How to Improve Social Skills As an Adult

Many of us can’t help but feel the nerves⁠ creep up when we’re about to go to an event or give a presentation⁠⁠—so you’re not alone if the thought of social situations makes you anxious. They can seem complicated to navigate, but it’s definitely possible to improve your social skills with regular practice and mindset changes. If you want to feel less nervous in conversations and get better at talking to others, we’ve got the advice and tips for you.

1

Prepare conversation starters.

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Having a few icebreakers in mind can help you avoid awkward moments. Make a list of different situations⁠—like parties, work, or dates⁠—and write down different conversation starters for each one to memorize. By being prepared, you can get off to a good start and decrease the likelihood that you’ll be caught off guard or run into dead ends. Instead of thinking about the right thing to say and getting frazzled, you’ll be ready to go.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For instance, you could write on your party list, “What brought you here?” or “I like your outfit⁠, where did you get it?” or “How do you know the host?”
- On your work list, you could write, “What projects have you been working on recently?” or “What department do you work in?” or “What do you like most about working here?”
- Don’t feel like you have to be super clever or deep. Sometimes, simple is better⁠—after all, a conversation starter is just a warm-up.
- As you get more comfortable starting conversations, you can shift away from using your memorized lines and being more spontaneous, like using the immediate situation or person as inspiration.

2

Ask open-ended questions.

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Open-ended questions prompt longer responses. Rather than asking yes or no questions that might result in short answers and awkward silences, asking open-ended questions can help keep the conversation going. People like talking about themselves and telling stories, so asking open-ended questions will not only help you learn more about your conversation partner, but also make the conversation flow smoother.^{[2]XResearch source}
- For example, instead of asking “Are you traveling anywhere this summer?”, try asking “What would your ideal summer vacation look like?”
- You can also ask follow-up questions to signal continued interest in the conversation and even mix in information about yourself. For instance, instead of only replying with “Cool!” or “I see!”, try saying, “I really want to go to Paris too! Which places would be your top priorities?”

3

Engage in active listening.

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Show the other person that you’re focused on them. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say, give your full attention to the other person’s words.^{[3]XExpert SourceNicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment ExpertExpert Interview. 28 January 2020.} There are many different active listening strategies, but you could start by restating or summarizing what they’re saying, labeling their emotions, and validating them. Since you’ve built rapport and trust together, the other person will feel more comfortable about continuing to converse and share information with you.^{[4]XResearch source}
- For instance, paraphrase what they said by responding with, “Let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly...” or “So it sounds like…”
- Label their emotions by saying, “It seems like this is really stressing you out…” or offer validation by saying “I really appreciate that you’re willing to share this with me.”

4

Give people compliments.

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Complimenting others shows them that you're friendly and likable. By showing your appreciation for your conversation partner, you’re creating a more positive atmosphere, which improves the communication flow. It’s even better to give specific compliments, which indicate that you’re really getting to know the other person and that your compliment is genuine.^{[5]XResearch source}
- If you’re at work, for instance, tell your coworker that they did a great job on their presentation, or that they handled a stressful situation with impressive problem-solving skills.
- Tell someone they have awesome taste in music, or that they’re great at making you laugh.
- Try to avoid over-complimenting⁠—this can come across as insincere or exaggerated.

5

Remember people’s names.

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This may seem overly simple, but it can make people feel special. People appreciate being remembered, and they’ll be happier and more open to building a connection with you if you don’t have to ask them to repeat their name. They’re not just another face in the crowd to you, but somebody that you really want to get to know.^{[6]XResearch source}
- If you have trouble remembering names, try repeating them as often as possible. For instance, throw their name into the initial interaction a couple times⁠—and make sure you have the pronunciation down too.
- Connect their name to a distinctive facial feature to make it more memorable, like “Kevin with the cool septum piercing.”

6

Use a friendly tone of voice.

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Make a great impression with a warm tone. Convey to your conversation partners that you’re relaxed and having a good time. Although what you say is important, how you say it can be equally impactful in improving conversation flow; you don’t want to sound nervous or stressed. By improving your speech delivery, you can make the conversation more open and natural.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Even if you don’t feel entirely relaxed, you can still project confidence through your vocal tone. The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll feel.
- Other ways to improve vocal delivery and project confidence include pacing yourself (in other words, slow down so that your words are more impactful), and replacing long words with short ones.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- You can rehearse beforehand to simulate the situation so that you’re prepared for the real conversation.

7

Show that you’re interested through body language.

