How to Support Your Partner with Bipolar Disorder

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Learn how to ease your partner’s manic and depressive episodes and help them seek treatment

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• Showing You Care
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• Giving Support During Mania
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• Being There for Them During Depression
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• How to Help Them Get Treatment
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• How to Set Boundaries
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• Tips
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• Warnings

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Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that causes a person to experience extreme mood swings. During mania, they may feel excited and euphoric, while depression can cause extreme sadness, feelings of worthlessness, and fatigue. You can support your boyfriend or girlfriend by showing you care, giving support during a manic episode, being there for them during depression, and helping them get treatment. Although supporting your partner is important, it's also important that you set healthy boundaries and care for yourself.

Things You Should Know

• Learn more about how your partner's bipolar disorder affects them. Listen to whatever they have to share without any judgment.
• Remind your partner that you want to support them, and do nice things for them to show that you care.
• Give your partner resources about the different ways they can seek care and treatment for their bipolar disorder.

Steps

Section 1 of 5:

Showing You Care

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1. 1
   Ask them how bipolar disorder affects them. Bipolar disorder can manifest in people in different ways. Knowing how your partner typically experiences their symptoms can help you offer better support. Talk to them about how they usually experience both depression and mania.

   • Say, "Can you tell me about what you usually experience when you have episodes?"
   • It's also a good idea to read about bipolar disorder in general. However, keep in mind that your partner may not experience all of the listed symptoms. Similarly, they may have atypical symptoms that aren't listed.
   • Make sure you're able to accept your partner with their condition and the behaviors it brings. For example, a manic person may engage in risky behaviors like promiscuity or substance abuse. Talk to your partner about your concerns before these issues arise.
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   Listen to them without judgement. Whether they're feeling manic or depressed, your partner needs to feel heard. They're likely experiencing intense thoughts and frustrating mood swings. Be a safe space for them to share these issues.

   • You can still comment on what they say, but do it without judgment. You might say, “It must be awful to feel that way. I hope you know I think you're an amazing person.”
   • Don't say something like, “Stop talking like that,” or “Don't be crazy.” This is unhelpful and can make the situation worse.
   • Keep in mind that some people with bipolar disorder have trouble with relationships, so your relationship may feel one-sided at times. However, this is not true for everyone with the condition. Get to know your partner's habits. If your relationship starts to feel one-sided, talk to them so you can regain balance.
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   Tell them you want to be there for them. While actions speak louder than words, sometimes people need to hear how you feel. Keep in mind that your partner might tell themselves that you're only around because you feel obligated or are just that nice. Let them know that you're supporting them because you care about them.

   • Say, “I know you're going through a tough time right now, and I want you to know I'm here for you. You're so important to me and I will support you however I can.”
   • Don't assume you know what they need or try to "swoop in" to help. Let them ask for help when they need it, and remember that you aren't a caregiver.
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   Do nice things for them to relieve stress and show you care. In some cases, this might mean helping them run errands or do chores. Other times, you might treat them to a surprise meal or run them a nice bubble bath. By doing nice things, you show your partner that you value them. Even better, you take off some of the pressure that can cause their bipolar disorder to worsen.

   • You don't need to do everything for your partner to help them! Even a single favor can go a long way, such as helping them clean up their space, taking out the trash, or packing them a lunch.
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Section 2 of 5:

Giving Support During Mania

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1. 
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   Recognize symptoms of a manic episode. A manic episode is an upswing in mood, so your partner may be feeling good during this time. However, they might also feel irritable and anxious. Mania also triggers impulsive actions in many, so your partner could become reckless. Watch for the following symptoms:

   • Being excessively upbeat, wired, or jumpy
   • Having increased energy
   • Behaving impulsively (buying too much, abusing drugs/alcohol, increased sexuality, etc.)
   • Talking quickly and excessively
   • Seeming distracted
   • Being agitated or aggressive
   • Having exaggerated feelings of well-being
   • Showing excessive self-confidence
   • Paranoia
   • Hallucinations or delusions
   • Having a reduced need for sleep, such as not sleeping for days
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   Be a calming influence. Don't stimulate them more. Instead, keep your mood evenly balanced and suggest healthy activities, such as spending time outdoors. Avoid activities or substances that can trigger their symptoms, such as drinking.

