How to Handle an Ex Who Harasses You

After a relationship, many former partners find themselves in a gray area. Are my ex’s continued advances an annoyance, or do they legally constitute harassment? The answer to this question may not be simple. However, there are ways to test it, and warning signs to look out for. The courses of action for dealing with innocent attempts at resuming your relationship and criminal harassment are quite different. However, there are basic steps you should take in either case.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Identifying the Degree of Harassment

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1
Differentiate between criminal harassment and pestering. Assault, abuse, threats, and even stalking are considered punishable criminal offenses.^{[1]XResearch source} If you are being subjected to one of these forms of harassment, report your ex to the authorities immediately. They will keep an eye on your ex and even issue a restraining order. On the other hand, your ex may not be doing any physical or emotional harm, but simply hasn’t accepted the break-up. If the latter is the case, there are steps you can take to make it more comfortable while they come to terms with the separation.
- A restraining order places restrictions on their interactions with you. If they violate the restraining order, they could be arrested.
- Many states have a legal distinction between civil harassment and domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is between close family members and people currently or formerly in a romantic relationship. Civil harassment is between 2 people who are not and have never been close family members or romantically involved. However, the illegal behavior is the same – assault, abuse, threats, stalking, and other physically and emotionally harmful behaviors.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Abuse can be physical or emotional. Hitting, shouting, and insults are examples of abuse. Broadly defined, it is harm done to you.
- Threats of abuse can be just as harmful emotionally. They can be expressed or simply implied.
- Pestering may just be repeated calls or emails to you. If your ex is simply calling you often to find out what you are thinking about them, it may not constitute harassment yet.
2
Keep track of your ex’s behavior. If the harassment gets worse, you might change your mind to see the authorities. They will need to know some details about your ex’s exact behaviors. Keeping track of them, even writing them down, is a good idea in case you feel their attempts at contacting you may turn violent.
- Who, what, when, where, and why – these are basic details any authority figure will ask about up front.
- How often is it happening?
- Are you alone when they harass you?
- Have you told them that their advances are unwelcome?
- Is there hard evidence of their harassment? It may not be necessary to have criminal charges brought against them without physical evidence of harassment, but it would make it an open-and-shut case.
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3
Tell them their behavior is unwelcome. It may seem obvious to you, but vocalizing your fear and discomfort to them may get them to stop. It is also the first step in legal recourse against their behavior. By establishing that you have told them to stop, their continued attempts at contacting or harming you become criminal offenses.
- Set limits on how often (or if) they can contact you, and on what terms.^{[3]XExpert SourceAllison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 14 December 2020.}
- For example, try telling them, "I know you only want to spend more time with me, but I your repeated calls make me uncomfortable. I want you to stop calling me for at least 2 weeks. I'll get in touch with you if I need you." Putting a time frame on it may make it an easier pill for them to swallow. After 2 weeks, or however long you see fit, they may not be as obsessed with you any more.
4
Recognize when they are not trying to harm you. Not all ‘harassment’ is criminal or violent. It may just be residual feelings of infatuation gasping for air. Go easy on them while they come to terms with the break up. There is no need to contact the police about someone who is causing no harm.
- For example, an ex may try to bring you lunch at work. It is unwanted behavior, but they are only bringing you food. Remove yourself and your relationship from the story, and see their behavior in its most basic form.
5
Do the ‘reasonable person test.’ Imagine there are impartial bystanders witnessing or listening to your ex’s potentially abusive actions. Would they feel alarmed or contact an authority? If so, your ex's actions may be criminally punishable. It is important to figure out if they are a threat to your safety as soon as possible so you can contact the police before you get hurt.
- For example, imagine your last face-to-face. Did they raise their voice or act physically imposing, or imply future abuse? Did they use unfriendly language? If not, they may not be interested in taking their attempt to win you back any farther than asking you what they did wrong.

