How to Be a Good Girlfriend as a Teen

If you’re super into the person you’re seeing, that’s great! You’ll probably want to be the best girlfriend you can be in order to make the relationship last and to keep it fun for both of you. Being a good girlfriend means knowing how to be a good partner and communicate; it’s not just about buying the person gifts and flattering them.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Choosing the Right Person

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1
Make sure you’re equally mature. This can be a tough one when you’re a teenager. Everyone around you is in the process of maturing, and you’re probably all doing so at different rates. Even so, do your best to pick someone who seems to be at a similar place on that journey as you are. It will ultimately make things easier.^{[1]XResearch source}
- A good way to know if you’re equally mature is to notice how comfortable you feel around this person and how easy they are to talk to.
- Do you find yourself feeling annoyed by them because they’re immature or because they're condescending and elitist? In both cases, you may be at different levels of maturity.
- Some people like to say that, “age is just a number.” That’s sometimes true, but age can also be a helpful indicator when you’re trying to tell if a relationship will work out.
2
Share interests. Sharing interests is an important way that people in romantic relationships connect. Of course, you don’t need to have everything in common or like all of the same things, but if you enjoy similar activities, you’ll always be able to find fun things to do together.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Meeting someone through an activity you enjoy can make for a great relationship. You could meet a potential partner in a club, student government, or an extracurricular activity.
- Similar values or backgrounds can also bring you together. For example, a person who loves sports can still be with a person who loves art if they both have similar religious or spiritual practices.
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3
Look for someone with self-awareness. This one can be tough when you’re a teen, since not everyone is going to be mature enough to have self-awareness. Self-awareness means that a person has some conscientiousness about their behavior and their effect on others. They’re able to look at themselves honestly and critically and make changes, if needed.^{[3]XResearch source}
- A person with self-awareness will have some patience and self-control. They won’t try to rush you or the relationship before you’re ready.
- Self-awareness helps a person be a better partner because they can see how their actions affect you and the relationship.
4
Choose someone who is respectful. It is important that you find a partner who is respectful and avoid those who might be manipulative or abusive. Early relationships are all about learning, and this is a good time to set your boundaries and understand your rights in a partnership. Abusive people can be very charming, so it's important you learn to look past what a person says and really look at their behavior and how they treat you.
- Common characteristics of abusers include: extremes in behavior and mood, overly protective and controlling, rigid ideas about gender roles, inflexible and judgmental, intense and codependent, and a tendency to bottle up emotions.
- If you notice these signs from a person, then they're not someone you should get involved with. As much as you may like them, or feel like they're just misunderstood, this is not a healthy dynamic.
- Set boundaries about what you will and will not accept in a relationship and stick to them. If the person you're interested in knowingly violates these boundaries and chooses not to respect them, then you should end the relationship.
5
Take it slow.^{[4]XExpert SourceConnell Barrett
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 24 September 2019.} When you meet someone you’re super excited about, you may want to dive right into a relationship with them. That can be thrilling in the moment, but you may get hurt if the relationship crashes and burns.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Let yourself date for a while before deciding to officially be this person’s girlfriend. If they press the issue, you can be honest.
- Say something like, “I really like you, which is why I want to take things slowly. I want to make sure that if I’m going to be your girlfriend, I can be a great girlfriend.”
- You can also say something like, “I really like you, but I'm just not sure if I want to be your girlfriend just yet. I'd like to get to know you a little better if you're really interested.” if that’s how you feel.

Part 2

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Treating your Partner Well

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Learn to compromise. Both you and your partner are going to have to do some compromising for the relationship to work. Figure out what’s important to you and communicate about that. Keep in mind, however, that it’s important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy compromises.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For example, if dance is important to you, you could say: “Dance is important to me, and it would mean a lot if you could come to my recitals.”
- You should do the same for your partner in return by supporting their hobbies. If they attend your dance recitals, then cheer them on during their sports game.
- You may have to compromise on dates. For example, you could see his choice of movie, but then go to the restaurant that you want.
2
Stay faithful. This one is crucial for a healthy relationship. If you’ve committed to being someone’s girlfriend, that generally means that you’ve committed to being romantic only with them until you break up. Avoid flirting or otherwise being romantic with other people.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Some people prefer open relationships where it’s okay to be romantic or sexual with more than one person. This takes a lot of maturity and communication from all parties. Never assume a relationship is open without talking about it first.
- Though flirting with someone else is not technically cheating, it can make some people jealous. Avoid doing this in front of your partner out of respect.
- If you find yourself tempted to cheat, you may not be ready for a relationship, or this may not be the right person for you right now.
3
Keep the friendship intact. If you like someone enough to be their girlfriend, you hopefully like them enough to be their friend, too. Friends know how to have fun together and support each other. Keep those things at the center of your relationship, even though it’s now romantic.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Ask your partner how their day was. Check in with them when they’re sick or struggling. Send them cute notes and make sure they know you care.
- Keep doing things you enjoy together. Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean that you have to spend all of your time making out.
4
Suggest fun date ideas.^{[9]XExpert SourceConnell Barrett
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 24 September 2019.} Don’t assume your partner will have all of the great date ideas. Show that you’re invested in the relationship and in staying active together by coming up with fun things you can do together.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Classic dates include movies, dinner, sporting events, and concerts.
- You can also go for fun outdoor dates like hikes, bike rides, or a walk in the park or a swim in a nearby lake or river.
- Volunteer somewhere together, such as at a soup kitchen or community event.
- Sign up to run or walk a local 5K together.
5
Support each other. A big reason many people seek out partners is for the companionship and support they offer. Being a good girlfriend means being a support for your partner during good times and bad.^{[11]XResearch source}
- If your partner isn’t feeling well or is having a hard time, send them a note or a card. Let them know you’re thinking about them and ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
- If you don’t live near your partner or you don’t go to school together, send them messages to let them know you miss them and are thinking about them.
- Offer to help when help is needed. They may need help studying for a test, putting up posters for their student government campaign, or setting up for a party.

