How to Dump Your Boyfriend Nicely

If you want to dump your boyfriend, you can do it nicely. It's never easy to break up with someone, and there's really no great way to do it. When someone is dumped, their feelings are going to be hurt. However, there are ways you make him feel better as you do it. And that's going to end up better for you, too. Why be mean? He meant something to you once.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Finding a Kinder Way

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1
Tell him to his face. It's going to hurt him more if you break up with your boyfriend remotely. Never text dump a boyfriend unless you want to cause him more pain. That's the worst possible way to go about it. ^{[1]XResearch source}
- Dumping your boyfriend by telephone, Skype, FaceTime, over social media, or by email are also cold approaches you shouldn't use. You wouldn't like it if someone did that to you, so don't do it to them.
- When you dump your boyfriend to his face, you can show compassion and care. Dumping your boyfriend electronically is too remote and shows disrespect. Also, it's easy to misread the tone of an email or text, so he might read things into your words that aren't there.
- If you really can't handle telling him to his face, or it's just not possible, choose to write him a heartfelt and detailed letter. Don't type it, either. You are trying to show compassion. He will feel less pain if you make him feel like he did matter to you, but it just didn't work.
- Reader Poll: We asked 211 How.com.vn readers who’ve turned someone down, and 70% of them agreed the best way to say you’re not interested is by being honest and straightforward, but gentle and kind. [Take Poll]
2
Don't ghost. Ghosting is a term that's become popular recently with some celebrity breakups. When people ghost someone else, they dump them without explanation. They just vanish.
- Ghosting is cruel. It makes people feel disrespected and confused. It's the breakup method most guaranteed to cause him pain so, even if it's hard, face your fears and just level with him.
- He won't be able to find closure as quickly if you ghost him, which means he's going to stick around a lot longer, trying to contact you and reaching out to figure out what's going on. So if you really want to break up with him, ghosting won't get him out of your life as quickly.
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3
Don't lead him on. Sometimes people try to let people down so easily that they end up leading them on. This isn't very nice. It will confuse him and give him false hope.
- Don't contact him after you dump him, and don't let him draw you into endless discussions about it. Be final.
- Be short and firm. Don't say things like "I just need some space" because it will give him false hope. If there is truly none, you need to stand firm and not confuse him.
- Don't tell him you love him or pay him excessive compliments or touch him in any way. You can show care and that you hope he will be OK, but any signs of overt emotion or touching (even a hug) could lead him to think there's still a chance. That's kind of cruel.
- Explain very clearly the parameters of any future relationship. If there is no chance, say it.
4
Keep it to yourself. Gossip isn't nice. He's going to be feeling badly enough, so why hurt his ego more by spreading it around?
- Let him tell other people, including your circles of friends. And keep the reasons to yourself. If people ask, just say that out of respect for him, you aren't going to share.
- If he tells people, don't get too angry. Unless he's lying about you or being excessively mean, he's going to need someone to talk to probably.
- If you confide in someone about the breakup, ask them to keep it a secret. It's understandable that you might want advice or support from a friend or relative, but you don't want your boyfriend to find out about the breakup from someone else.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Saying the Right Things

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1
Don't use cliches. It's tempting to just trot out a cliche. You know, something like, "It's not you, it's me" or "I think we should just be friends." Nobody wants to be told they're in the friend zone anyway. It sucks, so don't say it.
- The problem with cliches is we've all heard them before, so they're just not believable. It's going to make him upset or defensive if he thinks you're not being honest. Lines such as "I just need some time to work on myself," or "I just need space" instantly spring to mind as top offenders here. It's not that these statements can't possibly be true, it's just that there needs to be a little more than that. He deserves a more specific answer.
- A much better approach is to just speak from the heart and be honest. Be very clear, but also be very simple and direct. Just say what's really going on. ^{[2]XResearch source}
- Maybe you can forge a friendship with him down the road, but if you try to do it right away, things could easily get confused. It's better to put some distance between your relationship and a friendship anyway. So skip the "let's be friends" cliche.
2
Take some of the blame. If you really think you didn't do anything wrong, you should examine yourself. Both people are usually to blame in some ways when relationships fail. Or maybe two people just aren't compatible and no one is really to blame.
- For instance, say something like, "I know I didn't communicate well" or "I haven't been as open to trying things you like to do."
- It's really a horrible move to act rotten to him so he dumps YOU, though. If you want out, dump him, but accept that he's not the only person at fault. ^{[3]XResearch source}
- If he's truly to blame - for example, if he's been abusive or he cheated on you - put your safety first and don't feel you have to shoulder any blame. No one deserves to be abused or lied to, so retain your self respect and just walk away. ^{[4]XResearch source}
- In cases where you just aren't that interested anymore or his offenses were more minor, why not shoulder a little of the blame yourself? This will lessen his pain by allowing him to retain pride. If you put all of the blame on him, it will turn into an argument instead of a conversation.
- You're already dumping him, so it's not necessary to give him a long list of everything he's done wrong. Avoid excessively blaming language, and make sure your tone is soft and gentle, not angry and accusatory.
3
Do give him a reason. People deserve to know why they're being dumped. You shouldn't go on and on and say hurtful things. But do give him a reason.
- Don't stay long. Just give him your reasons - say them kindly, clearly, and quickly - and express empathy toward him. At the same time, once you’ve told him, don’t expect an answer immediately. If he’s in love with you this will probably be breaking his heart. So respect that and let him be. Don’t shower him with questions. He will need a few minutes to let it sink in. Give him those few minutes, and let him have his say, reinforce your message, and then leave.
- Boil down your reasoning to a 3-5 sentence summary. This will help you keep it focused.
4
Say kind things. A little kindness goes a very long way. It will make it more likely that he won't see you as an enemy, and that he won't grow defensive. If he starts to get angry anyway, don't respond in kind. Don't argue or yell.
- Tell him you're sorry. You're sorry it didn't work out the way he hoped it would, and you're sorry that he's hurt. Allow him to react. If he cries or begs, let him say his piece, but don't respond to it. Just stick to your message - kindly.
- Thank him. Thank him for the good times you did share, but then reinforce the fact it's just not going to work out. Thank him for anything he did for you or gave to you.
- Explain to him that you are sure he will be fine and will be able to find someone new because he is a good person with a lot to offer, but you two are just not right for each other and it's just not going to work out.
5
Don't lie. It's just not nice, and worse, he's probably going to find out you lied eventually - and that will make it much, much worse.
- That doesn't mean you need to hammer him with details about the new boy you like (if there is one). It just means you shouldn't tell him something that is not true.
- How about giving it some time before you jump into a new relationship anyway? Give him some time to heal before he has to see you with someone else (or hear about it).

