How to Deal with a Crazy Wife

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What it means when your wife or spouse is acting suspiciously and how to move forward

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• Signs of Erratic Behavior
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• Common Triggers
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• What to Do Next
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• Expert Interview
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• Tips
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• Warnings

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If your wife has been acting a little “off” lately, don’t dismiss it as something silly to write off. A sudden change in behavior could be a sign that she’s dealing with something serious or even sick. What it normally is not is a sign that she’s mad at you, so take the boxing gloves off when you broach the subject. To show you how to handle this, we worked with Kelli Miller, a psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and couples therapy, to get the inside scoop on what to do.

Handling Your Wife’s Crazy Behavior

It’s important to differentiate between run-of-the-mill frustration causing some strange behavior and the kind of radical shift that might be triggered by mental or neurological illness. In any case, talk to your wife about your concerns in a calm and reasonable tone. Then, you can either give her the space she needs, work together to solve your relationship woes, or seek the help she needs.

Steps

Section 1 of 3:

Signs of Erratic Behavior

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   Any sudden change in normal behavior is worth noting. Nobody knows your wife like you do. What counts as “crazy” matters much less than how she normally behaves. If she’s normally an upbeat early riser and now she’s sleeping till noon and barely getting through the day, it’s a big deal. The inverse is equally concerning. Look out for anything out of character. Common signs include:

   • She’s acting irritable and aggressive.
   • She’s become more controlling than she normally is.
   • She’s overly critical of you and your decisions.
   • She’s experiencing mood swings, outbursts, trouble sleeping, or depression.
   • She abruptly changes her appearance or stops doing things she used to enjoy.
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Section 2 of 3:

Common Triggers

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   Mundane stress If your wife seems like she’s more on edge than normal, the odds are extremely high that it’s something simple that has nothing to do with you. If she has been burning the midnight oil at work, that probably explains why her claws have been coming out at home. Other potential explanations include:

   • Issues with her parents. If there’s something going on with her side of the family tree, she may just not be letting you in because she wants to compartmentalize everything.
   • A friend who is being especially annoying. If she has some interpersonal drama, she’s probably not trying to bring it into her home life.
   • She’s worried about some big date coming up. If she has a huge performance review next month or you two are waiting on pregnancy test results or something, she may just be on edge.
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   Midlife crisis The midlife crisis often rears its ugly head between 40 and 60. People often go through a depressive period where they confront their own mortality, worry that they’re missing out on something, or get depressed that they aren’t far enough in life.

   • Luckily, people overcome their midlife crisis all the time. You can help by talking to her about it and keeping things fresh.
   • She may be having a quarter-life crisis. This is common among 25- to 30-year-olds who worry that their youth is gone.
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   Problems with the relationship It is entirely possible that she’s being a little more curt and aggressive with you because she’s mad at you. If you two recently got into a quarrel, she’s probably just processing how she feels and figuring out if she’s ready to move on.

   • If you suspect this is the case, give her space until she cools off a little bit and then try to approach the problem in a healthy and productive way.
   • So long as nobody is putting their hands on one another and nobody is being abusive, it’s okay! Couples fight sometimes.
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   Hormonal changes If she’s 35-45, she may be experiencing perimenopause, which can cause some mood swings as her estrogen levels decrease. She could be hormonal due to her menstrual cycle, or be experiencing a hormonal storm if she’s pregnant. In any case, hormones can totally cause some intense reactions.

   • Pro tip for the fellas: never write off your wife’s feelings because she’s “being hormonal.” Even if it’s true that she’s going through a rough hormonal period, her feelings are still true and valid.
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   Mental issues If your wife is struggling with anxiety or depression, it can cause all kinds of strange behaviors that won’t make sense to you. Alternatively, if she has undiagnosed OCD, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder it could manifest as a sudden change in personality.

   • Talk to your wife’s doctor if you suspect she might be mentally ill. You can even take her under the guise of a standard checkup if you get the sense she’s resistant to considering the possibility of mental issues.
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   Trauma If your wife has been in a car crash or something like that, she may be acting out as she’s sorting through the drama of the experience. Alternatively, if she has been in therapy to deal with childhood trauma, she may be lashing out as she fights to confront the painful memories.
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   Neurological issues Sudden changes in behavior that you might mistake for “crazy” could be a symptom of an underlying condition. Alzheimer’s, for example, will often start manifesting with hallucinations or delusions that would strike you as strange.