Part 3

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Behaving in Public

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Maintain your individuality. You probably know couples that seem so into each other that they do absolutely everything together. While this may seem like total bliss, it’s actually usually not very healthy. In a healthy relationship, each person maintains their own sense of self, even when they do things together.^{[12]XResearch source}
- It’s great to be willing to try things that your partner is into, but make sure you’re honest about your level of interest. Also, be sure to keep up with your own interests as well.
- You should both still spend time doing things on your own or with your own friends.^{[13]XExpert SourceConnell Barrett
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 24 September 2019.} That’s perfectly healthy. As they say, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
2
Keep private matters off of social media. Sometimes, something will happen in your relationship and you’ll just want to vent or gush to the whole world; however, remember that things that end up on social media can be seen by tons of people, sometimes forever.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Even if you want to let the world know how wonderful and sweet your partner is, tone it down. They might get embarrassed or have seen the gesture as something private.
- Likewise, if you had a big fight or they did something that upset you, don't tell the whole world about that, too. That could make things even worse.
3
Refrain from gossip. Refraining from gossip means that you don’t listen to gossip or start it yourself. Gossip can mean telling people private things about your partner that other people wouldn’t know. It can also mean listening to things people tell you about them.^{[15]XResearch source}
- If you hear something about your partner or your relationship that’s news to you, ask them about it before engaging in gossip or believing what someone else tells you.
- If you want to share something from your relationship with friends, ask your partner about it first, as it could be private. If they’ve said something like, “This is just between us,” then it's definitely not something you should share.

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Question
I'm dating a shorter (like, a foot shorter) guy, what about that?
Community Answer
People come in all shapes and sizes, but what is important is how you feel when you’re with him. Do you feel safe, protected, and cared for? Does he makes you laugh, show he cares, and make you feel beautiful? These are the things that matter in a relationship. Physical attributes change with time and who he is as a person is much more important. If you think the height difference makes him uncomfortable, let him know that he is your man because he treats you like a queen and that you’re not interested in his ability to reach the highest shelf in the kitchen.
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How do you stop him from being depressed?
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You can't stop someone from being depressed, but you can offer support, companionship, and encouragement to seek treatment. Spend time with him, show empathy, and ask him how he is doing. If your boyfriend had mentioned thinking about suicide, that means it’s time to get him help even if he says he is "ok" or doesn’t want anyone to know. Tell a parent, a trusted teacher, or a school counselor who can help him through his struggle with depression.
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I have a boyfriend in middle school and my friends say that he is getting me a really good present but I still have no clue what to get him. Help!?!?
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Just because he's getting you a present, that doesn't mean you have to get him one. Be gracious and thankful when he gives you a present. Then, when you have a great idea for the perfect gift for him, surprise him with it.
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Tips

If it’s time to break up, be honest about your feelings, but know that you’ll have other relationships in your life that will be meaningful as well.^{[16]XExpert SourceConnell Barrett
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 24 September 2019.}
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Always be yourself. Remember that your partner likes and appreciates you for who you are. That’s why you’re together!
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Warnings

Being a good girlfriend never means getting more physically intimate than you’re ready for, or engaging in sexual behavior when you don’t want to. If you feel that you’re being pressured to have sex or be intimate, you need to talk to your partner to address that right away.
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Sex and sexuality are parts of romantic relationships. Physical intimacy can be very exciting but can also result in difficult feelings, the spread of STIs, and even pregnancy. Make sure to communicate clearly and consistently when the subject of sex comes up, and always use protection, such as condoms.
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