the advice of someone you trust. If you’re uncertain about whether breaking up is the right thing to do, an outside opinion can help shed some light on the situation. Ask someone who cares about you for an objective opinion on your relationship.

   • Use your judgment when asking for advice. Choose someone who will keep your business private. You don’t want your partner to find out about the breakup from somebody else before they hear it from you.
   • You might bring up the subject by saying “Hey, sis, I wanted to talk to you about something. I love John and he loves me, but we seem to have grown apart. I don’t know what to do…”
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   Listen to your gut. We have gut instincts for a reason. Your subconscious mind often picks up on more information than your conscious mind does, leading to feelings and intuitions you can’t explain. If you just can’t shake the sense that it’s time to break up, it’s probably best to heed your instincts.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Doing the Deed

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1. 
   1
   Schedule a time to talk. Once you’re certain that you want to break up, it’s best to get it over with as soon as possible. Don’t drag a dying relationship out unnecessarily. Getting the difficult conversation out of the way will put you on the path to recovery faster and save your partner from getting more invested in the relationship than they already are.

   • Don’t spring “the talk” on your partner without any warning. Say something like, “I need to talk to you about something important. Can we meet up tomorrow evening?”
   • Do not break up via phone, text, or email unless you are concerned for your safety. Breaking up in person is much more considerate and respectful to your partner.
2. 
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   Prepare for what you’ll say. Write out a list of all the points you want to cover if you’re afraid of forgetting something. Ask a trusted friend to role-play the breakup with you so you can rehearse what you want to say out loud.

   • Breakups usually bring intense emotions to the surface for both people. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may get angry, cry, or try to talk you out of breaking up. Decide ahead of time how you will handle each of these responses, and practice staying firm in the face of these reactions while role-playing with your friend.
3. 
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   Use “I” statements. Throughout the conversation, frame things in terms of how you feel and what you need. Avoid blaming your boyfriend or girlfriend for the breakup. This will take some of the sting out of your message and make it harder for them to argue with you.

   • For instance, don’t say, “You don’t make me a priority in your life.” Instead, try saying something like, “I need a partner who makes time for me, and I don’t feel like you do that.”
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   Avoid clichés. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will probably feel confused and hurt when you tell them you want to break up, and empty platitudes will only add insult to injury. Respect your partner’s feelings and their need for answers, and be straightforward about your reasons for ending the relationship.

   • Resist the temptation to express your sorrow with a cliché like “It’s not you, it’s me” or something similar. Just say what you mean as directly as possible.
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   Answer any questions honestly, but gently. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will probably have some questions for you, especially if they didn’t see the breakup coming. Don’t lie about anything just to preserve their feelings, but put an optimistic spin on the breakup if you can.

   • Studies have found that breakups are least painful when the person ending the relationship is kind, honest, and positive about the time they have spent with the other person.
   • Emphasize ways the breakup benefits both of you. For instance, you might tell your partner, "I think I would be happier if I dated someone whose personality is more compatible with my own."
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving On

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1. 
   1
   Cut all ties with your ex. Staying in contact with your ex will only keep feelings alive and prolong the heartache for both of you. Avoid going places you might run into them, delete their number from your phone, and resist the urge to look at their social media accounts. If you have any of their belongings, return them – preferably through a mutual friend – or get rid of them.

   • Even if you want to stay friends with your ex, remember that you both need time and distance to heal after a breakup. Be respectful of your ex’s feelings and give them space to move on after the relationship ends.
   • Unfollowing or unfriending your ex on social media may also be a good option to reduce your reminders of them.
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   Maintain your routine. After a breakup, it’s common to feel sad, stressed, and uncertain about the future. It might be tempting to call in sick at work and wallow in your feelings, but you’ll actually feel better if you stay busy and don’t skip your regular activities. Sticking to a routine can help preserve your sense of normalcy.

   • If you don’t know what to do with yourself, try picking up a new hobby or joining a gym. Sometimes post-breakup pain can be a catalyst for personal development.
3. 
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   Lean on others for emotional support. You may have just ended one relationship, but don’t forget about all the other relationships in your life. Family and friends can be a source of strength and comfort while you’re working through the emotional fallout of a breakup.

   • Don’t hesitate to call up a friend or spend extra time around your loved ones if you’re feeling down. Simply say to a loved one, “I know it was for the best, but I don’t want to be alone right now. Do you want to come over and watch a movie?”
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   Be emotionally ready before getting involved with someone new. It’s usually not a good idea to get into a rebound relationship while your emotions are still raw. Instead, focus on healing and becoming the best version of yourself you can.

   • If you have any unresolved issues that played a part in your last breakup, work on addressing those before you re-enter the dating world. Becoming emotionally healthy will help you attract a better relationship in the future.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How do you move on when you're still in love?

  

  Elvina Lui, MFT
  Relationship Expert

  Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.

  

  Elvina Lui, MFT

  Relationship Expert

  Expert Answer

  Make a list of the things you need in a relationship before you start a new one, like loyalty, adventure, and trust. When you're ready to start dating again, keep this list in mind.

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