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This article was co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
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You are interested in a shy girl and want to flirt with her to test the waters but aren’t sure how to break the ice. You're not sure if she likes you, and it could be that she's too nervous or afraid to make the first move or to flirt back. If you’ve got your eye on a shy girl, there are a few techniques you can try to get closer to her and get her to open up so she sees you as more than just a stranger or a friend.
Steps
Strike up a conversation. Keep this interaction casual - she could be intimidated if you come on too strong. Introduce yourself if this is your first time talking to her. You can point out something you saw her doing that you also like to do or compliment her.[1]- You might say something as simple as “Hi, my name is Michael. I see you at the library every day, what are you studying?” or “You gave a great presentation! What inspired you to research that topic? My name is Sarah, by the way.”
Ask her open-ended questions. This will keep the conversation going and allow her to open up and share things about herself. You can ask her anything from how her day was to the kind of music she listens to what her favorite restaurant is. Figure out which questions to ask depending on the context of the conversation - you don’t want to ask a series of completely unrelated questions in a row, as this could confuse her.[2]- Ask questions that start with “how” or “why” to elicit more detailed responses.
- Take note of her interests so that, if you get to the point of dating, you can arrange dates that are exciting for her.
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Take interest in her interests. Figure out what she likes, from bands to movies to hobbies to sports, to draw her out of her shell. You can do this by asking her questions about herself during your conversations and also by sharing with her your likes and dislikes. Figure out areas of common interest and chat her up about them. Recognize that she may give short answers and not open up at first. However, if you give her time and are persistent, she will probably warm up to and even express excitement about talking to you about her interests.- One way to talk to the girl you like about common interests is to say: “I loved Finding Dory too! It was so fun to see all the characters again. What was your favorite part of the movie?”
- If you go to the same school, you might even ask her for help with a homework problem. This will give you an opportunity to spend more time together.
Take your time. Patience is key when flirting with a shy girl. Stay in her comfort zone by being friendly, asking her questions about herself and sharing details about yourself, and showing just enough interest in her that she doesn’t shy away from you. If at first she is only comfortable saying “hi” to you, spend a week doing just that. The next week, ask her a question about her day. Gradually increase the amount of communication.[3]- Reader Poll: We asked 499 How.com.vn readers how they would approach an introverted girl to show you’re interested, and 74% said they would get to know her as a friend first. [Take Poll]
Increase the amount of time you spend together. Find excuses to be near her, such as sitting with her at lunch or next to her in class or working with her on a project. If you know she goes to the gym in the morning, go at the same time as her so that you can talk, even if just to say a quick hello. You want her to see you as a regular presence in her life.[4]- Be careful not to overdo it by going wherever she goes. All you need to do to create a sense of familiarity is pick a few strategic moments every week to be near her and make your presence known.
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How.com.vn Quiz: Does She Like Me?
Approach her alone. One-on-one contact is better for flirting with a shy girl than approaching her when you’re with a group, which might intimidate her. Separate from your group of friends and find some time to talk to the girl you like when you’re both alone.- If you’re in school, this may mean talking to her by her locker or as she’s walking to her car.
Compliment her. She may be shy, but she’ll likely appreciate your taking notice of her new haircut or her cute shirt. Even better, point out a non-physical attribute about her that you like, such as her kindness, cheerfulness, or her sense of humor. This will build up her confidence and make her feel more secure around you.[5]
Suggest an activity you can do together. This will allow you to spend more time with her and to build up your relationship as she gets to know you more. Suggest something simple like grabbing lunch together during recess or going out to a movie with friends, if you see that she’s comfortable in groups.[6]- Don’t aim for date-like situations. All you want to do for now is find opportunities to allow you to get to know each other. Dating, for a shy girl, may be a concept that she needs to warm up to, and warming up includes getting to know the person she might go on a date with.
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Break the touch barrier. Lightly touch her arm, shoulder, or hand as you speak - just a second or two will start to get your message across. Touch her gently when she says something you agree with or says something funny.
Keep your body language open. Face her with your entire body and lean in to listen closer if she speaks softly. This will get her comfortable with less physical distance between the two of you. However, if she pulls away, pull away as well so as not to seem intimidating.[7]- Refrain from crossing your arms. If she’s paying close attention to your movements, she could mistake this as you showing a lack of interest.
