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This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
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Having a parent who drinks can be very painful and confusing. Your parent may have promised to stop drinking time and time again, but they never do. It’s important for you to understand that alcoholism is an addiction and that your parent must commit to professional treatment in order to truly change. In the meantime, deal with their alcoholism by supporting your own well-being and keeping yourself busy. You might also try to convince your parent to get the help they need.
Steps
Stay away when your parent is drinking. It’s completely understandable to want to help your parent or “watch” them when they’re drinking, but they may not behave the same when they’re drinking as they do when sober. Some parents might start fights with their spouses or even the kids when they’re drinking. To minimize your chances of getting caught in the crosshairs, stay away.[1]- Find a safe place you can go to when your parent’s drinking gets out of control, such as a treehouse, library, neighbor’s house, or local park.
Don’t take responsibility for your parent’s condition. At the end of the day, your parent’s behavior is their choice. They’re the adult and should be looking out for you, not the other way around. Don’t blame yourself for their alcoholism or claim total responsibility for “fixing” the problem.- The only way an alcoholic can truly get better is by committing to rehab. You can’t do this for your parent; they have to do it on their own.[2]
- Even if you're an adult, you're still not responsible for your parent's addiction. They have to accept ownership for their situation in order to change.
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Talk to your parent about getting help. Although you can’t control your parent’s choice to get help, you may be able to convince them. If you have siblings, plan to sit your parent down when they are sober and plead with them to get help. Showing your parent your concern may push them to finally get the help they need.- If you're a teen, you might say, “Mom, we’re really worried about you. We don’t want to have to go live with foster parents. Can you please go see a doctor?”
- Adult children may say, "Mom, I can tell your drinking has gotten worse. I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandmother, but if you continue down this path, I don't think they'll be able to. Will you please get help?"
Tell another trusted adult about your parent’s alcoholism. If talking to your parent doesn’t make a difference, involve another adult. Turn to your other parent, an aunt or uncle, grandparent, a family friend, or a trusted adult at your school. Tell them what’s happening and ask them to talk to your parent on your behalf.- Sometimes, people don't want to listen to close family members, such as kids and spouses. They may be more likely to listen to a non-family member.
- Consider choosing someone whose opinion your parent cares about, such as a close family friend.
Seek help, if you’re in danger. Alcoholics may violently lash out at others when they’re drinking. If this happens to you or your siblings, seek help immediately. Call another family member or a neighbor for help. If you fear that your parent may hurt you, your siblings, or themselves, call the emergency department.- Once you’re in a safe place, you might also call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.[3]
- If you're an adult and your parent is being violent, contact emergency services.
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Develop strategies to fight stress. Your parent’s alcoholism can affect your own health and well-being. You might worry a lot about your parent’s health, their job, or their safety. Keep stress at bay by practicing relaxation techniques and self-care.[4]- Try relaxation techniques like guided imagery, meditation, yoga, or deep breathing to fight stress.
- You might also do self-care activities like massaging away tension, taking a warm bath, or watching your favorite TV show.
Set personal boundaries. An alcoholic parent may violate your personal limitations in many ways, such as constantly asking you for money, needing rides from you, or forcing you to lie for them. Know that you have a right to say "no" to this kind of behavior and enforce healthy boundaries.- By keeping firm boundaries, you're letting your parent see the consequences of their drinking behaviors. It can help them realize that they need treatment. If law enforcement gets involved, treatment may be offered through the judicial system.
- For example, you might tell your parent, "This is the last time I'm loaning you money." If they ask again, remind them of your rule and say "no."[5]
- Another example of a boundary you might set is to refuse to spend time with your parent while they are drinking.
Get enough sleep. Sleep is extra important when you’re dealing with a stressful home environment. Plus, if you're an adolescent, you need adequate sleep to support your growth and development. If you’re having trouble getting the recommended eight to ten hours per night, start a bedtime routine.[6]- For instance, if you stay up late on your phone or computer, shut them off at least an hour before bed. Instead, do some reading, work on a crossword puzzle, or listen to soft music.
- If your parent’s drinking keeps you up often at night, tell another adult. You need to be able to sleep restfully through the night without worrying about your parent.
Get regular physical activity. Exercise is really great at helping you fight stress and support your emotional well-being. The endorphins, or chemicals, released when you exercise may even lift your mood if you’re feeling down.- Try to do at least 30 minutes of exercise on most days of the week.[7]
- If you don’t participate in physical education or sports at school, try going for a walk or run around the block with your dog or turn up the music and dance in your room.
- If you're an adult, try signing up for a gym membership to keep yourself active.
Journal to express your thoughts and feelings. It can feel good to release all your frustrations about what’s happening at home with your parent. Write down what you’re going through in a journal. If you have a hard time journaling, write as if you’re explaining your day to a good friend.[8]- This journal doesn't have to be pen-and-paper. You can keep one on the computer, a tablet, your phone, or even online.
- If writing doesn't help, try drawing what you feel instead. These can be comics, illustrations, or scribbles.
Talk to a counselor. The stress of an alcoholic parent can wear on you, affecting your physical health and academic or job performance. Before things start to unravel, reach out and talk to a counselor. This professional is trained to help you cope with stress and find better ways of managing in school or work.[9]- If you are a student, you may be able to make an appointment with your school counselor.
- If you are an adult, get an appointment through your job by talking to human resources or ask your family doctor for a referral.
- Get support and ideas for coping by joining Al-Anon (https://al-anon.org/) or Alateen, a nonprofit organization that offers support for people who care about someone with a drinking problem.
Get some distance. If you can, it may help to distance yourself from an alcoholic parent. As upsetting as that may be, it may be the only way you can protect your health and well-being.- If you're a child, see if you can stay with other relatives or friends for a few days.