   • For example, avoid inviting them to a party or club. Similarly, choose dates that don't revolve around stimulants, like coffee, or depressants, like alcohol.
   • Instead, you might go for a long hike in the woods or go swimming in water that isn't crowded.
   • Ask ahead of time how they usually cope best with manic symptoms, as well as when you should call for help. It's also a good idea to arrange ways to help them take their medication, as they may be tempted to stop when they feel mania.
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   Choose dates that work off their excess energy. Don't put your relationship on the backburner because of an episode. Instead, choose dates that meet their needs. When they have a lot of energy, pick dates that let them stay on the move. Here are some examples:

   • Walking around the park
   • Spending the day at the beach
   • Rock climbing
   • Dancing at a cafe
   • Hiking in the woods
   • Roller skating
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   Discourage impulsive actions. Because mania often makes people feel on top of the world, it can trigger impulsive behaviors, such as reckless spending, gambling, abusing drugs and alcohol, or increased sexuality. Your partner may not be able to see the consequences of their actions due to their bipolar disorder. If you notice them acting impulsively, offer reasonable alternatives and invite them to join you in a less impulsive activity.

   • For instance, let's say you and your partner go to the mall, and they start to pick up a lot of items they can't afford. You could say, “Hey, I'm sure this stuff would look great on you, but you already have so many nice outfits. I really think you should take a day to think this purchase over. How about we go get some frozen yogurt and talk it over?”
   • Keep in mind that they may choose to continue with their impulsive behaviors anyway. If this happens, stick to the boundaries you've set with them. If you don't want to be around these behaviors, leave the situation. It's okay to let them deal with the natural consequences of their actions.
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   Help them get more rest. Stick to your own regular bedtimes and invite them to do so, as well. Additionally, allow them to sleep whenever they can, even if it's at odd hours. It's possible that they'll stay up all night but then crash in the afternoon. If they can sleep then, it's better for their health if they do.

   • If you live with your partner, turn down the lights and create a calm atmosphere before bed. Avoid watching TV or playing games with your partner, as these activities are very stimulating.
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Section 3 of 5:

Being There for Them During Depression

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1. 
   1
   Recognize symptoms of depression. Your partner might feel sad, hopeless, and worthless. In some cases, they may feel numb. Additionally, they might feel fatigued and lethargic, or they could feel restless and irritable. Watch for the following symptoms:

   • Feeling sad, empty, worthless, and/or hopeless
   • Feelings of guilt
   • Excessive crying (in some)
   • Irritability (especially in teens)
   • Insomnia
   • Sleeping too much
   • Feeling restless
   • Being lethargic
   • Fatigue
   • Trouble thinking and making decisions
   • Suicidal thoughts or actions
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   Accept that their emotions have nothing to do with you. Being around someone who's depressed can make you feel down. You might feel like you're not doing enough to help or like you're not “enough” for them to be happy. This is not the case! It's not at all your fault that your partner is depressed.

   • Keep in mind that your partner may appreciate your presence even if they don't show it.
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   Help them set a small, manageable goal. Depression can make everything seem pointless, even your partner's favorite activities. However, working toward a tiny goal can help their mood improve. Suggest an easy goal they could pursue, then help them get started.

   • For example, the goal might be to get out of the house on Saturday or to complete a work or school assignment. You might also set a goal to do a creative activity, such as writing a poem. The goal could also be practical, such as to cook dinner tonight.
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   Encourage them to use healthy coping mechanisms. When strong emotions strike, it's normal to try to cope with them. People with bipolar disorder might not always cope healthily though. For example, they might turn to drinking. Instead, help them rely on good coping mechanisms by doing it with them or reminding them how good they feel after doing those activities. However, remember that it's not your responsibility to "fix" them. Here are some examples:

   • Creative expression, such as art
   • Re-engaging in a hobby
   • Soaking in a hot bath
   • Reading a favorite book
   • Talking about their feelings
   • Being with loved ones
   • Cuddling a pet
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   Offer them genuine comments of support. It's tempting to say things like “It will all be okay” or “You'll feel better in time.” However, this is not helpful to a person with depression. Instead, give them encouragement that's specific to their situation.

