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You may have seen the term āemotional invalidationā floating around social media, but what exactly does it mean? And how do people know if theyāre being invalidated? While emotional invalidation has many forms, there are several easy-to-spot signs to tell you when itās taking place. In this article, weāll go over everything you need to know about invalidation, including examples, effects, and why people invalidate others. Weāll also provide helpful tips on how to validate someoneās emotions, as well as coping strategies to combat invalidation.
Things You Should Know
- Invalidation occurs when someone dismisses or rejects your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.
- Invalidating behavior includes eye rolling, ignoring someone, or interrupting them in conversation. Invalidating phrases include telling someone to āmove onā or āget over it.ā
- On the other hand, emotional validation is when you accept and try to understand someone's feelings. For example, you might say: "That must've been so difficult for you."
Steps
Examples of Invalidation
- Physical invalidation Invalidation can include rolling your eyes or ignoring someone. Physical invalidation involves nonverbal actions that make someone feel unimportant or irrational. It can be a brief microexpression, or it might be repeated behavior that suggests the listener doesnāt care about the conversation. If youāre unsure whether someone is invalidating your feelings, look out for the following signs:[4]
- Playing on their phone when youāre talking to them
- Hiding behind a screen or book during conversation
- Not making eye contact or scanning the room when youāre speaking
- Suddenly walking away during the middle of the conversation
- Giving you the silent treatment by ignoring your calls and messages
- Raising their eyebrows or smirking in response to you
- Other gestures that imply boredom, like fidgeting, crossing arms, and turning their body away from you
- Interrupting you or redirecting the conversation to themself
- Invalidating phrases Verbal emotional invalidation often means telling someone to "move on" or "get over it.ā People who invalidate others may use phrases that seem reassuring but are actually careless, tactless, and apathetic. They often emphasize that someone's situation isnāt as bad as they think, or that there are āmore importantā issues going on in the world. Regardless of the intention, verbal invalidation downplays someoneās emotions, and here are several common phrases:
- You're being way too sensitive.
- Donāt be so dramatic.
- Stop taking things personally.
- It could be worse.
- Youāre overthinking things. Itās all in your head.
- I donāt get the big deal.
- Youāre misinterpreting things.
- Iām sure it wasnāt that bad.
- Are you sure thatās what really happened?
- Donāt be a cry baby.
- Lifeās hard. Grow up. Move on.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- Iām sorry you feel that way.
- Thereās no reason to be upset. Letās look at the facts.
- At least you still have your job....
- I donāt feel like having this conversation with you.
Negative Effects of Emotional Invalidation
- Difficulty managing emotions If youāre frequently invalidated, you may feel confused or doubtful about your experiences. You might feel disconnected from the world, and this can lead to unhealthy behavior, such as social isolation or suppressing your emotions. Over time, you might be so conditioned by someone else's invalidation, that you start to do it to yourself. This can be harmful if youāre experiencing serious distress.[5]
- After a traumatic event, for instance, you might tell yourself, āother people have it worse than meā or āmaybe Iām just overreactingā instead of seeking professional help.
- Instead of processing negative emotions and moving past them, this person might just invalidate, repress, and even feel guilty for their negative feelings (because they believe they're being "dramatic or sensitive).
- Low self-esteem or mental health issues Since invalidation is the process of someone rejecting your emotional experiences, it can make you feel lonely, worthless, and insecure. Repeated exposure can have a negative impact on your self-image and worldview, which may lead to more serious conditions like anxiety, depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).[6]
- If youāre feeling this way, remember that you donāt have to go through these emotions alone! Write down your feelings, then reach out to a therapist to find the right treatment for you.
- Find a therapist in your local area, or look for one online through sites like BetterHelp or GoodTherapy.
- Decreased intimacy in relationships Invalidation is one of the most serious communication mistakes partners can make because it causes emotional pain (and possibly irreparable damage). When someone is invalidated by their partner, they may feel unloved or uncared for, leading to low self-esteem and distrust. This makes it increasingly difficult to connect with their partner on a deeper level and maintain a healthy, committed relationship.[7]
- Address emotional invalidation in your relationship by letting your partner know how their behavior makes you feel. To avoid coming off as accusatory, use āIā statements to express yourself, such as, āI donāt feel heard when we talk about our finances and future plans.ā
- If your partner constantly invalidates your experiences, it might be a sign that youāre in a toxic situation. If they donāt make an effort to understand your emotions (after you confront their behavior), seek couples therapy or consider ending the relationship.
