This article is based on an expert interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, conducted by How.com.vn Staff Editors. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
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Even the best relationships run into conflict at some point. In this video, Licensed Clinical Social Worker Kelli Miller presents three ways to approach that conflict with compassion: sandwiching criticism inside positivity, using “I” statements, and knowing when to step away from a conversation. These methods are great steps towards resolving any tensions that arise with your significant other.
Key Takeaways
- Try the “sandwich method” to resolve conflict by sandwiching constructive feedback between two positive statements so your partner is less likely to get defensive.
- Use “I” statements when you’re expressing yourself, like “I feel hurt when you’re late” rather than “You’re always late.”
- Take a timeout if things get heated and come back to the conversation later when you’re both feeling calmer.
Video Transcript
People are delicate, so we all should approach conflict with compassion. To do this, I recommend the “sandwich method,” where you're going to tell your partner something positive, then constructive, and then positive again. Whether it's somebody you're just dating or somebody you've been married to for years, it always helps to start out with the positive. Things like, “Thank you for taking out the trash. I know you're always thinking of me, but I've noticed there are often dishes in the sink. Is there any way we can set this up so that we can figure out how to do the dishes equally?” Then you move back to the positive. “We work so well together.” This requires a big setup, it does, but it makes the receiver much more receptive. We often hone in on the negative and then our partners don't feel appreciated, so it's vital to remember not to take your partner for granted, and that sandwich method is a good reminder for both people. I also advocate for using “I” statements in serious conversations. Instead of targeting your partner by saying “You did this,” you're going to use the pronoun “I” to describe how you're feeling. For example, “I feel hurt when you're constantly late,” rather than “You're always late.” This makes it clear that their behavior is affecting you rather than highlighting them as the problem. Finally, you should always feel comfortable having a timeout and finishing the conversation at a later time. I'm a big proponent of timeouts, and my rule of thumb for timeouts is if you feel like the conversation is getting heated, you can raise your hand and just say “I think that we need a timeout.” But then it's the person's responsibility who does call timeout to then later return and say “Okay, I think we're both calm, now let's reconvene and finish the conversation.”
