How to Get over a Guy Who Is Using You for Sex

Getting over someone who used you for sex is hard. It's hard to accept that the feelings you had for someone were not necessarily returned. To get over a guy, start by limiting contact. Stop calling, texting, and emailing. Manage your emotions. Allow yourself to grieve, but remember it's not your fault if someone did not want the same type of relationship you did. You probably just wanted different things. Lastly, stay busy. New hobbies and goals can prevent you from returning to a negative situation.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Limiting Contact

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1
Stop contacting him. If someone is clearly only using you for sex, you should not keep reaching out to them. If more of a relationship was going to develop, it would have by now. Once you realize you're not getting what you want from a situation, stop contacting the person in question.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Do not see the person at social events, text him, or call him. If you feel the temptation to reach out to him, do something for yourself or hang out with another friend. You might make an agreement with another friend that whenever you feel tempted to contact him, you contact your friend instead.
- In some cases, it's not possible to completely cut someone off. If you work or go to school with the guy, for example, you may need to see him. If this is the case, keep interactions short and to the point. Do not engage in small talk.
2
Ignore late night texts and phone calls. If a guy is using you for sex, he may text or call late at night. You may get a text message at 1 AM, for example, asking if you're still awake. This is a sign the guy wants to come over for sex. Do not answer these texts. It will only prolong the situation, resulting in you getting hurt more. Start simply ignoring this kind of contact.^{[2]XResearch source}
- If the guy keeps sending these types of texts after you've ignored them for a while, text him something like, "I don't want this kind of relationship anymore. Please stop texting me."
- When someone is used to a certain behavior and getting a certain reward and this suddenly stops working, they will often try harder for a time before giving up. Stand firm. They will eventually move on.
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3
Cut off social media contact. The social media connection can be difficult to sever. Oftentimes, we hang on to past lovers via things like Facebook and Twitter; however, research indicates checking up on someone online will only prolong your anguish. Block or delete him on social media profiles, or at least unfollow him.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Sometimes, it's very tempting to check an ex's social media; however, doing so will not result in you feeling better, so do your best to not indulge in the practice. Each time you are tempted to click on his profile, remind yourself it will only result in you feeling bad and set you back in your efforts to get over him.
- You will probably slip up a few times in regards to checking your ex's profile. If this happens, do not beat yourself up. Remember that no one is perfect.
- Consider taking a break from social media altogether until you are feeling stronger. This can help you focus on other activities and practice good self-care.
- Another option is to just delete these apps from your phone, leaving only the less convenient option of using your computer.

Part 2

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Managing Your Emotions

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Allow yourself to experience your feelings. No one likes to feel bad after being rejected; however, it's impossible to bounce back from being hurt without experiencing some negativity. In the wake of ceasing contact with the guy, allow yourself to feel your feelings instead or denying or trying to bury them.^{[4]XResearch source}
- This can be a painful,confusing experience. Be compassionate with yourself as you sort through your emotions.^{[5]XExpert SourceSamantha Fox, MS, LMFT
  Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 19 January 2021.}
- Remember that being sad sometimes is a normal part of life. People may tell you to cheer up or go get over it long before you are ready, but it's okay to be sad for a little while.
- Take a few minutes each day to simply experience your feelings, good and bad. This will allow you to heal. Try journaling or talking to a trusted friend to help you process these emotions. It is important to honor your feelings — this will help you heal.
2
Be realistic about what the relationship was. You won't be able to get over a guy unless you accept what your relationship was. If you're still indulging the notion that he was maybe interested in more than sex, you're only prolonging the grieving period. Own up to the fact you were used, even if it's painful. When you can acknowledge that this person wasn't interested in you beyond a sexual encounter, it can help you accept that they weren't the right person for you.^{[6]XExpert SourceSamantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 19 January 2021.}
- In the wake of rejection, people often have unrealistic thoughts about the importance of a relationship. You may find yourself thinking everything would be easier if he had not rejected you. Remind yourself there's no such thing as perfect.
- What would have happened if you had gotten together in a more romantic sense? There would still have been difficulties and fights, and you may very well have broken up. The fact is, the guy was not interested in more than sex and, even if he were, he may not have made a very good partner.
3
Recognize it isn't your fault. In the wake of rejection, it's easy to spend time ruminating over what you did "wrong." You may think things like, "Why doesn't he want to be with me? What's wrong with me?" Try to ignore these types of thoughts. The fact is, there are many reasons someone may not feel for another person romantically. It likely has little to do with you.^{[7]XExpert SourceSamantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 19 January 2021.}
- There are many reasons, most of which are not personal, that a guy may have not had romantic interest in you. Maybe he liked you and was attracted to you, but felt like you were on different paths in life. Maybe he's not in a place where he can handle a romantic relationship. Maybe he simply prefers a different type of woman for romances than he does for casual encounters.
- Whatever the reason, it probably has nothing to do with you as a person. You might have rejected people before and it likely wasn't because there was something wrong with them. They simply were not your type.
- It can be helpful to think of this as one experience in the journey of life — not as something absolute. It is easier to deal with feelings of regret if you feel that they serve a purpose.
4
Take note of his bad qualities. Sometimes, it can be helpful to remember the things you disliked about someone when trying to get over a romantic rejection. Even embracing small flaws can remind you the relationship, and the guy, were not perfect.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Think about everything about him that bothered you. Maybe he talked about himself too much. Maybe he returned texts using brief, one word answers. Maybe you didn't like the same books or movies.
- You can also focus on petty things. Maybe you hated his haircut or he never clipped his toenails.
- Write these down and review them regularly. You may even post them on your mirror or somewhere you will see them frequently. This will help keep you from idealizing the relationship.
5
Reword your feelings in neutral terms. When you start to feel angry or bitter, take note of your feelings. You don't want to harbor feelings of resentment. While it's okay to think about things that bothered you, do not let these feelings translate into bitter, mean thoughts. Such thoughts should be translated to neutral assessments of the situation.^{[9]XResearch source}
- For example, you think something like, "He's such a jerk. I was way too good for him." Rephrase that in neutral terms for a more realistic evaluation of the situation. For example, "We clearly wanted different things and were on different paths."