Hold eye contact. Do this for just a few seconds, just enough that she catches you looking and looks away. Eye contact is a powerful tool to make her intrigued by you. At first you may just exchange quick glances, but over time you can extend the length of your eye contact if she reciprocates.[8]
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Notice whether she flirts back. A shy girl won't just flirt with anyone, so you can be sure she is interested in you if you see that she tries to flirt back. She may flirt back by making more frequent eye contact, liking your statuses on social media, initiating small talk, or displaying flirty body language cues.[9]
Be consistent. Somebody who is shy may need reinforcement that you are serious about pursuing them. What you want to do is send her multiple consistent signals so that she is sure that you are flirting with her.- If you said hi to her yesterday, say hi to her today. If you smiled at her when you crossed paths in the cafeteria, smile at her again so that she doesn’t think you were just being polite. Try to make eye contact multiple times. She will get your hints if you repeat them a few times.
Give her time. It may take her time, like a few weeks or even a month or two, to warm up to the idea of flirting or being flirted with. She may take longer to recognize and acknowledge your cues.- Set an amount of time you're willing to try to break the ice. For example, tell yourself that if after two months of you flirting with her you are still not spending more time with each other, you will either move on or try a more direct flirting technique.
- If she does make it clear she's not interested, do respect her wishes.
Flirt via text message or social media. If you notice that she’s not responding to your body language cues, try flirting with her via text or social media. She may be less comfortable with or less used to in-person conversations than with replying through Facebook Messenger. Use texting as a way for her to get used to making small talk and having conversations with you. This way, she might open up in person as she becomes more comfortable with you over time.[10]
Vary your flirting style. See how she reacts to your different flirting methods. She may totally shut down when you try to hold eye contact but be talkative when you ask her a question about her hobbies. The goal is to be flexible and cater your flirting style to her comfort zone. You can then gradually move communication to a more mutual ground.
Identify whether she likes you or not. If she’s interested and receptive to your body language cues, she will likely respond with open body language. She may also get nervous around you and blush or stammer, both of which could mean that she’s into you. If she is nervous because she likes you, she might tease you or throw a joke into the conversation.- If she doesn’t like you, you will see her become uncomfortable with your gestures. Her body language will be closed, she might not make eye contact, and she might be even quieter than usual.
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Elvina Lui, MFTElvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
Relationship ExpertIf you think she is shy, my advice is to give her more time to show you that she likes you. If she's reserved, don't give up so fast. - QuestionHow do you flirt with shy people?Elvina Lui, MFTElvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
Relationship ExpertIf you think the person is shy, give them more time to show them that she likes them. You probably already know to not be pushy, but I also advise you not to give up so fast if you know they are reserved. Start with small steps that are low stakes like asking the person on a coffee date and then progress to “official” dates, like movies and dinner. Ask to hold their hand and don't lunge in for a kiss on the first date, or even the first few dates if you sense they are reserved. If they have been agreeing to go out on low key dates and holding your hand, then ask for more intimate dates and ask if you can kiss them.
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References
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-make-a-conversation-with-a-girl/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/05/the-surprising-power-of-questions
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
- ↑ https://www.southuniversity.edu/news-and-blogs/2016/08/the-psychology-behind-love-and-romance-70700
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-give-a-powerful-compliment
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/benefits-of-play-for-adults.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201404/5-secret-powers-eye-contact
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/flirting
About This Article
Relationship Expert
This article was co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. This article has been viewed 367,863 times.
Co-authors: 27
Updated: March 29, 2024
Views: 367,863
Categories: Youth Flirting
Article SummaryX
While flirting with a shy girl might make you nervous, you can get closer to her by being patient and friendly. When you approach her, don’t come on too strong. Instead, introduce yourself and give her a compliment about something you saw her do or accomplish. If she seems interested, keep the conversation going by asking open-ended questions that allow her to open up about her interests and opinions. For example, questions that start with “how” or “why” usually get more detailed responses. While you're chatting, let her know you're interested by maintaining eye contact and leaning in close to listen to her. However, if she pulls away or doesn’t respond positively to your advances, respect her space and try just being friends. For more tips from our co-author, including how to know whether she likes you back, read on!
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