How to Get Your Ex Back Fast

Made a big mistake? It's not too late. You can learn how to get back together quickly and get your relationship back on track if you ended it prematurely, or if you were dumped and want to make changes to fix the problem. Either way, you can learn to fix the problem quickly, avoid common mistakes, and make it last.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Fixing the Problem Quickly

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1
Get in touch. If you want to get someone back quickly, your first task is getting them to talk to you again. That can sometimes be the toughest part. You want to be sincere and swift, without trying to come off as desperate or needy.^{[1]XExpert SourceConnell Barrett
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 18 February 2021}
- If you were dumped, give your partner at least 24 hours to cool down before you go back. They need some time to cool down.
- If you did the dumping, get in touch as quickly as possible to let your partner know how you messed up. Call them now and apologize.
- If you send a text message, make it short and keep it simple. A short "thinking of you" is better than a paragraph expressing your deep, passionate love. Only do this once or twice a day, at the most.
- Be careful about just showing up at someone's door. This isn't usually advisable, and can come off as stalking behavior. If you're not welcome, don't just show up at an ex's door.
2
Admit your mistake(s). Tell your ex that you messed up. Say that you know what went wrong in the relationship, specifically focusing on your role. It's not the time to call out your partner or try to be blunt about the challenges you face. If you want them back fast, just say it: "I was wrong, and I'm sorry".^{[2]XResearch source}
- If your ex messed up, let them know you forgive them. Be willing to work it out.
- Be genuine and be honest. If you're not actually sorry, why are you trying to get your ex back anyway? Make sure you're not wasting your time.
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3
Show your ability to change. Knowing where you went wrong isn't enough. Let your ex see you take the first steps toward a positive change. Start taking those steps, now. Be willing to commit.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Some serious problems may not have easy solution. Instead of focusing on these issues, show that you can change by working on the things that can be fixed immediately. For example, you could start seeing a therapist or reading self-help books.^{[4]XExpert SourceLisa Shield
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 11 March 2021}
- If you were a heavy smoker and your ex hated it, try to quit. Let your ex witness the attempt. Show them that you've already changed.
4
Explain how important your partner is to you. Explain to your ex how much better your life is when it involves them. Describe how much you love your ex. Be open and honest, without straying into fake flattery.
- Tell your partner how the relationship changed you for the better. Tell them about the things your relationship taught you and the faults your relationship had started to correct.
- Don't get desperate. Telling your ex that you can't live without her or that no other man will ever compare to him is too dramatic. It'll sound fake.^{[5]XResearch source}
5
Focus on good memories. Remind your ex of the positives in your relationship.^{[6]XExpert SourceConnell Barrett
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 18 February 2021} You can't ignore the problems you had, but try to rekindle the good memories.
- Discuss the things about your relationship that did work. What was strong about the relationship? What was deserving of attention?
6
Do something romantic. Kindhearted gestures are a good idea. You want your ex to see your thoughtful side. It's a simple way to show how much you care and how serious you are about getting back together. Send flowers, candy, or cook a favorite meal.
- Write a love letter. Put pen to paper and write out your feelings in the most honest way possible. An old-fashioned love letter is much more personal than a text or e-mail.
7
Put your ex's needs first. Throughout the entire process, you need to put your ex's needs and desires above your own. Be sincere.
- Make time for your ex. Let your partner know that continuing your relationship is a high priority on your list of things to do.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Listen when your ex speaks. Be excited for your ex when he or she tells you about something great that happened. Let your ex talk without interrupting or changing the topic.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Making it Work

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1
Make sure getting back together is a good idea. Be honest with yourself. If your desire to get back together is about pride or blind emotion, you might want to rethink the decision. Is this relationship worth saving?^{[8]XResearch source}
- Don't rush. As a general rule, you should give yourself a full two weeks to think things through. If your ex moves on during that time, there wasn't much of a relationship to save, anyway.
2
Look at things from your ex's perspective. If you've gotten your ex to at least speak to you again, there's still probably a lot more work to do with the relationship. Start working it out and try to understand how your ex felt, and feels.
- There are two sides to every dispute. You know your own side of the story well enough, but if you want to convince your ex to get back together with you, you'll need to understand their side of things, too.
- If you lied to your ex and it led to your breakup, ask yourself how you would feel if it happened to you. Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
3
Give your partner some space. Don't force your way into your ex's life when they want you to stay away. Move at their speed.
- While you might think that space will slow the relationship down, it can actually bring your ex around faster when all is said and done. By giving your ex time and space to breathe, you allow them to calm down and think things through sooner.
- Stalking includes both physical stalking and cyber stalking. Your ex will let you know about things they want you to know about. Going out of your way to learn more can seem desperate and creepy.
4
Stay positive. When you talk to your ex about getting back together, do so calmly and in a positive tone. Never try to push your ex back into a relationship if he or she really doesn't want it.
- A better option is to have a serious yet relaxed attitude. You need to make sure that your ex knows you're serious in your intentions, but speaking to you should be easy and free of pressure.
5
Try not to slip into the friend zone. Staying friends with your ex is great if you can manage it, but if you want to get back together, you need to offer your partner more than just friendship.^{[9]XResearch source}
- It's okay to be a friend to your ex. Listen to his or her concerns and support your ex as a friend would. The strongest relationships are usually built on a deep sense of friendship.
- Don't stop with being just a friend, though. You won't win your ex back simply by being friends with him or her. You need to make an effort at rekindling the romance, too.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Avoiding Common Mistakes

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1
Never beg. Even if you feel desperate, you shouldn't let your ex think you are. Keep your dignity throughout the process, and don't make it seem as though your ex will be doing you a favor by agreeing to get together again.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Emotional strength and maturity are naturally attractive to both sexes. Begging either comes across as being weak or manipulative, and neither attribute is an especially alluring one.
2
Don't be a doormat. You need to let your ex know that their needs come first, but if your ex becomes too demanding and unreasonable, you need to know when to walk away.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Remember your own self-worth. Even if you messed up before, it doesn't give your ex the right to take advantage of you.
- An ex who treats you like a doormat will usually only use you and eventually throw you away. Even if your ex does come back to you under these conditions, he or she won't respect you, and the relationship won't be a healthy one.
3
Don't make yourself seem too pitiful. Don't make it seem as though your ex was the only good thing in your life. It's okay to feel upset about the breakup and to let your ex see it, but you also need to show your ex that you are capable of surviving without them.
- Don't continually post sad updates to all of your social media accounts or make a show out of letting everyone around you know that you feel miserable.
- It's better to show your ex that you're getting your life back together after the destruction of the breakup. Remember that emotional strength and resilience are attractive qualities.
4
Don't freak out if your ex starts dating someone else. You might think that things are permanently over when your ex starts seeing someone new, but this isn't necessarily true. Panicking over the change in your ex's relationship status and attacking him or her for it will drive your ex further away, though.
- If your ex starts to date someone else immediately after your breakup, that relationship is probably a rebound and usually won't last for very long.
- On the other hand, it's also possible that your ex ended things with you to be together with this other person. In this case, getting back together with your ex is probably a bad idea, anyway.

Expert Q&A

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Question
Does getting back together ever work?
Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.
Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
It can, but you have to be willing to put in the long-term work. If your relationship didn't pan out, there were probably issues, drama, and problems getting the way. Sometimes couples are so focused on "getting back together" that they don't see how dysfunctional their relationship actually is.
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Question
What should I say to get my ex back?
Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
Try asking them out on a date or a get-together so you can talk things over and rekindle the relationship.
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Question
How do I make my ex miss me?
Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
Try showing them pictures of times you were together to remind them about how positive and happy they felt about you.
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