How to Find a Queer Relationship in High School

Dating in high school is hard for everyone, but the stakes are even higher when you identify as a queer teen. You know you want to enter into a romantic relationship, but you’re not sure where to start. Figuring out your romantic options may be challenging when almost everyone you know is straight identifying, but it’s not impossible, and if you continue to put yourself out there, eventually you will find a person to share your soul with.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Meeting Other Queer Teens in High School

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1
Decide whether or not you want to be out. Deciding to come out to your friends and family is a big step forward, but it's not necessarily one you have to make right now. If you feel comfortable coming out, do it. You will find people who love and support you and it will also be a lot easier to find and enter into a queer relationship.^{[1]XResearch source}
- If you don't feel comfortable coming out yet, that's okay too! The most important thing is to come out when you feel ready.
- If you're looking for a compromise, come out, but only to your closest friends and family.
2
Join your high school’s LGBTQ group. If your school already has an LGBTQ club, getting involved is an easy way to meet and surround yourself with fellow queer teens.^{[2]XExpert SourceKateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 September 2021.} Not only will you find a support network within the group, you will have access to fellow students who are already out, and, like you, presumably looking for a relationship.^{[3]XResearch source}
- If your school does not have an LGBTQ club already in place, consider working with an advisor to start one.
- Even if you don’t click with anyone in your club, chances are your friends have their own gay friends. Try to meet as many as you can and see if you find someone you’re attracted to.
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3
Get involved in your school’s music and art program. Many theater and art programs value diversity, allow for creativity, and give people a chance to escape the problems in their everyday lives. By auditioning for plays, joining your school’s chorus or volunteering for stage crew, you put yourself in a position to potentially meet other gay teens, plus, you may avoid much of the homophobia that is traditionally found in more mainstream high school experiences.^{[4]XResearch source}
- As you continue to get involved in theater and the arts, look for programs outside your high school to extend your network.
- Keep in touch with your older friends after they graduate. Visit them at college and meet their friends – you may click with someone you meet on campus.
4
Do the things you like to do. Statistically speaking, there are other gay teens in your high school – they just might not know it or feel comfortable talking about it yet. Pursue the things you love in high school and chances are you’ll meet another gay teen who is similarly interested in the things you care about.^{[5]XExpert SourceKateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 September 2021.}^{[6]XResearch source}
- If you’re already out, you may find that closeted gay teens flock to you, simply because you’re approachable and represent something they desperately want. Be a good friend to them and it may turn into something more.
- If you’re not out, don’t worry. Come out when you’re comfortable and use this time to focus on your studies and developing your personality.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Meeting Other Queer Teens Outside of High School

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1
Make queer friends online. The Internet is an amazing tool and it has revolutionized how gay people can connect. Use Tumblr and Twitter to find people with similar interests as you. If you look up to a celebrity who is out, you might have luck meeting gay teens in the comment section of their YouTube or fan page.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Be careful when meeting people on the Internet. Never meet someone in person by yourself, unless it’s in a public place.
- Share your experiences online. Write about your own coming out, your struggles dating in your school. You may inspire other teens and that may lead to friendship and a relationship down the road.
2
Visit a big city. If you live in a small town, statistically speaking there are other gay people there, but there are probably not many. By visiting a big city, you open yourself up to way more options, plus, you get to see how diverse the world actually is.^{[8]XResearch source}
- If you live close to the city, try going in once a week to take a class and hang out. The more time you spend there, the greater the chance you’ll meet someone.
- If you live farther away, plan a vacation with either your family or your friends. Visit traditionally gay neighborhoods, where you’ll sometimes find youth centers that are designed to provide support for gay teenagers.
3
Go to concerts for gay musicians. There’s no such thing as gay music, but there are bands and singers that have large gay followings.^{[9]XExpert SourceKateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 September 2021.} Buy tickets to a show and try to make friends there – you already have the music in common, so right off the bat you have something to talk about.^{[10]XResearch source}
- If the band is a local band, make friends with the musicians. Then you’ll have a reason to keep coming back, plus, they’ll be able to introduce you to their own gay friends and fans.
4
Consider joining a special interest group. You are more likely to meet people who you can connect with if you share some of the same interests. Check out the options in your area to find some other queer people who you you will enjoy being around.^{[11]XResearch source}
- For example, if you are into reading, look for a book club. If you like soccer, join your school's soccer team or a team that is not affiliated with your school. If you like to go biking, look for a cycling group.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Taking Your Friendship to the Next Level

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1
Start flirting. Once you have met someone you’re interested in, the next step is to take the relationship up a notch. Start with some gentle flirting to get a sense for where your crush is at – if they aren’t interested, no big deal. At least now you know.^{[12]XResearch source}
- For some easy flirting, make eye contact, but hold the eye contact a little too long.
- Get physically close to your crush – if they don’t back up, they might be into you.
2
Ask if you are not sure is someone is interested in you. If you've flirted with your crush, but you're still not sure if they're into you, just ask. Even if they say no, they're bound to be flattered that you're into them. And if they are into you, they'll be thankful that you were brave enough to make the first move.^{[13]XResearch source}
- If your crush is into you, it's time to introduce touch. A simple touch can tell you a lot about what your crush is feeling towards you and if you have chemistry together.
- If your crush is not into you, don't hold it against them. They can't help who they're attracted to.
3
Ask your crush out. If you feel comfortable that your crush is also gay and also into you, then it’s time to make your move. Ask your crush to get coffee after school, or to hang out at your house and watch a movie. Start slow – you’re still getting to know each other.^{[14]XResearch source}
- If your crush turns you down, that’s okay. You may have misread the signs, or maybe they just got scared. Whatever the reason, it’s not the end of the world.
- Just because your crush isn’t into you romantically doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life. If you were friends before, go back to being friends.
4
Don’t date someone just because they are also gay. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn. You’ve gone through so much – you’ve found a fellow gay teen, you flirted and you successfully asked them out. But if it’s not working, don’t stay in the relationship. You’ll soon learn that the world is full of people just like you and one of them may be a better fit.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Don’t be scared of being alone – it won’t always be this way. But sometimes, being alone is better than being with the wrong person.
- Keep your chin up. Breakups are hard, but listening to music and letting yourself feel your feelings can make them easier.

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Don’t rush into anything you’re not ready for. Just because other people are dating in high school doesn’t mean you have to if you don’t want to.
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