   • You could say, “I know you're really struggling right now, but we're in this together.” You might also remind them of ways they've been successful in the past. Say, "You can get through this. You felt like this 3 months ago, but you started to feel better after you got back into your regular routine."
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   Be patient with them. Dealing with depression is difficult, and recovery takes time. Give them time to feel better. Rushing them will only make the situation worse.

   • Step away if you need a break to put your own thoughts in order. Go out with a friend or spend time with family members.
   • Think of bipolar disorder like you would any other illness. You can't rush to get over the flu, and depression is the same way.
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   Watch for signs they may be suicidal. Not everyone who is depressed is suicidal. However, it's a serious concern, so be aware of the risk. Be ready to act in their best interest by calling emergency services or taking them to the emergency room. Here are signs to watch for:

   • Depressed mood
   • Threats of suicide
   • Saying life is worthless or they won't be here much longer
   • Giving away prized possessions
   • Getting their affairs in order (saying goodbye, paying off debts, apologizing, etc.)
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Section 4 of 5:

How to Help Them Get Treatment

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1. 
   1
   Speak to them in a calm manner. You can help them stay open to what you have to say by using a kind, gentle tone. Help them see that you care about them and are not attacking them or their behavior. When you feel yourself getting upset, take a deep breath or count to 10 before speaking again.

   • You might say, “I've noticed that you've been really down lately, while last month you were all over the place with energy. I'm worried about you and want you to feel better. Would you be open to speaking to someone about how you're feeling?”
   • Keep in mind that you may need to talk about the need for treatment multiple times.
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   Offer them resources about bipolar disorder and treatment options. It's common for people with bipolar disorder to stop treatment when they're not experiencing the worst of their symptoms. However, you might still notice issues with their behavior, or you might notice signs of an episode. Showing them educational materials could help them see things from your point of view and make them more likely to get treatment.

   • For example, you could provide them with a book on bipolar disorder, printouts of magazine articles, or a brochure from your doctor's office. You might also send them links to helpful websites.
3. 
   3
   Help them make a doctor's appointment. Choosing a good doctor is hard, especially if your partner is in a depressive episode, which makes everything feel difficult. It's a good idea for you to help them pick a doctor and make the appointment.

   • It's best to find a psychiatrist to treat bipolar disorder, as they can help manage medications as needed.
   • You can find a doctor by searching online.
   • If you've been together for a while, you might offer to take them to the doctor and wait with them so they aren't as nervous.
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   4
   Find a support group for them or both of you. Support groups are a great treatment option because they allow you to connect with others who've dealt with similar issues. Not only will the group understand what you and your partner are experiencing, but they'll also be able to share tips about what works for them.

   • Ask local clinics about support groups in your area. You can also check with the library or community resources. Another option is to search online.
   • If there are no support groups in your area, you could try an online forum.
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   Encourage them to take any prescribed medications. Stopping medication is a common issue among people with bipolar disorder. Because their moods are fluctuating and sometimes they feel great, people with bipolar disorder often believe they don't need their medication. However, stopping medication can trigger a relapse. Remind them why they are taking the medication and encourage them to continue.

   • Say, “I love how well you're doing right now, but I noticed you've been skipping your meds. They've been a great support for you so please keep taking them.”
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   Help them create healthy routines. Routines are a great way to manage bipolar symptoms. They help individuals struggling with depression to avoid sinking further into depression and care for themselves. They also help individuals experiencing mania to remember to sleep and fulfill responsibilities.

   • If you live with your partner, create a routine for your household with regular meal times, regular chores, and a bedtime.
   • If you don't live with your partner, establish a schedule for communicating via phone or text, as well as regular date nights. Remind them to eat at meal times and send them a goodnight text when it's time for bed.
7. 7
   Work with your partner to create a WRAP plan. A Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) allows you and your partner to establish a plan for how to deal with their manic or depressive symptoms. Usually, their doctor will help them create this plan. Having a plan in place allows you to help them in a way they've already agreed to ahead of time.

