How to Ask Better Questions

Asking questions is essential to communication. But many people don’t always ask the right kinds of questions, and as a result they miss out on a lot of important details. Fortunately, asking questions, like anything else, is a skill that can be cultivated. Seeing the world around you more clearly starts with having an understanding of what you’re looking for when exchanging the sort of insights that lead to real discoveries. Before you ask a question, it’s worth thinking about what you hope to gain and how you can present it to arrive at the information you’re lacking.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Making Sure Your Questions Have Weight

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1
Be willing to ask.^{[1]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Many people are hesitant to ask questions because they’re afraid it will make them look uninformed. When you request an explanation or clarification, however, it only furthers your understanding. Think of good questions as tools for making sense of the world around you.^{[2]XResearch source}
- If you're embarrassed to ask a question in front of others, consider doing it through an impersonal format like email, or wait for a time when you can do it privately.
- Asking the right questions at the right time is a characteristic of strong leaders.^{[3]XResearch source}
2
Have a clear purpose in mind. Before you pose a question, consider what you hope to gain by asking. Are you gathering information in order to make a critical decision, or looking for feedback on something you’ve done? Thinking about exactly what you want to accomplish will help you refine your line of questioning, which will in turn result in more satisfying answers.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Ask yourself, “What do I hope to learn by asking this question?” This will help you formulate the question more effectively.
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3
Ask relevant and appropriate questions. There may be certain times when it’s better to keep your questions to yourself. It may be that the question could cause confusion or offense, or that the answer is something you could figure out on your own with the right context clues. Mull your question over carefully and consider what, if anything, it will add to the conversation.^{[5]XResearch source}
- If the question you’re about to ask is one you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering yourself, it might be better to let it go.
- Redundant or obvious questions can distract from the big picture, and may make it seem like you’re not paying attention.
4
Ask the right person. Not everyone has the same feelings, experiences or expertise. If the answer you receive is to be of any use to you, it needs to come from an authoritative source. Address your question to someone who you think might be able to offer the insights you’re looking for, or who has a direct connection to subject you’re inquiring about.^{[6]XResearch source}
- You wouldn’t ask your spouse how to treat acute bronchitis, just as you wouldn’t ask your doctor how you can be a better listener during arguments.
- By directing your questions judiciously, you stand to make the discussion more enriching for both parties.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Asking More Effective Questions

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1
Ask the question as soon as it comes to you. It’s usually best to get your question out there while it’s still fresh on your mind. That way, you won’t forget it or feel bashful about asking later. You’ll also be given a chance to clarify key information before moving on to other concerns.
- In most cases, you can simply raise your hand or wait for a pause in the conversation to fire off your question.
- If you’re not in a position to ask a question immediately (such as late at night or in the middle of a presentation), make a note of it so you can bring it up the first chance you get.
2
Word your questions carefully. Ideally, they should be phrased in such a way that they point to the information you’re lacking. You might know what a thing is, but not how it works or why it’s important. How you frame the question can determine the kind of response you get.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Stay away from complicated jargon or overly technical terms. Aim to speak in a way that anyone can understand.
- Avoid influencing your listener with your own judgments. Rather than asking, “Isn't David a great candidate?” try the more neutral, “What did you think of Mr. Miller's proposal?”^{[8]XResearch source}
3
Keep it brief. Don’t use any more words than are strictly needed to articulate your question. If you ramble on at length or add lots of qualifications or other extraneous details, your listener can easily get bogged down. For the sake of clarity, each question should boil down to one central theme or idea.^{[9]XResearch source}
- If you need to touch on multiple points, do it in follow up question.^{[10]XResearch source}
- In general, it’s best to stick with short sentences that don’t beat around the bush. Otherwise, your listener may be forced to guess at your meaning.
- Even a question as difficult to unpack as, "How can we create a more tolerant society?" can be phrased in a simple, straightforward manner.
4
Listen attentively to the answer.^{[11]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} As you’re receiving an answer, be respectful and focus on what the person is saying without interruption. Let them finish explaining themselves before you present a rebuttal or ask a related question. Any uncertainty you feel will likely be cleared up by their response.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Maintain eye contact, nod or offer a vocal agreement periodically to let the person know you’re listening.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Now is not the time to interject with doubts or opinions. After all, the whole point of asking was to find out something you don’t already know.
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Ask follow up questions. The answer you receive may raise further questions, or it may hint at new information. Once you’ve asked your initial question, you can zoom in to get a clearer sense of the ideas that are being conveyed. Give the other person a chance to explain their viewpoint more thoroughly, or shift the discussion from stating facts to coming up with practical solutions.^{[14]XResearch source}
- It can be advantageous to approach the topic from different angles. If your first question is, “What is the biggest obstacle facing this project?,” the next one could be, “How can we resolve the issue quickly and efficiently?”^{[15]XResearch source}
- Narrow down subsequent questions as you deliver them—start by presenting an overview of the subject, then work your way into the nitty-gritty details.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Posing Questions in Various Situations

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1
Request specific information. When there’s something you need to know, asking directly is often the best way to find out. Your question might be as simple as, “What time is it?” or as complex as, “How is ribosomal RNA produced?”, but in either case, you’ll be better off once you ask.^{[16]XResearch source}
- Arriving at the right answer promptly will be most useful in situations where your ability to succeed depends on having all the facts, like when you’re studying for an exam or in need of directions.
- Developing a habit of asking thoughtful questions every day is one of the first steps to becoming a lifelong learner.^{[17]XResearch source}
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Find out someone’s thoughts or opinions. Sometimes, our most striking ideas are the result of other people’s observations. Whenever you can, encourage your listener to give you their reading of a particular issue or event. Asking someone how they feel allows them to share their unique perspective, which could bring things to your attention that you hadn’t previously considered.^{[18]XResearch source}
- Asking inclusive questions that get the people around you involved and thinking is essential for building camaraderie, whether they’re a coworker or a casual acquaintance.^{[19]XResearch source}
- These types of questions also have a positive effect on relationships because they show that you care about what the other person has to say.
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Ask open-ended questions. Try not to limit your questions to a set of prescribed options (“Is holistic medicine a good or bad thing?”). It’s better to keep them abstract to make room for a wider range of possible responses. Open-ended prompts are useful for sparking deep discussions that have the potential to lead to enlightening breakthroughs.^{[20]XResearch source}
- Whereas “Did you like my painting?” invites a simple “yes” or “no” response, “What did you think about the exhibit?” invites the listener to elaborate on their impressions freely.^{[21]XResearch source}
- Abstract questioning challenges listeners to draw their own conclusions rather than being guided toward a conventional answer.

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How can I ask the right questions?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Answer
Make sure you listen closely to the people who are talking so you can respond thoughtfully to them.
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Tips

Don’t be afraid to put your questions out there when they arise—the more you ask, the more you’ll learn.
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Be ready to accept answers with an open mind. If you’re stubborn or treat the answer with disinterest, you won’t benefit from what you’re being told.
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Familiarize yourself with the six common question words (“who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” “why” and “how”) and use the one that’s most appropriate for the situation.
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Warnings

Avoid asking questions that might be interpreted as rude or insulting. This is likely to alienate the listener, which will only hurt your chances of reaching a place of mutual understanding.
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