How to Write Condolence Letters

Finding the right words to comfort someone during a time of loss can be tricky. It is very easy to say the wrong thing. However, writing a thoughtful condolence letter can offer the bereaved some much needed comfort during their difficult time.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Beginning Your Letter

1
Don’t wait too long. If you wish to send someone a condolence letter be sure to do it in a timely manner. You should write the bereaved a letter within two weeks of their loss. This is the time that they are most focused on grieving. They will be dealing with funeral arrangements and preparing for their final goodbyes.^{[1]XResearch source}
- If you miss this timeframe or find out about the death months after it has occurred, go ahead and write the letter. There is no need to explain why your card is arriving late.
2
Make the letter personal. Writing a general condolence letter will not be very comforting to the griever. Be aware that you are writing about the griever’s loved one. Be prepared to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.
- Refer to the deceased by name. For example, you may say something like “I am very sorry to hear about Janie’s passing.”
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3
Be sensitive to their situation. Each death is different and each person deals with grief in a different way. Avoid telling a griever how to grieve or what to do next. Unless you know and feel comfortable with their religion affiliations, avoid using religious opinions within the letter.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Avoid saying things like “everything happens for a reason” or “they are in a better place.”
- Avoid saying things like “I know how you feel.” Everyone’s pain is different and this will not be comforting to the griever.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Writing the Body of the Letter

1
Acknowledge their loss. There is no reason to ignore the reason that you are writing the letter. It is perfectly acceptable to acknowledge the pain of their loss. Be sure that your letter is more focused on the loss that the griever is experience instead of the death of the person.
- Say something like, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” instead of something like “I’m sorry that John died.”
2
Express your own sadness. If you have a personal relationship with the deceased or the griever it is important to also express your feelings about the situation. Let the griever know that the death of their loved one has impacted your life as well but be sure to bring the topic back to the griever.
- Try saying something like, “I was so sad to hear about your husband’s passing.”
3
Include fond memories. The griever will likely enjoy hearing stories about their loved one. This can be a story that they have already heard or a story that they have never heard before. This story will remind them of the great life that their loved one lived. It will also remind them of the many people that were present in various stages of their loved one’s life.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Share a childhood memory by referring to things that happened in your youth. Say something like, “I remember when we were young and we spent our summer days at the pool.”
- Remember the deceased's personality and strengths by saying something along the lines of, “Sarah was so funny. She could make anyone laugh.”
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Ending Your Letter

1
Offer to help the grieving person. The bereaved will be offered assistance by many people. Ensure that your offer is tangible and specific. Be genuine with your offer and follow through if they take you up on it. If you are too general in your offer it will not seem genuine and might be too difficult for the bereaved to deal with while grieving.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Make a specific offer by saying something like, “Can I help you by taking care of your pets while you are out of town?”
- You might also offer to cook meals or clean for them.
- Avoid saying something like, “What can I do to help?”
Make your letter short and to the point. Keep in mind that they will be reading many letters, emails, and receiving many phone calls over the next several weeks. A lengthy letter might spark tears, which can make reading physically difficult.^{[5]XResearch source}
3
Consider using a quote. It is best to use your own words. However, sometimes it is difficult to come up with your own words. If you are having trouble writing something, consider using a quote that conveys what you are trying to put into words. You can also include a quote at the end of your letter to wrap up your thoughts.^{[6]XResearch source}
- To make it more genuine, write it out by hand instead of buying a card with a quote printed on the inside.
4
End your letter by expressing comfort. You can use a comforting phrase or simply a comforting word. The end of the letter should show your support for their healing. Keep in mind things that you would feel are comforting if you were grieving.^{[7]XResearch source}
- An example of a comforting phrase is, “You and your family are in my thoughts.”
- You can also end a letter by signing the card with the word “Sincerely.”
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Tips

Think about the things that you would want to hear if you were grieving the loss of a loved one.
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Keep your letter brief.
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Be sensitive, comforting, and helpful.
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Warnings

Leave your personal feelings about life after death or the circumstances surrounding the death out of the letter.
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Avoid telling someone how to grieve or feel.
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