Download ArticleA guide to getting rizz while still being yourself
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This article was co-authored by Mark Rosenfeld and by How.com.vn staff writer, Aimee Payne, MFA. Mark Rosenfeld is a Dating and Relationship Coach for women and founded Make Him Yours in 2015. Mark specializes in helping people find, attract, and keep extraordinary relationships. He has been featured in Style Magazine, Thought Catalog, Elite Daily, News.com.au, and The Good Men Project. Mark’s dating videos have received over 60 million views, and his book “Make Him Yours – Beating the Odds of Modern Dating” was a best-seller on Amazon on its release.
There are 23 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 931,578 times.
Who doesn't want to be oh-so-silky smooth with the fairer gender?[1] Men who have rizz (short for charisma) and can attract women without lifting a finger are some of the most envied folks in the world. The hard, cold fact is that some guys are just born smooth. Lucky for the rest of us, rizz is also something you can get better at with practice. So, if you feel like you’re about as smooth as high-grit sandpaper, don’t sweat it. With a few simple tricks – and a lot of practice – you'll have all the W rizz (winning rizz) you need to charm the girl of your dreams. See Step 1 below to get started!
This article is based on an interview with our professional dating and relationship coach, Mark Rosenfeld, founder of Make Him Yours. Check out the full interview here.
How to be Rizzy with Girls
- Focus on being playful to rizz up a girl. When you make a teasing joke, smile at her to show you're not serious.
- Show your confidence. If you don't feel confident, fake it till you make it – that goes a long way.
- Avoid pickup-style flirting and having a specific end goal in mind. Instead, concentrate on being the most flirty, charming version of your authentic self for best results.
Steps
Be playful.[2] Experts agree: for many women, one of the most attractive traits a man can have is a sense of playfulness. It's not hard to see why — talking to people who are playful and enjoy the spirited back-and-forth "dance" of a feisty conversation is a lot more fun than talking to people who are earnest but uninteresting. Keep a sense of mischievousness when you talk to women. Look for opportunities to joke, gently tease her, and deliberately misunderstand the things she says. If she's in the mood for a little verbal back-and-forth, this can be absolutely irresistible.[3]- For instance, let's say that you're rizzing up a lady you're attracted to at a party. If she says she's in from out of town and that she's going home soon, you might try saying something like, "What, you're already sick of us?" with a smile on your face. When she starts to protest, pretend to get exaggeratedly offended, all while smiling to make your sarcasm clear. Many women react really well to this sort of gentle, playful teasing (which some call "flirting").
Stay effortlessly in control of the situation. There's a good reason why ladies' men are called "smooth operators": these types of people often have dominant personalities and know how to control (or "operate") social situations to their benefit.[4] The smoothest, suavest players of all know how to lead conversations in the directions they want without even appearing to do so. Not sure how to start a conversation, try dropping a rizz line.- This effortlessness is key — someone who insists on dominating a social interaction but is visibly agitated about the ordeal can give truly bizarre mixed signals. Think about it: If you were having a conversation with someone who was obviously trying to woo you and was obviously nervous about it, would you be attracted? Doubtful.
- Don't bother with "pick up artist" guides that encourage you to use carefully planned routines of back-handed compliments and psychological tricks to attract women. Remember, if you're basically reciting from a script when you're talking to a woman, you're not really effortlessly in control of the situation, are you?
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Keep your reactions low-key. We've all seen it on TV and in the movies — the quiet yet dashing bad boy who says almost nothing but seems to get girls without even trying (e.g., "The name's Bond. James Bond."). While popular entertainment can sometimes create some unhealthy attitudes towards dating, there is a tiny kernel of truth here. Being cool and understated can make a man more attractive to women. Try to react to almost everything that happens around you casually, as if it's completely natural. Being at ease no matter what happens is a supreme show of confidence, and confidence is almost always sexy.[5]- To be clear, this doesn't mean you need to be tight-lipped about everything. It does mean, however, that if you see an opportunity to play coy and spark a little intrigue in your conversation, you should take it and see what happens. For instance, if a lovely lady casually asks where you live, you might respond with, "Oh, why? Were you planning on going there later?" It's a little cheesy, but with a response like this, you're revealing nothing about yourself and getting in a playful dig at your female companion at the same time.
- It's especially important to have low-key reactions to being rejected. If you're trying to start conversations with lots of different ladies at a party, there's a chance that some (or even all) of them won't be interested in talking to you. This is OK. React to each rejection with no more hurt feelings than if you've just been told your shoes are untied.
