Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by John Keegan. John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
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If a guy expresses interest in you, and you don’t like him back, you can feel like you’re stuck in a difficult situation. You don’t want to lead him on, but you don’t want to hurt his feelings either. The best way to solve the problem is to have a conversation with him about it. During the conversation, you need to be perfectly honest with him about the way that you feel.
Steps
Know that he likes you. If you don’t absolutely know that he likes you, don’t act upon it. You may ruin a friendship based on rumors that other people have told you or an assumption that you’ve made because you think he likes you. There are some tell-tale signs that he is truly into you.[1]- He consistently asks you out.
- He persistently tries for body contact.
- He persists on hanging one-on-one.
Don’t procrastinate. The longer you wait, the worse it’ll be. His feelings will grow and it will be impossible to maintain any kind of friendship after you tell him the truth.[2]Advertisement
Don’t avoid him forever. You can pretend all you want that he’ll “get the hint” if you simply avoid him. Well, he won’t. You need to find a time to talk to him. Make it a time when it’s only the two of you, so that he doesn’t get embarrassed in front of a group of people.
Make a plan. Write down what you’re going to say before you say it. If you fumble over your words, you’ll make the conversation longer, more awkward, and a worse time than it needs to be. In your plan, you should have some points about why you aren’t interested in him. Don’t attack him with reasons he’s gross—just be honest about why you’re not into him.[3]- You can’t seem to move on from your ex-boyfriend.
- You just aren’t physically attracted to him.
- You like someone else.
Talk over the phone. If you have a conversation on the phone or over text, you can still implement all of these into your conversation. The most important part when doing that is being ultimate. Make sure he knows that there is no future chance for the relationship.
Acknowledge the seriousness. You need to let him know that you want to have a serious conversation. This way, he takes what you’re saying to heart. If you don’t take the time to do this, he may not understand the level of importance of the talk.[4]
Be nice. Let him down easy. Add a compliment or two into your talk but convey to him that it’s not enough.- “You’re a great friend, but we can’t be together.”
- “You’ll make someone very happy, but it’s not going to be me.”
- "You're great and have a lot to offer, but I don't think we're a good match based on our values."[5]
- "I think you're an amazing guy, but I think we want different things. Are you open to being friends?"[6]
Give him your “back-off” message. Even after giving him the reasons you’re not into him, he may not fully understand. Deliver your official “back-off” message after you’ve told him your reasons.- “We won’t have a romantic relationship.”
- “We can stay friends if you’re going to keep it at friendship.”
- “There isn’t the right chemistry between us.”
- "I think you're a great guy; however, I feel that we connect better as friends rather than romantically."[7]
Assure him that your feelings aren’t going to change. If you don’t tell him flat out that your feelings aren’t going to change, he might hope for it. Don’t let him leave with any questions of you having romantic feelings for him in the future. Set some ground rules for your friendship (if there is still going to be one).[8]
Be honest. Let him ask some questions if he wants to and answer the honestly. There’s no sense in protecting his feelings with lies: tell him the truth. This will help him move on more quickly.[9]
Be willing to listen. Rehearsing the conversation in your head helps, but can also hurt you by creating preconceptions in your head about how it will go. Rather than attacking him with your thoughts, sit across from him and hear what he has to say so that he will listen to what you have to say.[10]
Agree to end the conversation. To ensure that he’s gotten your point fully, ask him what he thinks about it all. Stand your ground and don’t leave the conversation without him understanding that you don’t like him. Don’t leave without clarity.[11]
Be polite. Just because you told him that you don’t like him doesn’t mean you have to ignore him or be rude. Don’t think of him as weak or broken because of your choice. He’ll move past it, so treat him like a human being. Don't just ignore him forever.[12]
Give him space. Don’t go out of your way to see if he’s doing alright. If you run into him, be cordial, but don’t reach out to him outside of that. Rejection hurts, and if you’re constantly reminding him about it, he’ll constantly be hurting. This could eventually lead to self-esteem issues, anger, or even aggression—you don’t want to be at fault for that.[13]
Don’t lead him on. If he decides that he can stay friends with you after having the conversation, make sure to set a clear line of appropriateness. This can be in a separate discussion if either of you need time to think about it. Having this discussion will help both of you put some closure on the previous one.- Discuss if it’s ok to comment on how one another looks.
- Talk about if physical contact (hugs, holding hands, etc.) is still appropriate.
Community Q&A
- QuestionI told him I didn't like him, and he hurt himself! I feel like it's my fault. What do I do?
Community AnswerTo be absolutely clear, him hurting himself is not and never will be your fault. Even if he says it's your fault that he hurt himself, it's not, because you're not in control of his actions--that's all on him. Tell an adult, like your parents, a teacher or your school counselor that he hurt himself, and let them help him. In the meantime, talk to an adult you trust about how you feel. You're allowed to turn others down for any reason, and they have no right to make you feel guilty or responsible for how they react.
Video
Tips
- Don’t be surprised if he gets angry or defensive. It’s not easy to take rejection.Thanks
- Before you have officially decided to tell this person you don't feel the same way, make sure you to don't really like him or her in any romantic way, only as friends.Thanks
- If you feel uncomfortable approaching the person, write a letter, but be open to questions and ensure it is clear you don't like him.Thanks
References
- ↑ http://www.today.com/health/18-body-language-clues-say-hes-interested-definitely-I283709/
- ↑ http://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-when-someone-asks-you-out
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/
- ↑ http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/How-to-Have-a-Hard-Conversation-in-Seven-Steps
- ↑ [v161898_b01]. 19 August 2021.
- ↑ [v161898_b01]. 19 August 2021.
- ↑ [v161898_b01]. 19 August 2021.
- ↑ http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/How-to-Have-a-Hard-Conversation-in-Seven-Steps
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/How-to-Have-a-Hard-Conversation-in-Seven-Steps
- ↑ http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/How-to-Have-a-Hard-Conversation-in-Seven-Steps
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/10-habits-of-remarkably-polite-people.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection
About This Article
To tell a guy you don’t like him, act as soon as possible, since waiting will just allow his feelings for you to grow. When you talk to him, find a place where you can be alone, since telling him in a group may be embarrassing for him. If you’re worried about what to say, make a plan ahead of time. For example, you could say something simple and honest like “You’re a great friend, but we can’t be together.” Avoid making excuses or saying that you’re into someone else, since this might lead him to believe your feelings may change. If he won’t let it go, be honest and tell him you can’t be friends, if he keeps trying to pursue you. To learn how to give him space after letting him down, read on.
Reader Success Stories
"He was my friend for over a year, and when we were talking, I sent him a picture describing me in relationships, and he starts talking about his crush. I ask who she is, and he says he does not want to scare her away, and tells me he'll send a pic of her. I got excited, because she sounded amazing. He sends me a pic of ME that I sent a few days earlier. I politely turned him down, telling him he is only a friend, and I could only think of him this way. We are still friends!"..." more
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