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Picking the Right Setting

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1
Pick the right time. It's just downright mean to dump someone when they are going through a crisis in their lives. So you should really pick a time that will work best for him, not you. What's the rush?
- Do it during the day. It's better not to dump someone at night (and never do it after they've been drinking or you have). You want this to be a brief conversation, and long drawn out discussions are more likely to happen at night. Longer discussions create more potential for pain.
- Morning or lunch is better, but pick a weekend or a day he doesn't have school or work. You don't want to dump him if he has to go somewhere right away. It's unfair to put him in emotional turmoil when he has to show his best side.
- Don't dump him on special occasions, like right before the holidays, on his birthday, or right before or on your anniversary. It will make him feel worse.
- While picking a good time is important, don't spend too much time thinking about it. It's better to act quickly when you know your relationship is over.
2
Get him alone. It's probably better to dump him in private. That way he won't feel humiliated, and if he shows emotion, no one else will see. You will be able to have a heart-to-heart talk in this situation.
- Never, ever dump him when he's with his friends. Give him the ability to tell the rest of the world about the break-up on his own terms. You want to in all cases give him some ability to retain pride.
- Do it at his place, not yours. That way, when you're done with the dumping, you can leave on your own terms. If you do it at your house, he may try to prolong the moment or even could make a move on you because he might want to save the relationship. It can be awkward having to ask someone to leave.
- The exception to this one is if you have any reason at all to fear for your safety. If he has a problem with anger, do NOT dump him in a private setting. Meet him in a public place like a coffee shop. Bring a friend for support.If he's abusive, don't meet him at all. Have someone else deliver the news or do it in writing.
3
Choose a neutral place. You don't want to pick a setting that has any romantic connotation to it. It will make it harder on him, and it could give him mixed messages.
- A bar is a terrible idea because alcohol will fuel emotions and make things more dramatic.
- That fancy restaurant where you went on a date? It's going to make him feel worse. Instead, pick something neutral, like a coffee shop or go for a walk so you have privacy.

Expert Q&A

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Question
How do you start the breakup conversation?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
One way to begin is to say, "I really need to talk to you about something." Then you can either tell him about the break up or state that you've appreciated the relationship, but you want to break up. Use your judgement when deciding the best way to phrase the actual breakup part.
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Question
My relationship is long distant. What should I do?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
Since your relationship is long distant, you won't have as many options. Although it's always better to break up with someone in person, this likely won't be possible in your case. Don't feel like you have to wait to do it in person, as this isn't fair to either of you. It's best to break up with them during a Skype, FaceTime, or phone call, which are as close as you get to face-to-face. However, don't do it via text.
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How do you tell him at school if that's the only time you can face-to-face?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
If telling him at school is your only option, go ahead and do it there. However, do it as close to the end of the school day as possible. Don't do it as you're going to class. Additionally, try to talk to him alone.
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Tips

Don't cheat on him. If you are interested in someone else, dump him first. It's a lot nicer. Break ups NEVER work out well if one person has cheated.
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It's never a good time to break up. Just do it and get it over with. However, you might want to practice what you are going to say first, rather than winging it.
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Give yourself time to get over the break up.
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Tell a friend where you're going and what you're doing.
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Again, if there is any sign he could be abusive or violent, put your safety before his feelings and do NOT meet with him in private and don't break up with him without seeking help first. Seek help from a professional - a counselor, a parent, a law enforcement officer.
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