Part 3

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Keeping Yourself Busy

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1
Write out your feelings. If you want to keep busy, it may be easier to do so once you get negative feelings out of your head. Get a pen and paper and jot down what you're feeling for a little bit each day. Then, once your feelings are out, you can focus your energy elsewhere.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Make a list of everything he did to disappoint you. For example, write things like, "He never held my hand in public" and "He didn't want to call me his girlfriend."
- Once you're done, set the list aside and try to focus your energy somewhere else.
2
Give yourself something to do. In the wake of a breakup, you may find yourself constantly thinking about what went wrong and why. It can be helpful to have new goals. This will help you stay busy and avoid thinking about him.^{[11]XResearch source}
- It is important to strike a balance between activity/distraction and rest/reflection. Thinking about it too much can result in depression, but running away from it can keep you from healing.
- Think about something you always wanted to do. For example, did you always want to take up running? Try developing a workout routine that will teach you to run.
- People often become obsessive over past lovers. Sometimes, the easiest way to beat one obsession is to replace it with another.
3
Keep your mind in the present. Try to stay present instead of lingering over what happened in the past. At any given moment, keep your mind on what you're feeling and experiencing right now.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Try to enjoy the small day to day things. Even something as simple as eating a great lunch should be savored.
- If you find yourself thinking about your ex, stop and think something like, "That was then. I'm going to focus on what I'm doing and how I'm feeling right now."
- You can use grounding techniques to get off the hamster wheel of thinking about him and bring you into the present. Look around and name five things you see. Five colors. Five textures. Close your eyes and identify what you hear or smell.
4
Take care of yourself. Self care is important, especially after someone hurt you. Do not neglect the normal rituals of eating right, exercising, and caring for yourself overall.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Keep up with personal hygiene. Even if you feel like lingering in bed all day, get up, shower, and brush your teeth.
- Stay on track with your exercise routine as best as you can. If you're feeling really down, reduce your routine. For example, go for a brisk walk instead of a jog.
- Eat right. Binging on junk food may be tempting when you're feeling down, but it's unlikely to make you feel better.

Expert Q&A

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Question
Why do I get attached to people I sleep with?
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy.
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Feelings can easily develop when we sexually connect with someone because we're very vulnerable. It's important to take responsibility for what our minds are telling us and what the sex is really about. Otherwise, it's likely we'll end up feeling hurt and like we were used or tricked.
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Question
How do I stop feeling used?
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy.
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Let in the reality about the other person and their lack of interest beyond the sexual act. That can inform you that this person is not the right person for you, and that they have something that is keeping them from developing a deeper intimate connection.
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Question
Is it my fault that I got used for sex?
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy.
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
No, but often we do blame ourselves for this, thinking we aren't good enough or attractive enough to keep this person interested. Be curious about these parts of yourself that are telling you these stories. Can you develop compassion for them? With time, we can come to understand what was triggered in us that caused us to latch onto this person, and we can begin to let go and move on.
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