How to Respond to an Adult Bully

Bullying doesn’t always stop in adulthood, but that doesn’t mean you should have to put up with it. It’s never okay for someone to bully you, whether they’re a friend, coworker, family member, or stranger. The good news is that it’s completely possible to respond to an adult bully in a calm, mature way and shut down their bullying behavior. If they still keep bothering you, there are other things you can do to get the bullying to stop and feel more assertive and confident when you’re around them.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Handling Bullying Behavior

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1
Avoid the bully whenever possible. If you are faced with a bully, one of the best strategies to use is removing yourself from the situation. Take a different route to class. Walk in a group where you are less likely to be singled out. If it is not possible to avoid the bully all together, make sure you are never alone with them. The bully may not want witnesses to the bad behavior so even taking the step to have another person with you may help to end the problem.
- Bullies target those they know that they can get a reaction out of, so don't make it obvious that you're avoiding them.
- If the bully is on social media, block the profile and remove any connections you share with them.^{[1]XResearch source} Be aware, however, that the bully may create a new profile, so be careful when accepting new requests. Consider disabling comments on your social media accounts if the harassment continues.^{[2]XExpert SourceDr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 24 July 2019.}
2
Ignore any inappropriate behavior. A bully may call names or try to embarrass you, but ignoring the taunts may send the message that they will not be getting a reaction out of you. The bully will likely move on. This is going to be very hard to do in some cases, but think of it as a game and it may get easier^{[3]XResearch source}
- Don't explain anything to the bully; chances are, they know that they're being ignored and why. Telling them this will only give them the satisfaction that they're bothering you.
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3
Use humor. Making a joke at someone else’s expense is often the go-to behavior for a bully. You can take the sting out of this by simply laughing along. This approach also works if the bully uses sarcastic compliments to be mean.^{[4]XResearch source}
- For example, instead of getting upset when they sarcastically tell you that you look nice, say “Why, thanks, Bethany!” as nicely as you can and walk away.
- Using humor may seem odd, but if the bully sees you don't care or don't “get” you're being made fun of, the jokes will stop.
4
Confront someone with whom you spend time with regularly. If you are being bullied by a coworker or a family member whom you interact with frequently, you need to speak with this person privately about their behavior.
- Talk to the bully in private but not in complete isolation. For example, talk to them in the breakroom at work, rather than in the back parking lot.
- Enlist the help of another co-worker, if you're at work, who can be close by if needed to get help.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Mention the behavior, but don't tell the bully that it makes you feel bad. For example, say “The taunting is disrupting my day. I’d appreciate it if you stopped.” Also, if you say anything about going to HR if this is at work, be ready to do just that.
- Sticking up for yourself when it is safe to do so may not undo what the bully has already done, but it will help in preserving your sense of self-respect.^{[6]XExpert SourceDr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 24 July 2019.}

Part 2

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Choosing to Not Be a Victim

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1
Remain calm.^{[7]XExpert SourceDr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 24 July 2019.} Bullies often target people they know they can get a rise out of. Do not give the bully what they want. Take a deep breath and continue on with what you were doing, or walk away.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceHealthyChildren.orgHealth information from the American Academy of Pediatrics.Go to source}
- It might help to repeat a mantra in your head to maintain your calm in the face of a bully. Repeat something like “Don’t give them a reaction” or “Keep it cool.”
2
Be mindful of your physical and emotional reaction. Studies show that people are less likely to get teased or bullied if they exhibit an assertive attitude. You can stop being a victim to bullying by changing your reaction. Beware of your body language. Lift your chin, keep your back straight, and pull your shoulders back.^{[9]XResearch source} Remaining aware and in control of your body will also help you remain calm and clear-headed.^{[10]XExpert SourceDr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 24 July 2019.}
- If showing strong, positive signals doesn’t come naturally, practice your assertive attitude at home while you’re away from the bully.
- If you have friends that you trust, consider asking them to help and advice. Have them point out when you're lacking confidence or when you're being assertive.
3
Document any offenses. Keeping a record of the bully’s taunts will help you to keep dates straight and establish a pattern. You will need to establish a pattern if this goes further and you report the behavior to a boss at work or the police if this is a domestic situation that you need help for.
- Save emails and take screenshots of social media comments right away. If you wait too long, the bully may delete them.
4
Speak to a superior or someone who can help. Make sure this conversation includes a clear picture of the pattern and any documentation. If you are at school, you can tell an instructor or a school administrator.^{[11]XResearch source}
- If this is at work, go to the meeting with suggestions as to how this can be fixed. This might include moving the bully to a different department or working with HR. Be prepared to answer what you want to have happen.
- If you meet with the person at work face-to-face, follow up with an email documenting when the meeting took place and follow ups so you have it in writing what occurred. This will be included in the documentation if the behavior continues.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Avoiding Bullying Traps

