How to Deal With Transphobic Parents

If your parents are scared or uncomfortable with the fact that some people are transgender, it can be hard to be yourself around them. Whether you yourself are transgender or you just support transgender people, dealing with your parent’s transphobia can be difficult and frustrating. We’ve answered your questions about handling tough conversations and troublesome comments at home so you can help your parents understand you better and (hopefully) reach a compromise with them.

Question 1 of 5:

How do I tell my parents that I am trans?

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1
Consider the risks of telling your parents. For example, if you’re under 18, coming out to your transphobic parents might have some large consequences and may make living at home uncomfortable. Ask yourself if you feel physically and emotionally safe about telling your family that you’re trans before you do anything.
- Some people choose to turn 18 and move out of the house before disclosing to be safer, it’s up to you.
- Consider going to a support group or joining an online forum for tips on coming out to your parents and to better prepare yourself. A good forum for this is called "Empty Closets," which you can visit at https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php.
2
Ask for acceptance from your parents. While you may not be ready to come out as trans and tell your parents at this moment, talk to them and at least let them in on how you feel. Try to educate them about trans and nonbinary issues and what you are going through. Understanding what you are going through could help them accept you.
- For example, say, “I know I’m a bit different from my siblings, but I want to talk to you. It’s hard for me to feel like I fit in.”
- If you’ve come out and your parents aren’t accepting, say, “I know you don’t accept that I’m trans, but I want you to accept me as your child and as part of this family.”
- If at any point you feel threatened or endangered by your parents or family, get help from a friend or an LGBTQ center near you.

Question 2 of 5:

How do I tell my parents that I support trans individuals?

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Share your values with your parents. If your parents don’t know your views, share them. Whether you’re trans or not, you can stand up for your views and for trans people in general. Tell your parents why you are an ally to trans people and why it’s important to you to stick up for them.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For example, say, “I think it’s important to stand up for trans people. Many trans people already feel marginalized, so it’s important to me to be there and support them.”
- You can also say, “I don’t know what it feels like to feel unsafe, but they do. I want to help trans people feel safe.”

Question 3 of 5:

How do I deal with my parents making negative remarks?

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1
Confront your parents if you feel safe doing so. You might have ignored some transphobic comments your parents made at first, but you may want to start saying something. A polite (not angry) confrontation can help change their attitudes and behaviors. See it as a way to share your views and kindness with them if you can.
- For example, say, “That was an unkind comment. Please don’t say that.”
- You can also say, “Please don’t say those things, especially around me. I think all people should be treated with respect, whether they differ from me or not.”
2
Set boundaries with your parents. Even if you strongly oppose one another, both you and your parents deserve to be treated with respect. Don't let anyone use name-calling, derogatory remarks, or curse words. Ask your parents not to say things about trans people around you or in public.^{[2]XResearch source}
- If you can’t talk about trans issues without getting upset or blowing up at each other, you might want to drop it. You can’t change their minds, and you may have to agree to disagree.
- Your goal should be to allow both you and your parents to make yourselves heard, not to change each other's opinions.

Question 4 of 5:

How can I make my parents understand trans issues?

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1
Be patient with your parents. If they’re from an older generation, they may have some trouble wrapping their mind around these issues. It might take months (or even years) for your parents to understand and accept what you tell them, so try to give them some space.^{[3]XResearch source}
- This is especially true if you’ve come out as transgender. While you might feel hurt by your parents lack of acceptance, if you give them time, they could come around.
2
Accept your parents for where they’re at. You might have to accept that your parents just don't understand, no matter how hard you try. It’s upsetting when you feel like your parents don’t understand or support you or the things you care about, but it can take time for them to see things differently. Acknowledge their feelings and where they are at.^{[4]XResearch source}
- If you’re trans and feel unaccepted, don't completely lose hope for your parents. Tell them that you love them and that they must accept who you really are.
- Expect it to take a little time. Make sure you are getting what you need without their support in the meanwhile.

Question 5 of 5:

How can I reach out for support from others?

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1
Lean on your loved ones. You may feel sad and disappointed if your parents are transphobic. Dealing with a difficult relationship with your parents can be tough, so make sure you have supportive people around you. Be around people who understand you, love you, and want the best for you.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}^{[6]XExpert SourceDeb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social WorkerExpert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
- It helps to feel supported by people who care. Even if they don’t understand your gender identity, the fact that they care and are there for you can help.
2
Join a support community. There are lots of ways to get involved and meet other people who are LGBTQ and gender diverse. Depending on where you live, there might be an LGBTQ community in your town that can provide resources, counseling, and support. If you can’t find a center near you, join an online community. You can meet others your age with similar concerns and problems regarding family.^{[7]XExpert SourceDeb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social WorkerExpert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
- It's really validating to surround yourself with a community of people who accept you and support you for who you are.^{[8]XExpert SourceDeb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
  Licensed Clinical Social WorkerExpert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
3
Talk to a mental health professional. A therapist or counselor can help you work through your emotions and figure out your next steps. Choose a therapist who specializes in working with gender diverse and LGBTQ clients. They can help you navigate how to handle conflicts, bring up transitioning, and feel better with being yourself.
- Find a therapist through your (or your family’s) insurance provider or a local mental health clinic. You can also ask friends or your local LGBTQ resource center for a referral.

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I am FtM and 16 years old. How do I come out to my mom when I'm the only girl she has and already has 2 sons and had a miscarriage of a baby girl?
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
Your mother's ambitions for a girl should not be your concern. That is for her to come to terms with. Your only task to to make yourself known and heard.
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My mum's supportive but since I told my dad, both of them seem against it. He says it stems from depression and threatened to pull me out of school. He's forcing God down my throat. What do I do?
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
Try to educate him on the topic by providing some written material or having him attend a support meeting with you. If he is still too blinded by his faith to accept you, then you may just have to move on without him in your life for now.
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If you are underage and feel unsafe in your home, consider getting emancipated.
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Warnings

If you’re feeling suicidal, call for help right away. In the USA, call the Trevor Project at 866-488-7386 or the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860.
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Be wary about accusing your parents of being Transphobic. Feelings are not facts, and cannot always be relied on. Just because you feel your parents are being transphobic, does not mean to say they are. This is something you have to be 100% sure of before you make an accusation that can possibly destroy the lives of innocent people.
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