How to Reunite After a Breakup: 8 Crucial Steps in the Journey

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Mend things with your ex so they're the one that stays instead of the one that got away

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Stages of Reconnecting with an Ex

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Is getting back together a good idea?

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When to Not Get Back Together

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Advice to Make It Last This Time

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Should I Get Back With My Ex?

Not ready to close the book on your love story? While breakups can be heart-breaking, there's no guarantee that yours means it's "game over." With the right strategies, some clever tricks, and perfect timing, you can win your way back into your ex's life. In fact, you might even reboot your relationship. Here, we'll guide you through the process of scoring your ex back and playing for keeps. So, get ready to walk down memory lane and into a bright future with your old flame!

Things You Should Know

Go "no contact" for 30 days to keep your ex wondering and fantasizing about you.
Re-establish contact with a chill, low-stakes opener to test the waters with your ex.
Use your time to genuinely reconnect if you score your first "post-breakup" date.
Practice open communication if you both decide to start regularly seeing each other.

Section 1 of 4:

Stages of Reconnecting with an Ex

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1
Give yourselves some space to cool down. After a breakup, tensions are high, so let everything simmer. Even though it might be hard, try to stick to the "no contact" rule: in other words, avoid seeing, texting, or calling your ex for 30 days. While it seems counterintuitive, this tactic actually has a pretty high success rate. If your ex doesn't hear from you, then they may end up pining for you and picturing the best parts of your relationship.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Traditionally, the "no contact rule" is used to move on from an ex, so your old flame might worry that you slipped through their fingers.
- If you stay strong and follow this rule by the book (that means not even one random text), you'll create a sense of mystery and anticipation.
- Not only does the "no contact" rule allow your ex some time to wonder if ending the relationship was the wrong choice, but it also allows you time to regroup so you'll be calm and collected when you eventually speak again.
2
Spend reflecting on your own needs and expectations. Believe it or not, it can actually be incredibly empowering to be alone after a breakup. To make the most of this period, pursue your own interests and reflect on whether the relationship really brought out the best in you. As you explore all your feelings related to your dynamic, you might discover that there were ways to be a better partner or advocate for yourself.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Make a list of what you loved and disliked about your relationship. For example, jot down, "He was always great at giving me lots of compliments and supporting my dreams. I just wish that we had more novelty in our dynamic and went on more dates."
- Review what you wrote down to see if you want to move forward: "You know, all of this seems very surmountable. He was a really nice guy, and I bet if I handled the logistics, he would be down to go to more concerts or vacations."
- Remember to prioritize your own self-care, too. Not only will you enjoy yourself, but when you brim with confidence, your ex may find you irresistible if you meet up again.
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3
Own up to your part in the breakup. Hey, it's never easy to look back on what you're not exactly proud of, especially when it involves the one you love. Still, when you consider your own patterns in relationships or your communication style, you'll be armed with invaluable knowledge. When it's time for your next "at bat" as you reconnect with your ex, it might just be a home run.
- Identify your attachment style—were you ever distant and avoidant? On the other hand, did you ever feel like you needed continual reassurance because you were insecure about the relationship?
- Think about your love languages—did each of you express affection in the same way? Did you show your partner a lot of appreciation, or did you sometimes overlook the positive ways they contributed to the relationship?
- Consider your communication skills—did you speak up about what you needed, or did you sweep your concerns under the rug? Did you discuss matters calmly, and were you an active listener?
4
Reach out with a casual “hello.” If you've weighed all the pros and cons and decided you want to re-establish contact with your ex, keep your tone light and friendly. To respect their boundaries, ask if they're okay with catching up and staying in touch. If they are, just sprinkle in a cute check-in here and there—nothing too serious. Your upbeat and laidback attitude could rekindle things in just a few days.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Try to sound like it's no big deal to you: "Hey, stranger. 😊 Is it cool to text?"
- For a few days, or even a couple weeks, just give random updates: "Work is finally settling down, yay!" Then, bring up a low-stakes way to meet up again: "What do you think about grabbing coffee? ☕I'm free on Saturday."
- If they're not ready to hang out yet (or express that they'd rather not stay in touch), respect their wishes: "I completely understand. I wish you the best."
- Reader Poll: We asked 767 How.com.vn readers and only 9% of them would reach out to an ex by calling and sharing their feelings. [Take Poll] So a casual, pressure-free text or email may be the best way to re-establish contact.
5
Keep it chill and PG on your “second first date.” When you give it another shot, seeing your ex and their fine self might get you all hot and bothered. That's understandable, but ask yourself: are you looking for a fling or the real deal? If it's the second option, then pace yourself: savor your time together and you'll send the message that you two are destined for romance.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Even if they look totally yummy, stick to respectful and polite openers, like, "You look great. How's everything been for you these days?"
- Feel free to indulge in a little nostalgia to sweeten the date: "You are so funny! I love how we can always goof off with each other. Remember how wild we got at that wedding?"
- To keep the sparks flying, thank them for coming out and suggest another meetup: "I had a blast. Wanna get together next weekend?"
6
Discuss what you both want out of your next chapter. Once you two start seeing each other regularly, you might fall into a steady rhythm. In fact, it might feel like everything is just...normal. To make sure you're on the right track and make awesome progress, carve out some time to sit down and chat about what you're both looking for this time around.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Decide whether you need more time to find your groove or if you'd like to be "official" again:"I think I'm ready to put a 'relationship' label on this. It just feels right to me. What are your thoughts?"
- Speak up about your needs: "Now that we're together again, I just want to make sure we stay invested in each other. I'd love if we could have two special date nights every month."
- Check in about what your former ex wants: "I know that you really value your personal space. I just wanted to reassure you that I'll totally respect that. It's important for both of us to enjoy our independence!"
7
Reflect on whether the new dynamic is working for you. So, is it bliss or a total mess? Hopefully, it's option one! Even if there are some kinks to work out, you can always calmly point out what could be tweaked. Celebrate what is paying off, like improved communication, and remain open about your needs, such as more quality time. As long as you both remain transparent, you have what it takes to go the distance.^{[6]XResearch source}
- If you two are slipping into old patterns, gently bring this up and offer a solution: "It seems that we're getting a little distant again. I really love you and want to avoid drifting apart. Why don't we talk it out, cuddle, and watch a movie tonight?"
- When you two have made amazing strides, shine a light on that: "We're doing so much better this time around! Look at us resolving problems like total pros."
- Take time to regularly assess your relationship: "Overall, I'm really happy we got back together. I know issues will always come up, but I know we'll handle them, babe."
8
Embrace the way you two have redefined your love. Rather than sweeping your breakup under the rug, honor it as a special milestone. There's no shame in rebooting your fairytale and beating the odds. As the two of you forge a stronger bond, remember not to take each other for granted and stay thankful for all the hard work you both put in. Here's to "take two" and a happily ever after, sweethearts!^{[7]XResearch source}
- If people ask about your breakup, you can just say something like, "It's been an awesome journey. We were in love the entire time, and we overcame everything together."
- Show how appreciative you are to keep the romance alive: "I'm glad you weren't the one that got away. My life is better because you're back in it."

