How to Get a Guy to Forgive You (for Girls)

Apologizing can be hard, especially if you've done something you really regret. Nonetheless, if you're in a relationship with a guy, you can do some things to help him to forgive you. One of the main things, of course, is offering him a sincere apology.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Facing What You Did

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When you do something wrong, you first have to admit it to yourself. It's human nature to want to make it better in your mind by coming up with excuses, explaining away what you did.^{[1]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} However, if you're going to ask someone to forgive you, you need to first admit to yourself that what you did was wrong and not try to explain it away.^{[2]XResearch source}
That is, step away from any emotion that is going to make you want to offer excuses. If you were angry when you did what you did, you'll likely want to offer that as an excuse. However, you can't truly apologize until you accept sole responsibility for what you did. It's his job to accept any responsibility he played in the scene.
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You shouldn't read your apology to your guy. However, writing out what you want to say can make it easier to stop yourself from explaining your actions or excusing yourself. Focus on taking responsibility and making amends.^{[3]XResearch source}

Part 2

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Talking With Your Guy

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It's in most people's nature to put off things they don't want to do. However, you should apologize sooner rather than later. If you wait, your guy is only going to get angrier or more hurt.
Don't try to apologize when your guy is sitting down to a football game or reading a good book. Choose a time when he's not distracted by something else, and ask if you can talk. If he already knows what you've done, he probably can guess what the conversation will be about. If you need to confess, it might not be as easy for him to guess.^{[4]XResearch source}
3
Show regret. That means that you convey with your tone and attitude that you are sincerely sorry for what you did. Don't try to laugh it away, or play it off with a joke. Look him in the eye, and with a serious tone, say you're sorry.
- For instance, you could say, "I'm truly, truly sorry about what I did."
- Reader Poll: We asked 509 How.com.vn readers how they would say sorry to a partner after an argument to earn their forgiveness, and 83% said they would apologize and take responsibility for their actions. [Take Poll]
4
Take responsibility.^{[5]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Also, you need to accept that what you did was wrong in the presence of your guy. That means naming what you did wrong to acknowledge that you know what you did.^{[6]XResearch source}
- As an example, you could say, "I know that when I made a joke at your expense I hurt your feelings. I should've thought before I spoke. I know you're sensitive about that issue."
5
Talk about how you could do better. Finally, you have to acknowledge how you could do better in the future. This part is how you start to make the situation better. You can't take back what you did, but you can talk about how you intend to change your behavior in the future.
- As the end of the apology, you could say, "Next time, I'll try to bite my tongue before I speak. You deserve better from me. I love and respect you, and I want to show you that with my actions."
6
Let him respond.^{[7]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If this conversation is the first he's heard about it, he's probably going to be angry. Let him give voice to his anger, but don't try to offer a defense. He needs a chance to talk about it. Even if he did know about what you're apologizing about, he still needs a chance to talk about what he's feeling and why. Give him an opportunity to speak about why what you did hurt him.^{[8]XResearch source}
- You can give him a space to talk by saying, "How do you feel about what I've said?"
7
Acknowledge his feelings. Finally, show that you understand what he's feeling. Show you are listening and that you understand why he's upset.^{[9]XResearch source}
- One way you can show you're listening is by repeating back what he's said. That is, you can say, "What I hear you saying is that me making jokes like that makes you feel belittled and disrespected. I totally understand that, and you are totally valid in feeling that way."^{[10]XResearch source}

Part 3

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Moving On

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Sometimes, when someone is really hurt or angry, he just needs some time to process what's happened. He might want to take a few days or even a week to think about what you've done, and that's okay. He needs that time to get in the right head space.^{[11]XResearch source}
If you are trying to get someone to forgive you, you can't argue your way to that end. In other words, once you've said you're sorry, leave the discussion alone. You are not going to convince him by arguing that you are in the right.^{[12]XResearch source}
^{[13]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If you feel like you need to do something to show you're sorry, surprise him. You can bake cookies or get him a present that you know will mean something to him. Doing something thoughtful can show you still care.
4
Realize everyone makes mistakes. You need your guy to forgive you, of course, to move on in the relationship. However, you also need to forgive yourself. Everyone does bad things sometimes, and in the grand scheme of things, what you did was probably not that bad. Even if it was, you still shouldn't blame yourself forever. Give yourself permission to stop feeling bad about it.
- That doesn't mean you should completely forget about it. You should definitely use what you've learned to do better in the future.
As much as you'd like to make it true, no one has an obligation to forgive someone else. It may be that you just have to learn from this mistake and move on with someone else.^{[14]XResearch source}

Expert Q&A

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Question
What should I say to someone who won't forgive me?
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Make sure you're being completely open and honest with them about how you're feeling so they know you're being authentic.
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Tips

If you're worried that you'll cry when you apologize, don't be. It just shows you're truly sorry.
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Make sure you give him space before you ask him to forgive you. If you don't, he won't have had any time to think.
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