- Just because someone invalidates you doesn't mean you need to let them. It's okay to break this pattern and validate yourself. If you acknowledge the hurt as related to the intention or impact, it will help you recover more quickly. You'll begin to recognize if others are capable of this type of repair, or if they're stuck in the invalidation cycle. Learning to spot this capability will help you determine if this person is willing and open to change. It can also help set the stage for communication and advocating for your feelings to be inserted into the situation, regardless of their invalidation.
Why do people invalidate others?
- People invalidate because they canāt process other peoples' emotions. Whether it's due to a lack of time, energy, or empathy, some people just canāt sit down and understand another personās situation. They might be preoccupied with their own problems, or feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed in the moment. It doesnāt mean they donāt care about the person who is venting, but they might not be in the right headspace to offer support.[8]
- If your emotional experience is triggering, for instance, the other person might change the subject to avoid reliving past trauma or discomfort.
- Other times, the person youāre speaking to might have a low level of emotional intelligence: they simply canāt read your emotions or put themselves in your position.
- Sometimes, people unintentionally invalidate others to cheer them up. This type of invalidation usually comes from close friends and family members. They might minimize or dismiss their loved oneās emotional experience in a poor effort to console them. While the goal is to help the other person feel better, their invalidating words (or behavior) communicates that the other person is overreacting, making them feel even more isolated, confused, or worthless.[9]
- Well-intentioned invalidation can look like: problem-solving before understanding the other personās experience, downplaying their emotions, or saying statements like ājust ignore themā or āthings will get easier soon.ā
- Some people knowingly invalidate others as a form of manipulation. When done intentionally, emotional invalidation is considered a type of gaslighting because it aims to make someone question their experience. Invalidation, in this instance, implies the other person is irrational, wrong, or lying, and abusers are known to use invalidation as a tool to manipulate peopleāit allows them to blame their victims and minimize their abusive behavior.[10]
- Intentional invalidation can look like: blaming the other person whoās venting, judging their response to a situation, minimizing their feelings or experiences, or denying that something happened.
- Popular invalidating phrases used by manipulators include: āyouāre being crazy,ā āyouāre not remembering correctly,ā and āyou donāt know what youāre talking about.ā
How to Validate Someoneās Feelings
- Actively listen when someone speaks to you. Validation starts by giving your undivided attention to the other person in conversation, and acknowledging their feelings and emotions. Put your phone away, maintain eye contact, and focus on being there for themāeven if their feelings are difficult or unpleasant. When you actively listen to someone, it communicates that you genuinely care about them, making them feel safe and supported.[11]
- During conversation, give brief verbal responses to show that youāre listening such as, āI see,ā āUh-huh,ā or āOkay.ā Or, physically comfort the other person by holding their hand, rubbing their back, or giving them a hug.
- After the other person finishes speaking, reflect on their feelings, then summarize their experience to show empathy. You might say, āI can totally see why youāre upset right now. Your friend didnāt show up after you canceled plans to meet them, and it made you feel unimportant to them.ā
- Ask them if they want advice or a listening ear. Many people just want to be heard when they tell you about a problem. Before opening your mouth to say ālook on the bright sideā or āyou should do this,ā stop and listen carefully to what the other person is telling you. Let them fully express (and process) their emotions, then ask them how you can help.[12]
- If youāre unsure whether theyāre looking for advice, validation, or a fresh perspective, ask them! You could say, āHow can I help? Do you want advice or just someone to talk to?ā
- As a general rule, strive to talk less and listen more. Avoid interrupting or interjecting the other person until they finish speaking, and focus on simply being there for them.
