Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by Connell Barrett and by How.com.vn staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA. Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
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Hugging is a great way to show affection for a girl, whether you have a crush on her or you just care for her in a platonic way. But if you’re not used to it, or if you’re not sure how the girl you want to hug feels about it, it can be a little nerve-wracking. Hugging can be a natural and intimate way of showing someone you care—but how do you go about hugging a girl properly? No need to stress! We’ll walk you through all the steps in the article below.
Things You Should Know
- Reflect before going in for your hug. If she isn't making eye contact or if she avoids speaking to you, she probably doesn't want to be hugged.
- Hold and then release your hug. Then, say something to accompany the hug, like, "I'm so happy to see you!"
- For a platonic hug, keep it casual. Hold your embrace for just a couple seconds before releasing.
Steps
Observe her body language to see if she would like to be hugged. Reading her body language can help you tell if she’s open to physical contact. You can tell she might be receptive to a hug if she makes eye contact with you, plays with her hair around you, and expresses “open” body language by pointing her hips or feet directly toward you. Her tone of voice may also be animated and bright.[1]
Approach her gently. Resist the urge to dive in and hug her as quickly as possible. Instead, take a deep breath and move in at a pace that allows her to decide whether or not she wants to hug you. Make eye contact, move a little bit closer to her, then lift your arms and pull her in.- Even if she displays all the “signs” of wanting to be hugged, she may not actually want to be hugged! (Body language isn’t an exact science, unfortunately!) It’s essential that she has a second to back out before you make contact. Otherwise, she may feel forced, and the situation will turn awkward.
- The upside is that slower movements are generally considered more romantic. So if she does want you to hug her, a smooth and gentle approach will seem all the more intimate.
- Hugging hack: if you’re in a group of people, see if she hugs others. This isn’t a guarantee she wants to hug, and the rules about pulling back if she recoils apply. But whether she hugs others in the group and for how long can act as a guide for hugging her yourself.[4]
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Hug her longer and closer to be more intimate, or shorter to keep it casual. The duration of your hug and the pressure you apply says a lot about what it means to you. People who are closer (or who would like to be) may hug closer for longer, while shorter, lighter hugs are usually reserved for more casual scenarios.[5]- Tight, full-body embraces longer than a few seconds are usually meant for significant others, close friends, or close family members.
- Significant others may rub their partners’ backs or hold their head. If you think she may be receptive to this, try it—but move slowly, and be prepared for rejection. To play it safe, keep your hands still on her back or keep one hand over your other arm.
- Shorter hugs are lighter and more casual. The average "hello" or "goodbye" hug should be about 1 or 2 seconds of holding.
EXPERT TIPConnell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."Dating Coach
Connell Barrett
Dating CoachKeep it brief if it's a first date. If you're meeting someone for a first date, it's great to greet them with a warm hug, but it shouldn't linger. It sets a romantic tone for a date, but you'll still come across as friendly and approachable.
Release the hug after a few seconds, or when she pulls away. It may feel awkward if she ends the hug before you do, but try not to dwell on that. If she doesn't signal she's done with the hug (by pulling away or tapping you on the shoulder or back, maybe), release the hug yourself after a few seconds in one smooth move.[6]- If she starts to let go or you can feel her go limp in your arms, immediately release your hug.
Verbally acknowledge the hug in a cute way. What to say when you end the hug depends on the situation. If you really like this girl, the end of a hug is your chance to do something adorable that she’ll remember.- For a casual greeting or goodbye hug, say "I’m so happy to see you!" or "See you later!"
- For a hug that acknowledges an accomplishment, say "Congratulations!" or give her a compliment, like "You inspire me."[7]
- For a comforting hug, tailor what you say to the situation. "It's OK" or "I'm here" are both appropriate ways to show your support and acknowledge her feelings.[8]
- For the buddy hug, say whatever sparked the hug in the first place. "You're awesome," or "We really rocked that ultimate Frisbee game, didn't we?" is always fun.
- If you want to convey romantic feelings, try something subtle, like “You’re such a great hugger,” or be more overt if you’re feeling gutsy: “I really like holding you.”
Hug her to say hello or goodbye, or to show support or excitement. When you hug a girl is just as important as how you do it, so play it safe by picking a good moment. Hugging her in greeting when you first see her or hugging to say goodbye are common times to hug, but hugging during emotional moments is also acceptable.- Many people appreciate being greeted by friends with a quick "friends" hug (even if you want to be more than friends). Saying goodbye with a hug is also a nice, friendly gesture.
- Whether you’re on the same team that just won a big game or if she’s having a hard day, a hug can be a really good way to reinforce that you’re there for her.[9]
Practice different hugging positions in different situations. If you’re still nervous after your hug, read up on different hug positions and visualize which one might work best for your particular situation. Test them out in different situations with other people, so the next time you have the chance to hug your crush, you're all ready![10]- Slow-dance. Her arms will go upward and around your neck and your arms will go under hers. You can put your arms around her waist or higher up her back. The lower your hands go on her back, the more suggestive the hug is. This can be a very intimate hug.
- Big bear and little bear. Her arms will go below yours and you’ll wrap around her back while her arms wrap around your waist. This is a friendlier hug and allows her to be pulled close to you and have her head rest on your chest.
- One-arm sling. This is the least romantic kind of hug—more of a buddy hug, really. This is when the hugger comes in from the side and wraps one arm around her shoulders or neck, as a casual friendly hug.
