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This article was co-authored by Alessandra Conti. Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).
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Everyone has heard stories of the dreaded friendzone. Many people have experienced unrequited attraction towards a friend at one point or another. There is a lot of debate whether friendship can coincide with romantic attraction. Attempting to seduce a friend is a different game than attracting someone from scratch, and a lot of your success will depend on the strength of your existing friendship. Seducing a friend can feel riskier than usual, as you may be chancing your friendship in the attempt. However, if you feel there's something there, moving forward and trying can lead to great things if done correctly.
Steps
Be a good friend first. Making sure you have a great relationship as friends before moving onto anything else should be considered as much more than simply preparing for your big seduction. If you are friends with someone already, they are going to base your seduction on what they know of you as a person, moreso than the seduction itself. There are friendships in all varying degrees, but many things should be true for all of them.- Try to make a regular habit of talking to them. Even if it's small talk, it goes to show that you're interested in them as a person and care about the little things.
- Make them feel good about themselves. People choose the people in their life usually depending on how they make each other feel. This is true for relationships as much as friendships.
Make sure the circumstances are right. You only want to make your move if you think the timing is right. If your friend just heard some bad news and is looking for a shoulder to cry on, a seduction might not be a good idea. The same is true if there is a lack of chemistry between the two of you at the given time. If you think things aren't working at the moment, it's better to wait it out.- Try not to wait too long, however. In doing so, you might let someone else take your friend into a relationship, thus ruining your chances at seduction.
Spend a lot of time together. As a general rule, the more two people of the opposite sex spend together, the more chance there is for something to spark. Before you go in for a direct seduction, sometimes simply asking to hang out often says a lot on its own. If you don't spend time together on a regular basis, you should ask them to meet up. Even if you are just meeting as friends, it's a great way to maximize the chances of something happening.[1]- Time in a group is okay, but there is little chance of something special coming out of that. One on one time is different however, as it means the two people are there specifically for time with each other.
Find a quiet moment together. A proper seduction cannot take place if you're in a crowded area. To be intimate, you need an intimate space. This could be at the end of a night at a party together, or after one of you has invited the other over. A quiet, private setting is important because you don't want any external pressures affecting the way the seduction is received. Even if someone wants to be seduced, they may feel shy about it if they think their friends will be there to see it happen.
Make the interaction light and playful. Even if your friend finds you physically attractive, you will have a hard time of properly seducing them if you're bringing their mood down. Emphasize your positive side. This can be done as simply as making a conscious decision to be pleasant around the person you would like to seduce. Being cheerful leads to opportunities to flirt more openly, whether you consciously mean to or not. A proper seduction is very rarely a serious thing.[2]
Express attraction through light touching.[3] Touch is an important part of flirting. It's the way that's going to break the two of you past the barrier between friends and something more. Light touching can include anything from a hug to a brief touch on the arm. These movements aren't risking a lot, and you can usually tell from the way they're reacting to it whether they'll accept bolder gestures.- You can try to keep your flirtations subtle if you want to save the chance of pulling back if you decide your affections aren't being reciprocated.[4]
Hold your friend's gaze. While it's normal to make eye contact with a friend while you're talking, prolonged eye contact usually hints at something more. Studies have shown that holding someone's gaze for an extended amount of time can provoke intense feelings.[5] Even if you normally spend time with this friend, make a point of keeping eye contact while you seduce them.- The reaction of eye contact can be positive or negative. A lot of it depends on whether the other person finds you physically attractive.[6]
Work flirtation into your conversation. If the friend you want to seduce is already close and comfortable enough with you, regular conversation should come naturally to the two of you. With the foundations in place, you'll want to work playful flirting into your talk. Exchanging light, teasing remarks into your conversation is a great place to start.[7] Compliments are a more direct way of showing interest, especially if those compliments are aimed at things you're typically attracted to.- An example of a flirtatious remark: "Your hair looks great today. I think it really suits you."