Casually initiate affection, but never be desperate. Let's be honest — if you're trying to rizz up a girl, you probably eventually want to engage in a little mutual affection with them, whether this is kissing, having sex, or just holding hands (hey, everyone starts somewhere).[6] This is great — healthy, mutual displays of affection are wonderful things. Keep this in mind when you're in situations with ladies where you want to initiate affection. Truly smooth men aren't scared or ashamed of making their intentions known. However, they're also not needy or desperate.[7] Not only is desperation tremendously unattractive to most people, but it also demonstrates low self-worth (and smooth guys always have high self-worth).- For example, let's say that you've just wrapped up a great first date with a wonderful lady, and you're walking out of the restaurant together. If you feel a strong attraction and want to hold her hand, casually grab hold of it as you move through a crowd of people as if it's perfectly natural.[8] Don't make a big production out of the act — do it as if you haven't even thought about the implications. If she appears ill at ease or loosens her grip, you can easily follow her lead and let go without making the situation awkward, but if she reacts well, hold on tight!
- Note: Real smooth guys aren't creeps. Being casually affectionate is one thing, but harassing women or violating their personal space is another, so keep your hands to yourself, or you may be wearing a palm print on your cheek for the next few days.
Don't place any expectations on your social interactions. Smooth guys genuinely enjoy what they do. They like having playful, intriguing conversations with women.[9] They don't do this just to get what they want. Any sort of romance or dating success that comes their way is a happy by-product of them doing what they love, not something that they agonize over and "fight" to get. When you're talking to a woman you're attracted to, don't have an endgame in sight. Just say and do what comes naturally. If your conversation naturally leads you to romance, great. If it doesn't, that's that — you had fun anyway!- This is one reason why you may want to shy away from "pick up artist"-style seduction guides. These guides are often written with one goal in mind (sex, obviously). While their routines may or may not work on some small subset of women, they'll never get you the genuine joy that comes from naturally, effortlessly connecting with another human being.
Be funny. Everyone enjoys a good laugh. Humor makes everybody feel good, so if you can gain a reputation as a funny person, other people (including ladies) will naturally want to be around you.[10] Try to look for opportunities to make light of the situation you're in or (gently) poke fun at the people around you. Most people have the natural ability to be funny when they're relaxed and around people they like, but if you really feel like you're having a hard time being funny, you might want to try researching the topic (our guide to being funny is a good place to start).[11]- Be careful with self-deprecating humor. While a few exceptional individuals can manage to be sexy while making fun of themselves (like the male leads in Woody Allen movies), it's a risky move for most ordinary people, who may unintentionally make themselves look self-conscious or insecure with this type of approach.
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Fake it until you make it.[12] When you're stressing out about a high-pressure social situation you're in, it can be difficult to remember that everyone around you can't tell you're nervous unless you show or tell them you are. This means that if you have the right attitude and you control your behavior in the right ways, they never need to know! Simply acting confident is usually enough to fool people into thinking that you are. Best of all, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy — usually, acting confident can help make you feel confident, which will make it easier to look confident, and so on.- For starters, try acting like everything you do is natural. Don't hesitate over any decision, and don't agonize over how to perform small, unimportant actions. For instance, if you're at a party and you want to ask someone to dance, don't think about it — just do it! Go right over to the person you've set your eyes on and ask, "Hey, do you want to dance?" That's all you need to do. Rizz is 90% confidence.
Use powerful body language. Always remember — look the part, be the part! If you look like you're confident and self-assured, you may as well be confident because other people won't be able to tell the difference. If you're naturally shy or introverted and you're trying to be smooth, using confident and dominant (but relaxed) body language can immediately improve your prospects with the ladies. Below are just a few tips for the uninitiated:[13]- Stand up straight with your shoulders pulled gently back. Doing this makes you appear larger, puffs out your chest, and usually makes whatever muscles you've got look as good as possible.[14]
- Hold your head high. Keeping your head up makes you appear proud, confident, and unafraid of your surroundings. However, don't look down your nose at others — this can appear snobby or condescending.
- Don't be afraid to take up space. Confident people aren't afraid to have a broad, relaxed stance. If you're sitting down, don't be afraid to sit back and spread your legs a little. If you're standing around other people in a crowded area, don't recoil from others if you accidentally brush against them.
- Don't cross your arms. This makes you appear closed-off and inaccessible.
