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This article was co-authored by Marissa Floro, PhD. Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.
There are 15 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 84,594 times.
If you're a gay man in a small town who's recently come out, meeting friends or potential partners can seem impossible. But there are still ways to find friends and partners no matter where you are. You have a variety of options when it comes to meeting gay men: you can visit local gay clubs, organizations, or festivals, ask your straight friends to set you up with friends and partners, or try online groups or dating. We’re here to help with this guide on meeting gay guys in a small town.
Things You Should Know
- Even small towns sometimes have a gay-friendly bar somewhere; try digging around online to see if you can get details on where the local queer community hangs out.
- If there are any LGBTQ organizations in your area, reaching out to see about volunteering or joining them would be a great way to meet other gay guys.
- If Tinder or OkCupid aren’t working out, hookup apps like Grindr can connect you to potential friends and partners, not just one night stands. Most guys on Grindr are just looking for sex, but by putting in your profile that you’re looking for something meaningful, you might be able to find something more.[1]
- If you live near a bigger city, taking the occasional trip downtown can help you connect to more gay people.
Steps
Reach out to your network of friends, family, and co-workers. If you're out to any loved ones, ask them if they know any gay men in your town. Even in a small town, there are probably more gay people than you think—they just might not be out to everyone they know. Your friends or family members may give you their gay friend's contact information or, if both of you are comfortable, arrange for both of you to meet.[2]- Even if your loved ones don't know any single gay men, they may be able to set you up with queer friends or mentors.
Go to local gay bars if your town has one. Gay bars, lounges, and clubs are the traditional places for LGBTQ people to meet. Even if your town is not large enough for a gay bar, local bars may have a "gay night" or LGBTQ-friendly events throughout the year.[3]- Talk to local bartenders about organizing their own LGBTQ night if no bars in your town currently hold one.
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Get involved with LGBTQ organizations in nearby towns. Many towns have queer organizations where members can meet and support one another. Search for local queer groups or check for chapters of these popular queer organizations in your area:- Human Rights Campaign (HRC)
- Family Equality Council
- Parents, Family & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
- International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association (ILGA)
- The GLBT National Help Center
- Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD)
Start your own LGBTQ group. If your town doesn't have an LGBTQ organization, make one yourself. Advertise for the group online and in person and set up frequent get-togethers to make a space for queer men in your town to mingle and spread LGBTQ awareness.[4]- Making an LGBTQ organization in a small town is a slow, steady process. Focus on building your group one member at a time, and don't get discouraged if it takes time to find new members.
Attend local pride festivals or events in your town. Some small towns hold annual pride festivals, parades, or events. If your town holds an annual festival, attend the event and reach out to the attendees or volunteers.- The most popular time for towns to hold pride-related events is June, or LGBTQ history month.
- Volunteering at pride festivals is another great way to get involved in the queer community and meet gay men.
Keep yourself safe in your town. Homophobia is a problem no matter where you live, but it can be especially hard to deal with in a small town. Gay people living in rural areas report higher levels of harassment, and it’s important to protect yourself. If you face homophobia in your town, talk to friends you trust, or consider seeing a therapist—harassment can take a serious toll on your mental health if you ignore it.[5]
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Look for LGBTQ groups or clubs online. If you don't know any other gay men, the best way to locate your town's gay community is online. Search for gay bars or clubs, upcoming events, or organizations and join any that appeal to your interests.[6]- If you live in a small town in Southern Utah, for example, you could search "gay scene in Southern Utah" or "gay bars in Cedar City, UT."
Use social media to connect with local gay guys. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media sites are all great ways to meet gay guys online. Search "gay" and your city or local area into the social media's search bar to find openly gay users in your area.- If you have an Instagram and you're looking for gay men in Idaho, for example, you could search "gay Rexburg Idaho"
Join online LGBTQ groups. Online groups are a great way to talk with members online and maybe even arrange to meet.[7] You can limit your search to LGBTQ groups for men in your town or expand it to any online support group for queer men.[8]- Search for LGBTQ Facebook groups in your town or province to connect with and meet local gay men.
- MeetUp is another popular website for making friends with common interests. Check the app for local LGBTQ groups.[9]
Join an LGBTQ dating app or websites. If your main interest is meeting gay men to date, download a dating app or join a dating site and connect with members who interest you.[10] Even if you're not mutually attracted, you may be able to make a friend and connect with your town's queer community.[11]- Popular dating sites or apps for gay men include OkCupid, Grindr, Jack'd, Tinder, GROWLr, Hornet, Scruff, Surge, and Chappy.[12]
- Some online and print newspapers also list romantic personal ads. You can post your own ad or respond to gay-friendly ads as an alternative to using dating apps.[13]
- The vast majority of gay people you’ll meet online are normal and harmless, but there are some exceptions. If you meet someone you met online, try to have your first in-person interaction in a public area. If not, be sure to let a friend know the address where you’re going—remember that your safety is important.
Join a gay online chat room or forum. Chat rooms or forums are a quick way to talk with other gay men and post questions you have about the queer community. Search for chat rooms and forums focused on your province or join a general LGBTQ chat room to find advice about meeting gay men in small towns.[14]- If you're under 24 years old, TrevorSpace is a safe, welcoming forum and chatroom for LGBTQ youth. You can find TrevorSpace at https://www.trevorspace.org/.