   • Make sure you have access to their plan.
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Section 5 of 5:

How to Set Boundaries

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1. 
   1
   Tell them which behaviors you will not accept. While you want to be there for your partner, it's okay to step away if their behavior is unreasonable. If they are acting aggressively or engaging in physical or verbal abuse, walk away from the situation. Tell them ahead of time that you will not tolerate this type of behavior, and enforce those boundaries if necessary.

   • Say, “If you hit me or yell at me, I'm leaving. I deserve to be treated with respect, illness or not.”
   • If you live together, you might have more behaviors that you'll not accept. For example, you might not accept reckless spending of joint funds or a refusal to help with chores. Consider what they truly can and cannot do. You might say, “I know you're not feeling well, and I'm happy to do some things for you. However, I do need you to help out by picking up after yourself and loading the dishwasher.”
2. 
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   Work with them to create a plan for mental health crises. Decide what you will do and who you will call when they're experiencing a crisis. Make sure you have their doctor's number, knowledge about the medications they're taking, and contact information for their closest family members. Ask them what they need for you, and let them know what you'll consider to be an emergency situation.

   • Decide what kind of crisis will result in a call to their doctor or their close family member. For example, you might reach out to their doctor after they've gone through 3 days of sadness and fatigue.
   • Know when you plan to call emergency services. For example, you might call emergency services if they threaten suicide.
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   Recognize when the bipolar is talking, not your partner. Just like with other mental illnesses, bipolar disorder can cause your partner to lash out. In some cases, they may say things they don't mean. While these things are hurtful, try to remember it's the bipolar talking, not your partner.

   • For example, while depressed they may say, “I hate my life,” “I wish I were dead,” or “You would be better off without you.” This is the bipolar speaking, not your partner.
   • As another example, during mania they might get really irritable or excitable. They could yell, “Leave me alone,” when you're just trying to help them stop impulsive behaviors.
   • If your partner verbally abuses you, take a break from them. Do something you enjoy, such as spending time with your friends or engaging in a hobby. Don't tolerate yelling, name-calling, insults, or threatening language.
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   Avoid enabling problematic behaviors. Don't help them obtain alcohol, drugs, or other things that help them engage in poor coping behaviors. Similarly, don't participate in activities you know are bad for your partner's long-term health, such as clubbing or reckless spending. While you might feel like this is the only way to help them, it's actually hurting them.

   • Focus on their long-term health, not a temporary fix. If they ask you to enable them, offer a more helpful solution instead. You might say, “I'm not going to get you alcohol, but I will run you a nice bubble bath.”
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   Avoid centering your entire life around your partner. Caring for a person with an illness can be difficult, but it doesn't have to be all-consuming. Although you might enjoy the role of caregiver, it's harmful for both you and your partner to be in a co-dependent relationship. You deserve a life of your own. Maintain other friendships and take a break when you need it.

   • For example, keep a regular coffee date with a friend, keep up with your hobbies, or take a class by yourself.
   • Co-dependent relationships occur when a person bases their entire identity around caring for another individual. In turn, the person who is cared for becomes dependent on the caregiver to have their needs met. It's harmful because the caregiver neglects their own life, while the individual being cared for struggles to improve.
   • If you're worried you may be co-dependent, a therapist can help you set better boundaries and improve your relationship. You can work with a therapist on your own or as a couple.
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   Take time for self-care. You need to take care of yourself if you're going to take care of them. Give yourself time to de-stress, and do things that make you happy. Make sure you're eating well, getting enough sleep, and keeping up with your responsibilities.

   • Keep up with your healthy routines.
   • Don't feel bad about taking good care of yourself or for being well. Being well makes you a better support for your partner.
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Tips

• Good communication can help both of you feel happier in your relationship. Tell them how you're feeling and that you're always there for them.
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• Spend time with other friends and relatives so that you don't get overwhelmed with their disorder.
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• Ask for help when you need it.
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Warnings

• People who are severely depressed may be at risk of suicide. Do not hesitate to call emergency services if you believe your partner may be suicidal.
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