Download ArticleHelpful tips for declining guests without hurting their feelings
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This article was co-authored by Maggie Mitchell. Maggie Mitchell is a Life Coach and the Owner of InnerCoastal Coaching in Raleigh, North Carolina. With more than 15 years of experience, she specializes in helping individuals with communication, anxiety, stress, problem-solving, decision making, meditation, and healthy boundaries. Maggie holds an MS in Counseling Psychology from Gannon University and received her Executive Coach Certificate from The International Coaching Community (ICC).
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 83,739 times.
When you’ve got family coming in for a visit, telling them to find another place to stay can seem like wishful thinking. But if you just can’t face the prospect of putting up with your demanding relatives for days on end, there are ways to handle the situation with tact. The first thing you’ll want to do is be up front about the fact that your abode is off limits. After that, you can smooth things out by helping them make other arrangements, financing their accommodations and making sure they enjoy the time you spend together.
Steps
Let them know up front. Prime your visitors’ expectations by being explicit about the fact that you don’t have the room or resources to play host.[1] That way, they’ll have plenty of time to make other arrangements. The news may be disappointing, but it’s more considerate than letting them find out only after they show up on your doorstep.[2]- Try cushioning the blow with a caveat: “As much as we’d love to have you at the house, we’ve just got too much going on this weekend.”
- Don’t mince words or beat around the bush trying to avoid the topic. This will only come as more of a blow when you finally break the news.[3]
- Be clear with your boundaries and expectations: "I’m so glad you want to come and visit. Here is a list of hotels that are close by and our other visitors have really enjoyed."[4]
Drop hints that your home is unavailable. If you just don’t have the heart to refuse your relatives outright, you can take the less direct route. When they first call or write to inform you of their visit, innocently ask them where they plan on staying, or mention how much work you have to do around your place. With any luck, they’ll get the message without it becoming an issue.[5]- You could also try leaving things vague by saying something like “it’s too bad there’s no way for us all to stay together.”
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Be ready to give them a good reason. Obviously, it won’t do to tell your overbearing in-laws that you just don’t want them around. Have an explanation lined up for why your home isn’t the best option. It should be something believable and (ideally) at least partially true so that they’ll be more accepting of your circumstances.[6]- Perhaps you’re busy taking care of a newborn, or you’re in the process of remodeling your only guest room.
- Avoid lying outright. Not only is it dishonest, but there’s a good chance that the truth could come out later if someone were to stop by.
Act unprepared. If your family surprises you with a visit, it’s okay to tell them that you’re simply not in a position to receive company. They might even be anticipating this response, since they decided to make the trip on little or no notice. In this scenario, they’ll more than likely already have a backup plan in place, which means you’ll be off the hook.- Explain to unexpected guests you have too much going on to show them the attention they deserve.
- Stay one step ahead by recommending a nearby hotel before they ask to stay with you.[7]
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Choose your words carefully. Someone less understanding might take offense if they feel like you’re trying to wash your hands of them. Let them down as easily as possible. Emphasize that your request is being made out of necessity rather than preference. You don’t want it to sound like your reasons are personal in any way.[8]- Try to broadcast genuine sympathy and regret in your tone. Chances are, your family knows you better than almost anyone, so they’ll be able to see right through a flimsy apology.[9]
- Never make someone feel unwelcome because of their personality or behavior.
- Depending on your relationship with the person, you could even use some self-deprecating humor to lighten the mood, like “The house is so chaotic right now, you’d probably feel like you’re staying in a zoo!”
- Reader Poll: We asked 202 How.com.vn readers who’ve had to kick someone out, and 53% felt that you should evaluate the situation and the person before using humor to ease the tension. [Take Poll]
Make sure they enjoy their stay. The last thing you want is for your family to be in a sour mood after going out of their way to come see you. Once everyone has arrived and gotten situated, go out of your way to see that they have a good time. Show them fun things to do around town, share meals together and catch up on the details of everyone’s lives. Make them feel like honored guests, not like an unwanted nuisance.- Even if the visit isn’t going well, remember that it’s only temporary and try to power through with a positive attitude.[10]
- Successfully talking your relatives into getting their own room shouldn't be used as an excuse to ignore or neglect them. If anything, you should be more eager please since they won’t be around as often.
Don’t invite them in the first place. In the end, there may be nothing you can do to prevent an awkward misunderstanding. If you fear that your reluctance might cause conflict, it may be best not to put either of you in the hot seat. Consider coming to them instead, or finding a more neutral way to get together, like a family vacation or reunion dinner somewhere public.- Reschedule the visit for a date that’s more convenient for you. If nothing else, this will give you more time to mentally prepare.
