This article was co-authored by Nicole Moore and by How.com.vn staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA. Nicole Moore is a Love and Relationship Coach and the Founder and CEO of Love Works Method, a private coaching and digital course service for women looking to find the right partner. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in body language and helping others take control of their dating life, attract a partner, and build a strong relationship. Nicole has been featured in numerous publications such as Cosmopolitan, Forbes, and USA Today. She also hosts Love Works with Nicole Moore, a podcast for modern women wanting love, dating, and relationship advice. Nicole holds a BA in Public Relations and Spanish from Syracuse University and a Certificate in Personal Coaching from New York University.
There are 17 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Daily, we’re bombarded with societal messaging about sex: who’s having it? Who’s not? Does it have any bearing on a person’s value? If you’re a guy and you’re curious about what being a virgin (or not!) says about you, you’re in the right place. We took a deep dive into the definition of “virginity” and cultural taboos surrounding sex, and we’ve also dug up recent stats about the rise in celibacy among heterosexual guys to see what it might say about today’s culture. As an added bonus, we sat down with love and relationship coach Nicole Moore to get her insight about virginity and how to approach having sex for the first time. Keep reading to learn more.
Things You Should Know
- Generally, “virgin” refers to someone who has never had sex, but since many people define “sex” differently, “virginity” doesn’t have a concrete definition.
- There are some cultural taboos surrounding male virginity—e.g., that a “real” man has sex early and frequently—but these taboos are totally invalid.
- Regardless whether you have sex a lot or have never had sex, it has no bearing on your worth as a person! And your sex life is really nobody’s business but yours, anyway.
Steps
How to Handle Virginity Anxiety
- Try not to compare yourself to others. If your friends or classmates are dating or (claim to be) having lots of sex, it’s natural to feel a little anxious about your own lack of sexual activity.[22] But remember, everyone goes at their own pace, and there’s no “timeline.”
- If you’re active on social media, try cutting back. It’s easy to scroll through Instagram and feel like everyone else is living a more fulfilling, sexy life than you.[23] But what someone posts online doesn’t always show the full picture—and even if it did, it doesn’t detract from your value.
- Know that not as many people are having sex as you think. The media’s always throwing it in our faces that everyone (but you) is having sex. But that’s simply not true. Even if a lot of folks do have sex early and often, there’s a large number of people who don’t—you’re not alone.[24]
- Notice what triggers your anxiety the most. Being aware of situations that set off your insecurity can help you avoid them or at least manage your response to them.[25]
- For instance, if a certain friend is always bragging about their sex life or making you feel inadequate for not having sex, you might try talking to them about it if you feel comfortable, or just distance yourself from them.
- You may not always be able to avoid triggers, but if you know in advance that something or someone is likely to make you feel anxious, it can help you be more prepared and maybe lessen the amount of stress you might feel in the moment.
- Consider having a stress-relieving plan in your back pocket for when you know you’ll be in a potentially triggering situation. For example, try deep breathing exercises.[26]
- Remember to value quality over quantity. Maybe you hear peers or influencers talking about their “body count” and you worry you’ll never reach the same number. But remember that it’s the quality of your relationships, sexual or not, that matters—not the quantity of sexual partners you might have.
Expert Q&A
Tips
- Know that many studies on sexual activity and cultural beliefs surrounding what constitutes a “normal” or “healthy” sex life are centered on heteronormative couples.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1941649/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31144604/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4244004/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4244004/
- ↑ https://ifstudies.org/blog/male-sexlessness-is-rising-but-not-for-the-reasons-incels-claim
- ↑ https://news.iu.edu/live/news/26924-nearly-1-in-3-young-men-in-the-us-report-having-no
- ↑ https://ifstudies.org/blog/male-sexlessness-is-rising-but-not-for-the-reasons-incels-claim
- ↑ https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2767066?widget=personalizedcontent&previousarticle=2767063
- ↑ https://news.iu.edu/live/news/26924-nearly-1-in-3-young-men-in-the-us-report-having-no
- ↑ https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/sexualbehaviors/index.htm
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/generation-z-doesnt-care-about-virginity-how-you-lose-it-2023-12
- ↑ https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2767066?widget=personalizedcontent&previousarticle=2767063
- ↑ https://ifstudies.org/blog/male-sexlessness-is-rising-but-not-for-the-reasons-incels-claim
- ↑ https://news.gallup.com/poll/509690/young-adults-drinking-less-prior-decades.aspx
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6736570/#B72
- ↑ https://ifstudies.org/blog/male-sexlessness-is-rising-but-not-for-the-reasons-incels-claim
- ↑ https://news.iu.edu/live/news/26924-nearly-1-in-3-young-men-in-the-us-report-having-no
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9368281/
- ↑ https://news.iu.edu/live/news/26924-nearly-1-in-3-young-men-in-the-us-report-having-no
- ↑ https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2020/09/more-young-adults-lived-with-their-parents-in-2019.html
- ↑ https://www.census.gov/data/tables/time-series/demo/families/adults.html
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8796168/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9295248/
- ↑ https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2767066?widget=personalizedcontent&previousarticle=2767063
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201803/how-stop-comparing-yourself-others
- ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/breathing-exercises-for-stress/
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