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1
Refuse to take bullying behavior personally. The behavior, no matter how personal of an attack that is used, is never about you. It’s about the need of the bully to get attention or to perseverate behaviors picked up elsewhere.
- Understanding a bully's motive may help you realize that their behavior is not personal. For example, they could just feel jealous or threatened.
- Remember, you’re not doing anything wrong—it’s not about you.^{[12]XResearch source}
2
Don’t reciprocate bullying behavior. This probably is not the first time the bully has acted like this so they are probably pretty good at it. You do not want to open yourself up to a situation where the only behavior anyone sees is your reaction and you get into trouble.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Don't bully back online. If the bully deletes their content, it will look like you are the one who did all the bullying!
Responding with anger doesn't help. "I am dealing with a family member who has been disrupting the family. He had a big blow-up last night and everyone's anger was building. A family counselor told us that he was a bully and we were responding to him with anger which wasn't helping. Things have changed now that we understand how to communicate with him." - Patrick U.
Bullies are selfish. "This article inspired me to gather the courage to attend a family event tonight, despite my daughter and I being bullied by members of our family. I now know that I don't have to exist under their control and they just wish to rob me of these precious moments in order to feel victorious." - Raymond T.
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3
Refrain from getting into a physical altercation. Becoming physical with a bully should be avoided at all costs. Whether you are at school, work, or in another environment, getting into an altercation can mean being arrested and charged with assault.
- Physical self-defense should only be used as a last resort when required to protect yourself from the other person. Try to avoid this if you can.^{[14]XResearch source}
The bully may choose to intimidate you to the point that you feel like there’s no one you can turn to. Share the experience with others. See a counselor. Deny this person the opportunity to steal away your voice.^{[15]XResearch source}

Expert Q&A

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Question
Why do moms judge other moms?
Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Niall Geoghegan is a Clinical Psychologist in Berkeley, CA. He specializes in Coherence Therapy and works with clients on anxiety, depression, anger management, and weight loss among other issues. He received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA.
Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
They probably have huge insecurities and problems in their own life and are taking them out on someone else. If you're a victim of bullying, remember that you aren't the person with the problem; the bully is.
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What are some ways I can control my body language in an anxiety-provoking situation?
Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Niall Geoghegan is a Clinical Psychologist in Berkeley, CA. He specializes in Coherence Therapy and works with clients on anxiety, depression, anger management, and weight loss among other issues. He received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA.
Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
When we get anxious, we tend to lose contact with our body, so it's a great practice to be aware of your body in those moments. I often tell people, feel your feet on the floor and feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to focus your attention all the way down there so that you're not spinning in mental agitation. Take a few minutes to just keep breathing, and then allow your mind to problem solve.
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Tips

It's not always easy to tell the difference between what is bullying and what might just be the result of somebody's temporary bad mood. Be charitable initially but do not tolerate persistent bad moods and bad behavior; repetition is a sign that you are being targeted.
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Sometimes, the only thing to do in a bullying situation is to walk away.
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Harassment and threats are criminal offenses and should never be ignored. Contact the police immediately and press charges if a crime has been committed.
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Warnings

Assertive behavior can be very effective if used in the early stages of bullying. However, if the bullying has already been going on for a long time it might not have the desired effects.
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