- If you're an adult, limit your visits to give yourself a break from your parent's bad habits.
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Focus on your studies or career. If you want to take your mind off what’s happening back at home, throw yourself into school or work. Make an extra effort in all your classes and schedule in time to study after school each day. If you are an adult with a job, try to focus on keeping your performance up to par.- If you have trouble studying at home, visit a coffee shop or library. If your grades are falling, considering seeking out a tutor to help you.[10]
- If your parent's condition interferes with your job performance, ask for some time off to pull yourself together.
Get involved with extracurriculars. Staying busy can help you better cope with your parent’s drinking. The more productive things on your schedule, the less time you’ll have to sit around worrying. Plus, getting involved in sports, clubs, and organizations at your school or in your local community can keep you away from home a lot.- Taking part in extracurriculars helps you spend time with positive people and may even protect you from using alcohol or drugs yourself.[11]
Get support from friends. If you have a few buddies you trust, dedicate more time to hanging out with them. Talk to them about what’s happening at home. You might feel ashamed to share all the details of your parent’s drinking, but it’s important that you have social support.[12]- Tell your closest pals a little of what’s happening and then gauge their reactions to decide how much more you might want to share.
- For example, you might start by saying, “I really don’t like being at home when my dad drinks. Can I come over your house?”
Develop hobbies. Do you have any interests outside of school, work, or extracurriculars? If so, commit extra time to pursuing those interests. If you don’t have any hobbies, consider what you like doing and figure out hobbies that might match your interests.- For example, you might start writing stories or poems, playing a musical instrument, or babysitting for extra cash.
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- QuestionHow can you support your alcoholic parent in getting help? When is it time to drop the issue?
Lauren Urban, LCSWLauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
Licensed PsychotherapistThis can be kind of complicated and challenging. The most important thing is forming and maintaining appropriate boundaries with your parent. If their addiction is affecting you, you have every right to speak out about it and let them know. It’s not up to you to save your parent or manage their addiction for them. It’s like the old adage: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. If somebody wants to get sober and recover, then you can help them. But if they refuse help, there’s really not much that can be done and it may be time to drop the issue. - QuestionIs there something I can say or do to scare my parent into quitting drinking?
Trudi Griffin, LPC, MSTrudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
Professional CounselorUnless someone is intrinsically motivated to change their behavior, they won’t do it. The good news is, if you know what they care about most (hopefully you), keep showing them how their behavior is hurting you. If you find yourself in the position of taking care of them or “rescuing” them while they are drinking or after, stop. Allow them to experience the negative consequences themselves. At some point, you may decide that in order to take care of yourself, you need to live with another family member or friend. Sometimes when parents lose their kids, that’s when they realize they need help. - QuestionHow can I help my other parent (non-alcoholic) not be so depressed?Trudi Griffin, LPC, MSTrudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
Professional CounselorThere are many reasons for depression in the spouse of someone who has a drinking problem. Some of it can be alleviated through social support. Invite your other parent to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with you. There you can both connect with other people who can support you both. Do an Internet search to find a meeting in your area.
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The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of How.com.vn readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on How.com.vn, please submit it in the field below.
- Always remember you are not alone in this. Whether one of both of your parents abuse alcohol, drugs, or both, keep in mind that you will break free from it some day. Make it a goal to be a better parent to your kids someday. Never forget your value in life; you are worth more than you've been treated. Shine your brightest and stay strong. There's always someone out there that knows exactly what you're going through, including me. Stay strong!
- Avoid arguing and getting mad at a parent while they are intoxicated because it only makes the situation worse. Wait until the next day when they're sober to talk it out with them.
- If your parent still doesn't listen to you after you've sat down and talked with them about their drinking, consider doing your own little intervention with some family members.
- If you have to ride in a car with a drunk parent, try to convince them to let you drive (if you have a permit or license).
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References
- ↑ https://al-anon.org/blog/16-learned-take-charge-life/
- ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/04/13/my-mother-is-an-alcoholic-it-took-me-years-to-realize-how-her-drinking-affected-me/?utm_term=.7bb8732690de
- ↑ https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coping-alcoholic.html#kha_41
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heartache-hope/201106/setting-your-boundaries
- ↑ https://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-topics/teens-and-sleep
- ↑ https://www.aacap.org/aacap/families_and_youth/facts_for_families/fff-guide/Helping-Teenagers-With-Stress-066.aspx
- ↑ https://casapalmera.com/blog/deal-alcoholic-parent/
- ↑ https://youngwomenshealth.org/2015/03/04/dealing-with-an-alcoholic-parent/
About This Article
Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 681,900 times.
Co-authors: 82
Updated: December 23, 2023
Views: 681,900
Categories: Featured Articles | Dealing with Conflict with Parents
Article SummaryX
Having an alcoholic parent can be difficult, so it’s important to get the help you need to take care of yourself. If possible, try to find a safe place to go when your parent is drinking, like a library, friend’s house, or a local park. Remind yourself that your parent’s drinking is not your fault or responsibility. The best you can do for your parent is talk to them about getting help, but remember that it has to be their choice. In the meantime, do your best to care for your emotional health, like taking time to de-stress from the situation. Try meditation, yoga, warm baths, or watching your favorite TV shows. You can also try to develop some fun hobbies, like playing an instrument or writing poetry. To learn how to see a counselor about your parent’s drinking, keep reading.
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Reader Success Stories
"Step 4, was one of the many steps that helped me. I have recently got a job to mainly help out. However, the majority of "helping" I do is loan my parents money for beer. They do pay me back but sometimes they forget. Now I'll try and take this step."..." more
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