Gauge your friend's current reaction. A simple but important thing to do before you make the final push is to reflect on the ways in which your friend has reacted towards your flirtations thus far. If they've smiled when you've touched them or responded to your teasing with teasing of their own, it's probable your friend is inviting you to make a move. On the contrary, if your friend is looking uncomfortable, it's probably a sign you should back off.- Everyone's psychology is different. If you are already friends with this person, you should have at least a basic idea how you think they'd react to someone they're attracted to.
Make a bold move. All seductions involve a moment of truth. Most often, this means a kiss, although it might also mean an overtly sexual or romantic comment. If your friend has responded well to non-committal overtures, you can move in. Kissing on the lips is often seen as something that is reserved for more than just friends. Once you think the time is right, move in. Don't be too quick about it either. It may be stressful, but it's not an experience you want to rush.- All bold moves are risky by their very nature. It's a good idea to feel out your chances before making a commitment to the seduction.
Open yourself to the possibility of being seduced.[8] A strange thing about seduction is that it sometimes becomes hard to know who is seducing who. If you think there is mutual attraction there, they may well be waiting for the right moment to make their own move. You should let them know that it's a good idea to step in.
Accept the consequences. Consequences for a seduction could be very good, or very bad. Things can get uncomfortable and awkward quickly or you and your friend might not want to be your friend anymore. If this is the case, the best way to repair a friendship (assuming you want to repair it) is by talking openly about what happened.[9] Explain what you felt and why you wanted to do what you did.- It's usually best not to pry into questions like why they rejected you. Focusing on the rejection itself can lead to bitterness on both ends.
- If all is indeed lost, you have to accept your losses. Not everything is going to work out the way you want it to; the same is especially true in pursuing relationships.[10]
Talk things through. If the seduction has failed for whatever reason, there's going to be a spot of awkwardness. It is best to turn this into an opportunity for both sides to vent their feelings and say how they feel. This may lessen the impact of the rejection, but it's necessary if you want to keep the friendship alive. Be honest with how you feel. If the other person tries to brush it off as a joke, it may be best to follow through with that and move past the episode as quickly as possible. Otherwise, it's a good idea to talk about what happened as friends. Make sure to let your friend that you care about them as a friend, in spite of any added attraction you've had for them.- You might start a conversation with something like this: "I know how this might look. While I am attracted to you, I also value you as a great friend. I hope you don't think I feel any less of you because of this."
Take things forward. Following the seduction, you need to move forward. This is true whether the seduction worked, you're staying friends, or the friendship was ruined as a result. The outcomes vary wildly, but even in the worst case, there is no benefit in letting yourself suffer over it. An important part of life lies in accepting your decisions and learning from them. Even if you regret making the seduction, you should forgive yourself as soon as you can. After all, you were taking a risk, and for that, you should feel proud of yourself.- If the seduction fails completely and your friendship is terminated, fill the emotional void with something new and fresh.[11] Keep yourself occupied. The people who heal from emotional pain the fastest are those who stay busy. Don't take it personally. Move on, and fuel your frustrations towards getting to a better place in life.
- If the seduction fails but you manage to remain friends, try to let things resume as they did. Staying friends is easiest if you manage to talk things through when the seduction happens. Accept that some feelings aren't mutual, while others are.[12]
- If you're rejected at first and the friendship stays together, they might begin to see just how much you value them. If you let the subject be for the time being, there is the chance they might change their mind and realize what a catch you are.
Consider your chances. If you are already friends with someone, there is some chance you can figure out your chances of success based on your existing interactions. Is there already some flirting involved in your interactions together? Are they involved with someone else already? Do you get the impression they already find you attractive? If you get a less-than-desired answer for at least one of these questions, it does not necessarily mean there is no hope for you. Rather, you'll have to play your cards right, and possibly change things about yourself to suit their needs in a partner.- Having expectations beforehand is an important part of making things work. Even if you do successfully seduce your friend, things can go sour quickly if you don't know where to go from there.
