Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by Eddy Baller. Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.
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If two people have been in a relationship and broken up, it’s not uncommon for one of the individuals to come to regret the situation. Often, they’ll want to ask their ex back out and rebuild the relationship. Successfully asking your ex out can be challenging, since breakups are accompanied by strong feelings and the ex may want nothing to do with you. If you do decide to ask your ex out, be sure to start things out slowly, and don’t linger on bad memories.
Steps
Give your ex some time and space. After the initial breakup, both you and your ex will doubtlessly need time and space away from each other to process the breakup and recover emotionally.[1] Even if you decide the next day that you want to get back together, give your ex at least a month or two before you start making new overtures.- If you like, use this time as an opportunity to meet and even date other people. If you date someone new, you may find that your desire for your ex fades with time.
- Extended time and space apart may allow you both to gain perspective on your relationship and appreciate one another more.
Start with a text. If you still want your ex back after a couple of months, keep things low-key and send a friendly, short text. This can be a good way to judge if your ex has any interest in talking with you. It’s still too early to flirt, and certainly too early to say anything sexual. Be brief and sweet, and say something like:- “I just walked by the bakery where we used to buy baguettes together and it reminded me of you. I hope you’re doing well.”
- “I heard our favorite song on the radio together and thought of some good times we’ve had. Hope you’re great.”
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Call your ex for a short chat. If your ex replied to your text and the two of you have had even a short texting conversation, you can take the next step by calling your ex. Keep the conversation light—don’t mention the breakup and don’t bring up any long-term plans to get back together. Your ex could register these as red flags and decline your invitation to see one another.- This will show that you’re willing to put in effort, that you have an interest in reconnecting with them as a person, and that you’re not just looking for a quick hookup.
Ask your ex to meet. It’s a good sign if your ex seems willing to talk with you on the phone. At some point during the conversation, ask them if they’d like to meet and do something brief and light. For example, you could bring up attending an art gallery, visiting a farmer’s market, etc.- Say something like: “I heard that there’s a new photography exhibit at the art museum. I’d like to go and it should only take about an hour. Would you be interested in joining me?”
- If your ex agrees and the hangout goes well, ask them if they’d like to do another similarly fun, light activity. This will also work as an effective way to gauge their interesting in rebuilding the relationship.
EXPERT TIPEddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.Dating Coach
Eddy Baller
Dating CoachExpert Trick: When you're planning a date where you're not sure things will go, keep it really simple. For example, if the weather is nice, go for a walk at a park or the beach, or if it's cold or rainy, meet for tea, coffee, or a drink at a laid-back bar. That way, you can just focus on spending time together.
Tell your ex that you miss them. Your ex will doubtlessly be curious about why you’re reconnecting with them. Be honest. This is also the time to be a little romantic even, although your ex may not be interested until they see that you’re sincere in wanting to reconnect. Say something like:- “While we’ve been apart for the past couple of months, I’ve realized how much I miss you.”
- “I’ve processed things emotionally after we broke up, and I figured out that I’m not happy when you’re not a part of my life.”
Explain that you still have feelings for your ex. This is a delicate subject to bring up, and you shouldn’t do it on the first date. Wait until your ex has agreed to see you a second or third time, and then talk about your feelings. It’s best to be open and honest: state that you still have feelings for your ex, and that you’d like to consider getting back together.- Reconnecting and getting back together with an ex can be a time-consuming process. Don’t expect your ex to immediately agree to jump back into a relationship.
- Depending on how your ex feels, they may still harbor anger towards you, or may have moved on altogether.
Respect your ex’s feelings. Once you’ve explained your romantic feelings to your ex, your ex may make it clear to you that they are not interested in getting back together and do not have any lingering romantic feelings.[2] In this scenario, honor their wishes and abandon your plan to reconnect.- It may be appropriate to make a final appeal. Say something like, “I’m not asking for us to get back together right away. I just want one more chance to show how much I care for you.”
- If your ex still declines, move on and give them the space they want.
Apologize for things you did wrong. If you were the one who ended the relationship, or if you said hurtful things to your ex, you need to explicitly apologize. Don’t try to skirt around the issues that lead to your breakup. Own up to your mistakes and take responsibility for ways in which you may have wronged or offended your ex.- On the other hand, you will also need to forgive your ex for any emotional harm they may have done you. If you reconnect with your ex but still harbor resentment or bitterness, the relationship is bound to fail again.[3]
Avoid re-hashing painful past details. While you and your ex will need to discuss and somehow resolve core issues that lead to your prior breakup, there’s no point in dragging one another through the emotionally painful details. Focus on good things about your ex, and express these in conversation. For example, say things like:- “I was out with friends the other night, and I started thinking about how funny you are and how much I love the way out senses of humor work together.”
- It may help to take some time to process any stressful events or painful details of the past. Over time, your negative emotions will lose their strength, and you can gain a healthier perspective on the contributions of you and your ex to your relationship’s end.
Be discrete about what happened after the breakup. In the best-case scenario, you and your ex can get back together as if the breakup never occurred. It may make your ex unhappy or jealous, though, to hear stories about any indiscretions you committed following the breakup. For example, don’t tell your ex unnecessary details about other people you’ve dated.- Looking to the past can result in the second relationship with your ex going just as badly as the first time around.
- 4Seek out couples counseling. An objective third party, such as a couples therapist, can help you and your ex increase your chances of a successful relationship going forward. A counselor can help you move past difficult issues and communicate more effectively. They can also provide support so you don’t fall back into the same old habits that led to the end of your old relationship.
Move forward, with your focus on the present. If your ex agrees to rekindle the relationship, start making new memories, going on new dates, and re-forging your emotional connection. It can be tempting to bring old relationship baggage with you when reconciling with an ex, but don’t give in.[4]- It can be helpful even to form a couple of new friendships that you and your partner both enjoy. This will help you both get over the breakup by interacting with more people socially.
Expert Q&A
Tips
- Listen closely when communicating with your ex. They may have specific questions about the breakup that they need addressed, which you should answer. Attentive listening shows concern and respect for the person you’re talking to.[5]Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.bolde.com/18-things-to-ask-yourself-before-getting-back-together-with-your-ex/
- ↑ https://www.bolde.com/18-things-to-ask-yourself-before-getting-back-together-with-your-ex/
- ↑ https://www.bolde.com/18-things-to-ask-yourself-before-getting-back-together-with-your-ex/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm#tips
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-kirschner/reconciling-with-ex_b_824486.html
About This Article
Asking your ex out can be nerve-wracking, but by waiting for the right time and taking things slowly, you’ll have the best chance. Give yourself and your ex some time and space to heal and process your breakup before you ask them out. After a few weeks, reach out to them and ask how they’re doing. Text them something like, “Just heard our favorite song and it reminded me of you. How have you been?” If they respond well to your messages, ask them to hang out. After you’ve hung out once or twice, you can tell your ex how you feel. Say something like, “These past few weeks have made me realize how important you are to me. I miss being together.” If your ex doesn’t feel the same way or needs time to think, try to be patient and respect their space. This is probably an emotional time for them too, so you don't want to rush things. For more tips from our co-author, including how to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex, read on.
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