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Try a long distance relationship if you can't find gay men in your town. A long-distance relationship (LDR) is a romantic relationship where both partners live far apart. If you're mainly interested in a gay relationship and have a hard time finding gay men, long-distance relationships may be an option.[15]- Long distance relationships take work and communication, and they're not right for every situation. Don't be afraid to take a break or end the relationship if it hurts more than it helps you.[16]
Start a long-distance relationship online. Join an online dating site or app and expand the distance requirements to outside of your town. Message any users who interest you and, if you feel a spark, ask them if they're open to long-distance relationships. With time and persistence, you may find someone you want to start an LDR with.[17]- You may also connect with and eventually develop a long-distance relationship with a member from an LGBTQ group, forum, or chat room.
- Scruff Venture is a popular dating app for meeting gay men in faraway cities or while traveling.[18]
Set ground rules for your long-distance relationship. In the beginning of a long-distance relationship, setting clear rules with your boyfriend can eliminate confusion and keep your relationship strong while apart. Ask your LDR boyfriend any of the following questions to establish the relationship:- How often should we meet every week, month, or year?
- Would you be willing to relocate as our relationship grows?
- How long do we expect the relationship to last?
- Are we exclusive or can we see other people, too?
- Do we eventually want to close the distance and, if so, when?
Find personal ways to connect with your LDR boyfriend. Because you can't see your boyfriend in person as often, connecting with them verbally or through text is essential. Send your boyfriend thoughtful texts, schedule webcam dates, and call regularly to keep the passion alive.[19]- Sending gifts through the mail is another way to give your long-distance relationship a personal touch.
Schedule in-person dates when possible. Depending on the distance, try to visit your boyfriend at least once a month or several months. When you're together, make up for lost time by showing each other around your hometowns, meeting friends and family, and appreciating each other's company while you can.[20]- Some couples also establish "end dates" for the distance, where both partners move closer to each other, as motivation to make it through difficult or lonely patches in the relationship.[21]
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionWhat can I do if I have no confidence to meet other gay men?
Imad JbaraImad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.
Dating CoachA big part of this often stems from not finding the right people to surround yourself with. If you're shy, try to be more expressive and get out there. Show yourself to people so you can find other LGBTQ folks you can look up to. This way, you can build a support group where you can find support to build that confidence you want. The first step is always expressing yourself, though!
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Tips
- Visit nearby queer-friendly cities often to connect with other gay men if your town doesn't have a thriving queer community.[22]Thanks
- While meeting other gay men is important, the best thing you can do for yourself is develop confidence in your queer identity. High self-esteem can help you find peace with yourself and reach out to other LGBTQ people in your area.[23]Thanks
- If you can't find many queer men in your area, try coming out to or confiding in a straight loved one that you trust. Having someone to talk with can help with isolation.[24]Thanks
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Warnings
- Be careful meeting someone in person for the first time. People on the internet may not be who they seem, so try video calling before meeting in real life.Thanks
- Sometimes LGBTQ men in small towns need more than just peer friendships. If you feel sad, lonely, or anxious, contact queer-friendly therapists in your area for support.[25]Thanks
- As a gay man, living in a small town can get lonely. It can be tough leaving the place you call home, but consider moving to a place known for being queer-friendly if you have a hard time finding other queer men or feel socially isolated.[26]Thanks
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References
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
- ↑ https://www.liveabout.com/the-best-places-to-find-gay-men-1411701
- ↑ https://www.liveabout.com/the-best-places-to-find-gay-men-1411701
- ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/advice/4-tips-for-gay-dating-in-small-communities
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/youth_report_higher_rates_of_homophobic_behaviors_in_rural_and_small_town_s
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
- ↑ https://www.pride.com/gay/2016/6/08/how-survive-being-gaybi-small-town
- ↑ https://www.meetup.com/
- ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021.
- ↑ https://www.pride.com/gay/2016/6/08/how-survive-being-gaybi-small-town
- ↑ https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2018/03/05/best-gay-dating-apps-jackd-grindr-hornet-scruff/
- ↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/advice/4-tips-for-gay-dating-in-small-communities
- ↑ https://www.liveabout.com/the-best-places-to-find-gay-men-1411701
- ↑ https://www.pride.com/gay/2016/6/08/how-survive-being-gaybi-small-town
- ↑ http://www.gaylifeafter40.com/the-long-distance-relationship-6-things-to-remember/
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2018/02/hopping-on-a-plane-for-a-first-date/553322/
- ↑ https://support.scruff.com/portal/en/kb/articles/what-is-scruff-venture-6-12-2023-2
- ↑ https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/8x8q4x/how-i-make-my-ultra-long-distance-relationship-work
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2018/02/hopping-on-a-plane-for-a-first-date/553322/
- ↑ https://www.pride.com/gay/2015/10/13/7-tips-better-long-distance-relationship
- ↑ https://www.pride.com/gay/2016/6/08/how-survive-being-gaybi-small-town
- ↑ Imad Jbara. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/being-gay-in-rural-australia
- ↑ https://www.pride.com/gay/2016/6/08/how-survive-being-gaybi-small-town
- ↑ https://www.gq.com/story/how-to-cope-when-youre-gay-and-lonely
About This Article
Counseling Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Marissa Floro, PhD. Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures. This article has been viewed 84,594 times.
Co-authors: 14
Updated: January 15, 2024
Views: 84,594
Categories: LGBT Dating
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 84,594 times.
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