- Share a similar story to normalize their feelings. If possible, show the other person you understand their perspective by recalling a similar experience youāve had. Explain exactly how you felt at the time, how you handled the situation, and what you learned from it. Then, tie it back to what the other person is currently going through to make them feel understood.[13]
- For example, if your sister feels excluded from her friend group, you might say, āI totally understand why being left out feels hurtful. In high school, I also went through a similar experience with my friends, and it made me feel so alone. I did make new friends a few months later, but at the time, it was really difficult. Itās not fun to be left out.ā
How to Cope with Invalidation
- Take time to identify and accept your emotions. If youāre upset or overwhelmed, reflect on your experiences, then try to determine what youāre feeling inside. Observing and describing your thoughts can help you recognize your emotions and better understand yourself.[14]
- Write your feelings down in a journal if youāre having trouble identifying or expressing them.
- If youāre experiencing unpleasant emotions, try to stay in the present moment instead of ignoring pushing them away. Remember, youāre allowed to feel sad, hurt, angry, or any other emotion, and your emotions arenāt permanent.
- In general, processing and accepting your feelings makes it easier to eventually move past them. The goal isn't to dwell too long on things that make you miserable, but rather, let yourself feel your emotions, then try to move forward.
- Use positive affirmations to boost your self-esteem. Once you acknowledge your emotional experience, practice self-validation to normalize your feelings. The more you respect, accept, and appreciate yourself, the less likely you are to sit too long in negative feelings. After all, you know you deserve to feel free and content! Affirm your emotions out loud, and remind yourself of your best qualities daily. If youāre feeling insecure, self-love affirmations can challenge your negative thoughts and increase your confidence. You might say:[15]
- My feelings are valid. I am worthy of love and respect.
- Not everyone likes me, but thatās okay because I love myself.
- I tried, and thatās what really matters. I bring so much to the world.
- I am special and rare, and I am more than my accomplishments or failures.
- Itās okay to cry. Everyone has bad days, and I am still a valuable person.
- Distance yourself from those who constantly dismiss your emotions. Now that youāre familiar with invalidating behavior and expressions, pay close attention to the people surrounding you. If someone always criticizes or judges you, rejects your experiences, or makes you feel like youāre ācrazy,ā interpret it as a sign to limit your time and energy around them. Instead, build relationships with people who love and respect you, and youāll notice a major boost in your self-esteem![16]
- To deal with toxic people, confront them by saying they are invalidating your experience. People who genuinely care about you will reconsider their behavior and try to be more supportive, while those who constantly make excuses will avert blame or become defensive or angry.
- Even though some people shun the idea of social acceptance, it's perfectly normal to look to others for approval. At the end of the day, validation lets you know that youāre okay and things are going to get better, and everyone wants to feel loved, supported, and respected.
- When this is a family member or co-worker, you may still engage in day-to-day interactions. It's important to set your own internal boundary if they do not change. Then, you may need to continue advocating for yourself regardless of their behavior. Though this can be exhausting, you're worth it!
Expert Q&A
Tips
References
- ā http://eqi.org/invalid.htm/invalidation_short_course.htm
- ā https://www.oneheartcounselingcenter.com/whats-the-difference-between-gaslighting-and-invalidating/
- ā https://restorationcounselingatl.com/overcoming-emotional-invalidation/
- ā https://mantracare.org/therapy/self-care/what-is-emotional-invalidation/
- ā https://restorationcounselingatl.com/overcoming-emotional-invalidation/
- ā https://restorationcounselingatl.com/overcoming-emotional-invalidation/
- ā https://marriageministry.org/why-marriages-fail-invalidation-part-2/
- ā https://khironclinics.com/blog/invalidation/
- ā https://khironclinics.com/blog/invalidation/
- ā https://www.oneheartcounselingcenter.com/whats-the-difference-between-gaslighting-and-invalidating/
- ā https://www.healingcollectivetherapy.com/resources/how-to-validate-someone-s-feelings
- ā https://www.healingcollectivetherapy.com/resources/how-to-validate-someone-s-feelings
- ā https://www.healingcollectivetherapy.com/resources/how-to-validate-someone-s-feelings
- ā https://restorationcounselingatl.com/overcoming-emotional-invalidation/
- ā https://health.clevelandclinic.org/do-positive-affirmations-work/
- ā https://restorationcounselingatl.com/overcoming-emotional-invalidation/
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