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Body language can create a more positive impression. It’s part of nonverbal communication, which is often equally important in social situations, and includes a wide range of things, from facial expressions to gestures⁠. Being aware of your body language during conversations and adjusting it accordingly can help you demonstrate that you’re listening and interested in the conversation.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Some ways to get started improving body language are by having good posture and maintaining appropriate eye contact.^{[10]XExpert SourceNicolette Tura, MA
  Empowerment ExpertExpert Interview. 28 January 2020.}
- You can also utilize gestures like pointing and shrugging.

8

Speak up in group settings.

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Learn how to navigate conversation flow. Though it’s often hard to get your own words in, integrating yourself into group conversations will provide you with invaluable experience. Accept that the group conversation might be unpredictable and chaotic and go with the flow, jumping in when you can. If you don’t get to finish a thought or story, try to let it go and move on to the next topic with the rest of the group.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Along the way, you’ll also get more practice monitoring your own emotions, like how you react if somebody begins talking over you.
- Some other tips for speaking in groups include keeping your stories short and speaking loudly and confidently.

9

Put yourself in new situations.

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Trying new things allows you to talk to more people. Join a local club, take a class, or reach out to people who are acquaintances but not quite friends yet (like coworkers!).^{[12]XExpert SourceNicolette Tura, MA
Empowerment ExpertExpert Interview. 28 January 2020.} It may feel like a big step outside your comfort zone, but the more you challenge yourself to put yourself out there, the more practice and opportunities to make friends you’ll create for yourself.^{[13]XResearch source}
- At work, you could ask people if they want to grab coffee, or suggest drinks after work.
- If you’ve moved to a new location, sign up for local painting classes at the library, or get involved in volunteer work on the weekends.

10

Role play with others.

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This can help you get in a little practice before an event. If you’re not ready to tackle spontaneous conversations, you can get more practice in a structured environment by acting it out first. Recruit a friend, family member, or professional, and cover all of the scenarios you’re worried about until you feel more confident in your skills. The great thing about role playing is that if you mess up or stumble, you can just go back and try again.^{[14]XResearch source}
- You can practice anything you want in a role play! For instance, you can practice starting or ending a conversation, jumping into a group conversation, or changing the topic.
- You can also make up different settings, like the workplace or a dinner party.

11

Develop self-awareness.

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Identifying and regulating emotions can help you navigate conversations. Being self-aware means that you know how your emotions tend to work in various situations⁠⁠. Once you have this information, you’ll then be able to respond at the right time and in the right way. This can help you anticipate and smooth over social difficulties.^{[15]XResearch source}
- For instance, you might tend to get angry if someone talks over you, causing you to lash out or blurt something inappropriate. If you get better at recognizing this tendency, though, you’ll be able to handle it by calming yourself down in the moment.
- Alternatively, if you anticipate a situation where you might be talked over a lot, you can make the decision to stay away to prevent any chance that you’ll react badly.
- One idea for developing self-awareness is journaling so that you get to know yourself better.^{[16]XResearch source}

12

Practice empathy.

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Step out of your own head and consider how others might be feeling. The more you’re on the same page as others, the better you’ll be able to respond socially because you get where they’re coming from, such as whether they’re feeling comfortable or anxious. Empathy also better helps you understand how someone may react to a certain situation. As a result, if you’re being empathetic, you’ll be able to see which ways might be best for conveying your ideas or dealing with conflict.^{[17]XResearch source}
- Empathy can be important in the workplace, such as when you need to understand how a coworker is feeling or how to manage a team project.
- One exercise to build empathy is thinking through someone's emotional reactions. For instance, if your partner has been sad lately, question what they might be going through instead of taking their emotional state for granted. Has work been difficult? Is something personal going on?^{[18]XResearch source}
- You can also practice empathy during conversations. Focus as much of your attention as possible on the other person, nodding to show understanding. Repeat their words back in your own words, or ask questions to make sure you’re understanding exactly what they’re saying.^{[19]XResearch source}

13

Foster a positive mentality.

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Challenge your negative thoughts to reduce your anxiety. If you’re dealing with social anxiety, working on your inner thoughts can help you feel less overwhelmed about your social skills. Rather than defaulting to the worst scenarios or assuming you’re going to mess up, realize that the situation isn’t set in stone and that you could absolutely do a great job or improve from the last time.^{[20]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- For instance, if you’re nervous about an upcoming speech, don’t default to the thought, “I’m totally going to screw up.” Instead, ask yourself, “Do I know for sure that I’m going to mess up?”
- Similarly, don’t get caught up in your own head during conversations. Your nerves might seem obvious, but they’re probably less visible than you think. If you do stumble a bit, it doesn’t mean others will notice it, or think badly of you even if they do.

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It’s understandable if trying to improve your social skills is scary or makes you anxious. While it’s important to push yourself out of your comfort zone, you should practice and improve at your own pace. Even when you’re not speaking, you can still observe others and notice how they enter and manage social scenarios.
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