Part 2

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Dealing With a Persistent Ex

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1
Avoid them. If they are behaving generally rational, your ex’s advances are fueled by contact with you. Don’t give fuel to the fire. Try to avoid them whenever possible. This may be difficult if you work together or socialize in the same circles. Nonetheless, the more you can break off contact with them, the easier it should be to gradually come to terms with the break up.
- Block their phone number and all of their social media accounts, as well.^{[4]XExpert SourceAllison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 14 December 2020.}
- Take note if your ex intensifies their attempts see you after you break off contact. This irrational behavior may be a sign of criminal harassment or even psychosis. If they become more desperate or abusive, contact the police immediately.
2
Tell your friends and family. It is important that you have a support network in times like these.^{[5]XExpert SourceAllison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 14 December 2020.} Keeping others aware of your ex’s behavior will also serve as an impartial judge of whether they cross the line. Have them check in with you regularly to make sure you are okay and the pestering hasn’t intensified to abusive harassment.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceNational Domestic Violence HotlineOrganization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuseGo to source}
- If you don't have family and friends who support you, focus on loving yourself.^{[7]XExpert SourceAllison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 14 December 2020.}
3
Don’t respond to their communication. If they leave you messages/texts that make your blood boil, take a moment before doing anything. It is probably best not to respond at all, and let their feelings for you suffocate. Alternately, you may think that will only make them more determined to getting in touch with you. If so, keep your comments and responses as brief as possible. Communicate to them that you no longer wish to have a romantic relationship.
- If they won't stop texting you, try a quick message like, " I don't want to date you. Please stop sending these texts."
- Don't worry about being polite—if someone is harassing, intimidating, or abusing you, you don't owe them that!^{[8]XExpert SourceAllison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 14 December 2020.}
4
Create a new email filter or account. Until this blows over, you may want to avoid seeing their correspondence. Most email clients make it easy to filter out unwanted messages. However, if you don’t even want to be confronted with the possibility of opening their email, you might create a new temporary email account. Share the address only with those you need to contact, and tell them why. Making sure your ex doesn’t find out this email address will create a safe space for you.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceNational Domestic Violence HotlineOrganization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuseGo to source}
- For a step-by-step guide to creating an email filter, see this.
Their phone calls and voice messages will be harder to ignore than their emails. This will be a major source of stress for you until the issue is resolved. Luckily, it is easy to block phone numbers. Look at this guide for instructions on how to do this with a variety of phone carriers.
If your ex is part of one of your circles of friends, take this as an opportunity to explore new forms of entertainment and cultivate new friendships. It is unlikely that all your old friends break off contact with you unless they have a reason to. Nonetheless, take the stress off of your interactions with them by keeping a safe distance. They will appreciate you keeping them out of the dispute as well.
7
Keep interactions short. Sometimes you cannot avoid direct contact with an ex. Try to keep the contact brief and public. They are unlikely to do anything abusive with others around, and it should make you more comfortable. If they do cross the line to harassment, others will be around to step in or at least act as witnesses.
- Acting stressed or hysterical may make your ex feel like they need to ‘help’ you. By having calm, public interactions with them, they may see your happiness and not want to disturb it. After all, if they truly cared for you, they would want you to prosper even if it meant leaving you alone.

Expert Q&A

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Question
What do you do when your ex won't leave you alone?
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Once harassment or any types of intimidation, cruelty, or abuse show up in your relationship, you no longer owe that person any social etiquette. Block their telephone number and access on social media and set limits verbally or via text or email. Then, focus on healing yourself.
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Question
How should I deal with harassment from my ex?
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Ask for support from friends or family, and surround yourself with things that help you remember how much you are loved. If you don't have that, focus on loving yourself.
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Warnings

If you feel threatened or unsafe at any point, contact the police immediately.
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If you are considering changing your locks or moving, their behavior is most likely abusive. Their threats don't have to be vocalized for you to get the message. Contact the police immediately.
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Keep the life cycle of a relationship in mind. It takes everyone longer to get over a break up – hence your acceptance compared to their rejection. For some people who get dumped, it will be several weeks or months before they are back to normal. Some need much longer, even years. The length of this period depends on how long you were together and how intimate you were. If it has only been days or weeks since your break up, your ex’s will to resume the relationship is natural. They may be hurting. Avoid reporting them to the police unless they are being violent or abusive because it will hurt them even more.
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