Recognize that your friend may already want to be seduced.[13] Seduction is essentially a form of positive attention, and there isn't a person who doesn't enjoy feeling wanted. Whether they respond well to your seduction is another thing, but you should keep in mind that you friend may already have feelings for you that you haven't noticed yourself. If you go about it in a way that isn't weird or demanding, the gesture can seem affectionate if anything.
Determine whether or not a seduction is worth it. Unlike trying to date a stranger, there is more of a risk factor in meaning to seduce a friend. For starters, you could ruin your friendship. Even worse, the fallout from it could affect other mutual friendships as well. On the other hand, a friendship that is strong enough can usually survive a failed seduction, provided things are discussed openly.[14]- Cross-reference your expectations with your expected chances and decide for yourself whether you should go through with it.
- There is no easy answer to a question like this, but it is important that you live with whatever decision you make. Although going for the seduction may seem like the riskier move, staying quiet can result in just as much pain if you really like the person.
Pinpoint your expectations. It should also be said that there are varying degrees of success that relate to your expectations. If you want a relationship but think you'll only get a one night stand at best, it is up for debate whether it is worth it. Likewise, it is also dubious to attempt a one-night stand with someone you think may get emotionally tied to you after the fact.
Decide what you want from your friend. There are a lot of degrees by which you could seduce a friend. You may want to get a full relationship with them, and it's possible you may otherwise prefer a 'friends with benefits'-type situation. [15]- If a 'friends with benefits' arrangement is what you're specifically looking for, it's recommended you try looking for one of your friends that is already open and comfortable with sexuality.[16]
Expert Q&A
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- QuestionWill we be able to stay friends if things don't work out?
Alessandra ContiAlessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM).
Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating CoachThe sad truth about having feelings for a friend is that once you have feelings for a friend, they are no longer a friend, and they can never be just a friend to you ever again. That is just the sad truth. In a way it's empowering to realize that and it's more a reason to just go for it with the person.
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Tips
- Don't forget to take a look at yourself, too. If you think there's anything you can do to make yourself more desirable, making it happen will maximize the chances of the seduction succeeding.Thanks
- Doing something to change the way you are perceived can make a big difference. Something like a hair cut will even make long-term friends look at you differently.Thanks
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Warnings
- Don't try to seduce your friend if they're already in a relationship. It is very bad form. The seduction is likely to fail, and your friendship will probably be ruined to boot.Thanks
- Don't value your friendship on the hopes that you might get a relationship out of it. The friendship itself will feel hollow, and the chances of a relationship actually happening will be minimized as a result.[17]Thanks
References
- ↑ Alessandra Conti. Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 23 April 2021.
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/happiness/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201202/how-flirt-and-seduce-touch-part-1
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201203/how-flirt-without-it-seeming-youre-flirting
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201404/5-secret-powers-eye-contact
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-flirt/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201309/the-paradox-seduction
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201202/saving-your-guy-gal-friendship
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201202/saving-your-guy-gal-friendship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201309/the-paradox-seduction
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201202/saving-your-guy-gal-friendship
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-navigate-friends-with-benefits
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-navigate-friends-with-benefits
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201809/6-rules-healthy-friendships
About This Article
Celebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Alessandra Conti. Alessandra Conti is a Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and Co-Founder of Matchmakers In The City, a personal Matchmaking firm headquartered in Los Angeles, California. Alessandra is a Matchmaker behind MTV's, “Are You The One”, and is the go-to Celebrity Matchmaker for shows like NBC's Access Hollywood, and CBS's Face The Truth. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on Forbes, Elite Daily, The New Yorker, The LA Times, and Fox News. For nearly 10 years, Alessandra has worked with clients ranging from celebrities to young professionals and leads a team of matchmakers responsible for hundreds of marriages through their knowledge of interpersonal relationships, body language, and lie detection. She holds a BA in Communications from American University and is a Matchmaking Institute Certified Matchmaker (CMM). This article has been viewed 542,114 times.
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Co-authors: 26
Updated: April 29, 2024
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Categories: Dating and Friends
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