Section 2 of 4:

Is getting back together a good idea?

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1
If you ended on good terms, feel free to give it another go. If you two handled the breakup like adults, had kind parting words, and still have fond memories of each other, the forecast looks good for you. As the great Maya Angelou once said: "People will never forget how you made them feel." It'll be pretty easy to build rapport with one another if your last interaction was super pleasant.^{[8]XResearch source}
- If you catch them regularly checking out your social media, it's a good sign they feel nostalgic and are really interested in staying in touch with you.
Hey, none of us our perfect—sometimes we do or say things that we regret. If you can be the bigger person, swallow your pride, and take responsibility for any of your own mistakes, your ex will probably respect you for that. Plus, they might be impressed by all your self-awareness and feel a lot more comfortable re-establishing a dynamic with you.^{[9]XResearch source}
Ultimately, the heart wants what the heart wants: even a breakup can't stop true love. If each of you confess that you can't stop thinking about each other and can't see yourself with anyone else, then there's no reason to drag things out. Go ahead and give your romance another shot. To preserve your special connection, just remember to stay patient with one another.^{[10]XResearch source}

Section 3 of 4:

When to Not Get Back Together

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To determine whether either of you are codependent, consider whether one of you puts yourself on the back burner and makes everything about your partner. While you might be ready for a relationship later down the line, it's best to focus on your own needs and establish your boundaries. Once you can be an advocate yourself, then you can revisit your dynamic.^{[11]XResearch source}
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There were clear red flags of toxic patterns in the relationship. Some dynamics can be salvaged if there was an uncharacteristic blow-up or a one-time conflict. However, if one of you repeats harmful behaviors, then they'll just be repeated when you two date again. It's probably best to move on and evolve apart from one another—unless one of you is willing to commit to serious inner work and seek support from a professional. Steer clear if you see warning signs like:^{[12]XResearch source}
- Making promises without ever following through. For example, your partner might reassure you they'll remain open and transparent, but they still keep secrets from you.
- Setting unrealistic standards for a "fantasy" relationship. If either of you spend more time describing how you wish each other would be like rather than accepting one another, then it's a sign you'll both remain unsatisfied.
- Playing the "blame game" and bringing up past mistakes. If one of you still hasn't let go of what's already said and done, then arguments will continue to crop up. Plus, accusations, jealousy, or frustration chip away at a relationship.
While it's understandable to want to go back to what's familiar, never return to someone who abused you. Whether they were violent or degrading, you deserve better. Leave this individual in the past and start a new relationship with a person who cherishes you: when and if you're ready, of course.^{[13]XResearch source}

Section 4 of 4:

Advice to Make It Last This Time

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When you get back together, resist the temptation to get into into little squabbles. While it might seem cute and even endearing, like you're back to "the old times" again, you're better off developing new conflict management skills. Stay kind, courteous, and open-minded. The more you speak up about your needs, boundaries, and expectations, the stronger your relationship will be.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
Sure, enjoy all that chill time getting cozy and cuddling up as SOs instead of exes. When you're done, though, dial up the excitement in your dynamic. To make the honeymoon phase last forever, carve out opportunities for a ton of novelty. For example, go on trips with one another, try out new activities, and surprise one another.^{[15]XResearch source}
3
Get extra spicy for round two of your relationship. Once you reconnect as old flames, you don't want things to fizzle out. To be dazzled by your sex life, even in a long-term dynamic, show that you can still take each other's breath away. Try out new positions, hit up new places, and bust out new outfits: all of these perks will make your SO want to stay right where they are.^{[16]XResearch source}
- Play around with body language, too—for example, when you speak with your partner, lean in and caress them to build the sexual tension.
Never let your lover forget that they were worth fighting for. Take time to compliment them and praise their contributions to your relationship. Reassure them that you're there for the long haul and that you're incredibly thankful that you're back together. When you both remain deeply appreciative of each other, you'll feel an unbreakable bond.^{[17]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}