How to Tell Someone They Messed Up

Fixing your own mistake is easy, but how do you tell someone else that they’ve messed up? It might not be your favorite thing, but if you’ve caught an employee’s mistake or you notice that a coworker has missed something, it’s important to call it out right away. Fortunately, it’s totally possible to tell someone about their mistake in a constructive way. In this article, we’ll tell you the best tips and tricks you can use when pointing out someone’s blunder to avoid embarrassing them or causing an argument.

1

Stay calm.

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Getting worked up probably won’t help fix any mistakes. It’s easy to feel angry or upset when someone messes up, but try to keep your cool. If you need to, take a few minutes to calm down before you talk to someone about what happened.^{[1]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Take some deep breaths, count to 10, and lower your stress levels for a more productive conversation.^{[2]XResearch source}
- This is especially important if you’re in a workplace setting. Flying off the handle isn’t professional, and you want your coworkers or employees to see how well you handle a slip-up.

2

Start the conversation with a positive.

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Get the conversation going on the right foot. When you first approach someone who has messed up, tell them something good about their work ethic, their performance, or their behavior.^{[3]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} That way, the impact is slightly lessened when you bring up the thing that they did wrong. You could say:^{[4]XResearch source}
- “Hey Mark! I really appreciate you getting those reports on my desk so quickly.”
- “Allison, it’s good to see you. You’re always so punctual, and I’m really grateful for that.”

3

Bring up the mistake with curiosity.

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Curiosity opens up a conversation rather than a confrontation. When you bring up the mistake that was made, phrase it in a way where you’re simply gathering information, not blaming or shaming anyone. That way, the other person has a chance to explain themselves, and you can understand their motivations a little better. Try something like:^{[5]XResearch source}
- “I’m a little curious as to why you didn’t include the statistics in your latest report.”
- “Would you mind explaining why this client’s account is closed?”

4

Be straightforward about the mistake.

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Beating around the bush tends to make things confusing. After you’ve brought up the mistake, spell it out clearly so there’s no confusion. Try not to be mean or rude about it, and just state the facts—that way, everyone’s on the same page.^{[6]XResearch source}
- “It looks like the numbers from last quarter were not included in this report, which skewed all the data.”
- “Since the reports were turned in late, we lost a large client.”

5

Criticize the mistake, not the person.

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Don’t make the other person feel bad about themselves. Everyone makes mistakes, so you don’t need to tell someone that they’re a terrible employee or a bad coworker. Focus on what happened, not the other person’s work ethic or intelligence.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Instead of saying, “If you didn’t rush so much, you would have caught this,” try, “I think that some errors were left in, which made our company look a little sloppy.”
- Instead of saying, “You need to be more personable and friendly,” try, “By using different phrases and a kinder tone, you can make your clients feel more at ease.”

6

Ask why or how the mistake was made.

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Give the other person a chance to explain. If you know how the mistake was made, you can try to prevent it from happening again in the future. When you ask, be careful not to assign blame, and let the other person know that you simply want information.^{[8]XResearch source}
- “Could you explain how this slipped through the cracks?”
- “Can you walk me through what went wrong here?”

7

Listen to the other person.

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Try not to interrupt them so they feel like their voice is heard. Listening to them will make it feel less like an accusation and more like a conversation. Plus, then you can both work together to correct the mistake and move forward.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Make eye contact and nod along with them to show that you’re listening.
- Ask follow-up questions like, “Can you tell me more?” or, “I’m not sure I understand. Could you explain that?”

8

Offer constructive feedback.

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Phrase your criticism in a helpful way to avoid blaming or shaming. You might have some pointers that you can share for next time, so do your best to offer suggestions instead of barking orders.^{[10]XResearch source} If you present your criticism in a constructive way, it’s much more likely to come across as kind and helpful.^{[11]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- “In the future, I’d suggest dedicating 1 hour per day to this task. That way, you don’t have to rush to finish it at the end of the week.”
- “Maybe next time you could check in with a coworker if you don’t understand something.”

9

Explain how the mistake can be corrected.

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There may be a way for the other person to fix what they did wrong. If that’s the case, explain it to them gently but firmly, and walk them through the process if they’re confused. That way, they can feel good about correcting their mistake, and they also know what to do (and what not to do) for next time.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- “What you can do is just go in and add the statistics from this quarter. That way, the report will be accurate.”
- “All you need to do is call the client and ask them to reschedule.”

10

Offer to help, if you can.

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Take some of the responsibility so it’s not all on the other person. They’ll probably feel less embarrassed or defensive if they see you working hard to help them out. If you’re able to, give them a hand and help correct their mistake as quickly as possible.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- “I can go ahead and help you out if you need it. You just let me know what I can do, okay?”
- “I’ll take the first half, you take the last half. If we work together, we can bust out these reports by Friday.”

11

Turn the issue into a teachable moment.

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Mistakes are a great way to ensure something doesn’t happen again. Try to find the overarching lesson within what happened, and focus on that as you wrap up the conversation. Remind the other person that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that the only way forward is to move on.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- “Well, at least now you know! You probably won’t be making that mistake again, huh?”
- “Even though the reports got messed up, at least you know how to enter in those statistics now!”

Expert Q&A

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Question
How can you advise without offending the person?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Answer
If you want to advise without offending the person, use the sandwich method. Start with a positive comment. Then give suggestions for improving the bad habit or whatever advice you have. Finally, say something nice about the person and end with a positive note.
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Question
How do you deal with a person who is upset with you?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Answer
Do not criticize that person. Instead, use a gentle approach because people are more receptive when they are not defensive.
Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
Thank you for your feedback.
If How.com.vn has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission.Support How.com.vn
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