- Don't stare at your phone. This makes you look busy and preoccupied and will discourage people from talking to you.[15]
Use appropriate eye contact.[16] Confident people aren't afraid to look other people in the eye (especially if these other people are attractive, interesting women). There's a reason that looking someone in the eye is traditionally seen as a sign that someone is genuine.[17] Doing this gives the impression that you're open, un-intimidated, and attentive. On the other hand, an unwillingness to look someone in the eye can make you seem like you're ashamed, nervous, or hiding something, even if you're not. Try to look people in the eye most of the time when you're talking to them, and when you're not talking to them, use a few seconds of steady eye contact to spark someone's interest from across the room.[18][19]- Don't stare or leer at women — too much eye contact can definitely be a bad thing! If you're talking to a woman, feel free to maintain fairly steady eye contact, but if you're not, looking her in the eyes for more than a few seconds at a time can put her seriously ill at ease…which is the opposite of rizz.
Relax! Quick, what's the hardest thing to do once you're commanded to do it? If you guessed "relax", you're right. Actively trying to relax is like swimming in quicksand — the harder you work, the less progress you make. If you find yourself stressing about difficult social situations, unfortunately, there is no single "right" way to get to the point where you can relax in the same situations.[20] Everyone relaxes in different ways. However, many people see success with a few common methods, listed below:- Mentally downplaying the importance of the situation or poking fun at it
- Exercising
- Getting lots of sleep
- Deep breathing exercises[21]
- Meditating
Get out and live a little. Picture this: you're chatting with a lady you're attracted to, and you're playing things coy (as any smooth operator should), withholding information about yourself just enough to keep her intrigued. Let's say that things go well and you arrange a date for the weekend — when you eventually do start to tell her about yourself, would you prefer to present yourself as a complex, interesting person or as someone without any dreams or ambitions who mainly just watches TV and browses the internet? The answer should be obvious. Truly smooth men back up their suave mystique with actual interesting lives. They spend time pursuing their passions and trying new things. Not only will making an effort to get out and experience the world make you appear more interesting — it'll also give you the confidence that only a wealth of life experiences can.- If you're looking for new hobbies, start with something that interests you or that you naturally enjoy and try to become great at that thing. Do you like working with your hands? Start making your own furniture. Do you like music? Pick up a cheap instrument at a pawn shop and start practicing. Do you love video games? Even this can be a source of interesting experiences if, for instance, you participate in gaming tournaments or make a gaming channel on YouTube.
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Don't be ashamed of your interests. Ask the average person what a "smooth guy" is like, and you'll probably get an answer along the lines of, "He's impeccably handsome, cool, confident, and well-dressed, with tons of masculine hobbies and interests." While the first four items in this list can certainly be a big help in the dating game, the last is hardly the end-all-be-all it's often made out to be. Don't feel a need to conceal or lie about the things you like to do to make yourself seem more manly. If you're geeky, be unabashedly geeky.[22] If you like to do something really bizarre, like watch syrupy French romance films from the silent film era, don't hide this fact — it's super cool to like something unique! Having rizz is all about liking yourself and not being ashamed of the things you like. Being 100% honest about how you like to spend your time makes you seem genuine and confident and distinguishes you from everyone else around you.
Look for women where you naturally hang out. Clubs, singles bars, and other traditional dating "hot spots" are great for people who are in their element when the music's blaring loud and everyone around them is drunk. For everyone else, it may be much easier to meet people elsewhere. For starters, try meeting women at places and events that you naturally enjoy attending. For instance, if you like exercise and the outdoors, you might want to try running in a popular park. By using this approach, you're more likely to meet women who share your interests than you would hitting a local club.
Have your own style. We've all heard it before: "Be yourself, and you'll go far." This age-old advice is a little cheesy, but when it comes to smooth operators, it's completely true. Smooth guys don't follow others when it comes to defining themselves — they do what they want, present themselves how they want, and let the haters hate. Having your own unique personal style makes you much more interesting and memorable than trying to be someone else's idea of "cool". Being yourself isn't only easier than being trendy; it's also smarter if you're trying to show your rizz.[23]- One way to immediately and visibly differentiate yourself from other people is to dress in a way that's not 100% ordinary (while obviously not completely absurd either). For instance, you might want to try buying your clothes at a second-hand store or a vintage shop for a worn-in, retro look. Or try making your own clothes and accessories by knitting or sewing them yourself.
Be open and sincere. When it comes to pursuing women, honesty is the best policy.[24] For the most part, everyone (ladies included) can tell a phony from a genuine person.[25] Trying to act like someone you're not or concealing your true feelings will only lead to mutual awkwardness. Besides, most women think sincerity is cute, so you have almost no reason not to be completely honest and open about your thoughts, opinions, and intentions.[26] The absolute worst-case scenario that can occur from being honest is that you lose the opportunity to date someone. But if you have to lie about the way you feel to date this person, are you really going to be happy with them? Probably not.- For instance, if you've got certain "dealbreakers" — things you simply can't tolerate in your significant other, you'll definitely want to be open and honest about them with your partner (or potential partner). Think about it: would you rather spend a few weeks pretending to be into someone who smokes, belches, and listens to Limp Bizkit all day, or would you rather politely nip this relationship in the bud?