- There may be times when you just have to bite the bullet and make the most of it. After all, family comes first![11]
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Help them find another place to stay. Hunt down hotels in your area and find a few that look clean, safe and comfortable. Make sure the place you select is close enough to your home to allow you to easily meet up. Compile a list of potential options that you can recommend later.[12]- Try to find a place that’s centrally located and surrounded by essential conveniences, like restaurants, banks, gas stations and supermarkets.
- Browse private condos and Airbnb rentals, as well. These tend to be more homey and inviting than the average hotel.[13]
Ask someone else to put them up. Call a sibling, cousin or in-law you’re on good terms with and see if they’d be willing to open their homes to your mutual relations. Bring up pressing concerns like space, noise or privacy as a way of selling your suggestion. If they agree, it will be a win-win: family will take in family and you’ll be in the clear.[14]- Work out an agreement to alternate hosting duties in the future.[15]
Offer to pay for their accommodations. Depending on the size of the party, you might be able to get everyone squared away on your own dime. Sponsoring your relatives’ stay will ease some of the financial burden of their travels. It may also help defuse any resentment they may feel toward you for turning them away.- Surprising your visitors with free lodging is a good way to make up for you asking them to stay somewhere else.
- Helping with the cost of your family’s trip can also serve as a kind of unspoken apology—“Since we couldn’t make it work at the house, this one’s on me.”
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Tips
- Young children or high-strung pets can make a good deflection, since they require so much care and attention.Thanks
- Implying that your visitors will be able to enjoy more space and privacy elsewhere may persuade them to get separate accommodations.Thanks
- Having odd or irregular work hours (or working from home) is typically a compelling enough reason to keep your home free of guests.Thanks
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Warnings
- The sooner you make your position clear, the better. Putting off the conversation indefinitely is not an option.Thanks
- Avoid over-explaining or making too many (or overly detailed) excuses. The longer you go on, the less sincere you’ll sound.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Maggie Mitchell. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.mercurynews.com/2013/11/25/holiday-visits-stay-at-a-hotel-or-with-relatives/
- ↑ https://www.wisebread.com/5-ways-to-say-no-to-friends-and-family
- ↑ Maggie Mitchell. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/the-awkward-files-how-to-say-no-to-houseguests-206410
- ↑ https://www.mercurynews.com/2013/11/25/holiday-visits-stay-at-a-hotel-or-with-relatives/
- ↑ Maggie Mitchell. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.mannersmentor.com/social-situations/how-to-nicely-say-no
- ↑ https://powertochange.com/sex-love/5-apologies-that-always-work/
- ↑ https://www.mercurynews.com/2013/11/25/holiday-visits-stay-at-a-hotel-or-with-relatives/
- ↑ https://medium.com/the-awl/ask-polly-my-mom-keeps-guilting-me-about-visiting-for-christmas-18f489cfa115
- ↑ https://www.mercurynews.com/2013/11/25/holiday-visits-stay-at-a-hotel-or-with-relatives/
- ↑ https://www.airbnbcitizen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/FamilyTravelReport_USA_061816_v3.pdf
- ↑ https://www.stageoflife.com/StageHomeOwnership/OtherResources/Homeowner_Etiquette.aspx
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/18/booming/negotiating-conflicts-part-2-holiday-hostility.html
About This Article
Life Coach
This article was co-authored by Maggie Mitchell. Maggie Mitchell is a Life Coach and the Owner of InnerCoastal Coaching in Raleigh, North Carolina. With more than 15 years of experience, she specializes in helping individuals with communication, anxiety, stress, problem-solving, decision making, meditation, and healthy boundaries. Maggie holds an MS in Counseling Psychology from Gannon University and received her Executive Coach Certificate from The International Coaching Community (ICC). This article has been viewed 83,739 times.
Co-authors: 7
Updated: April 11, 2024
Views: 83,739
Categories: Family Vacations
Article SummaryX
If you’d rather your relatives stay in a hotel instead of your home, you can suggest it calmly without it seeming rude. Just say something like, "We're so excited to see you. I wish you could stay here, but things are a little crazy here at the moment and we don't have the space." Have a good excuse ready, like being too busy or redecorating, so it doesn't seem like you don't want your relatives around. For a subtler option, ask where they plan on staying. For example, say something like, "It'll be lovely to see you. Where are you planning on staying?" You can also offer to help them find a hotel or suggest some good ones nearby. If you have the money, you can even offer to book their room for them to make things easier. For more tips, including how to ensure your relatives have a peaceful visit, read on!
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