   • If she’s having any kind of motor-related issues associated with the behavior changes, see a doctor sooner rather than later.
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Do Next

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   Talk to your wife about your concerns. Wait for a day or week when your wife’s strange behavior has cooled off a bit and things are going okay. Then, try talking to her about your worries. Professional psychotherapist Kelli Miller suggests checking in with something like, “I may be reading this wrong, but You look upset. Are you okay? Or did I do something to upset you? Just to make sure that all the signals are correct, and you're not reading something wrong?”

   • Even if someone is being crazy, straight up saying, “You’re being crazy,” is never going to help anything. Approach the convo empathetically and with care.
   • Use “I” language. Instead of saying, “You’ve changed,” say, “I’ve noticed things feel kind of off and I’m worried about you.”
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   Listen to her express herself. Once you’ve broached the conversation, let her steer the ship. Maintain eye contact, nod, and just let her share how she feels (even if it doesn’t sound great in the moment). This way, you two can confront the problem as a couple in a warm, respectful environment.

   • If she won’t open up but seems like something really is bothering her, remind her that it’s okay.
   • If she refuses to acknowledge that anything is going on and she insists she’s fine, just let it go. You can’t force someone to open up if they aren’t ready.
   • If she seems confused by your question and her behavior has been really strange lately, suggest checking in with a doctor.
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   Give her space if she’s just dealing with something minor. If she’s been acting differently because of something going on at work or in her other relationships, just give her room. Offer to help, but let her deal with the problem if she just wants to deal with it alone. Try not to take it personally if she brings her claws out when she’s mad about something else.

   • Married couples occasionally let out frustrations on their partners subconsciously just because their wife or husband is always around (and can handle the jabs). Don’t take it to heart if she assures you that everything is fine between you two.
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   Step away when things get heated. If things get messy (either during the talk or after it), take breaks. As psychotherapist Kelli Miller puts it, “If you or your partner feel like you're getting to that anger level, like let's say it's one to 10, 10 being the highest when you're about a 6 or 7, I'm a huge proponent of taking that timeout and just sort of saying, “Hey, I'm really getting charged or heated right now I'm going to take a walk and then I'll come back.”

   • Nothing was ever solved by yelling at your significant other, so when things are getting gnarly, it’s a sign it’s time to take a step back and reorient yourselves.
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   Try to make her life easier in whatever way you can. If your wife is struggling with illness, trauma, or even just having a tough time at work, go out of your way to help make life easier. Pick up more of the household chores, set reminders on your phone for key things she might forget, and just be her biggest fan. She’ll appreciate the support.

   • This will also take some of the heat off of you if she’s unfairly taking her frustration out by sending it your way. It’s hard to be too angry at a guy doing the laundry and cooking dinner for her.
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   Seek help if she’s open to it and needs support. Whether it’s mental disorders, neurological problems, or anxiety, help your wife get the help she needs. Take her to the doctor’s office, research potential therapists, and work with your health insurance provider to help minimize the odds of any kind of financial surprises.

   • It’s difficult enough for your wife to be dealing with something hard and scary, so if she’s resistant to getting help, don’t get angry. Just take it slow, encourage baby steps, and let her know you aren’t going to abandon her.
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   Contact friends and family members if she needs additional motivation. If your wife really needs help but she’s not open (or able) to get it, reach out to your friends and family members. Bring them into the loop. Maybe her mom, best friend, or first cousin have the right words to convince her she needs treatment. If they can’t get things moving, at least they’ll be able to support you as you try.
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Tips

• You can learn a lot just by paying attention to your wife’s body language. Kelli Miller is a licensed psychotherapist. She explains, “Some people are very quiet when they're really angry. So, if there's kind of this sudden shift in energy, you may want to look at their body language. A lot of times, people cross their arms, they maybe have more closed-off energy versus open energy, so they’re not willing to talk.”
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• If she has always been a little “kooky” and you’re just noticing now, don’t worry about it. Try to enjoy your wife for all of her quirks!
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Warnings

• If your wife is being actively abusive, don’t hesitate to leave and get as much space as you can.
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