- Note that, however, there is such a thing as over-sharing. While you'll want to be sincere about your thoughts and feelings, you probably won't want to make things awkward by bringing up intensely personal information before you truly get to know someone.
Love thyself before loving others.[27] You can't love other people if you don't love yourself. So if you have a lousy self-image, steer clear of romance until you can love yourself a little.[28] Ideally, romantic relationships should be the cherry on top of a happy, satisfied life — experiences that are truly wonderful to have, but not things that you need to be happy. Men with rizz are always at ease partly because they know that, no matter what happens in their romantic life, they'll be more or less happy regardless. If you want to have a happy foundation for future relationships, you will probably want:- A reasonable amount of personal independence (like, for instance, being able to support yourself and spend your free time as you please).
- The opportunity (and motivation) to pursue hobbies and interests.
- Stable, satisfying, non-romantic friendships.
- A satisfying level of professional and/or personal achievement (like performing well at your job, becoming an important member of your community, etc.)
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Tips
- Listening skills, trust, and respect are the three things that are generally the most important attributes you will need if you start a relationship with a woman.[29]Thanks
- Try to be sensitive when she's telling you about her past.Thanks
- Do little things for her. Hold the door, offer to pick up her tab, be courteous, etc. Many women love that.Thanks
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Warnings
- Respect everyone.Thanks
- Do not try to act cool. Some ladies don't like it.Thanks
- Respect a woman's boundaries. Don't make her feel like she’s your property and must report to you all the time.Thanks
- Never wear the same clothes two days in a row. Girls WILL notice and find it very unattractive.Thanks
- If you're not the kind of guy who can pull this off and you have a problem reinventing your look/personality as such, then perhaps being a "lady's man" is not for you.Thanks
- Do not get involved intimately with a girl who has a boyfriend/partner!Thanks
- If you respect women, make a conscious effort to avoid cursing around them.Thanks
- Calling a woman fat, ugly, or any other rude comment is a quick way to lose her for good.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/real-men-dont-write-blogs/201108/how-attract-women
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-importance-of-play-for-adults
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-fun/201708/defining-playfulness
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-creativity-cure/201402/how-be-calm-person
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201401/seven-types-physical-affection-in-relationships
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-maintain-love-in-healthy-relationships
- ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/have-hold-conversation/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-s-so-funny/201411/eight-steps-becoming-funnier-person
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201606/when-fake-it-till-you-make-it-and-when-you-shouldnt
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 16 June 2021.
- ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/eye_contact_dont_make_these_mistakes
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201404/5-secret-powers-eye-contact
- ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 16 June 2021.
- ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201310/how-relax
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/meditations/deep-breathing-meditation.htm
- ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201810/how-be-yourself-in-five-simple-steps
- ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 16 June 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201503/the-7-habits-truly-genuine-people
- ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-love-and-war/201601/why-you-have-love-yourself-first
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201802/you-have-love-yourself-you-can-love-someone-else
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/l
About This Article
Dating & Relationship Coach
This article was co-authored by Mark Rosenfeld and by How.com.vn staff writer, Aimee Payne, MFA. Mark Rosenfeld is a Dating and Relationship Coach for women and founded Make Him Yours in 2015. Mark specializes in helping people find, attract, and keep extraordinary relationships. He has been featured in Style Magazine, Thought Catalog, Elite Daily, News.com.au, and The Good Men Project. Mark’s dating videos have received over 60 million views, and his book “Make Him Yours – Beating the Odds of Modern Dating” was a best-seller on Amazon on its release. This article has been viewed 931,578 times.
Co-authors: 94
Updated: May 2, 2024
Views: 931,578
Categories: Flirting
Article SummaryX
If you want to be smooth with the ladies, practice being cool and confident. Try to react to almost everything casually, as if it’s completely natural. For example, even if you’re nervous while talking to a girl, keep a straight face, which will make you seem confident. It’s also important that you never appear desperate when you try to make a move. For instance, if you had a great first date don’t ruin it by texting her multiple times afterward begging for a second date. Play it cool. If she’s into you, she’ll want to communicate with you. You can also use your body language to appear confident. Stand up straight with your shoulders pulled back so your chest is puffed out and your muscles look as good as possible. To learn how to make eye contact with girls so you appear more confident, keep reading!
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