- T-Rex. Both the hugger and the girl's arms stay around the waist and lower back area. This will allow for the both of you to rest your heads on each others shoulders. This is going to allow for a friendlier, less suggestive hug.
- Criss-cross. One of your arms goes up and the other goes down to create an "x" with your arms and hers. This can lead to the perfect "pull back and kiss" position where both of you still have your arms holding on to each other with enough room to still kiss.
- From behind. This is a hug you only do with a girl you know well, and unless she likes scary surprises, let her know it’s you as you move into the hug. This is a very intimate hug.
Initiate the hug casually, without thinking about it too much. While you might slow down for a romantic hug, people frequently hug friends to say hello or goodbye without thinking twice about it. Bear in mind this applies to people who are already friends—less so to people you’ve just been introduced to.[11]- Use your instincts, but the best rule of thumb is that if you’re offered a hug, go for it. If you want to initiate a hug, don’t think too much about it, but pull back if your friend steps back.
Make quick, casual contact. Remember to keep the physical contact quick and light for hugging friends. Anything more prolonged might be misinterpreted as romantic.[12]- Lean in, bending from your waist. The idea here is not full-body contact, which is a much more intimate and personal hug.
- Wrap one arm around her arm and place your hand in-between her shoulder blades.
- Wrap your other arm around her and place your hand below your first hand.
Hold briefly and release. 2 seconds is the ideal length for a friendly hug. Let go of her as soon as this much time has passed, and resume conversing as you normally would.[13]
Community Q&A
- QuestionMy girlfriend is just going to walk up to me and hug me, how do I hug her back?
Community AnswerJust keep it natural. She's your girlfriend! Keep your hands on the back of her waist if she intends to keep hers on your shoulders. Lean in closely and maybe even give a light kiss on her cheek or neck. Hug her tight and never be the first one to back away. Don't worry about it too much. - QuestionHow do I get a girl to notice me if I am quiet?
Community AnswerTry and get to hang around her more, and maybe be a little less quiet. Try and make friends with her too. This might surprise you, but a lot of girls find shy boys to be cute. - QuestionWould it be awkward if I hugged a girl from behind and then kissed her on the cheek while still hugging her?
Community AnswerIf it's a girl you know well, such as your girlfriend, it wouldn't be awkward to do this unless she isn't fond of physical contact. Hugging from behind and kissing her on the cheek is a sweet and intimate thing to do. If you mean would it be an awkward position, then quite possibly if she doesn't turn her head toward you, so wait for the right moment. And if you meant could you do this to just any girl, then no, that would be awkward as this is definitely and intimate gesture.
Tips
- If you initiate a hug and she rejects it, don’t stress! It happens from time to time.Thanks
- Have good hygiene. Unless you just finished a game of ultimate Frisbee (or other vigorous activity), if your body or breath smells bad, she may not have fond memories of the hug.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201603/7-basic-rules-hugging
- ↑ https://www.antiviolenceproject.org/2019/01/do-you-want-to-hug/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201603/7-basic-rules-hugging
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201603/7-basic-rules-hugging
- ↑ https://www.science.org/content/article/how-hug-according-science
- ↑ https://www.latimes.com/lifestyle/story/2022-11-22/how-to-deal-with-unwanted-hugs
- ↑ https://www.operationwarm.org/newsroom/blog.html/article/2017/07/06/50-nice-things-to-say-to-a-friend
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-comfort-someone/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201603/7-basic-rules-hugging
About This Article
Hugging a girl is a great way to show affection, whether you like her as just a friend or something more. If she’s a girl you like romantically, wait for a moment when you’re both feeling relaxed and comfortable together. Try to get a sense of how she feels by keeping an eye on her body language. If she makes eye contact, smiles, and leans in close to you while you’re talking, she may be interested in getting cozy with you. Just to be sure, you can say something like, “Is it okay if I hug you?” or “I’d really love to hug you right now.” If you get the green light, lock eyes with her, smile, and move in close. Then, slowly reach out and put your arms around her. Depending on how tall she is, you can either reach down and put your arms around her waist or wrap them around her shoulders. Keep the hug warm and close, and let it linger for a few moments. The longer the hug, the more romantic and intimate it will feel, so you might want to keep it a little shorter if it’s a first date or you’re not sure how she feels about you yet. When you’re done, gently pull back. If you want, you can hold her hands for a moment or reach up to stroke her hair before you completely break contact. As you get more comfortable with her, try mixing it up with different kinds of hugs. For instance, you can try standing beside her and slipping an arm around her waist, or put your arms around her from behind and give her a kiss on the cheek. If you’re going for a friendly hug instead of a romantic one, keep it low-key and casual. Smile at her and approach with your arms open so she knows you’re going for a hug. You can even say something like, “Come here, gimme a hug!” Lean in and wrap your arms around her, letting your hands rest between her shoulder blades. This will feel less intimate than a hug around her waist. If you want, you can also give her a quick pat on the back. To keep the hug from feeling awkward, don’t hold it for more than a couple seconds, especially if you don’t know her that well. When you’re done, step back and gently release her. Whether it’s friendly or romantic, respect her wishes if she pulls away or says “no” to a hug. If she likes you but isn’t a hugger, you can always try alternatives like a handshake, a fist bump, or a high-five. For more tips, including how to learn different hugging positions, read on!
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